Body, I want a divorce....

**This post is rated PG-13 due to strong language, viewer discretion is advised**

Remember when I said a few posts back that I was trying to give up swearing? Fuck that! I'm so pissed right now that there is no way I can "eff" my way through this one.

Body, WTF is that?! Seriously?!?! A 7 day LP?! No really, are you fucking kidding me?! I wasn't greedy. I didn't ask for 12 or 14 days, I asked for 11. For ONE more day to be added this cycle and you took away THREE?! 7 days, fuck, why not just make my ass anovulatory again and just call it golden. At least that way I don't have yet another thing to worry about.

I said last cycle that I was going to call my doctor because I was concerned about my LP, but then I thought it was the first cycle after our loss so I should give my body another chance. I was hopeful that getting pregnant had jumped started my ovaries and that I would start ovulating on my own and when I did again this cycle I was so ecstatic! Then this......My reproductive life has been reduced to acronyms so what's another one right?! This puts me up to 3 acronyms now!

1. PCOS
2. DUB
3. LPD

If you are opening a second window browser right now to google what those stand for, then consider yourself seriously lucky because those freaking acronyms right there cause me some serious frustration and massive heartache! I am just over this whole thing, seriously. Having a baby shouldn't be this hard! Why is it thousands of irresponsible crack heads get pregnant and give birth everyday and yet my body just cannot do it?! I'm ready! WE'RE ready! We did everything "right." We got married, bought a home, got secure in our jobs, saved money, paid off debts, but here we are....

I wanted to wait 1 more cycle because I wanted to, not because my body has just yet another thing it can't get right.  Thank god I wanted to wait another cycle because if I was ready to go and excited about TTC again this would have literally killed me. I have been busting my ass working out and eating way better to lose weight to help with issue number 1 and I was excited because I was doing so well. I'm over 20 pounds down now and I wanted to add a few more this month. Now I just want to throw my scale out the window and say "Fuck it" because sure, while I did ovulate, there is NO guarantee that the egg was mature enough and what is the point in ovulating if that egg isn't ready and healthy enough to support life?!

Alright, rant over. I'm not going to allow this to consume me. I'm not going to put on depressing music and cry because that's not how I want to be. I'm going to allow myself to have an "off" day tomorrow and eat whatever I want and not totally scrutinize it. Then Monday I'm going to continue my diet and working out and I AM going to call my doctor and let her know it's time to get serious and figure out WTF my body is really doing. Body, it's on.....like Donkey Kong!

CD1's a coming!

Well, there you have it. I DID in fact O on CD21!! Now I start the stressin' about my LP! Like I said before, I'm not greedy it doesn't need to be anything very spectacular, just 11 days. That's all I want, 11 days. Don't get me wrong, if I go like 12-16 days I will be ELATED, but I'm trying to remain realistic. Now that my O is confirmed, the big question will need to be answered.....Will we start trying again on CD1? The answer is.....no. I thought for sure I would be ready, but now that the time is approaching in the next week or so, I'm just not there yet.

Surprisingly enough my desire to wait doesn't really have much to do with my emotions. It has more to do with feeling like there are a couple things I want/need to do before we try again. I want to keep working out and eating healthy and lose a few more pounds. I am not aiming for model skinny, lets face it my body shape will never allow that. I am just aiming to give my body a bit of an edge (and to fit into my pants.) We are also this close to having another credit card paid off. Every penny helps right? I also want to make it through my sister's shower. I know that sounds silly, but my mom and I have A LOT left to do and I don't want to be stressing about timing and such during the final weeks.

I'm fairly confident that cycle #4 is going to be our "Go" cycle, but we'll just have to wait to see when CD1 of cycle 4 hits. If we feel we are ready, great. If we feel we need to wait another cycle, well then we wait another cycle.

3 Months...

3 months ago today my heart broke in a way I never imagined possible. I woke up to intense pain and only a few hours later it was confirmed that my baby was gone, forever. There was no chance s/he was hiding or that s/he was moving around. My entire uterus was empty. As was my chest, because with the news that my baby was gone, my heart too went to heaven. 3 months ago today, everything about my life and myself completely changed.

