Blah, Just Blah

Do you ever feel like everything just goes wrong in your life? I mean, just one thing after another? Yep, that pretty much sums up our life right now.

Of course my body sucks (well at least it's consistent on sucking) and I only had an 8 day LP. So big fuck you to my uterus. Then T and I both got sicker than a freaking dog. I never call in sick to work and I've had to call in sick twice both times during my AF because I was sick on top of it.

T also didn't get the position he was interviewing for. Yep, right now I'm just one big ball of fuck you universe for not letting a single damn thing go right. I don't get it either. I thought people who work hard and do things "right" get rewarded, not constantly get the finger from karma. I just don't understand who I have pissed off.

All Over The Place

Excuse this mess of a post. It's going to be all over the place, sort of like my mind right now.

Therapy
Had my appointment with my therapist on Thursday. It was like a therapy appointment is supposed to be. Emotional and makes you question how it's actually going to help. You get to rehash all the crap that makes you sad and have someone call you out on your crap. I know in the end it will help me because she truly is a great therapist and knows what's ultimately my issue, my insane need to have constant control. I just keep telling myself that you have to get through the storm to get to the rainbow.

Ovulation

Much to my surprise I have ovulated already. I actually ovulated slightly earlier than normal which I'm not holding my breath to be my new normal. I O'd on CD17 which is 2 days earlier. I'm mostly surprise just because my first cycle post loss last time was awful and I didn't O until CD27. To do it so early this month was just shocking to me is all.

Now is the ridiculous wait to see how long my LP will be. I'm hoping for at least a 10. I know, I know, that's asking for a lot all things considered, but I really hope that if there is any good that can come out of this it'll be that my LP got longer. At least in double digits. We'll see.


Wow

Have you ever had something happen that leaves you speechless and going "I cannot believe people like this actually exist"? That was me this morning. I checked my mailbox and I was completely surprised to find a box from a wonderful person I've gotten to know through the boards, Jenn. I waited until T was awake and we opened the box together. I lost it. In a good way.

Her gift was so incredibly generous and touched me is a such a way. I never imagined when I joined the boards the real life friendships that would be formed. Today I consider myself very lucky and incredibly blessed to have Jenn in my life and to be able to call her a friend. Her gift reminded me that even though I feel like I'm missing so much, I still have so many wonderful things and people in my life. Jenn, thank you so much for betting a wonderful person and for making me smile. 

"Normal"

While most people would be relieved and feel like a weight was lifted off their chest to find out that their blood work was normal I’m completely beside myself. I went into this morning’s appointment with the hope that they found something, especially since she had to run a 2nd test. Not that I want something to be wrong, but at least we could possibly have an answer and an idea of what is going wrong and possibly a treatment plan. Not knowing is awful. It really is.

She went over everything, all normal. I asked about the 2nd test she had to run and she said that it was only because my levels were slightly elevated the 1st time, but the 2nd test (which is more accurate because you are fasting) was normal. So we are no closer to having an answer than we were the day after the loss of Offspring.

I did a good job keeping it together in her office. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really say anything honestly. I just sat there nodding to what she said. I think she could tell that’s not what I wanted to hear and she finally just said “some couples never know why they can’t.”

I felt really prepared for this appointment. I mean, we started talking about adoption and we had a plan either way. If it came back there was something we’d correct it and try again. If it came back I was normal we’d say to hell with it and pursue adoption. I didn’t prepare for the emotions that would come. I guess I didn’t realize how much my heart really needed an answer.

When I got into my car and on the phone with T that’s when all the tears started and then sweet jeebus they wouldn’t stop. I drove really slowly to work in hopes that I could get my tears under control, but it was so damn hard. By the time I was pulling into my office building almost 20 minutes later I had barely stopped crying. Then they have been off and on which is awesome while at work.

It seriously sucks that you get these curve balls that knock the wind out of you. I felt like we were getting to a good place with all this and confident and in control and then this just knocked me back some 80 steps. It made me realize that no matter how much we really try to prepare ourselves, we cannot control our hearts and what breaks them. It also made me realize how much I push everything down. Here I thought I was fine, when really I just pushed everything down because I didn’t want to feel it or deal with it.

