13w1d: Update

Boy, I am awesome at dropping off the face of the Earth aren't I? What can I say? It's a gift.

So I'm back with an update and there's a lot to update.

First up, let's take a moment to celebrate the fact that I'm officially DONE with Crinone! Hallelujah! My last dose was Friday and let me tell you, was it awesome not doing it last night. Though I know it was for the welfare of Progeny, it didn't make taking that medication any easier because the stuff utterly sucks. So yay for being done!

Next, my body still wants to be a massive pain in the ass and I've developed pregnancy induced high blood pressure. It's not considered preeclampsia until after 20w, so my dx is chronic hyptertension which is a complete lie because I've always had awesome BP, but apparently that's just the medical term. So I had to do the 24 hour urine collection (ugh) and had some blood drawn. I've also been taking my BP x2 daily to monitor it. It hasn't gotten to "OMG" level yet, but it's definitely not where it should be. There is also no rhyme or reason behind the readings. They are all over the map. I have my f/u appointment Wednesday to go over my results of the urine test and blood work. We'll see if meds are needed (oh please no!)

Finally, had my NTS scan on Friday and that was awesome. Though the doctor won't give any firm readings until after they get my blood work, they did say Progeny looks great and (unofficially) is showing no markers for Down Syndrome. The nuchal translucency reading was at 1.7 (they took multiple measurements since Progeny would not sit the hell still and 1.7 was the highest, so doc said better to take the highest) and there was a lovely long nasal bone (me thinks this baby got daddy's nose) and just looks all around gorgeous and no, I'm not being biased. Not at all. We also got to see a close up of his/her heart that was beating at a healthy 167 bpm. If we're using old wives tales (which we're not, it's just fun) this baby is a girl. We'll find out soon enough.

It's surprising to say, but things appear to be progressing normally with only a few blips. Once we get the results of my b/w with the NTS, we'll probably consider announcing to our families which would be around 15-16 weeks. Kind of later, but that's okay.

I'll end it here with two incredible photos of my rockstar. The profile isn't the best one, only because Progeny was just dancing around in there so it's kind of hard to see the definition of his/her nose/mouth, but that's okay. I still think s/he is gorgeous!

Uh...Hi?

Long time no post, eh?

I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.

Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.

Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.

I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.

Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....

Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.

I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.

I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.

Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.

2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.

Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.

That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.

T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.

Why?

Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.

Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.

If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.

Still There...

Had my follow up u/s this morning to find out if my uterus is empty.

It's not.

Thankfully the tech was the same tech as Friday so I don't think she was offended by my response.

Tech: [sigh] Still there.
Me: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

She understood my frustration. Offspring is right there. As in right by my cervix. Still. Apparently my body just doesn't want to let this little one go. Which would be fine if my little one was still with us. But s/he isn't and I'm just ready to move forward with my life at this point.

We're on to plan b now which is a D&C on Friday. I have mixed feelings about it. I really didn't want to go this route, but on the other hand I'm ready for this to be over. My last m/c was a walk in the park physically compared to this. It was like 4 hours of intense pain, but then I was able to start on the emotional healing. This time, it feels like there is no end. My m/c started at 2 am on Friday and as of today my uterus STILL isn't empty. I'm still cramping, but not enough to push this along.

The only silver lining in today was when the tech walked out she left up the picture she took of Offspring. My gut told me to just take a picture of the sonogram for later. That someday I'll look back and be grateful to have that pic of our little one, even if it was after our precious Offspring's heart stopped beating. Not even 12 hours later and I'm already glad I did it. It's hard to see Offspring because of where s/he is located, but s/he is definitely there. S/he is located directly below the broken heart. Fitting because that's exactly how I feel.

6w1d - Dear Spawn, You're Grounded, Love Mom

I knew that T's & my child would be a pain in the butt. We're both sarcastic and bull headed. I didn't expect that our kid would be such an overachiever that s/he would start in utero!

This morning I woke up to some cramping. Nothing out of the ordinary since I've been cramping the whole time, but definitely annoying. I went to the bathroom and my heart dropped to the floor when I saw that I was spotting. That on the other hand was new and scary. Immediately my brain goes to worst case scenario mode. Of course I start bawling fearing the worst.

I immediately called my doctor's office and they were able to get me in. I had to call into work, which made me feel awful, but was unfortunately necessary. The wait at the office SUCKED. While I sat there wondering if my child was okay, happily pregnant women kept coming and going. A couple of them looked like they were ready to pop too!

