Up In Flames

**This post is rate R due to strong language. Reading discretion is advised**

To celebrate CD1 I figured I'd come out of my lack of blogging corner and let y'all know just how awesome my first Femara cycle was.

That was sarcasm. This cycle sucked.

I just felt like my body said "Fuck you" over and over and over. Like a broken record.

First up was my baseline u/s on 5/2. We learned that my ovaries were looking nice and fucked up as ever. Despite that Dr. Magneto felt it was okay to proceed with Femara. Sweet.

Second, fuck everyone who says Femara doesn't have side effects. Like seriously. FUCK YOU. It wasn't Clomid bad, but it wasn't exactly the easiest medication to be on. I thought for sure my right ovary had developed like a hundred cysts with how bad my cramping was.

Third, my follow up u/s. It was on 5/16 and was supposed to be the day we triggered. Of course my ovaries weren't quite there yet. Why would they be? That would be helpful. Either way, I was surprised to learn that my right ovary only had 1 follie measuring 18mm (cramps said freaking otherwise) and 1 follie on my left measuring 13mm. They weren't unhappy with the results, just not really happy. It was okay, they decided to push my trigger back a couple of days to allow them a few more days. No biggie right?

Well of course my body would NEVER do what it's supposed to and I got a positive OPK that night. FML.

I called the RE on Friday morning and they said to go ahead and trigger. It was okay, my right had a decent follie. It can work. So we were given our marching orders on when to have sex, start my progesterone, etc.

Trigger shot was a blast. Like honestly. Keeping in line with it being a shitastic cycle I had an awful reaction to the damn thing. My stomach got all red and sore. It hurt to wear clothes. It also made me feel like crap. So I spent the next few days feeling like complete and utter shit, but I told  myself it would be worth it.

I was told not to use OPK's after my trigger, but to keep on temping, that would show my shift right? Well, yeah, no. My temp wasn't rising. We knew I O'd, but it wasn't rising. In fact, it didn't even remotely go up until 5DPO. Mind you, I was already taking Crinone so it should have been up there.

Then shit went downhill about 2 days ago when the cramping started, then spotting and sure enough today my cycle showed. So basically I paid $1,000 to feel like shit and not end up pregnant. Yay me. Surprisingly there weren't tears. I'm at the point where I'm just done. I'm done. Really. Sure, we've only done 1 RE cycle, but the frustration, the disappointment, the stress, all that is not new. In fact, we're years into that. I think this cycle just broke my back. I just felt like my body kept saying over and over "STOP THIS MADNESS." How many signs do I need that my body isn't built to do this? Another loss? More money thrown away? We're THOUSANDS of dollars into this and nothing. All I have to show for it is a terrible attitude, a broken heart and a marriage that is shakey at best.

Well, so much for no tears. Here they are.

I hate what this has done to me. I hate what this has done to us. I hate that I'm still fighting my insurance company about paying for charges related to our most recent loss and subsequent testing. I hate that for so many people it seems like this is so easy and for me it's not. I hate that I will never be able to go back to being the person I was before all this. I hate that there is anyone who has to know this pain. I hate that there are people out there who don't appreciate just how fucking lucky they truly are.

Uterus, I'm throwing in the towel. You win...my heart can't take the disappointment anymore.