We’re not making any decisions right now. I’ve put in a call to a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief in hopes that maybe she can help me sort through all this. Universe, please let this therapist be taking new patients. I think you sort of owe me at this point.

Follow Up

You know, there's nothing quite like sitting in a waiting room at an OB/GYN's office full of pregnant women when you are waiting for your follow up appointment about your D&C because you lost another baby. No really, it warms my heart. Especially when most of them are complaining...




Follow up appointment went okay. We are officially benched for 3 cycles which just makes me freaking thrilled. Not that I was that eager to jump back on the horse, but I would much prefer to have the not trying thing be my choice!

I did speak with the doc about blood work since our losses have been consecutive and she agreed that we need to try to start ruling stuff out. 5 vials of blood later I was on my way to work. She said I should get the results in 2 weeks or so. She's waiting for all the results to come back before we go over everything, that way we're not waiting for the other foot to drop.

The appointment was pretty much what I expected. No answers, many questions and more frustration that we're back at square one just a tad more bitter.

TTA Until 01/01/2015

The title pretty much speaks for itself. After weighing all the pro’s & con’s and discussing until the cows came home, we have made the decision to put off having a child. This is something we feel is best for us and for our future child.

The biggest driving factor behind this decision is the fact that we’ve wasted our 20’s. Since getting engaged, all major decisions have been made around a life we don’t even have. The size of house we bought, to accommodate a family. The type of cars we bought, to accommodate a family. Not taking big trips “just in case” and not doing anything big to the house because “you never know.” Then of course you have all the fighting that was going on.

The past year has been hell on T and I. Point blank. There have been many tears, threats of divorce and arguing until we weren’t on speaking terms. Infertility can test even the strongest of relationships. Emotions run VERY high and the pressure is at maximum so it’s no wonder that our marriage was rocky, at best. We just realized over the past few months of planning this big trip how great things have gotten for us. We rarely fight and even then it’s just a little bicker. We haven’t had a knock down argument in months. We are happy and laughing and enjoying our time together. That’s when it hit me, trying to have a family is exactly what was tearing mine apart.

I know some people will think T pressured me into this, but that is not at all what happened. He was completely on board for going to the RE at the beginning of next year and doing what we needed to do. It was me who said “I think we need the brakes.” Of course he agreed that it’s been very taxing on our relationship, to say the least, and we’re pretty maxed out. We had a nice discussion about it and got on the same page that right now our relationship isn’t where it needs to be to successfully have a family. Right now I’m not where I need to be to me a good mother.

We “celebrated” our decision by buying the LED 3D TV I’ve been lusting after and sharing ideas of things we want to do to the house. We’ve also mapped out 2 more vacations. As of today it’s looking like Australia in November, 2013 and the British Isles in October, 2014. Right now is the time for us to take risks and take chances, maybe scratch some stuff off the bucket list. When I have a child, I want to be able to say without any doubt in my mind that I did everything I set out to do before having a family. Right now, I’m not even close.

We also are 85% sure we are team one and done. Of course we might change our minds once we have a child, but we’re both pretty sure we’ll only have one. I would rather give one kid an amazing childhood full of every opportunity and amazing travels around the world. I want my child to not have to worry about paying for college or not being able to do a sport or not get to see this big beautiful world we live in. We only live once, live it up right?

BFP Anniversary

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of our BFP for Spawn. Exactly 1 year ago I was over the moon excited and could not believe my dream of being a mother was finally going to come true. I can still remember my hand shaking while I held the test and repeated “OMG, OMG, OMG” just staring at those two beautiful lines. The day I found out I was pregnant truly was an amazing day. To know we actually did it and I was carrying our baby was amazing. It was one of the rare times I was happy with my body and I couldn’t wait to hold our little one.

Today, my arms and my uterus are empty. Painfully empty.

I keep telling myself that I’m okay because after a while I’m bound to believe it. I knew this day was coming and I did my best to prepare for it, but nothing can really prepare you to face the anniversary of one of the happiest days of your life, when things ended so badly. I didn’t get the flowers or balloons. I didn’t get the baby shower or nursery furniture. I didn’t get my baby. Something that always hangs over my head, but is seriously at the forefront of my mind these days.

