What's New?

Once upon a time I used to love blogging.

Currently I don't feel that way. Thankfully my awesome friend Jenn reminded me that it's okay that I'm depressing and down. I'm allowed to be. We just had our 2 year angelversary of our beloved Spawn and we're 3 months past our loss of Offspring. I'm allowed to be bitter and cynical so thank you Jenn for reminding me!

Updates....

We have an appointment with a RE on the 27th. I know, I know, we said we weren't going to see one, but an opportunity presented itself and we have to take it. It got to the point that neither Doc nor Dr. Awesome would even prescribe progesterone for me. They just kept saying "go to the RE, go to the RE" so my mom worked her magic (I swear that woman is like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio at times) and we have our appointment next week.

We're finally doing flooring in the house. About time right? We're starting with the downstairs floor first and then will move upstairs. We've picked out the tile and the guy is coming early next week to measure so we can order the tile. Hopefully that will get started in the next week or two. It'll be lovely to finally have new flooring.

Of course the new flooring means we'll be doing some other DIY projects that we've been putting off. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk and blog about those. We could use some happy posts right?

On the adoption front, the meeting got cancelled. We're going to schedule another one after we meet with the RE. We want to make sure we are making the right decisions for us.

All Over The Place

Excuse this mess of a post. It's going to be all over the place, sort of like my mind right now.

Therapy
Had my appointment with my therapist on Thursday. It was like a therapy appointment is supposed to be. Emotional and makes you question how it's actually going to help. You get to rehash all the crap that makes you sad and have someone call you out on your crap. I know in the end it will help me because she truly is a great therapist and knows what's ultimately my issue, my insane need to have constant control. I just keep telling myself that you have to get through the storm to get to the rainbow.

Ovulation

Much to my surprise I have ovulated already. I actually ovulated slightly earlier than normal which I'm not holding my breath to be my new normal. I O'd on CD17 which is 2 days earlier. I'm mostly surprise just because my first cycle post loss last time was awful and I didn't O until CD27. To do it so early this month was just shocking to me is all.

Now is the ridiculous wait to see how long my LP will be. I'm hoping for at least a 10. I know, I know, that's asking for a lot all things considered, but I really hope that if there is any good that can come out of this it'll be that my LP got longer. At least in double digits. We'll see.


Wow

Have you ever had something happen that leaves you speechless and going "I cannot believe people like this actually exist"? That was me this morning. I checked my mailbox and I was completely surprised to find a box from a wonderful person I've gotten to know through the boards, Jenn. I waited until T was awake and we opened the box together. I lost it. In a good way.

Her gift was so incredibly generous and touched me is a such a way. I never imagined when I joined the boards the real life friendships that would be formed. Today I consider myself very lucky and incredibly blessed to have Jenn in my life and to be able to call her a friend. Her gift reminded me that even though I feel like I'm missing so much, I still have so many wonderful things and people in my life. Jenn, thank you so much for betting a wonderful person and for making me smile. 

Our Angels

I'm so excited to say our angels have arrived!!

The night before my D&C I went on Etsy trying to find something to memorialize our little Offspring. I have a necklace from my mom for Spawn and I wanted something tangible for Offspring as well. During my search I came across these angel candle holders and fell in love.

I contacted the seller and asked if they can do them in any color, specifically in two birthstones Ruby & Topaz. The seller responded by saying they can do any color you'd like so I of course ordered two right up. Then the holidays happened, the poor guy got sick, I had to dog sit. So I finally got to see my angels last night and I LOVE THEM!

They absolutely took my breath away and it makes us feel complete in a way. I feel like now these two babes who meant so very much to us will forever be present in our home, as they should be. I especially love to watch the candles flicker behind the colored glass because it reminds me of my two babes little beating hearts. A small symbol of two lives who never got the chance to really live.

Spawn & Offspring, mommy & daddy love you to the moon & back.

