**This post is rate R due to strong language. Reading discretion is advised**
To celebrate CD1 I figured I'd come out of my lack of blogging corner and let y'all know just how awesome my first Femara cycle was.
That was sarcasm. This cycle sucked.
I just felt like my body said "Fuck you" over and over and over. Like a broken record.
First up was my baseline u/s on 5/2. We learned that my ovaries were looking nice and fucked up as ever. Despite that Dr. Magneto felt it was okay to proceed with Femara. Sweet.
Second, fuck everyone who says Femara doesn't have side effects. Like seriously. FUCK YOU. It wasn't Clomid bad, but it wasn't exactly the easiest medication to be on. I thought for sure my right ovary had developed like a hundred cysts with how bad my cramping was.
Third, my follow up u/s. It was on 5/16 and was supposed to be the day we triggered. Of course my ovaries weren't quite there yet. Why would they be? That would be helpful. Either way, I was surprised to learn that my right ovary only had 1 follie measuring 18mm (cramps said freaking otherwise) and 1 follie on my left measuring 13mm. They weren't unhappy with the results, just not really happy. It was okay, they decided to push my trigger back a couple of days to allow them a few more days. No biggie right?
Well of course my body would NEVER do what it's supposed to and I got a positive OPK that night. FML.
I called the RE on Friday morning and they said to go ahead and trigger. It was okay, my right had a decent follie. It can work. So we were given our marching orders on when to have sex, start my progesterone, etc.
Trigger shot was a blast. Like honestly. Keeping in line with it being a shitastic cycle I had an awful reaction to the damn thing. My stomach got all red and sore. It hurt to wear clothes. It also made me feel like crap. So I spent the next few days feeling like complete and utter shit, but I told myself it would be worth it.
I was told not to use OPK's after my trigger, but to keep on temping, that would show my shift right? Well, yeah, no. My temp wasn't rising. We knew I O'd, but it wasn't rising. In fact, it didn't even remotely go up until 5DPO. Mind you, I was already taking Crinone so it should have been up there.
Then shit went downhill about 2 days ago when the cramping started, then spotting and sure enough today my cycle showed. So basically I paid $1,000 to feel like shit and not end up pregnant. Yay me. Surprisingly there weren't tears. I'm at the point where I'm just done. I'm done. Really. Sure, we've only done 1 RE cycle, but the frustration, the disappointment, the stress, all that is not new. In fact, we're years into that. I think this cycle just broke my back. I just felt like my body kept saying over and over "STOP THIS MADNESS." How many signs do I need that my body isn't built to do this? Another loss? More money thrown away? We're THOUSANDS of dollars into this and nothing. All I have to show for it is a terrible attitude, a broken heart and a marriage that is shakey at best.
Well, so much for no tears. Here they are.
I hate what this has done to me. I hate what this has done to us. I hate that I'm still fighting my insurance company about paying for charges related to our most recent loss and subsequent testing. I hate that for so many people it seems like this is so easy and for me it's not. I hate that I will never be able to go back to being the person I was before all this. I hate that there is anyone who has to know this pain. I hate that there are people out there who don't appreciate just how fucking lucky they truly are.
Uterus, I'm throwing in the towel. You win...my heart can't take the disappointment anymore.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Femara Cycle 1
We are officially going green for our first Femara cycle. The game plan is:
Femara + Trigger + TI + Crinone
I had my baseline u/s on Monday with Dr. Magneto and he was happy with the results so he cleared us to go. I started the Femara last night and will take it through Friday. I will start my OPK's on Monday and unless I get a + OPK before then, I will have my follow up u/s on Thursday the 16th (CD14). Depending on how my ovaries look and how big my follie(s) are, we will trigger on our around then.
It's mixed emotions during this cycle. One, frustration because it shouldn't have to be a science experiment. I really shouldn't. Two, happy because we are finally at a point where we have a good chance. Three, nervousness because lets face it, it's scary. Four, fearful. Getting pregnant again just to lose another pregnancy would devastate me. I'm trying to stay positive, but we know there is still that chance.
Ovaries, you bitches better play nice cause mama just shelled out a fat amount of cash. Let's get 'er done shall we?
Femara + Trigger + TI + Crinone
I had my baseline u/s on Monday with Dr. Magneto and he was happy with the results so he cleared us to go. I started the Femara last night and will take it through Friday. I will start my OPK's on Monday and unless I get a + OPK before then, I will have my follow up u/s on Thursday the 16th (CD14). Depending on how my ovaries look and how big my follie(s) are, we will trigger on our around then.
It's mixed emotions during this cycle. One, frustration because it shouldn't have to be a science experiment. I really shouldn't. Two, happy because we are finally at a point where we have a good chance. Three, nervousness because lets face it, it's scary. Four, fearful. Getting pregnant again just to lose another pregnancy would devastate me. I'm trying to stay positive, but we know there is still that chance.
Ovaries, you bitches better play nice cause mama just shelled out a fat amount of cash. Let's get 'er done shall we?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
What Does "RE" Mean?
Today was the meeting with the finance department at our RE's office. As much as I like this office, I mean their staff is wicked nice and Dr. Magneto is about 1 award away from epic, the reality is you get what you pay for. I've quickly realized they are not the Wal Mart of RE's. Oh no, they are the Jimmy Choo's. And here I thought it would be a waste to spend that kind of money on shoes. How quickly my mind is changing.
Anyway, I sat down with Brittany this morning to get down to brass tacks. Exactly how much are these medicated cycles going to cost?
First let's start with my baseline u/s that I have to have. That comes in at $365. That's literally just to make sure my ovaries are cyst free and to make sure my problem child right ovary is normal.
Then we get into the nitty gritty. Since we're doing ovulation induction and timed intercourse our costs aren't as steep as they could be. I'm sure there are going to people who read this post and go "oh Whaaa, poor baby." Yes, we're aware that we're on the fertile end of infertility which means we're on the cheaper end of this, but it still doesn't take away from the reality that this is going to suck.
One medicated cycle (ie: one month) will cost us roughly $500 - $750, depending on the number of u/s's that I need to have. In fact, it could even be up to $1,000 should my right ovary just suck massively and become cystopia. Dr. Magneto has ordered 6-9 cycles of this regime.
Now it could all change should my ovaries not respond to the Femara (warning to my ovaries, you bitches had better get your shit together!) and we have to change to a different med. It could also change should he decide to switch over to IUI which would roughly add on another $750 - $1000 per cycle.
So the real question is has the sticker price changed our minds? Not really. Unfortunately it does put a slight delay in things. Due to the price, we are going to have to wait one cycle to start this and will most likely have to alternate every other cycle. This next cycle will be with Crinone only. Then the next will be monitored/medicated cycle. Then Crinone, then medicated. You get the jist. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We're paying for IF treatments outright and we have to do what our budget allows.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
My Uterus: Vacancy
We had our meeting with the RE yesterday, we’ll call
him Dr. Magneto. Yes, I know that he was the villain in X-Men, but his real last
name starts with an M so it’s fitting.