I know the decision to hold off on further treatments was ours and we could go back on it at any time, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this hurts like hell. I wish I wasn’t taking this trip because that would mean I would either have a little one in my arms, or a little one in my belly. I try to tell myself that this trip is what we need, that we need to focus on us because we’re drifting too far apart, but then my heart screams that I will never be happy until I have a baby in my arms. I know we can’t keep pushing forward if we’re drifting too far apart, but it’s so hard to convince my heart of that.

Today just sucks. And I know March 20th is going to suck even more. I hate this.

Spawn, I love you my sweet baby to the moon and back!

231 Days...

Time is officially creeping by and in fact, at some points I think it's going backwards! Anyway, I am pleased to say that I was able to upgrade our seats to the awesome seats I was bitching about not getting. Yay! We had to pay a small fee to upgrade, but I figured if we're spending that much time on a plane then dammit I'm going to be comfortable! I made the airline verify (multiple times) that we do indeed have those seats.

We also purchased our backpacks for the trip. I obviously can't report on them yet since we haven't actually received them, but I've heard wonderful things about them. Since we are flying overseas we want to make sure we have a couple days worth of clothes on our person so should our bag not make it to Rome, we still have clothes. This will also hopefully keep our packing to minimal. I'm going to try to be daring and only take the backpack, but we'll see. I know that sounds crazy, but we are doing so much traveling via public transportation and walking that I really don't want to be lugging a suitcase around. We have time to decide though.

In other news, I'm sicker than sick right now. Ugh! So on Thursday when I'm all weepy because it's the 1 year mark of our BFP, I'm going to also be congested and have a monster headache. Yeah, that won't make me a psycho bitch at all. Oh well, what can I do right? Speaking of that whole situation, I need to make one thing perfectly clear, this trip is by no means taking away from the disappointment we are feeling. I am hearing a lot of "you're so lucky" and "OMG, I would love to take that trip" and all that jazz, but honestly, I would much prefer to be "tied down" with a healthy baby. I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if I was getting my beautiful take home baby.

I Interrupt My Normal TTCAL Broadcasting...

There is no denying this past year has been tough. It has really tested T and I as a couple and I'll be honest, in recent weeks our marriage has started to rapidly nose dive. Between my insane mood swings and just the overall pressure we're at each others throats and an intervention is needed. I have mentioned in the past that we have talked about taking a big trip, but always found reasons to not do it. We go through spurts where we get on a vacation kick and mentally plan these awesome vacations, but never take them. We found ourselves doing that again yesterday. We've wanted to go to Europe since before we were even engaged. For 6 years we've talked about it. We've planned it. We've backed out...every time.

We found an amazing cruise that hits all the places we both are so desperate to see. Rome for T, he is a HUGE fan of the roman culture and has been talking about the Colosseum since I've known him. Egypt has been on my bucket list since I first started learning about their culture in Elementary School. Greece, some of the most amazing sights to see. So we started looking at this trip and planned our dream trip. Figured out airfare, the cruise, all the details and it would make things tight, but doable. Once again we said "too much money," and started talking ourselves out of it. Then I started tweaking the trip, changing to an interior room from a balcony room. Changing the flight days. Just a few tweaks here and there and suddenly I had taken $3,000 off the total of the trip. It was within our grasp, but we still couldn't pull the trigger. Then I logged into Pinterest...

 

I took it as a sign and we talked serious about this trip. The past year has been one super tough emotional roller coaster and while we know kids are absolutely something we want to do, it's tearing our marriage apart. We need a break to focus on us. So we talked, and we talked, and we crunched the numbers, and we talked, and we...BOOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, after talking and talking and running circles we decided to take our trip of a lifetime. I'm giving up charting and we are going to see where things lead. Of course we have the trip insurance and should a baby be on the way, we'd adapt and adjust, but we have made the decision to give this a break. I'm tired, T's tired, and we need this for us. To say we're excited is the understatement of the century. Not only are we giving our relationship the TLC it desperately needs, we are fulfilling a lifelong dream. We will have kids someday and we'll have the most amazing vacation story to share with them.

Almost Time!