It's Not Healthy, I KNOW

Look, I know the anger isn't healthy. I know the jealousy isn't healthy. I know rolling my eyes at pregnant women isn't healthy. I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

It's funny, some people think I'm taking this loss so much better than the last. Me, I think I'm doing much worse. At least last time I was mostly sad and crying. This time, I'm so damn angry I can hardly see straight. I'm mad at the universe. I'm mad at myself. I'm just mad.

This past weekend my mom and I went to see Les Miserables, which by the way is amazing, and I could totally relate to one verse from I Dreamed a Dream:

     "I had a dream my life would be
      So different from this hell I'm living
      So different now from what it seemed
      Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

          - Fantine in I Dreamed a Dream (Les Miserables)

That's exactly how I feel. I am at the point that I feel like we will never get there. We will never know the joy of holding a little one in our arms. One to call our own. I had such big dreams for T and I and our family and it feels like they are just shot dead in the water.

T and I went out for dinner tonight and I told him I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mother. There is no denying that and I'm not saying I don't, but my question is at what point do we pull the plug on this? Am I a little girl who is dreaming of becoming a fairy princess? Something that can never be achieved? I never even tried to imagine my life without kids because that was never going to be my reality, but here I am.

We're not making any decisions. Obviously everything is still raw and I'm clearly just not in a good place. I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I used to be so optimistic, now not so much. I have changed in so many ways and I'm not sure I'll ever be back to where I was.

Why?

You  know, you'd think I'd be smarter than this by now, but apparently not.

I went back to my former birth month board just to see, oh hell I don't know what I wanted to see, I just wanted to see and what do I find? Lots of posts with people talking about their big announcement reveals over the holiday. Some even had youtube videos of reactions. Most normal and sane folks would have just closed the internet and go about their night, but no, not me. I instead watch the damn videos.

I was doing okay until the last video when the mom got really emotional and started crying and then I did. That should have been us. We should have been announcing over Christmas. We should have been filming our families getting excited and laughing and freaking out because we're finally having a baby, but nope. That's not us. Instead our families are walking on eggshells because once again our hearts have been shattered.

I don't get why. Why do all these people get pregnant so easily and then get to keep their babies and enjoy pregnancies while some of us feel like we're never going to get there? I really wish someone could explain why...

I Was Due....Today

“Every so often we long to steal
To the land of what might have been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in…”

Today was Spawn’s due date. Today I should have been getting excited and thrilled to meet our little one. Today I should be on maternity leave and frantically cleaning the house to make sure it’s spotless. Today I should be washing the final loads of baby clothes and double/triple checking the hospital bag. Today should be very different.

4 Months (and four days)

My Dearest Spawn,

It's been 4 months (and four days) since you grew your wings and left this world. In these past 4 months I've been all over the map. I've ping ponged back and forth, depressed, happy, sad, okay. Truly it's been the roller coaster from hell. At the 3 month mark I was in such a good place, well as good of a place as I could be. Today, not there. I miss you so much right now it hurts my heart in such a wicked way. I miss you everyday, but the last few it's been damn near unbearable.

I am doing my best to come to terms with the fact that when your due date rolls around, my arms and uterus will both still be empty. November 1st is going to suck. No amount of planning or preparing is going to prepare my heart for the reality. Everyone tells me to keep a positive attitude and keep focused on trying again, but I can't. I just can't. I have tried the positive thinking route and it didn't work. All it did was make me more frustrated and hurt.

Daddy and I have been talking about the future. I think we are both rapidly reaching the point of just throwing our arms up and saying we're done trying. As much as it kills me, and you know it does, this roller coaster kills me even more. My heart has been broken and taped back together countless times on this shitty journey and I think it's safe to say that it broke in an unrepairable way the day you left.

I know I will see you again my sweet little one and I'll be able to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. Until then I will keep you close to my heart and please know that I love you, to the moon and back!

Love,
Mommy

3 Months...

3 months ago today my heart broke in a way I never imagined possible. I woke up to intense pain and only a few hours later it was confirmed that my baby was gone, forever. There was no chance s/he was hiding or that s/he was moving around. My entire uterus was empty. As was my chest, because with the news that my baby was gone, my heart too went to heaven. 3 months ago today, everything about my life and myself completely changed.