Anyway, Dr. Magneto has a plan. A good one at that.
Femara + Crinone + TI
He’s confident that my P4 deficiency is ultimately what is stopping my pregnancies. I mentioned to him that during the last pregnancy we did supplement with Crinone (after we found out it was failing), but he said that with patients who have a deficiency they really need to supplement it before a pregnancy occurs not after. He used the metaphor of a seed. You have better luck with fertilizer when you fertilize the ground prior to planting your seeds, not after. That way the nutrients are there when the seed starts to grow. So that’s what he’s hoping to do. To get my P4 to where it should be before an embryo tries to set up shop.
Since we were given the all clear from Doc back on the 18th (before I O’d) we did try this cycle so Dr. Magneto prescribed Crinone for this cycle as well, starting at 6DPO. Normally I’ll start at 2DPO, but he said it’s better than nothing. I was surprised though because he said I only need to take the Crinone every other day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about this. I absolutely hated taking it twice a day back during my pregnancy with Offspring, but I thought I took it because I had to. He said no, you don’t need it twice a day, especially since it’s delivered pretty much at the needed location (try not to visualize that!). We might have to adjust that should a pregnancy occur and it shows my P4 is still struggling, but for now once a day every other day.
If we are unsuccessful this first go, which I totally imagine we are considering we only got one attempt in, the game plan is to call his nurses line on CD1. They will set up my baseline u/s to make sure my ovaries (specifically my trouble making right one) don’t have any current cysts and then I’ll start the Femara. Followed by my psycho use of OPK’s to make sure I don’t miss my surge (thank goodness for my recent bulk purchase of 100 OPK’s!) and then it’s show time. At 2DPO I will start the Crinone in the AM’s on every other day. I am to take Crinone until 14DPO and if a pregnancy is not confirmed I will stop the supplement and allow my body to start CD1 of the next cycle.
We’re excited and a little nervous. It’s always nerve wracking to go on meds, especially when your biggest fear is you’ll end up as the Octomom. I know that Femara has a very low percentage of even twins, but I still fear that we’ll be one of “those” people. I’m also nervous about the actual side effects of the meds. Clomid turned me into a psycho one woman show who made Mommy Dearest look sane. He assured me that Femara most likely will not have the same effects, but you never know.
So that’s the dealio. We’re finally getting expert advice from the expert and it feels good. Maybe we’ll be blessed yet.
Anyway, Dr. Magneto has a plan. A good one at that.
Femara + Crinone + TI
He’s confident that my P4 deficiency is ultimately what is stopping my pregnancies. I mentioned to him that during the last pregnancy we did supplement with Crinone (after we found out it was failing), but he said that with patients who have a deficiency they really need to supplement it before a pregnancy occurs not after. He used the metaphor of a seed. You have better luck with fertilizer when you fertilize the ground prior to planting your seeds, not after. That way the nutrients are there when the seed starts to grow. So that’s what he’s hoping to do. To get my P4 to where it should be before an embryo tries to set up shop.
Since we were given the all clear from Doc back on the 18th (before I O’d) we did try this cycle so Dr. Magneto prescribed Crinone for this cycle as well, starting at 6DPO. Normally I’ll start at 2DPO, but he said it’s better than nothing. I was surprised though because he said I only need to take the Crinone every other day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about this. I absolutely hated taking it twice a day back during my pregnancy with Offspring, but I thought I took it because I had to. He said no, you don’t need it twice a day, especially since it’s delivered pretty much at the needed location (try not to visualize that!). We might have to adjust that should a pregnancy occur and it shows my P4 is still struggling, but for now once a day every other day.
If we are unsuccessful this first go, which I totally imagine we are considering we only got one attempt in, the game plan is to call his nurses line on CD1. They will set up my baseline u/s to make sure my ovaries (specifically my trouble making right one) don’t have any current cysts and then I’ll start the Femara. Followed by my psycho use of OPK’s to make sure I don’t miss my surge (thank goodness for my recent bulk purchase of 100 OPK’s!) and then it’s show time. At 2DPO I will start the Crinone in the AM’s on every other day. I am to take Crinone until 14DPO and if a pregnancy is not confirmed I will stop the supplement and allow my body to start CD1 of the next cycle.
We’re excited and a little nervous. It’s always nerve wracking to go on meds, especially when your biggest fear is you’ll end up as the Octomom. I know that Femara has a very low percentage of even twins, but I still fear that we’ll be one of “those” people. I’m also nervous about the actual side effects of the meds. Clomid turned me into a psycho one woman show who made Mommy Dearest look sane. He assured me that Femara most likely will not have the same effects, but you never know.
So that’s the dealio. We’re finally getting expert advice from the expert and it feels good. Maybe we’ll be blessed yet.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Insurance, Testing and Other Jumbled Thoughts…
Let’s start with the happy
news that I finally paid off my HSG from last year. Hallelujah! Took me long
enough right?! Well that’s what happens when your insurance sucks and you are
forced to pay for everything out of pocket. I’m not comfortable going into debt
on the IF thing, so out of pocket in the form on easy monthly payments work for
us.
Just in time to have that paid off too because I’m fighting with my insurance company over the blood work I had done. Apparently when the doctor’s office submitted the paperwork, they coded it as infertility testing. Uh, no. That’s not what it was for, but nice try. I spoke with my insurance company and explained the situation and they advised my doctor’s office would have to resubmit the paperwork coded correctly. So a few calls and a couple panic attacks later the paperwork was recoded and resubmitted. It’s going through the appeal process right now. Get this, if they still won’t cover it we have to pay the full $3,300 bill. Yeah, talk about freaking out.
Speaking of my blood work, interesting development. I called Doc’s office to schedule my appointment to go over the game plan for trying again. You know, progesterone when we’ll do beta’s and all that boring jazz. I remembered before I called that she had mentioned some “mutation”, but said it wasn’t important and I dismissed it thinking she was the Doc who was qualified to make that judgment. Well, when I called to make my appointment I asked the receptionist to pull my chart and just give me the name of the not important mutation.
MTHFR C677T Single Mutation
What the what?! I’ve heard the ladies on the board talk about MTHFR before so I knew there was a chance it wasn’t “not important”. I got to googling everything I could about it and I think I know why she thought it wasn’t important. Apparently the medical community is pretty divided about MTHFR and if it really plays a role in recurring losses. She could be in the camp that feels it doesn’t play a role. Well, as a woman who has had recurring losses if there is something we can easily fix to prevent them, then let’s get on it. I have a list of questions and such to go over with her. I’m sure she loves patients like me.
On the adoption front, not much going on. It's March now (yay!) which means in a few short weeks we'll have our first information session. I'm really looking forward to it. We're also working on house crap (ugh) and I think I've finally picked out flooring. Then again by tomorrow I could have changed my mind.
