2ww: Hey There Crazycakes

I almost don’t want to even post this. I feel like I must hang my head in shame, but in the effort of full disclosure, I want to show that even an educated person can get caught up in the hoopla.

This is not news, but usually the first cycle back into really trying I get crazy. I think somewhere in the back of my ridiculous mind I tell myself that we have a fresh attitude, I’m not as stressed, so maybe this cycle will be different. Then adding in the progesterone cream doesn’t help. Even though I know the odds of it impacting anything, let alone on the first cycle of use, are low in my Pollyanna mind it’s going to be the thing that takes us home.

Not only have I gone back to reference my post detailing the days leading up to my BFP with Spawn, I’ve gone so far as to look at + HPT’s on FF to try to figure out about when I should start testing. I know that I should wait until at least 12DPO. I know this. But in the back of my positive thinking mind I’m saying “well, you could get a BFP at 10DPO.”

I’ve even looked at baby stuff this month. Optimistic much? I’ve started comparing strollers and looking at car seats and deciding where I want to register. In some ways I’m like a chick that’s just started trying and is in the blissful naïve world of thinking this is it.

In the back of my head I’m screaming to myself “this is why you always break down on CD1. You build it up too much.” The other part though is just clinging to that positive thinking. I think in some ways I’m subconsciously trying to cling to that positive attitude because I’ve spent a long time now in the negative. While I know it’s going to make CD1 that much harder and depressing, I want to in a lot of ways allow myself the chance to actually be excited again. To give myself that brief glimpse back to a time when we were la-di-da about this.

The only good part about this is when CD1 shows (which the sane part of me is 99.9% sure is going to be soon) I’ll probably quickly return to my safety net of negativity and pessimism because quite honestly, putting that negativity wall up and not allowing that excited feeling back in is about the only thing that helps me through failed cycle after failed cycle.

For now, I think I’m going to let myself be crazycakes…

1ishDPO

I’m 1ishDPO. Based on my OPK’s, cramping and general knowledge of my body and cycle I’m fairly confident the package was dropped yesterday. I always love how I get cramping AFTER I O. Thank goodness I’m not one of those women who use that as a reference. I’m imagining this 2ww is going to suck. For some reason the first one charting always does. I think it’s that ridiculous little hopeful cheerleader in the back of your head who is somewhat convincing you that you had great timing and this is it. Thankfully as cycles progress on my 2ww patience grows. I will get back to the point where I don’t even test unless I’m like 12-14DPO. I’d rather see AF than a negative. I’ve had my fill of those.

Even though there is that little part of me that is like “we had great timing so I think there’s a chance” I’m telling myself it’s not it. We weren’t successful. At this point I’m just hoping for a longer LP. I’m hoping that the progesterone cream helps, even if only by adding a day. I’d rather get to double digits, but hey, I’ll settle for a day.

If we were by some miracle successful this cycle, we would have a due date on or around 07/25/13. Right smack dab in the middle of the miserable Arizona summer, but I’d be cool with that. If the dirty hoe doesn’t arrive a little too early for my taste, my testing date is 11/13/12.

OPK Game

First cycle back into OPK’s and I can already say that I didn’t miss this. I did power through my frustrations and managed to test in and out of my surge though. Normally I would say that OPK’s alone cannot tell you if you actually O’d. However, now that I have a fairly good grasp on my body’s normal, I’m quite confident that my body has stayed with its normal CD19 as my O date. Now, this wouldn’t bother me if my cycles haven’t been around 26 days the last few cycles. That means my LP has moved down to 6 days.

The incredibly unfortunate thing about the timing of this realization is that it’s today. November 1st. If our little Spawn had been on time, today s/he would be 1. Really bad day to realize my LP has not only stayed short, but gotten shorter. It’s like a dagger to the heart. I feel like the timing of everything this cycle has just been a harsh reminder of what we don’t have.

I, an agnostic who barely believes, put a prayer into the Wailing Wall in the freaking Holy Land itself asking for a healthy baby. I didn’t put a gender. I didn’t ask for specifics. I just asked for a healthy baby. I was answered with AF. A harsh AF that was unlike any I had before. Then I O right around what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday and realize, on our what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday that my LP is the shortest it’s ever been.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll be okay. That I got back into charting because we’re trying more holistic ways of correcting my hormone imbalance. This is just another bump in the road that we’ll get over. That we only have to wait until May to find out if our insurance will pay for IF treatments. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m putting myself through this emotional torture for a reason.

Problem is while my head believes it, my heart certainly doesn’t. Spawn, we love you to the moon and back. I hope you are having a happy 1st birthday among the stars.

Let's Talk Reproduction Shall We?

It’s been a while since I had a good reproduction themed post, so I think I’m due for one.

I mentioned that we are back on the baby making horse. Well, we were on the “let’s just see what happens” horse until I got AF. Then this cycle turned into a “let’s go ahead and you know, give it a real go”. Next AF, the gloves are off and we’re back to the science experiment tracking everything like a crazed lunatic. It’ll be like old times again.

I am going back to charting with the next AF. Not really thrilled about it to be honest. I do find charting to be a double edged sword, but let’s face it; if we want to increase our chances charting is necessary. That means back to using my fun app, taking my temp every morning and using OPK’s. It’s been a while since I used one so hopefully I remember how. I think for good measure I should start again this month. That’s a good idea right?