Finally I got called back to meet with the nurse. She opted to do a pelvic exam to make sure my cervix was closed and was going to do another internal u/s to make sure Spawn's heart was still beating. During the pelvic she did mention my cervix appears to be closed, but she could see the blood, just not the source. Wonderful. Then came time for my u/s. It wasn't as awesome as the last one. She didn't quickly find my baby and point out the wonderful news that her/his heart was beating. It took her a good minute or two to even find the baby. That was the most tense moment of my life!

When she finally found Spawn on the old ghetto machine she pointed out the flicker. Though Spawn's heart rate wasn't as high as it was last time, she did say it was still in the healthy range. She did print out another picture for me and said everything looks normal in my uterus. I was thankful and frustrated at that point. I'm so thankful that Spawn is okay, but so frustrated that no one can give me straight answers. I don't want to hear that spotting is normal! I want to know what is causing it so we can correct it!

She did chat with me for a few minutes after my exam and made sure to explain that I need to try to relax and stay positive. I wanted to slap her. She had my chart, she saw the hell it's been. She then reiterated that I am classified as "High Risk for Miscarriage." Isn't that special. I get to go back again next Friday for another u/s to make sure Spawn is still a-okay.

I did decide that Spawn is probably going to be an only child. I cannot imagine going through this again, especially with child. For now, Spawn is okay and still baking away and is currently grounded until s/he's 30.

Follow Up U/S Reveals....

SPAWN!! After the thousands of tears and prayers, we learned that our "blighted ovum" is actually our healthy baby! I had my f/u u/s today that was supposed to be the confirmation of my diagnosis, but to everyone's shock, the u/s found our little one. Truly the most amazing moment of my life!

The u/s started off less than stellar, which sucked. The tech was incredibly nice and he started with the abdominal portion first. He was able to see the gestational sac, but could not see the baby. I became choked up, but he remained optimistic. So he moved onto the transvaginal u/s. I couldn't even look at the screen. I just stared at the ceiling while he began the u/s and the nurse next to me offered her reassuring smiles. Finally what felt like a lifetime later, but in reality was probably only a few seconds, the tech said "Here, look at this," so I looked at teh screen. He was pointing to a little speck on the u/s and said "do you know what that is?" I replied with "No." He smiled and said "That's your baby!" I immediately burst into tears.

The rest of the u/s was a blur at that point. I couldn't stop crying and kept apologizing over and over again. I do remember saying "I'm sorry, it's just been a really stressful 10 days." The nurse was very sweet and kept telling me I had no reason to apologize, that I was allowed to cry and be happy and relieved. The good news didn't stop at just finding out Spawn is indeed growing. The tech was not only able to find the heart beat, he was able to zoom in enough for us to hear it! Our little one has a healthy heart rate of 117bpm (beats per minute).

After taking his measurements and being kind enough to print me out 5 pictures, the tech advised the u/s was over and to get dressed. I met him and the nurse in the hallway to discuss where we go from here. I am going to go in again on 3/29, which was my original doctor's appointment. My doc will do another u/s to confirm Spawn's growth and from there I join the ranks of "normal" pregnant women going only 1 a month until my last month.

After the initial excitment, total crippling fear set in. All I could think about is how far I should be based on when I got my BFP and how low my #'s were. I asked the tech if it was bad that I'm only measuring 5w6d instead of 7w1d where my LMP puts me. I was mid sentence when he put his hand up and said "I'm going to stop you right there. You need to stop worrying about what has happened up to this point. When you got your positive and your #'s don't mean anything at this point. All that matters is you have a healthy growing baby inside you who is measuring beautifully and has a healthy heart rate." I really liked him.

On my way out I couldn't wipe the smile off my face and it was obvious that I had been crying. The very sweet receptionists both looked at me and said "Well?" I smiled and said "See you guys on the 29th" and showed my u/s pictures. They both smiled and the schedule lady said "See you then!"

To say we are excited is an understatement. Now that we've seen the heartbeat my chances of miscarriage go down to about 13% and I now only have the normal fear lingering over my head. I feel like a huge weight was taken off my chest and now I can breathe again. The tears that fall from my eyes are for relief and excitement, not fear and sadness. My entire world has totally changed, again, and I'm in love with absolutely EVERY second of it.

Spawn, I love you more than words can describe. To see your heartbeat today brought a joy to my heart that I never knew existed. There are not many things in this world that I am sure of anymore, but there is ONE thing I know for sure and that is your mommy & daddy love you so much and we will move heaven on earth to make sure you stay safe. So snuggle up little one, we're in this for the long haul!