Just in time to have that paid off too because I’m fighting with my insurance company over the blood work I had done. Apparently when the doctor’s office submitted the paperwork, they coded it as infertility testing. Uh, no. That’s not what it was for, but nice try. I spoke with my insurance company and explained the situation and they advised my doctor’s office would have to resubmit the paperwork coded correctly. So a few calls and a couple panic attacks later the paperwork was recoded and resubmitted. It’s going through the appeal process right now. Get this, if they still won’t cover it we have to pay the full $3,300 bill. Yeah, talk about freaking out.
Speaking of my blood work, interesting development. I called Doc’s office to schedule my appointment to go over the game plan for trying again. You know, progesterone when we’ll do beta’s and all that boring jazz. I remembered before I called that she had mentioned some “mutation”, but said it wasn’t important and I dismissed it thinking she was the Doc who was qualified to make that judgment. Well, when I called to make my appointment I asked the receptionist to pull my chart and just give me the name of the not important mutation.
MTHFR C677T Single Mutation
What the what?! I’ve heard the ladies on the board talk about MTHFR before so I knew there was a chance it wasn’t “not important”. I got to googling everything I could about it and I think I know why she thought it wasn’t important. Apparently the medical community is pretty divided about MTHFR and if it really plays a role in recurring losses. She could be in the camp that feels it doesn’t play a role. Well, as a woman who has had recurring losses if there is something we can easily fix to prevent them, then let’s get on it. I have a list of questions and such to go over with her. I’m sure she loves patients like me.
On the adoption front, not much going on. It's March now (yay!) which means in a few short weeks we'll have our first information session. I'm really looking forward to it. We're also working on house crap (ugh) and I think I've finally picked out flooring. Then again by tomorrow I could have changed my mind.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Books and Stuff
Speaking of the meeting, T talked to a co-worker of his about adoption (M has adopted 2 children) and M gave us the name of his agency and little overview of how his adoptions went. He offered to sit down with us and go over everything and answer any questions we might have. It's nice to actually know someone who has done this already because it makes this feel a little less scary. Like it is possible. So we have another agency that we can check out. I plan on speaking with multiple agencies to find one that we feel fits us and our needs.
We are also looking into an adoption lawyer. Great thing about working in the field I do I get attorney recommendations for pretty much anything. This recommendation came through my mom from someone she works with. It's great to have those connections. So we plan on calling this office to at least get a consult about their practice and what not. We're definitely moving in the right direction on this.
After much talking, we have decided to try at least one more time. If the pregnancy is to end in a loss, then we're done. Three seems to be like a good stopping point. We still plan on pursuing the adoption because at some point we will be adopting so we might as well get the process underway. We talked about it a lot and this just feels right for us right now. Of course it's subject to change. Like anything.
I need to make an appointment with Doc to talk about trying again and get a game plan on possible pregnancy #3. We're not putting all our eggs in this basket though, adoption is still our main focus.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A New Year, A New Path
Tomorrow is officially 2013 and I can say without a doubt, I welcome this New Year. With one exception, our trip, 2012 was just bad news for T and I. Much like 2011 I'm ready to just let this be part of our past and not our present. So, to welcome the new year I'm setting some goals.
1. Lose 50 pounds. I've gained about 10 pounds back (damn depression) so time to start getting back on the weight loss horse. Good for the body as well as the mind and soul.
2. Travel more. We're looking at maybe taking another semi-big trip this year, but other potential plans have that up in the air.
3. More home upgrades. Moving walls, flooring, all that crap. It was going to be done in 2012, but after an epic breakdown post failed Clomid cycles we decided to put our money towards getting away from this mess. This year, focus will be different.
4. Find out if an RE is covered by ins. Open enrollment is in May so we'll find out in April if ins will cover our IF, if so we will switch plans to get to the RE.
5. Meet with an adoption agency.
Yes, you read that right. We've decided to start the talks about adoption. First step will be meeting with an agency to get an idea if our goal is even possible. We want a closed or minimal open adoption. We're open to giving monthly updates and pictures, but we are not open to the idea of the mother being a very active role in our child's life. If we are raising the baby, we want it to be our baby. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to share my child. Period. The only way we would consider an open adoption is if we knew the mother (ie: friend, family, etc).
If we find out that the RE is not covered, T will be getting a vasectomy to prevent any future heartbreaks and we will pursue adoption full time. For now it would be domestic while we save the money to go with Korea. If our budget is correct, Korea would be in about 3 years. It feels GREAT to have a plan that will ultimately end in our having a child. The RE thing is too unpredictable and we have no idea if my body can even do this.
So 2013...ROCK MY FUCKING WORLD!
1. Lose 50 pounds. I've gained about 10 pounds back (damn depression) so time to start getting back on the weight loss horse. Good for the body as well as the mind and soul.
2. Travel more. We're looking at maybe taking another semi-big trip this year, but other potential plans have that up in the air.
3. More home upgrades. Moving walls, flooring, all that crap. It was going to be done in 2012, but after an epic breakdown post failed Clomid cycles we decided to put our money towards getting away from this mess. This year, focus will be different.
4. Find out if an RE is covered by ins. Open enrollment is in May so we'll find out in April if ins will cover our IF, if so we will switch plans to get to the RE.
5. Meet with an adoption agency.
Yes, you read that right. We've decided to start the talks about adoption. First step will be meeting with an agency to get an idea if our goal is even possible. We want a closed or minimal open adoption. We're open to giving monthly updates and pictures, but we are not open to the idea of the mother being a very active role in our child's life. If we are raising the baby, we want it to be our baby. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to share my child. Period. The only way we would consider an open adoption is if we knew the mother (ie: friend, family, etc).
If we find out that the RE is not covered, T will be getting a vasectomy to prevent any future heartbreaks and we will pursue adoption full time. For now it would be domestic while we save the money to go with Korea. If our budget is correct, Korea would be in about 3 years. It feels GREAT to have a plan that will ultimately end in our having a child. The RE thing is too unpredictable and we have no idea if my body can even do this.
So 2013...ROCK MY FUCKING WORLD!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
2ww: Well That’s New…
I’m tickled pink to be 7DPO and have none of my
pre-AF spotting. My LP’s are notoriously ridiculously short especially as of
late (6 day LP anyone) so every day past that is a little celebration for me.
Now, I’m not squealing with excitement thinking I’m with child. That ship set
sail and my old pessimism is back. It’s comforting too. Just felt a tad too
vulnerable in that giddy phase.
Anyway, I think my newest random and just downright weird symptoms are due to the progesterone cream. I’m wondering if these are potentially what my normal symptoms would be if my hormones were ever where they should be? I guess only time will tell. So the latest development is:
Burning sensation in the uterus & lightening boobs.