I am currently 5DPO and nearing the end of our LAST TTA cycle! Ahhh!! I'm thrilled, anxious, nervous and about 400 other emotions. I have my prescription all filled and sitting on my counter ready to go. I'm on pins and needles about taking it just because I'm scared of potential side effects, but I was told I could take it at night to help reduce the effect of the side effects, since I'll be sleeping after all. I will say a couple things about this cycle, my temps were WAY lower than normal, but I figure the fact that it's really cooling down at night is affecting it. My OPK's were also a lot of fun because they were up and down. They'd get darker, then lighter, then darker. Check it out...

I'm not sure WTF is up with CD18. It was very borderline and normally I would consider it a negative, but then I got a mad positive on CD19 in the  morning so I figured I would just count it as positive. It doesn't really matter either way as marking it negative didn't affect my crosshairs or anything. So I'm leaving it as positive.

Based on history, CD1 should be in about 5 days so after almost 8 months and 7 long cycles later, we will FINALLY be trying!! Fingers crossed!

All it takes is faith and trust...

And just a little pixie dust…

If my life were a Disney film, it would be Peter Pan and I would be Wendy. Not because of my age, lord knows I have a few years on that girl, but because much like Wendy, all it sometimes takes is a Peter Pan and Tinkerbell to take your life to where you’ve always dreamed about.

A few weeks ago I was completely defeated and trying to come to terms with letting go of my “Neverland.” A thought that took my very breath away, but was something that I knew I had to do. Thankfully, my “Lost Boys” didn’t stop believing. My Mom contacted every one she could think of. She exhausted all her avenues and called in every favor humanly possible to find an OB who could help me. There had to be one right? She had all her contacts working double time to come up with a list of OB’s who have experience with IF. And they did.

Today I had a meeting with my Peter Pan. I had my copies of my chart from my last OB. I had all my monthly charts printed out and ready to go. I highlighted stuff. I tabbed stuff. I had everything together in a sweet little bad news filled package. The entire morning I felt like I was going to vomit and by the time I got to his office my anxiety was through the roof. I so badly wanted to get excited and hopeful, but after having my Mr. Darling (aka reality) slap me down repeatedly, I tried to keep straight.

We were called back to an exam room and went over all the goods with the nurse. Typical medical history stuff (thank god my Mom was there, so many things I never thought to mention with my family history) and I handed her all my info. I think she was a bit taken back by the data I had. I knew it came across a little OCD, but she acknowledged that if I was willing to be that diligent with my data collection, she knew I would be that diligent with doing whatever it took to get pregnant. She politely excused herself and took all my information to the doctor to review.

It felt like forever in that room honestly. My legs were bouncing, I couldn’t sit still and I was just waiting for him to drop the hammer. My Mom was optimistic though. She’s good for that. Finally the nurse came back and lead us to the doctor’s office. I always imagined Peter Pan as a young boy wearing a green leotard. Nope. He’s an older gentleman with a mustache and wears a white coat. I don’t remember every word, but basically the jist is, I do have a luteal phase defect. So much information was thrown my direction and he went over practically every single part of the woman’s cycle and where mine is messed up.

The meeting was wonderful. To have a doctor sit there and tell you that you aren’t crazy and that everything you were thinking was right is amazing. My last doctor honestly made me feel nuts. Like I was looking too much into everything. Trust me, I’m not so desperate to be on the infertile team that I would make this up. I would LOVE to be able to do this on my own. Believe me. He admitted, it wouldn’t play out that way. My body needs a little help.

By the end of the conversation we had a game plan. Something I thought I wasn’t going to ever have. Since I have a history of PCOS, he thinks my ovaries are the issue. That they aren’t quite doing what they should be doing, so he’s going to give them a little help in the form of Clomid. This cycle is obviously shot since I’m too far into it, but next cycle, IT IS ON. I have my instructions on when I’m supposed to take it and when I need to come back for testing and all that jazz. He’s hoping that the Clomid will fix the problem, but he’s going to do his due diligence and run the appropriate tests to ensure it’s doing what it should. If not, he’s going to tweak it. He was honest, it might take us some time to get there, but he was confident we would get there.

I left his office smiling and with hope. On my ride back to my office everything started to hit me and the water works started. I have so badly wanted this for so long and to finally feel like it’s going to be a reality is so overwhelming. In a good way of course. So this is officially our LAST TTA cycle. When CD1 comes, we will finally be TTCAL.

Moving On...