Looking back on the past 3 months I am amazed how far I have come. I have gone from having serious emotional breakdowns at even the mention of baby items, to planning a baby shower and being actually excited about it. I am proud of myself. If you would have told me 3 months ago that I would be laughing again, I would tell you that you were nuts. If you would have told me that I would be able to help my sister register and not want to run into traffic, I would have told you that you were crazy.

As life has a crazy way of doing, it moves on as do you. During the horrible first few hours, days, weeks and sometimes months post loss, you feel like you are in this eternal pit of darkness and sadness. Everything about life seems to be duller and have absolutely no life in it. Then slowly the color comes back. The sky that had turned an ugly matte blue goes back to being a vibrant lively blue. You find yourself leaving your house and not worrying every second if you are going to run into a pregnant woman, or an infant.

The most incredible thing to me is that someone so small, who left so soon had the greatest impact on my life. I am no where near the person I was pre-loss and I’m grateful for that. Spawn taught me to be braver. To live life a little more fully. To laugh a little bit harder. To forgive a little more often. To hug just a little bit tighter. To smile just a little bit wider. And most importantly, to tell those that you love that you do love them, a little more often.

I’m human and I do cry every now and then. There is this part of me that hurts and I know that it will always hurt. There are times where I get angry because I will never know why this happened. But I take it in stride. That’s all we really can do.

Halfway...

Tuesday would have marked my 20th week of pregnancy. It would have marked the halfway point and we would most likely have known if we were expecting a little boy or a little girl. We would probably be freaking out thinking "holy hell, we're halfway there."

We're not though. I'm halfway (??) through my 2nd post loss cycle and we are discussing when we should start trying again. I'm not sure where I'm at emotionally at this point. So many days I am back to myself. I'm laughing and joking and being horribly sarcastic. Then randomly I will have one of those days that brings me to my knees and reminds me exactly how much my loss really hurts. On a random day I will find myself touching my stomach and I have to remind myself, there is no baby in there. My uterus is, as it has been for far too long, empty.

Coincidently enough, T and I had the "talk." The "when do you want to start trying, if again, to have a baby." We both pretty much are in the same place, hell if I know. For now I am content to just focus on getting healthier and paying off some debts, maybe even focus on some home imporvements more. I know that when the time is right, we will know and there will be no questioning that it's time. That time, is just not right now and I'm okay with that.

Spawn, I love you my sweet baby, to the moon and back!

Grief, You Sneaky SOB

Most days I'm chugging along trying to look forward instead of looking back.

Then randomly, out of the blue, grief will show it's ugly face and I'm not looking forward. Instead I'm standing still wishing so badly I could go back. Today is one of those days. I don't know exactly where or when I stopped moving forward, but I did. On the way home I rehashed my entire day trying to figure out why I am so angry/bitter/sad/frustrated and it hit me, Tuesday's were the days that I graduated from one week to the next. Today, I should be 18 weeks pregnant.

I try my hardest to not do this to myself. To not do the whole "I should be" or "What if" game because it hurts and really no good comes of it. All it does is further open that wound, but I have days where no matter how bad I know it is, I still do it. Instead of getting all psyched up to have our 20 week u/s, I'm back to trying to decipher a positive OPK from a negative OPK. I should be feeling flutters and questioning if it's the baby or gas and always ruling it as the baby, instead I'm taking 4 IB Profin because my menstrual cramps are making it damn near impossible to even sit straight up.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to never have been pregnant at all. Would getting my cycle hurt less? Would I be less agitated taking my temp every morning? Would I laugh more consistently? Would I be more excited about the wonderfully happy events that are taking place?

But if I never got pregnant that means Spawn would have never existed and s/he very much so did. I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm not mourning the idea of a baby, I'm mourning my baby. Every month when I got my cycle I would become sad and depressed because it was another month that meant I wasn't going to be a mommy. Now, it's a reminder that I am a mommy, but to a child that I never got to hold, or kiss, or snuggle.

