After one polite voicemail this morning and a somewhat "hate" voicemail this afternoon, my OB's office finally got back to me with my beta results. As I speculated they might, they went up. Not just up though, they jumped up. From 1592 on the 9th to 3064 on the 14th. Sure, it's not by any means a super awesome jump and most women probably wouldn't get excited about it, but I'm a little excited about it. After my last lackluster slight increase in numbers, I was told this was it. My betas could continue to barely rise, but would most likely start to taper off. I had mentally prepared myself. Then this.
Luckily the obsessing won't need to last long as my follow up u/s is tomorrow at 4:15 pm. I'm anxious, excited, nervous and scared. I would love nothing more than to go tomorrow and find out that Spawn is growing strong and the blighted ovum diagnosis is wrong, but if I think like that and find out the diagnosis was correct, I fear it would destroy me. Either way, this time tomorrow I will probably know one way or the other...
Showing posts with label Blighted Ovum Scare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blighted Ovum Scare. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
T Minus 43 Hours & Counting
I had my 4th beta draw this morning. Luckily there were NO happily pregnant women in the office so waiting wasn't nearly as gut wrenching as the last time. Side note, I don't think I mentioned the pregnant teenager who was bitching about having to drink the glucose crap for her GD test did I? Yeah, last time I went for my blood draw it took forever because the tech was waiting for a "woman" who was running late for her GD test. She failed to mention the girl was young with her boyfriend who had pants hanging around his ass. Not that I'm judging. Not all young parents are idiots, but seriously, they were the cliche pregnant kids. He was complaining about having to wait, she didn't understand why they wouldn't let her go home and there I was. Quietly bouncing my legs as I waited so I could get my draw done and flee the office. Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't have noticed them. Luckily the tech called me back right as the expectant mother started complaining about her gaining 15 pounds this pregnancy and never being able to fit into a bikini again. I'm not kidding.
Anyways, this morning was quick, easy and relatively painless. I was able to make it to work on time and go about my day. Thankfully I was so busy I couldn't see straight. Being busy helps. Not staring at the clock, holding my breath, waiting for my cell to ring with the results makes time feel like it's moving just a tad faster. I will get my results tomorrow. I want them, but I don't want them. As much as I am trying to NOT hold onto that hope my heart can't help it. I so badly want the medical assistant to call and say "holy moly your betas went way up and are now in the way healthy range" instead of the "your betas went up, slightly." Even though I know she won't have fantastic news, it will still sting when I actually hear it.
The next step in this god awful process is my follow up u/s on Wednesday afternoon. Although, that's only if the tech gets out of jury duty. If he doesn't, then lord knows when I'll have that u/s. I hope sooner rather than later. I need closure. I need to know. It will have been 10 days between u/s's so I'm sure if there was going to be progress, they would see it. Honestly, I have no feelings about the u/s. I want it and don't want it. I want to know, but I don't want to know.
To add insult to injury, my body still hasn't figured out that the baby stopped developing. Though my betas are in that "blighted ovum" range, my boobs are still killing me, I still have cramps, my back still hurts, I still have to pee every 5 minutes and I'm hungry all the time. I have all my original pregnancy symptoms. It's playing horrible tricks on my mind, but mostly my heart. My head says my body will catch on, while my heart screams "it's a sign! Your baby is still there!" At this point, I just generally loathe my body, every little part of it.
Anyways, this morning was quick, easy and relatively painless. I was able to make it to work on time and go about my day. Thankfully I was so busy I couldn't see straight. Being busy helps. Not staring at the clock, holding my breath, waiting for my cell to ring with the results makes time feel like it's moving just a tad faster. I will get my results tomorrow. I want them, but I don't want them. As much as I am trying to NOT hold onto that hope my heart can't help it. I so badly want the medical assistant to call and say "holy moly your betas went way up and are now in the way healthy range" instead of the "your betas went up, slightly." Even though I know she won't have fantastic news, it will still sting when I actually hear it.
The next step in this god awful process is my follow up u/s on Wednesday afternoon. Although, that's only if the tech gets out of jury duty. If he doesn't, then lord knows when I'll have that u/s. I hope sooner rather than later. I need closure. I need to know. It will have been 10 days between u/s's so I'm sure if there was going to be progress, they would see it. Honestly, I have no feelings about the u/s. I want it and don't want it. I want to know, but I don't want to know.