I wish I could post some good news. That I called our insurance company and they told me we have amazing fertility assistance coverage and that everything would be covered. That I then found a wonderful RE who has great results and we were able to get an appointment and we're hopeful and excited. I can't.

We have ZERO fertility assistance coverage. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Medications aren't even covered. If we want to pursue finding an RE and trying to make this happen it will be 100% out of pocket and that's something we just can't do right now. Realizing that was so defeating and devastating. My whole life I have worked towards this goal of having a big family. I would give my left arm just to have ONE healthy child. I don't even need a pair. I'll be happy with one. Growing up I always said I would never have an only child. Now I would gladly sign in blood to have that arrangement.

Realizing that fertility assistance might not be in the cards at this time I turned to other options, like adoption. T and I had talked about it before and are both open to the idea. My goal is to be a mom, not just pregnant. I know in my heart I could love an adopted child as much as a biological child. It takes a hell of a lot more than genetics to make a parent and family. I know people who would say they just couldn't love an adopted child the same. These people are also people who haven't encountered any fertility struggles. When you have a dream, like being a parent, you begin to look at the big picture. I want to be a mom. Whether my child grows in my heart or my womb, that child would be MINE.

Sadly, adoption isn't much of an option either. The fees associated with it are breath taking and it too has it's own emotional roller coaster. One that I don't think I'm mentally sound enough to get on at this point. Maybe someday, just not today. So where does that leave us? Just us. For right now it's going to be just us. I'm considering taking a break from temping and charting and just go back to living my life. Maybe we'll get a miracle and conceive a child and I'll actually be able to carry him/her to term. Or maybe an opportunity to adopt will present itself. Or maybe it's just not in our cards. All I know is mentally I'm not in a good place at all. The up's and down's of everything has weighed me down so much and I really need to try to get centered again. For now, no more posts about cycles or charting or OPK's. No more baby planning or dreaming about what could be. I have held everything in for so long and I've reached my breaking point.

The best part of this....today is CD1...

Square One...

I will preface this post with a warning that I'm pretty much an emotional basket case right now. It'll probably jump around and make no sense, but it's important to me to actually document what this roller coaster from hell is actually like.

I got my "results" back today. I use that term loosely because the "results" aren't accurate. Come to find out my progesterone tests were not being done at the accurate point in my cycle. While I thought these last two "testing" cycles were to figure out the problem so we could attack it, they were in reality just another two months wasted. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. The whole "CD21" test is actually more of a term. It just means 7DPO. Not exactly CD21. So when my doc was having my testing done on exactly CD21, it wasn't giving accurate results. The "results" were that I didn't ovulate. Despite my positive OPK's and clear thermal shift, I didn't actually do it. Or if I did, the egg wasn't any good.

I did my absolute best on the phone to not flip out and yell at the poor assistant, but towards the end I think she figured out I was upset since I was crying by that point. Where do we go from here? We start over. I am today sadly at the exact same spot I was months ago after our loss. That point is no more closer to being a mom. To say it's devastating is the understatement of the century. Sure, it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you are the one riding this emotional roller coaster and trying your best to hang onto your sanity, even the smallest bumps feel like an earthquake.

So, the game plan that I'm putting into effect starts with a call to our insurance company tomorrow. I am going to find out what our benefits are for infertility assistance and plan allowing, will try to find an RE. I don't need an OB at this point. I'm not pregnant. I need someone who deals with these issues every day and will do the correct testing at the correct time and come up with a plan for us. Will I go back to my OB once I am pregnant? I don't know. I loved her and she was so nice, but it's a bit scary how little she knew about these issues and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with putting the life of my unborn child in her hands. We'll see.

I super hope that things can start to go smoothly because I'm pretty maxed out at this point.

Lots

I'm lazy so I'm covering a lot of topics in one post.

DIY Projects:

1. Dry Erase Board. While perusing my new love Pinterest, I came across this wicked cute idea. I had most of the supplies on hand so all I needed to get was some fabric and some dry erase markers. I ended up spending less than $5 to accomplish this thanks to the awesome fabric find that my mom found at Joann's during our way too long fabric hunt. I'm pleased with the final product despite the lovely burn I have on my right arm from the iron. Apparently my iron heats up FAST! I was in the laundry room doing laundry and wasn't paying attention since I had just turned on my iron, yeah it was HOT.