I’m also going to try a vitamin I read about, Vitex. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone overboard and are thinking that some over the counter herbal supplement will be the end all to this process. I just want to give all possible non-invasive methods a try.

Acupuncture. As someone who hates needles, despite my tattoos, this does not exactly make me want to jump for joy. Especially adding the sour twang that insurance covers zero part of it. Yes, I who hates needles will pay 100% OOP to give acupuncture a try. I’m still doing research on places and prices so that’s probably not going to start for another cycle or 2.

Back to losing weight. We’ve found that my weight really has nothing to do with my current situation, but just for good measure I’m going to try to drop these last 40 lbs. It’ll be good for my health in general to lose the extra tonnage, so I figured I could use the baby thing as the excuse to help me find the damn motivation that seems to have taken an indefinite hiatus. Trying to lose weight to have the chance to gain it seems counterproductive, but it’s what kept me focused last time.

Reading. I have a couple baby making books lined up. Seems kind of stupid to have to read a book to have kids, I mean hells bells how many irresponsible one night stands lead to a pregnancy? I will though, try to give myself the edge by figuring out anything that I can possibly do to help increase our odds.

Trying anything and everything. Yes, I’m busting out the old trusty Pre-Seed. I’m bringing out the wedge pillow. Is sex going to be all about the spur of the moment intimacy and reconnecting with my partner? No. It’s going to be planned and precise and most likely monotonous, but that’s what we have to do. We are not blessed to be one of those couples who don’t have to try to have a baby. We are a couple who has to try to align the stars in the exact formation of a unicorn to conceive so aligning the stars we will do.

When I step back and look at all this, I do realize what it must look like to outsiders looking in. I probably come across as a lady who’s lost her mind and to be quite frank, I have. A lot of parents would openly admit they would move heaven on earth for their child; I’m doing the same…just before they get here. Talk about overachieving on the parenting scale. My current goal is by the 2 year heartbreakversary of our losing Spawn I want to be pregnant with Spawn’s little brother/sister.

Uterus & ovaries, you better get your shit together.

Home...

The trip is officially over and we are safe and sound back in the states. While we had an amazing time and I'm so grateful to have had the chance to see everything, I'm very glad to be back home.

Unfortunately, we did not get a "Surprise" Europe baby. In fact, I'm quite sure a higher power is slapping me in the face. While at Jerusalem we had the opportunity to go to the Wailing Wall. There you can write a prayer request or a request in general on a piece of paper to put on the wall. I don't think I need to say what it was that I wished for, but alas it was pointless. When I got back to the ship that night, I found out that AF arrived nearly 6 days early. Crazy huh? I ask "God" for a healthy baby and I get my period instead. Coincidence?

Either way we're still on the TTCAL horse. If we are unsuccessful this month with just throwing things up in the air, I'm going back to full on charting with the next AF. I'm sure it will be pointless and we'll end up having to go to the RE, but maybe. You never know.

U/S Results & A Decision...

Last Wednesday was my u/s. Of course as luck would have it AF arrived the night before. Thankfully it wasn't too bad so I decided to go ahead with the u/s (I called ahead and they said a-okay to do it). The u/s itself wasn't fun. Lets be honest, when is it ever? The tech was very nice and pointing things out to me and you know made sure to really push on that full bladder. The u/s itself only took about 30 minutes and then I was out.

Waiting for the results has been murder. I thought I saw something on my u/s, but I'm not the specialist and not 100% sure what I'm looking at so waiting has sucked. This morning the office finally called me with my results. Mostly unremarkable, but a small uterine fibroid is present. I was told it's nothing to be too worried about and my subsequent research pretty much said the same.

The results did spark a conversation between T and I. We're going to try for a baby. I'm not going back to charting right away, but we're giving it a whirl. Fingers crossed!

Do Not Pass Go...

I had my appointment with Dr. Awesome. The appointment itself, not so awesome. I brought up maybe trying another medication with Dr. Awesome and though he had a very articulate and responsible response, I didn’t like it. His answer was no. He admitted he doesn’t have the resources necessary to properly administer the medication and he is reluctant to do it without knowing what all our problems are. We know I have an issue with progesterone, that’s a given, he is just not sure what else are the obstacles. He also said he doesn’t have the ability to do all the specific more in depth testing that we should have done. He understands our plight, RE’s are expensive, but he’s not willing to put me at risk to try to save us a couple bucks. I didn’t like it, but his response just proved how awesome he really is.

And of course since I have the worst reproductive luck, I’ve also developed another issue (not infertility related, at least I don’t think yet) and now I have to have an u/s done to make sure I don’t have any polyps in my uterus. Dr. Awesome doesn’t think I have any, he said I’m young and healthy, but wants to make sure he rules out as many possibilities as he can. We’re also awaiting my pap results to find out if my cervical dysplasia is back. He said my current issue might be an indicator that it’s back, but it could also be completely unrelated.

I have to admit the timing on all this sucks. We’re in the final stretch before our trip and now instead of being all excited and happy, I’m anxious and depressed. I might not get my pap results back until the 13th and my u/s is scheduled for the 19th. Both those results will greatly impact how we proceed with starting a family. I am just bracing myself for more bad news really. I’m wondering if I should up the drinking budget for this trip…