Grief, I absolutely loathe you. I hate that you sneak up on me at the most random of times. Please do me a huge favor and give me some warning next time. Maybe a little twitch at the sight of a baby, or something just so I know you are going to unleash your unholy fury on me. And to my sweet baby, I love you to the moon and back!

A Month...

Tomorrow will mark the 4 week mark since losing Spawn. That's why I'm posting tonight because tomorrow will just hurt too much to put sentences together.

Spawn, I miss you so much. I keep trying to find the strength to look at the u/s photos again, but I can't. I WANT to see your sweet photo, but it hurts so much to know that 4 weeks ago today you were snug in my body and today, you're gone. I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are sweet baby. I love you, to the moon and back.

3 Weeks

3 weeks ago my heart was forever changed when we lost Spawn. Even 3 weeks later it still hurts my heart in a way in never imagined possible. I was in the shower thinking about random stuff when it hit me, I should be 10w5d pregnant with Spawn. By now our parents would have been told and they too would be excited. Instead, we're all sad.

Tomorrow I have what is hopefully my last beta draw. I am hoping for my betas to be back at 0, or at least <5. Otherwise, that means my body retained something and my doc will have to consider going it to get it surgically. That would be awful at this point. I feel like my heart is finally moving forward since I'm done m/c, to have to have the surgery right now would just throw me back right into the heart of my grief and my sanity cannot take that. So here's hoping they are where they should be.

As far as trying again is concerned. Right now, my heart isn't ready. Where I'll be in a couple months when we can actually try, who knows, but as of today, I'm not ready. I don't want to get pregnant again because I feel like in a way I would be replacing Spawn and I can't do that. Then I'm worried about how paranoid I will be when I am pregnant. Will I even enjoy being pregnant? Will I constantly compare my pregnancy to Spawn's? Will getting pregnant again help heal my heart, or will it simply reopen all the wounds? There are so many thoughts, so many.

Spawn, today was the 1st day since we lost you that I looked at your sonogram pictures. It was for only a second because I immediately burst into tears, but I did look. Nonni (my mom) is working on a surprise necklace for me. All I know is it will be a locket because I want to carry your sonogram picture with me. Keep it close to my heart because that's where you always are, in my heart. I love you sweet baby, wherever you are.

Not A Good Day...

I have good days.

Then I have bad days. Today is a bad day, I just didn't realize it until now. I've been short all day. I've been annoyed and everything has gotten on my nerves. It was only as I started listening to Beethoven and perusing the internet that I realized, today is a bad day. I'm angry. I'm so angry I can barely stand it. I want someone, anyone, to tell me why my baby is gone. I don't want the cliche "everything happens for a reason." If that was true, then you could tell me the reason. But no one can and no one ever will.

I'm supposed to be getting excited right now about sharing the news of our baby with our family. I should be stalking Personalizationmall.com for the status of the custom frames I picked out. I should be purchasing a bella band online and reading through all my pregnancy books. I should be looking at nursery furniture online and arguing with T about names. I'm not though. Instead, I'm looking at memorial jewelry online because I want something to remind me of my baby. A baby that most people think I shouldn't be greiving, but oh god am I. I never knew how much I could love until we lost Spawn. When we lost Spawn, my heart broke in a way I never thought it could. I'm not talking my boyfriend dumped me heartbroken. I'm talking a crippling pain that completely changes how you look at everything.

Spawn, I miss you so much my heart hurts. I hate that the entire world is still going like nothing happened. I hate that not everyone is wearing black, mourning a pecious soul that never got to live. I hate that I never even had the chance to protect you. I feel like I failed you as a mommy because my one job was to keep you safe and I couldn't. I hate that I have no where to go to visit you. I don't have a grave to cry at or put balloons on your birthday. I don't have an urn to hold close to my heart. The rest of the world acts like you never existed, but this huge hole in my heart reminds me with every beat that you did. I know I've said it a thousand times and I will continue to say it until my very last breath, I love you sweet baby, to the moon and back!