To add insult to injury, my body still hasn't figured out that the baby stopped developing. Though my betas are in that "blighted ovum" range, my boobs are still killing me, I still have cramps, my back still hurts, I still have to pee every 5 minutes and I'm hungry all the time. I have all my original pregnancy symptoms. It's playing horrible tricks on my mind, but mostly my heart. My head says my body will catch on, while my heart screams "it's a sign! Your baby is still there!" At this point, I just generally loathe my body, every little part of it.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I didn't know I loved you so much...
Well, I FINALLY got my 3rd beta results back, a whopping 1592. Only a 16% increase. I think it's safe to say this pregnancy is not viable. :*-(
I wasn't actually able to speak with my doc, but I did speak with the medical assistant for a few. She gave me the low down on what my doc thought. Basically, she thinks it's possibly a blighted ovum, but only a u/s will confirm that. So on Monday I will have my 4th beta draw (not sure why) and then on Wednesday I will have my u/s to confirm the blighted ovum.
I'm relatively neutral at this point. I cry at the most random times over the most random stuff. Like today at work I broke into tears when I couldn't figure out why my numbers were off by just over $100. Then my boss called and mentioned he forgot to tell me about a journal entry he did, cue the tears. Luckily I don't think he caught my completely irrational breakdown. I know it had nothing to do with the situation, it had everything to do with the most important situation that I have absolutely NO control over.
I'm not sure if my doctor will want to do a D&C or if she will push naturally miscarrying, but I would prefer the D&C. I want to go to sleep and wake up knowing it's all over. I would like them to test the tissue to see if the baby had genetic defects. I think it would make me feel better to know there was something horribly wrong to give me peace of mind that my baby never had to suffer. Otherwise, I will just continue to hate my body that much more for failing to keep our baby safe.
I know my family is caught between a rock and a hard place over this. With my sister recently announcing her own pregnancy, it makes my losing this one that much more difficult. I'm happy for her, I genuinely am. I can't wait to be an Aunt! I can't wait to spoil the hell out of that kid, get him/her all whacked out on sugar and send them home. It's just hard watching someone go through a process with such a wonderful experience, when mine ended so horribly. I can't imagine what it's like for my mom & dad. Caught between being over the moon excited about their first grandchild, and horribly upset about the loss of another.
I will say, having become pregnant and sadly now going through a loss, I truly understand a mother's love. It's a love that is so intense and profound that there are very few words to describe it. I would have gone to hell and back to keep this little one safe and healthy. If I had the choice of ripping my eye out with a rusty spoon or losing this baby, I'd demand the spoon. I always wondered why women greived so much when they had a miscarriage. I was under the horrible misunderstanding that you really didn't know the child, they didn't really grow into a child persay, but that's all wrong. I knew this baby existed before a test told me so. I knew when something went wrong and I can honestly say that I have never loved another person as much as I loved Spawn.
I know my heart will heal. It will never be the same, but it will heal. Someday in the future we will try again for a child and hope that Spawn will watch over his/her little sibling and keep them safe. Spawn, I promise you there will not be a day when I won't think of you and miss you with my whole heart. I love you baby, to the moon and back!
I wasn't actually able to speak with my doc, but I did speak with the medical assistant for a few. She gave me the low down on what my doc thought. Basically, she thinks it's possibly a blighted ovum, but only a u/s will confirm that. So on Monday I will have my 4th beta draw (not sure why) and then on Wednesday I will have my u/s to confirm the blighted ovum.
I'm relatively neutral at this point. I cry at the most random times over the most random stuff. Like today at work I broke into tears when I couldn't figure out why my numbers were off by just over $100. Then my boss called and mentioned he forgot to tell me about a journal entry he did, cue the tears. Luckily I don't think he caught my completely irrational breakdown. I know it had nothing to do with the situation, it had everything to do with the most important situation that I have absolutely NO control over.