2. Mirror. I mentioned in a prior post that I bought a new mirror at Ikea that I had been lusting after. I hated the black color so my original idea was white. T painted it and I ended up hating it. So we painted it a pretty bold, but gorgeous color. I am waiting to post it until I have it up on the wall because without it being in place you won't appreciate it's full awesome factor.

Mirror Before

First After

 3. Capiz Chandelier. Still chugging along with it. It's taking a hella long time and is so frustrating and the worst part is I'm not falling in love with it. The more I work on it, the more aggravated I get with it causing me to despise it. After I finish it (this month!) we will hang it in the laundry room until I make my decision if I like it. If I don't, it will stay in the laundry room and I'll do something else for the dining room. I want to love it, so we'll see.

4. Curtains. I have recruited my mom to help me with new curtains for our sliding glass door. When we painted, actually when my dad and T painted and I watched, our much hated vertical blinds bit it so we had to do a quick solution. The curtains I had hanging above my windows became our sliding glass door curtains. They aren't long enough, they don't match and I hate them. Thanks to Pinterest (T is really beginning to hate that website) I found the PERFECT curtains. You'll have to wait and see!

Going Green Update

So I slept on the linens and are happy to report NO reaction. In fact, they were SO soft. Much like my clothes, they didn't have much of a smell, so that wasn't a problem either. T has officially given me the okay to wash his uniforms in it as well! That'll be this weekend, so wish me luck.

Baby Front

We're as close today as we were on March 20th to being parents. I had to call this afternoon to verify my blood draw for Friday, which I'm not at all looking forward to. The phlebotomist sucks, there are usually tons of pregnant women there and for some reason I always feel like I have to rehash my entire history with the staff. Why they can't just read my chart is beyond me. Hopefully we'll have a game plan soon that won't involve anymore testing because that would just royally piss me off. We are now over 6 months post m/c and still don't have the green light. I'm over it really! I'm trying to stay positive and distracted and it works, sometimes, but the closer I get to my original due date, the harder it is to stay distracted. I really hate that I thought I would be pregnant again by November 1st. Who knows if we'll even have a plan by then.

We Wait....Longer...

Got my test results from my doc's office today, my progesterone is low. While I wasn't shocked, actually hearing it still stung. I was secretly hoping they would call me and tell me I'm a hypochondriac and I was fine, but they didn't. So now we wait...longer. They are doing a repeat again this cycle to see where the numbers come back and we'll go from there. T and I will be avoiding during this time which doesn't exactly thrill me, but it is what it is. I'm going to try to find something to focus on during this time to keep me distracted which will be next to impossible since my sis is having my nephew in just over 2 weeks. I'm so thrilled for her, but I'll be honest and say I'm so green eyed with jealousy right now it's not even funny. I try to keep that irrational side calm, but it's hard, like today's breakdown. Yeah, totally did the crying "why me" with T tonight. Like a good hubby he stood and smiled and let me vent. Of course he has to remind me that it's not as bad in reality like it is in my head which usually just pisses me off more, but that's only because he's right. In the grand scheme of things waiting 30 or so more days isn't that bad and provided it leads to the ultimate goal of having a successful pregnancy and child.

So my goal is to set some goals for this time frame to keep me from passing over to the completely irrational side permanently. I'm going to try to be realistic (haha) and focus on getting healthier and doing some more stuff around this house. Or I could just focus on not driving my husband absolutely BSC over the next 30 days, but that's like next to impossible so not sure it's the best goal for me to set. We'll see. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and not be so damn pessimistic and depressing.

Still Holding On...

Apparently the 11 day LP thing was a fluke. We're going to hold for the test results. I REALLY hate that I let myself get excited last cycle thinking things were going to look up. FML.

I'm Back!

It's been a pretty hectic week around this house and this is actually the first time I've had my computer on in over a week!!!

Lets start with the beginning, last Saturday we painted! My dad came over and helped T and I paint a few walls downstairs. It was a lot of fun, we learned a lot and I am in love with the color! I'll have to take some pics to post. The day was going so well and we were in such a great mood and then tragedy struck. Around 9 pm we noticed our AC started making some weird noises and almost as quickly as they started, they stopped...as did our AC. Yep, in the great state of AZ our AC died! It was hell, literally.