Sounds fun right? The burning sensation isn’t painful. It’s not a crippling feeling like my ute is on fire. It’s more like I have a constant heating pad inside there. It’s just odd and I notice I feel it a lot more when I’m sitting. The lightening boob though, that is slightly painful. I get these random pains that feel like electricity just jolting through the twins. I’ve noticed it more in my left boob too. I think it’s because it’s bigger?
Either way these two new developments have added a little spice to my 2ww here. Regardless of the outcome of this cycle I’m just pleased if my body is at least moving in the right direction. I’m not expecting the cream alone on our first cycle to be the thing that drives us home. For crying out loud Clomid couldn’t even do it. I’m just rooting for some change. Now would I love for these two developments to be because there is an embryo burrowing into the walls of my uterus and just wreaking some havoc? Of course. Am I holding my breath? Not a chance.
Anyway, I think my newest random and just downright weird symptoms are due to the progesterone cream. I’m wondering if these are potentially what my normal symptoms would be if my hormones were ever where they should be? I guess only time will tell. So the latest development is:
Burning sensation in the uterus & lightening boobs.
Sounds fun right? The burning sensation isn’t painful. It’s not a crippling feeling like my ute is on fire. It’s more like I have a constant heating pad inside there. It’s just odd and I notice I feel it a lot more when I’m sitting. The lightening boob though, that is slightly painful. I get these random pains that feel like electricity just jolting through the twins. I’ve noticed it more in my left boob too. I think it’s because it’s bigger?
Either way these two new developments have added a little spice to my 2ww here. Regardless of the outcome of this cycle I’m just pleased if my body is at least moving in the right direction. I’m not expecting the cream alone on our first cycle to be the thing that drives us home. For crying out loud Clomid couldn’t even do it. I’m just rooting for some change. Now would I love for these two developments to be because there is an embryo burrowing into the walls of my uterus and just wreaking some havoc? Of course. Am I holding my breath? Not a chance.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
2ww: Hey There Crazycakes
I almost don’t want to even post this. I feel
like I must hang my head in shame, but in the effort of full disclosure, I want
to show that even an educated person can get caught up in the hoopla.
This is not news, but usually the first cycle back into really trying I get crazy. I think somewhere in the back of my ridiculous mind I tell myself that we have a fresh attitude, I’m not as stressed, so maybe this cycle will be different. Then adding in the progesterone cream doesn’t help. Even though I know the odds of it impacting anything, let alone on the first cycle of use, are low in my Pollyanna mind it’s going to be the thing that takes us home.
Not only have I gone back to reference my post detailing the days leading up to my BFP with Spawn, I’ve gone so far as to look at + HPT’s on FF to try to figure out about when I should start testing. I know that I should wait until at least 12DPO. I know this. But in the back of my positive thinking mind I’m saying “well, you could get a BFP at 10DPO.”
I’ve even looked at baby stuff this month. Optimistic much? I’ve started comparing strollers and looking at car seats and deciding where I want to register. In some ways I’m like a chick that’s just started trying and is in the blissful naïve world of thinking this is it.
In the back of my head I’m screaming to myself “this is why you always break down on CD1. You build it up too much.” The other part though is just clinging to that positive thinking. I think in some ways I’m subconsciously trying to cling to that positive attitude because I’ve spent a long time now in the negative. While I know it’s going to make CD1 that much harder and depressing, I want to in a lot of ways allow myself the chance to actually be excited again. To give myself that brief glimpse back to a time when we were la-di-da about this.
The only good part about this is when CD1 shows (which the sane part of me is 99.9% sure is going to be soon) I’ll probably quickly return to my safety net of negativity and pessimism because quite honestly, putting that negativity wall up and not allowing that excited feeling back in is about the only thing that helps me through failed cycle after failed cycle.
For now, I think I’m going to let myself be crazycakes…
This is not news, but usually the first cycle back into really trying I get crazy. I think somewhere in the back of my ridiculous mind I tell myself that we have a fresh attitude, I’m not as stressed, so maybe this cycle will be different. Then adding in the progesterone cream doesn’t help. Even though I know the odds of it impacting anything, let alone on the first cycle of use, are low in my Pollyanna mind it’s going to be the thing that takes us home.
Not only have I gone back to reference my post detailing the days leading up to my BFP with Spawn, I’ve gone so far as to look at + HPT’s on FF to try to figure out about when I should start testing. I know that I should wait until at least 12DPO. I know this. But in the back of my positive thinking mind I’m saying “well, you could get a BFP at 10DPO.”
I’ve even looked at baby stuff this month. Optimistic much? I’ve started comparing strollers and looking at car seats and deciding where I want to register. In some ways I’m like a chick that’s just started trying and is in the blissful naïve world of thinking this is it.
In the back of my head I’m screaming to myself “this is why you always break down on CD1. You build it up too much.” The other part though is just clinging to that positive thinking. I think in some ways I’m subconsciously trying to cling to that positive attitude because I’ve spent a long time now in the negative. While I know it’s going to make CD1 that much harder and depressing, I want to in a lot of ways allow myself the chance to actually be excited again. To give myself that brief glimpse back to a time when we were la-di-da about this.
The only good part about this is when CD1 shows (which the sane part of me is 99.9% sure is going to be soon) I’ll probably quickly return to my safety net of negativity and pessimism because quite honestly, putting that negativity wall up and not allowing that excited feeling back in is about the only thing that helps me through failed cycle after failed cycle.
For now, I think I’m going to let myself be crazycakes…
Friday, November 2, 2012
1ishDPO
I’m 1ishDPO. Based on my OPK’s, cramping and general knowledge of
my body and cycle I’m fairly confident the package was dropped yesterday. I
always love how I get cramping AFTER I O. Thank goodness I’m not one of those
women who use that as a reference. I’m imagining this 2ww is going to suck. For
some reason the first one charting always does. I think it’s that ridiculous
little hopeful cheerleader in the back of your head who is somewhat convincing
you that you had great timing and this is it. Thankfully as cycles progress on
my 2ww patience grows. I will get back to the point where I don’t even test
unless I’m like 12-14DPO. I’d rather see AF than a negative. I’ve had my fill of
those.
Even though there is that little part of me that is like “we had great timing so I think there’s a chance” I’m telling myself it’s not it. We weren’t successful. At this point I’m just hoping for a longer LP. I’m hoping that the progesterone cream helps, even if only by adding a day. I’d rather get to double digits, but hey, I’ll settle for a day.
If we were by some miracle successful this cycle, we would have a due date on or around 07/25/13. Right smack dab in the middle of the miserable Arizona summer, but I’d be cool with that. If the dirty hoe doesn’t arrive a little too early for my taste, my testing date is 11/13/12.
Even though there is that little part of me that is like “we had great timing so I think there’s a chance” I’m telling myself it’s not it. We weren’t successful. At this point I’m just hoping for a longer LP. I’m hoping that the progesterone cream helps, even if only by adding a day. I’d rather get to double digits, but hey, I’ll settle for a day.