I'm not sure if my doctor will want to do a D&C or if she will push naturally miscarrying, but I would prefer the D&C. I want to go to sleep and wake up knowing it's all over. I would like them to test the tissue to see if the baby had genetic defects. I think it would make me feel better to know there was something horribly wrong to give me peace of mind that my baby never had to suffer. Otherwise, I will just continue to hate my body that much more for failing to keep our baby safe.
I know my family is caught between a rock and a hard place over this. With my sister recently announcing her own pregnancy, it makes my losing this one that much more difficult. I'm happy for her, I genuinely am. I can't wait to be an Aunt! I can't wait to spoil the hell out of that kid, get him/her all whacked out on sugar and send them home. It's just hard watching someone go through a process with such a wonderful experience, when mine ended so horribly. I can't imagine what it's like for my mom & dad. Caught between being over the moon excited about their first grandchild, and horribly upset about the loss of another.
I will say, having become pregnant and sadly now going through a loss, I truly understand a mother's love. It's a love that is so intense and profound that there are very few words to describe it. I would have gone to hell and back to keep this little one safe and healthy. If I had the choice of ripping my eye out with a rusty spoon or losing this baby, I'd demand the spoon. I always wondered why women greived so much when they had a miscarriage. I was under the horrible misunderstanding that you really didn't know the child, they didn't really grow into a child persay, but that's all wrong. I knew this baby existed before a test told me so. I knew when something went wrong and I can honestly say that I have never loved another person as much as I loved Spawn.
I know my heart will heal. It will never be the same, but it will heal. Someday in the future we will try again for a child and hope that Spawn will watch over his/her little sibling and keep them safe. Spawn, I promise you there will not be a day when I won't think of you and miss you with my whole heart. I love you baby, to the moon and back!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
6w - ????
We are still in a holding pattern.
I called my OB on my way to work yesterday as the ER instructed me to do. I barely made it to my office before her office called me back and said she wanted to see me. So I turned right back around and headed towards my OB's office. I called T and barked some sort of order to grab my paperwork from the ER. I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I'm sure it made no sense and was incredibly stressed.
First things first, I like my new OB a lot. Her office was very nice and very friendly. I felt very comfortable with the women and my OB was very friendly. She didn't rush through everything and I felt like she really took her time to answer my questions and explain everything to me. The hard part is we still have to wait. She ordered to have my HCG checked, a few other things as well, and that we will go from there. She couldn't say for sure that this pregnancy is over, but much like the doctor at the ER, she wasn't hopeful.
After a few frantic calls to her office today I got my beta results. They went from 1011 to 1368. Great? Not by any means, but still going up. I guess the jump isn't too bad considering there was only 24 hours between draws, but the levels should definitely be higher given my gestation. I have to go back again tomorrow to see if the levels still go up, stand still, go down, whatever.
Spawn, if you can hear me, please stick around. I promise you that your mommy & daddy are actually very cool people who love you very much.
I called my OB on my way to work yesterday as the ER instructed me to do. I barely made it to my office before her office called me back and said she wanted to see me. So I turned right back around and headed towards my OB's office. I called T and barked some sort of order to grab my paperwork from the ER. I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I'm sure it made no sense and was incredibly stressed.
First things first, I like my new OB a lot. Her office was very nice and very friendly. I felt very comfortable with the women and my OB was very friendly. She didn't rush through everything and I felt like she really took her time to answer my questions and explain everything to me. The hard part is we still have to wait. She ordered to have my HCG checked, a few other things as well, and that we will go from there. She couldn't say for sure that this pregnancy is over, but much like the doctor at the ER, she wasn't hopeful.
After a few frantic calls to her office today I got my beta results. They went from 1011 to 1368. Great? Not by any means, but still going up. I guess the jump isn't too bad considering there was only 24 hours between draws, but the levels should definitely be higher given my gestation. I have to go back again tomorrow to see if the levels still go up, stand still, go down, whatever.
Spawn, if you can hear me, please stick around. I promise you that your mommy & daddy are actually very cool people who love you very much.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
5w5d - Holding Pattern
Today sucks and I just want it to be over.