Of course since we have all the luck, the guy couldn't fix it until AFTER the holiday weekend. When Tuesday came, we still couldn't get it fixed. I was borderline psychotic at this point. The temp in the house was out of control. I'm not talking a warm temp, I'm talking take your breath away.

Even in the morning it was terrible. Thankfully we were able to get 2 portable air conditioners, 1 from my in-laws, 1 from my parents. Without those we would have died. We were so excited when they finally fixed our AC on Wednesday. It's been lovely ever since!

Of course, during the god awful heat issue in the house my body decides to O. Awesome. Using the OPK's wasn't too bad, despite my bathroom feeling like a sauna, my body temps though were all over the map.

I'll be curious to see what FF does with my crosshairs since my temps do not correspond with my OPK's. Time will tell. Speaking of the baby front, I had my blood drawn today to check my progesterone. I'm anxious to see what the results are as it will impact when we do decide to start trying again. I'm thinking that our go date will be soon! [insert excited squeal here]

Doc Appointment Update

Met with my OB today and let me just say, I LOVE her!! She's straight to the point, but really sweet so it's just awesome.

Anyhow, this is the low down. She's not 100% convinced that I have LPD. She thinks my body is still getting adjusted, but to help ease my mind and to not chance it, we're doing CD21 testing on my progesterone to see where it's at. Obviously if the numbers come back too low or whatever, she will adjust and go from there. As it stands though, we are no longer on a hold. So We could totally go this cycle if we wanted to!

That brings me to the question over whether we are going to go for it....or wait. Today....we wait. I know, I know, we're BSC! I've been waiting for this for months now, but we have other things that are possibly on the horizon that are too good to pass up, like drinking at a pub in Ireland! We have talked and talked and talked about taking a big trip over to Ireland and Scotland, but haven't done it. Somehow last night we decided that dammit we want to go and dammit we are. So we are working with an escorted tour company on a possible trip in March, 2012. If we do decide to go, we will push TTCAL off until January/February. If it seems too out of reach or we change our minds, then we do that.

Either way, I'm VERY relieved by my appointment today and are in an awesome mood. My doc has eased my mind and I am really getting confident that I WILL be a mom someday. I'm a little tense waiting for the pap results, due to my previous pap issues of abnormal paps, colposcopies, cryotherapy and cold knife conization, but hey, who's keeping track?

One Post....A LOT To Say

#1: Onto Cycle 5

Check that out! 11 days!!! I had an 11 day LP this month!!! I am THRILLED about this. Sure, it's not fabulous by any means, but to someone who's average LP is 8.3 days this is HUGE. There isn't anything else to say. Beautiful!

#2: T Got Promoted!
Gotta be a bragger for a second. T got promoted!! He is now a Sergeant and I am so proud of him. Today we actually went and bought all his new uniforms (he was in Detectives when they changed so he never got them) and his new outer carry vest. It was a bit of an investment :cough, $850, cough:, but worth it because I'm all about his comfort for work and more importantly his safety. If he's comfortable he can move around easier and not to mention the outer carry vest will replace his belt and his vest that he used to wear under his uniforms. So, there is NO chance he can sneak out of the house without it! Booyeah!

#3: Doctor's Appointment This Week!!!!
Thursday is my doctor's appointment. We have a lot to cover. My well woman (oh joy) and my LP issues. Even though my LP was longer this month, my average is still too low so we'll see what she wants to do. I'm not going to try to guess because I don't want to get my hopes up for one thing to have her do another. The point is by the end of this week we could actually have a game plan.

#4: 5 Months.
Today marks 5 months since our beautiful Spawn grew wings. It's hard. I still get teary eyed and a lump in my throat, but I'm doing better. I try not to think about where I should be right now and focus on where I am. With every month that goes by it gets a little easier and hurts a little less, but I don't think it will ever not hurt. No matter how many kids I do go on to have one thing will remain the same, I have one in heaven and that child cannot be replaced.