If we were by some miracle successful this cycle, we would have a due date on or around 07/25/13. Right smack dab in the middle of the miserable Arizona summer, but I’d be cool with that. If the dirty hoe doesn’t arrive a little too early for my taste, my testing date is 11/13/12.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
OPK Game
The incredibly unfortunate thing about the timing of this realization is that it’s today. November 1st. If our little Spawn had been on time, today s/he would be 1. Really bad day to realize my LP has not only stayed short, but gotten shorter. It’s like a dagger to the heart. I feel like the timing of everything this cycle has just been a harsh reminder of what we don’t have.
I, an agnostic who barely believes, put a prayer into the Wailing Wall in the freaking Holy Land itself asking for a healthy baby. I didn’t put a gender. I didn’t ask for specifics. I just asked for a healthy baby. I was answered with AF. A harsh AF that was unlike any I had before. Then I O right around what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday and realize, on our what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday that my LP is the shortest it’s ever been.
I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll be okay. That I got back into charting because we’re trying more holistic ways of correcting my hormone imbalance. This is just another bump in the road that we’ll get over. That we only have to wait until May to find out if our insurance will pay for IF treatments. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m putting myself through this emotional torture for a reason.
Problem is while my head believes it, my heart certainly doesn’t. Spawn, we love you to the moon and back. I hope you are having a happy 1st birthday among the stars.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Let's Talk Reproduction Shall We?
It’s been a while since I had a good reproduction themed post, so I think
I’m due for one.
I mentioned that we are back on the baby making horse. Well, we were on the “let’s just see what happens” horse until I got AF. Then this cycle turned into a “let’s go ahead and you know, give it a real go”. Next AF, the gloves are off and we’re back to the science experiment tracking everything like a crazed lunatic. It’ll be like old times again.
I am going back to charting with the next AF. Not really thrilled about it to be honest. I do find charting to be a double edged sword, but let’s face it; if we want to increase our chances charting is necessary. That means back to using my fun app, taking my temp every morning and using OPK’s. It’s been a while since I used one so hopefully I remember how. I think for good measure I should start again this month. That’s a good idea right?
I’m also going to try a vitamin I read about, Vitex. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone overboard and are thinking that some over the counter herbal supplement will be the end all to this process. I just want to give all possible non-invasive methods a try.
Acupuncture. As someone who hates needles, despite my tattoos, this does not exactly make me want to jump for joy. Especially adding the sour twang that insurance covers zero part of it. Yes, I who hates needles will pay 100% OOP to give acupuncture a try. I’m still doing research on places and prices so that’s probably not going to start for another cycle or 2.
Back to losing weight. We’ve found that my weight really has nothing to do with my current situation, but just for good measure I’m going to try to drop these last 40 lbs. It’ll be good for my health in general to lose the extra tonnage, so I figured I could use the baby thing as the excuse to help me find the damn motivation that seems to have taken an indefinite hiatus. Trying to lose weight to have the chance to gain it seems counterproductive, but it’s what kept me focused last time.
Reading. I have a couple baby making books lined up. Seems kind of stupid to have to read a book to have kids, I mean hells bells how many irresponsible one night stands lead to a pregnancy? I will though, try to give myself the edge by figuring out anything that I can possibly do to help increase our odds.
Trying anything and everything. Yes, I’m busting out the old trusty Pre-Seed. I’m bringing out the wedge pillow. Is sex going to be all about the spur of the moment intimacy and reconnecting with my partner? No. It’s going to be planned and precise and most likely monotonous, but that’s what we have to do. We are not blessed to be one of those couples who don’t have to try to have a baby. We are a couple who has to try to align the stars in the exact formation of a unicorn to conceive so aligning the stars we will do.
When I step back and look at all this, I do realize what it must look like to outsiders looking in. I probably come across as a lady who’s lost her mind and to be quite frank, I have. A lot of parents would openly admit they would move heaven on earth for their child; I’m doing the same…just before they get here. Talk about overachieving on the parenting scale. My current goal is by the 2 year heartbreakversary of our losing Spawn I want to be pregnant with Spawn’s little brother/sister.
Uterus & ovaries, you better get your shit together.
I mentioned that we are back on the baby making horse. Well, we were on the “let’s just see what happens” horse until I got AF. Then this cycle turned into a “let’s go ahead and you know, give it a real go”. Next AF, the gloves are off and we’re back to the science experiment tracking everything like a crazed lunatic. It’ll be like old times again.
I am going back to charting with the next AF. Not really thrilled about it to be honest. I do find charting to be a double edged sword, but let’s face it; if we want to increase our chances charting is necessary. That means back to using my fun app, taking my temp every morning and using OPK’s. It’s been a while since I used one so hopefully I remember how. I think for good measure I should start again this month. That’s a good idea right?
I’m also going to try a vitamin I read about, Vitex. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone overboard and are thinking that some over the counter herbal supplement will be the end all to this process. I just want to give all possible non-invasive methods a try.
Acupuncture. As someone who hates needles, despite my tattoos, this does not exactly make me want to jump for joy. Especially adding the sour twang that insurance covers zero part of it. Yes, I who hates needles will pay 100% OOP to give acupuncture a try. I’m still doing research on places and prices so that’s probably not going to start for another cycle or 2.
Back to losing weight. We’ve found that my weight really has nothing to do with my current situation, but just for good measure I’m going to try to drop these last 40 lbs. It’ll be good for my health in general to lose the extra tonnage, so I figured I could use the baby thing as the excuse to help me find the damn motivation that seems to have taken an indefinite hiatus. Trying to lose weight to have the chance to gain it seems counterproductive, but it’s what kept me focused last time.
Reading. I have a couple baby making books lined up. Seems kind of stupid to have to read a book to have kids, I mean hells bells how many irresponsible one night stands lead to a pregnancy? I will though, try to give myself the edge by figuring out anything that I can possibly do to help increase our odds.
Trying anything and everything. Yes, I’m busting out the old trusty Pre-Seed. I’m bringing out the wedge pillow. Is sex going to be all about the spur of the moment intimacy and reconnecting with my partner? No. It’s going to be planned and precise and most likely monotonous, but that’s what we have to do. We are not blessed to be one of those couples who don’t have to try to have a baby. We are a couple who has to try to align the stars in the exact formation of a unicorn to conceive so aligning the stars we will do.
When I step back and look at all this, I do realize what it must look like to outsiders looking in. I probably come across as a lady who’s lost her mind and to be quite frank, I have. A lot of parents would openly admit they would move heaven on earth for their child; I’m doing the same…just before they get here. Talk about overachieving on the parenting scale. My current goal is by the 2 year heartbreakversary of our losing Spawn I want to be pregnant with Spawn’s little brother/sister.