Yesterday I started having some back pain. It started off as just a dull ache and started getting worse as time progressed. By this morning, I was done with it. I thought I just had another kidney infection and off to Urgent Care I went. I was the 1st person to arrive so I figured I would be in and out. Of course they give me one of those tiny urine specimen cups and want you to somehow pee into it. I am convinced these were designed by men. If I woman would have done it, the opening would have been MUCH bigger. So I gave them my sample and waited.
A few minutes later the doctor entered and began asking me tons of questions. He listened to my lungs and began pushing around on my back. I practically went through the roof. That's when he dropped the bomb, my urine was completely normal and he was concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy. The oxygen was sucked from the room. He immediately ordered that I go to the ER to get checked out. My blood pressure went through the roof at that point.
There were only a couple people in the waiting room at the ER so I figured it would be, hopefully, quick and easy. I had to get all my vitals checked and as to be expected, my blood pressure was literally through the roof. As soon as I mentioned possible ectopic pregnancy, they immediately took me back. There was no waiting in the waiting room until my number was called. I bypassed the line.
Thankfully (?) everything went really fast at that point. They drew my blood, had me give ANOTHER urine sample in a cup that was surprisingly smaller than the one at urgent care and ordered an ultrasound. My u/s was definitely less than desireable. Because the tech was looking for a possible ectopic pregnancy she had to push in sensitive areas and stretch me in ways I never imagined. Within the hour I got my results. There was good news and then there was bad news.
Good news: No ectopic pregnancy! Fallopian tubes are clear and everything looks normal & healthy.
Bad news: Spawn is measuring 2 weeks behind and my HCG levels are only at 1011. The doctor, being a medical professional who was taught little to no personal interaction skills, began spitting out all these different statistics and numbers. Long story short, he thinks the baby stopped developing right after my positive HPT.
I am in a holding pattern. I will have to call my OB tomorrow and explain the situation to see if she wants to draw more beta's to make sure my numbers are rising or if she wants to do another u/s in a couple days to make sure the baby is developing. Or, she could opt to just have me wait until my first appointment on 3/29. Either way, I have no answers today. All I can do is hope and pray that this baby is okay and just a little lazy like his/her daddy.
Yesterday I started having some back pain. It started off as just a dull ache and started getting worse as time progressed. By this morning, I was done with it. I thought I just had another kidney infection and off to Urgent Care I went. I was the 1st person to arrive so I figured I would be in and out. Of course they give me one of those tiny urine specimen cups and want you to somehow pee into it. I am convinced these were designed by men. If I woman would have done it, the opening would have been MUCH bigger. So I gave them my sample and waited.
A few minutes later the doctor entered and began asking me tons of questions. He listened to my lungs and began pushing around on my back. I practically went through the roof. That's when he dropped the bomb, my urine was completely normal and he was concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy. The oxygen was sucked from the room. He immediately ordered that I go to the ER to get checked out. My blood pressure went through the roof at that point.
There were only a couple people in the waiting room at the ER so I figured it would be, hopefully, quick and easy. I had to get all my vitals checked and as to be expected, my blood pressure was literally through the roof. As soon as I mentioned possible ectopic pregnancy, they immediately took me back. There was no waiting in the waiting room until my number was called. I bypassed the line.
Thankfully (?) everything went really fast at that point. They drew my blood, had me give ANOTHER urine sample in a cup that was surprisingly smaller than the one at urgent care and ordered an ultrasound. My u/s was definitely less than desireable. Because the tech was looking for a possible ectopic pregnancy she had to push in sensitive areas and stretch me in ways I never imagined. Within the hour I got my results. There was good news and then there was bad news.
Good news: No ectopic pregnancy! Fallopian tubes are clear and everything looks normal & healthy.
Bad news: Spawn is measuring 2 weeks behind and my HCG levels are only at 1011. The doctor, being a medical professional who was taught little to no personal interaction skills, began spitting out all these different statistics and numbers. Long story short, he thinks the baby stopped developing right after my positive HPT.
I am in a holding pattern. I will have to call my OB tomorrow and explain the situation to see if she wants to draw more beta's to make sure my numbers are rising or if she wants to do another u/s in a couple days to make sure the baby is developing. Or, she could opt to just have me wait until my first appointment on 3/29. Either way, I have no answers today. All I can do is hope and pray that this baby is okay and just a little lazy like his/her daddy.
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