Empty

My uterus is officially empty and all traces of our beautiful babe whom we wanted so badly are gone. Thankfully I was so drugged up on Friday that I really didn’t feel anything physically or emotionally. The same cannot be said for now.

Physically I’m feeling okay. The bleeding has been on and off, but I assume they remove most of the lining when they do the D&C, so that’s somewhat good news...maybe. The cramping has been on and off as well, but only mild cramps. Something I would expect with a typical cycle. Emotionally, oh hell I’m a one woman show.

Saturday I was feeling okay. I had come to terms with what happened and put my focus towards the future. Towards trying again. Then the holiday happened leaving me at that seriously mad stage. Remember the part in Steel Magnolias where M’Lynn flips her shit and yells that she just wants to hit someone hard so they feel as badly as she does? That’s me. Oh boy is that me.

First it’s family pregnancies. I’m so happy for my family, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but this is hell being the one who watches everyone else get the one thing you feel is so far out of your grasp. I want to be that happy pregnant person who is so blissfully unaware of how bad things can get. I will never have that carefree pregnancy and that makes this even worse.

Then you have Jessica Simpson announcing she’s pregnant again. Now, I know it’s stupid to be jealous of celebrities, but I wanted to scream when I saw that. She just spit a kid out and here she is knocked up again. WTF?! Seriously universe?! My hardworking husband and I can’t have one kid, but that ignorant flake can have two back to back? Seriously, where is the justice in this?

And of course you just have the holidays in general that make it suck. The holidays just make it painfully more obvious to you that not only are you dealing with infertility, but you just lost your second child. It’s like a huge beacon that just hones in on the harsh reality that you are NOT where you thought you would be. We celebrated our 5th Christmas as a married couple sans kids and know that next year will be our 6th sans kids. Hopefully we’ll be well enough along with a pregnancy to believe it’s the last Christmas just us two, but who the hell knows.

I’m trying to focus on the good in my life, but I’m failing miserably at that. I mean, I’m grateful for my husband, our health, our family, our home, our jobs and so much more, but there is this huge void in my heart and my life that just feels like it takes away from everything. I think it’s time for some serious changes. I don’t know what yet, but something has to give.