Uterus & ovaries, you better get your shit together.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Home...
The trip is officially over and we are safe and sound back in the states. While we had an amazing time and I'm so grateful to have had the chance to see everything, I'm very glad to be back home.
Unfortunately, we did not get a "Surprise" Europe baby. In fact, I'm quite sure a higher power is slapping me in the face. While at Jerusalem we had the opportunity to go to the Wailing Wall. There you can write a prayer request or a request in general on a piece of paper to put on the wall. I don't think I need to say what it was that I wished for, but alas it was pointless. When I got back to the ship that night, I found out that AF arrived nearly 6 days early. Crazy huh? I ask "God" for a healthy baby and I get my period instead. Coincidence?
Either way we're still on the TTCAL horse. If we are unsuccessful this month with just throwing things up in the air, I'm going back to full on charting with the next AF. I'm sure it will be pointless and we'll end up having to go to the RE, but maybe. You never know.
Unfortunately, we did not get a "Surprise" Europe baby. In fact, I'm quite sure a higher power is slapping me in the face. While at Jerusalem we had the opportunity to go to the Wailing Wall. There you can write a prayer request or a request in general on a piece of paper to put on the wall. I don't think I need to say what it was that I wished for, but alas it was pointless. When I got back to the ship that night, I found out that AF arrived nearly 6 days early. Crazy huh? I ask "God" for a healthy baby and I get my period instead. Coincidence?
Either way we're still on the TTCAL horse. If we are unsuccessful this month with just throwing things up in the air, I'm going back to full on charting with the next AF. I'm sure it will be pointless and we'll end up having to go to the RE, but maybe. You never know.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
U/S Results & A Decision...
Last Wednesday was my u/s. Of course as luck would have it AF arrived the night before. Thankfully it wasn't too bad so I decided to go ahead with the u/s (I called ahead and they said a-okay to do it). The u/s itself wasn't fun. Lets be honest, when is it ever? The tech was very nice and pointing things out to me and you know made sure to really push on that full bladder. The u/s itself only took about 30 minutes and then I was out.
Waiting for the results has been murder. I thought I saw something on my u/s, but I'm not the specialist and not 100% sure what I'm looking at so waiting has sucked. This morning the office finally called me with my results. Mostly unremarkable, but a small uterine fibroid is present. I was told it's nothing to be too worried about and my subsequent research pretty much said the same.
The results did spark a conversation between T and I. We're going to try for a baby. I'm not going back to charting right away, but we're giving it a whirl. Fingers crossed!
Waiting for the results has been murder. I thought I saw something on my u/s, but I'm not the specialist and not 100% sure what I'm looking at so waiting has sucked. This morning the office finally called me with my results. Mostly unremarkable, but a small uterine fibroid is present. I was told it's nothing to be too worried about and my subsequent research pretty much said the same.
The results did spark a conversation between T and I. We're going to try for a baby. I'm not going back to charting right away, but we're giving it a whirl. Fingers crossed!
Monday, August 13, 2012
What Do We Have To Lose?
Next week I have my yearly scheduled with Dr. Awesome. I made a point to make sure it was with Dr. Awesome because we have an agenda. We're going to ask him about another medication.
When I first met with Dr. Awesome back in October he went over the game plan. 6 months on meds before any further testing. He blindsided us when he ordered testing after 3 failed cycles. He blindsided us again when he referred us to an RE after our results came back fine. I respect his referral, I really do. I appreciate that he wants to see us be successful so he forwarded us to the specialist, but I still feel like I need those 3 months.
I figured the worst that can happen is he says no. I need to at least try though.
When I first met with Dr. Awesome back in October he went over the game plan. 6 months on meds before any further testing. He blindsided us when he ordered testing after 3 failed cycles. He blindsided us again when he referred us to an RE after our results came back fine. I respect his referral, I really do. I appreciate that he wants to see us be successful so he forwarded us to the specialist, but I still feel like I need those 3 months.
I figured the worst that can happen is he says no. I need to at least try though.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My Appt
My doctor’s appointment sucked. From the moment I walked into the building until the moment I left. Let’s start with the exciting “are you fucking kidding me” story. I walked in and the waiting room was empty. SCORE! No pregnant women! I let out my sigh, paid my co-pay and sat down. Minutes later a car pulled up and I looked out the window to see a woman carrying an infant carrier walking up. Awesome! She walks in and it’s obvious she’s still recovering from her delivery; she has a newborn baby boy in the carrier and with her is this young looking pregnant girl. Based on the conversation I overheard between them and the doctor’s staff. The woman was mom, the girl was her teenage daughter, and the boy was her son. Her teenage daughter isn’t even old enough to drive yet she’s more than halfway through her pregnancy. How special, mom and daughter get to experience pregnancy together. :insert eye roll here:
I bite my tongue and just go back to looking at my phone while they proceed to stare at me. Not glance, STARE. Then in walks another pregnant teenager with her mom and young child. I figured young child was the grandma’s, but NOPE, that was the teens as well. She’s on to baby #2.
I don’t have anything against teen parents. I really don’t. A lot of teens step up to the plate, grow up and raise their children. There are quite a few who don’t though and I have a feeling based on their conversations, these two girls were in that “don’t” category.
Finally I get called back, hallelujah. Dr. Awesome’s nurse and nurse intern do the normal line of questioning and once the nurse got into my history (the loss, IF, etc) the nurse intern’s eyes look like they were about to bulge out of their head. She caught herself and her complete look of shock, but a little too late, I saw it. I tried to stay optimistic though, Dr. Awesome always makes me feel better. He’s optimistic and always smiles so I couldn’t wait to see him.
About 10 minutes later Dr. Awesome comes in. No smile, holding a dictionary, er, my chart, and sat down. He thumbed through my file for a moment before he finally sucked all the oxygen from the room. My clomid cycles were “textbook.” My charts were “beautiful” and our timing was “fantastic.” He thought for sure in 3 cycles we would have gotten there, but we didn’t. Before we proceed with anything else he wants to do some additional tests and based on his tone and how he was speaking, I have a feeling he thinks the issue isn’t solely on me. He wants an HSG on me and a SA for T. I figured at any point he would smile and say it’s just precautionary, but that never happened.
Finally he said it; we might have to go to a Reproduction Endocrinologist. I wanted to cry. He explained that if T’s SA comes back with an issue, we’ll have to go to a RE. If it turns out he’s good, he will only do 3 more medicated cycles (with another med) before he recommends a RE. He ended up saying the term RE like a dozen times. He explained how some things are just out of his reach and he doesn’t have the necessary equipment and resources. That sometimes on the outside an issue looks easy to fix, but in reality it’s not. He ended it with saying we need the results of these two tests before we can move forward.