That's the hard thing to get people to understand about pregnancy loss, especially early loss. People think "oh well you can just get pregnant again." No, it's not like that. You can't replace the child you lost. Like your kids, each one is different and unique and I will never get to know that child. I will never know if s/he had my lips or T's eyes. I will never get to know if s/he likes to read like me or prefers to game like daddy. I never had the chance to find these little quirks out that make that child unique. No child can be replaced. Yes, I will have future children, but Spawn will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart and no amount of time is going to change that.

I am hoping this marks a turning point for us. Our year from hell appears to be turning around and by the end of this year we could have wonderful news to share. Spawn, know one thing will never change, your mommy and daddy love you, to the moon and back.

7DPO & Babblings...

Well, currently 7DPO on TTA cycle #4 (and hopefully our last!) I'm not even going to hold my breath for a longer LP. I'm over trying to be hopeful. I've come to terms with my issue and have faith that my doctor will have a good game plan. Even if she tells us to avoid the next cycle for testing I will be happy. I just want a game plan and not be stuck in this never ending wait.

I used my new OPK's this month and they worked really nicely which was awesome! They were easy to use and to read which is a plus. I actually bought them in bulk on Amazon (yep, I buy them in lots of 50 now). Why do I buy so many? Well because I test 3x a day over the course of 5-7 days depending on the cycle. Obviously that starts to add up. Why do I test so much? Well, because if you don't pay close attention you CAN miss it. See CD17, am had a clear negative, pm had a very clear positive!

Alright, enough with ovulation, tests and doctor mumbo jumbo. T and I are starting work on the home which is awesome (and a long time coming). This weekend we will be buying paint to start edging and painting downstairs. Then I will start my DIY light project for above the stairs. Currently I'm rocking an awesome white 1960's light that looks way outdated. I want a more modern, but classic light. One that is neutral without being overly gaudy (T hates crystal lights). So on my mission I found this GORGEOUS light!

The price, not so much! Thankfully, I found this awesome tutorial that I will be trying. Hopefully I don't go up in flames! I'll be sure to post my results, good or bad.

No Good Reason...

I know I’ve been slacking on the blog front and it’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I literally have nothing interesting to blog about. Right now we’re in this holding pattern waiting to see the doc and I can only blog about those feelings so many times. It’s a broken record really.

Right now T and I are focusing on a few other things. First and foremost, painting our house. We still have the sterile white walls that were painted before we moved in. I hate white. T loves white. It’s been fun honestly. So after fight after fight about color, we opted to choose a lack of color if you will, gray. Then of course, that started another never ending cycle of arguments because we couldn’t agree on a shade. [The day T and I agree on stuff will definitely signal the apocalypse.] So we both picked one that we liked and one that was in between. We got the three samples from Home Depot and painted them little bad boys on our wall. In an effort to try to be fair, I facebooked a picture. I wanted non-biased opinions on which color was better and I even made sure not to note who liked what. We both lost. Everyone chose the in between color. So that’s our winner.

Aside from paint, I am focusing on other house stuff. Moving stuff around, adding some knick knacks. I think I’m just trying to keep my mind off the whole situation. It’s working too. I am now obsessing over paint colors and floor samples instead of my cycles. I’m doing massive research about DIY projects and not about babies. It’s been a nice break to be honest. I’ve been so hard wired about this baby thing that I completely forgot to think about anything other than it. I hate to admit it, but I totally became that woman who obsesses about babies and getting pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I still absolutely want that more than anything, but I also need to try to accept the fact that it may not work that way. I may get pregnant again and have no problems. I may get pregnant again and not be able to carry. I have absolutely no control over this and I think I’ve finally accepted that. All I can really do is give it my best effort by getting healthy and tracking my cycles, but pretty much 90% is out of my hands.

Emotionally, I’m in a better place. I’ve cried, believe me. I’ve cried countless times and there have been some really dark places, but recently, I’ve just moved forward. There wasn’t really any sort of huge moment that changed my mind. I think I just finally realized that by focusing so much on what I don’t have, I’m not giving any attention to the stuff I do have. I have a wonderful husband. A beautiful home. Two crazy wonderful dogs. A cat that drives me batty, but wouldn’t change her anyway. A good job that I actually like. A great family that also drives me batty, but I wouldn’t want them any other way. Friends that make me giggle and smile.

When I actually take a step back and look at all the wonderful things and people I do have in my life, I wouldn’t want it to be any different.