His nurse gave me the orders for the SA and explained when CD1 comes along I need to call her so they can schedule my HSG. I left the office feeling defeated. Sad and defeated. I know we don’t have the results back and it could be everything else is fine, but the fact that my optimistic doctor lost that tone makes me so pessimistic. If he is losing his optimism, then I sure as hell will be.
The reality is if it comes back that there’s another issue, we will be right back and square one. Needing a RE and not having the resources to see one. It will be at least a year, at best, before we can even entertain the idea of seeing one. Since it’s 100% out of pocket we will need to save money to pay for this. Then once we see the RE, it will take time to save money to pay for the procedures they think we need. Just more and more waiting. More and more optimism and hope going down the drain. I am hoping and wishing and praying T’s SA comes back normal and that clomid just wasn’t our drug. Otherwise my dreams of being a mom are quickly slipping out of reach.
I bite my tongue and just go back to looking at my phone while they proceed to stare at me. Not glance, STARE. Then in walks another pregnant teenager with her mom and young child. I figured young child was the grandma’s, but NOPE, that was the teens as well. She’s on to baby #2.
I don’t have anything against teen parents. I really don’t. A lot of teens step up to the plate, grow up and raise their children. There are quite a few who don’t though and I have a feeling based on their conversations, these two girls were in that “don’t” category.
Finally I get called back, hallelujah. Dr. Awesome’s nurse and nurse intern do the normal line of questioning and once the nurse got into my history (the loss, IF, etc) the nurse intern’s eyes look like they were about to bulge out of their head. She caught herself and her complete look of shock, but a little too late, I saw it. I tried to stay optimistic though, Dr. Awesome always makes me feel better. He’s optimistic and always smiles so I couldn’t wait to see him.
About 10 minutes later Dr. Awesome comes in. No smile, holding a dictionary, er, my chart, and sat down. He thumbed through my file for a moment before he finally sucked all the oxygen from the room. My clomid cycles were “textbook.” My charts were “beautiful” and our timing was “fantastic.” He thought for sure in 3 cycles we would have gotten there, but we didn’t. Before we proceed with anything else he wants to do some additional tests and based on his tone and how he was speaking, I have a feeling he thinks the issue isn’t solely on me. He wants an HSG on me and a SA for T. I figured at any point he would smile and say it’s just precautionary, but that never happened.
Finally he said it; we might have to go to a Reproduction Endocrinologist. I wanted to cry. He explained that if T’s SA comes back with an issue, we’ll have to go to a RE. If it turns out he’s good, he will only do 3 more medicated cycles (with another med) before he recommends a RE. He ended up saying the term RE like a dozen times. He explained how some things are just out of his reach and he doesn’t have the necessary equipment and resources. That sometimes on the outside an issue looks easy to fix, but in reality it’s not. He ended it with saying we need the results of these two tests before we can move forward.
His nurse gave me the orders for the SA and explained when CD1 comes along I need to call her so they can schedule my HSG. I left the office feeling defeated. Sad and defeated. I know we don’t have the results back and it could be everything else is fine, but the fact that my optimistic doctor lost that tone makes me so pessimistic. If he is losing his optimism, then I sure as hell will be.
The reality is if it comes back that there’s another issue, we will be right back and square one. Needing a RE and not having the resources to see one. It will be at least a year, at best, before we can even entertain the idea of seeing one. Since it’s 100% out of pocket we will need to save money to pay for this. Then once we see the RE, it will take time to save money to pay for the procedures they think we need. Just more and more waiting. More and more optimism and hope going down the drain. I am hoping and wishing and praying T’s SA comes back normal and that clomid just wasn’t our drug. Otherwise my dreams of being a mom are quickly slipping out of reach.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Back To OPK's
Anywho, I managed to find my flow again and even used OPK's this cycle. So there you have 'em. As normal, have my typical fade in and fade out. Yada, yada. Just the normal OPK game that I'm just so over playing.
I did notice something weird though and that's my temps. I'm not sure if my thermometer is dying or my body is just freaking out because my temps have been crazy close together. Normally I have a jump up and down, but it's been pretty consistent. I guess we'll see next month what it does.
So now we wait to see how long my LP is. Here's hoping it's long, but I'm not holding my breath.
Monday, March 5, 2012
215 days..
**We’re now counting down the days until we leave for our trip instead of days until we board the boat**
Excuse my random blogging sabbatical. I’ve noticed since we’re not currently riding the treatment train there just isn’t as much to blog about. No overanalyzing symptoms or freaking out over OPK’s so not much to report there. The break has been nice really. To not stress 24/7 about it has really been good for us as a couple. I’m definitely going back to charting next cycle simply so we still keep an eye on what my body is doing exactly, but our world isn’t going to revolve around it.
There have been some questions as to what are we doing exactly. Are we trying or avoiding? The answer is neither. We are not actively trying to pregnant, nor are we avoiding it. There will come a point where we will actively prevent and that is July. July is when final payment for the trip is due and we pass the 100% refund mark. After that having to cancel will lose us money and that’s something we’re not down for. So if we aren’t with child by then, then we will actively prevent until our trip is done.
Speaking of the trip, we got our backpacks! While I haven’t traveled with it yet, I have messed around with it and it’s awesome! I had a bit of a ditz moment though because I couldn’t find the straps to wear it as a backpack. Apparently they are removable and tucked away in this secret compartment on the backpack. The backpack is sweet though and I’m very pleased with the purchase. I will be using it this weekend when I dog sit for my parents.
Another trip update, we are starting to finalize the excursions we will be doing! Our most exciting (and nerve wracking) one will be in Cairo as we are doing an overnight excursion! I was very much so on the fence about it because of all the civil unrest there, but from what I’ve heard/read as long as you aren’t walking the mean streets of Cairo by yourself at night you should be fine. I guess they tend to avoid large tour groups since there is usually a fair amount of people. So we’re hoping that’s the way it goes. This excursion also offers a lot of amazing opportunities that we couldn’t have otherwise, so we’re rolling the dice. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
That’s about all I got. I might start posting once I start charting again just to keep my OPK pics up since I do know some people actually reference those, but don’t expect the crazy “OMFG is this it” type of post for a while.
Edit: 8:37 pm
Just booked our hotel for after the cruise. Was lucky enough to get the same hotel as our pre-cruise days in Rome!! Woot!
Finalize decision about trip
Put deposit on cruise
Put in for vacation
Put in for vacation (T)
Pay remaining balance of cruise
Book airfare
Sign up for shore excursions
Book hotel for days before cruise & after
Make sure vaccines up to date
Get visas for required countries
Get all US Embassy info for each country
Excuse my random blogging sabbatical. I’ve noticed since we’re not currently riding the treatment train there just isn’t as much to blog about. No overanalyzing symptoms or freaking out over OPK’s so not much to report there. The break has been nice really. To not stress 24/7 about it has really been good for us as a couple. I’m definitely going back to charting next cycle simply so we still keep an eye on what my body is doing exactly, but our world isn’t going to revolve around it.
There have been some questions as to what are we doing exactly. Are we trying or avoiding? The answer is neither. We are not actively trying to pregnant, nor are we avoiding it. There will come a point where we will actively prevent and that is July. July is when final payment for the trip is due and we pass the 100% refund mark. After that having to cancel will lose us money and that’s something we’re not down for. So if we aren’t with child by then, then we will actively prevent until our trip is done.
Speaking of the trip, we got our backpacks! While I haven’t traveled with it yet, I have messed around with it and it’s awesome! I had a bit of a ditz moment though because I couldn’t find the straps to wear it as a backpack. Apparently they are removable and tucked away in this secret compartment on the backpack. The backpack is sweet though and I’m very pleased with the purchase. I will be using it this weekend when I dog sit for my parents.
Another trip update, we are starting to finalize the excursions we will be doing! Our most exciting (and nerve wracking) one will be in Cairo as we are doing an overnight excursion! I was very much so on the fence about it because of all the civil unrest there, but from what I’ve heard/read as long as you aren’t walking the mean streets of Cairo by yourself at night you should be fine. I guess they tend to avoid large tour groups since there is usually a fair amount of people. So we’re hoping that’s the way it goes. This excursion also offers a lot of amazing opportunities that we couldn’t have otherwise, so we’re rolling the dice. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
That’s about all I got. I might start posting once I start charting again just to keep my OPK pics up since I do know some people actually reference those, but don’t expect the crazy “OMFG is this it” type of post for a while.
Edit: 8:37 pm
Just booked our hotel for after the cruise. Was lucky enough to get the same hotel as our pre-cruise days in Rome!! Woot!
Pay remaining balance of cruise
Sign up for shore excursions
Make sure vaccines up to date
Get visas for required countries
Get all US Embassy info for each country
Thursday, February 23, 2012
BFP Anniversary
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of our BFP for Spawn. Exactly 1 year ago I was over the moon excited and could not believe my dream of being a mother was finally going to come true. I can still remember my hand shaking while I held the test and repeated “OMG, OMG, OMG” just staring at those two beautiful lines. The day I found out I was pregnant truly was an amazing day. To know we actually did it and I was carrying our baby was amazing. It was one of the rare times I was happy with my body and I couldn’t wait to hold our little one.
Today, my arms and my uterus are empty. Painfully empty.
I keep telling myself that I’m okay because after a while I’m bound to believe it. I knew this day was coming and I did my best to prepare for it, but nothing can really prepare you to face the anniversary of one of the happiest days of your life, when things ended so badly. I didn’t get the flowers or balloons. I didn’t get the baby shower or nursery furniture. I didn’t get my baby. Something that always hangs over my head, but is seriously at the forefront of my mind these days.
I know the decision to hold off on further treatments was ours and we could go back on it at any time, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this hurts like hell. I wish I wasn’t taking this trip because that would mean I would either have a little one in my arms, or a little one in my belly. I try to tell myself that this trip is what we need, that we need to focus on us because we’re drifting too far apart, but then my heart screams that I will never be happy until I have a baby in my arms. I know we can’t keep pushing forward if we’re drifting too far apart, but it’s so hard to convince my heart of that.
Today just sucks. And I know March 20th is going to suck even more. I hate this.
Spawn, I love you my sweet baby to the moon and back!
Today, my arms and my uterus are empty. Painfully empty.
I keep telling myself that I’m okay because after a while I’m bound to believe it. I knew this day was coming and I did my best to prepare for it, but nothing can really prepare you to face the anniversary of one of the happiest days of your life, when things ended so badly. I didn’t get the flowers or balloons. I didn’t get the baby shower or nursery furniture. I didn’t get my baby. Something that always hangs over my head, but is seriously at the forefront of my mind these days.
I know the decision to hold off on further treatments was ours and we could go back on it at any time, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this hurts like hell. I wish I wasn’t taking this trip because that would mean I would either have a little one in my arms, or a little one in my belly. I try to tell myself that this trip is what we need, that we need to focus on us because we’re drifting too far apart, but then my heart screams that I will never be happy until I have a baby in my arms. I know we can’t keep pushing forward if we’re drifting too far apart, but it’s so hard to convince my heart of that.
Today just sucks. And I know March 20th is going to suck even more. I hate this.
Spawn, I love you my sweet baby to the moon and back!
Monday, February 20, 2012
231 Days...
Time is officially creeping by and in fact, at some points I think it's going backwards! Anyway, I am pleased to say that I was able to upgrade our seats to the awesome seats I was bitching about not getting. Yay! We had to pay a small fee to upgrade, but I figured if we're spending that much time on a plane then dammit I'm going to be comfortable! I made the airline verify (multiple times) that we do indeed have those seats.
We also purchased our backpacks for the trip. I obviously can't report on them yet since we haven't actually received them, but I've heard wonderful things about them. Since we are flying overseas we want to make sure we have a couple days worth of clothes on our person so should our bag not make it to Rome, we still have clothes. This will also hopefully keep our packing to minimal. I'm going to try to be daring and only take the backpack, but we'll see. I know that sounds crazy, but we are doing so much traveling via public transportation and walking that I really don't want to be lugging a suitcase around. We have time to decide though.
In other news, I'm sicker than sick right now. Ugh! So on Thursday when I'm all weepy because it's the 1 year mark of our BFP, I'm going to also be congested and have a monster headache. Yeah, that won't make me a psycho bitch at all. Oh well, what can I do right? Speaking of that whole situation, I need to make one thing perfectly clear, this trip is by no means taking away from the disappointment we are feeling. I am hearing a lot of "you're so lucky" and "OMG, I would love to take that trip" and all that jazz, but honestly, I would much prefer to be "tied down" with a healthy baby. I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if I was getting my beautiful take home baby.
We also purchased our backpacks for the trip. I obviously can't report on them yet since we haven't actually received them, but I've heard wonderful things about them. Since we are flying overseas we want to make sure we have a couple days worth of clothes on our person so should our bag not make it to Rome, we still have clothes. This will also hopefully keep our packing to minimal. I'm going to try to be daring and only take the backpack, but we'll see. I know that sounds crazy, but we are doing so much traveling via public transportation and walking that I really don't want to be lugging a suitcase around. We have time to decide though.
In other news, I'm sicker than sick right now. Ugh! So on Thursday when I'm all weepy because it's the 1 year mark of our BFP, I'm going to also be congested and have a monster headache. Yeah, that won't make me a psycho bitch at all. Oh well, what can I do right? Speaking of that whole situation, I need to make one thing perfectly clear, this trip is by no means taking away from the disappointment we are feeling. I am hearing a lot of "you're so lucky" and "OMG, I would love to take that trip" and all that jazz, but honestly, I would much prefer to be "tied down" with a healthy baby. I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if I was getting my beautiful take home baby.
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