Looking back on the past 3 months I am amazed how far I have come. I have gone from having serious emotional breakdowns at even the mention of baby items, to planning a baby shower and being actually excited about it. I am proud of myself. If you would have told me 3 months ago that I would be laughing again, I would tell you that you were nuts. If you would have told me that I would be able to help my sister register and not want to run into traffic, I would have told you that you were crazy.

As life has a crazy way of doing, it moves on as do you. During the horrible first few hours, days, weeks and sometimes months post loss, you feel like you are in this eternal pit of darkness and sadness. Everything about life seems to be duller and have absolutely no life in it. Then slowly the color comes back. The sky that had turned an ugly matte blue goes back to being a vibrant lively blue. You find yourself leaving your house and not worrying every second if you are going to run into a pregnant woman, or an infant.

The most incredible thing to me is that someone so small, who left so soon had the greatest impact on my life. I am no where near the person I was pre-loss and I’m grateful for that. Spawn taught me to be braver. To live life a little more fully. To laugh a little bit harder. To forgive a little more often. To hug just a little bit tighter. To smile just a little bit wider. And most importantly, to tell those that you love that you do love them, a little more often.

I’m human and I do cry every now and then. There is this part of me that hurts and I know that it will always hurt. There are times where I get angry because I will never know why this happened. But I take it in stride. That’s all we really can do.

O, Is That You?!

For the love of all that is holy, please do NOT let my body be playing tricks! Houston, I think we might have ovulation! On CD21 too! Sure, not exactly super awesome, but sure as hell beats last month's O on CD27! Since I didn't use OPK's this month I have to wait for at least 2 more days to get my crosshairs to know that I did indeed O, but I'm hopeful this is it.  Now starts the obsessing over how long my LP is going to be this month. I'm not greedy. It doesn't need to be super long, just PLEASE at least add 1 day. At least move to 11. Not fantastic, but that 1 extra day will really help my sanity!

If this is indeed ovulation then that means this is it. In the matter of days (or 2 weeks which would ROCK my world) T and I will have my doctor's blessing to proceed with trying again. A prospect that absolutely scares the ever loving bejeezus out of me. Trying pre-Spawn was more frustrating than anything. The frustration of having a nice chart and awesome timing, but AF arrives. The frustration of everyone else becoming pregnant with little to no effort. The frustration of how sex is no longer about passion, but more about trying to procreate. Now it's just crippling fear. Fear that we will become pregnant again and that we will lose another baby. I know I have to think positive, but it truly is so incredibly hard. When you finally get something you've wanted for so long, only to have it ripped violently away from you so quickly, it really changes how you look at things.

So, now we wait. Wait to see if I did indeed O. Wait to see how long my LP is. Wait to see if when CD1 comes we are ready. It's funny, right after we lost Spawn I couldn't wait to get to this point. The point of being able to try again. Now that we're standing just outside that doorway, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through.

Halfway...

Tuesday would have marked my 20th week of pregnancy. It would have marked the halfway point and we would most likely have known if we were expecting a little boy or a little girl. We would probably be freaking out thinking "holy hell, we're halfway there."

We're not though. I'm halfway (??) through my 2nd post loss cycle and we are discussing when we should start trying again. I'm not sure where I'm at emotionally at this point. So many days I am back to myself. I'm laughing and joking and being horribly sarcastic. Then randomly I will have one of those days that brings me to my knees and reminds me exactly how much my loss really hurts. On a random day I will find myself touching my stomach and I have to remind myself, there is no baby in there. My uterus is, as it has been for far too long, empty.

Coincidently enough, T and I had the "talk." The "when do you want to start trying, if again, to have a baby." We both pretty much are in the same place, hell if I know. For now I am content to just focus on getting healthier and paying off some debts, maybe even focus on some home imporvements more. I know that when the time is right, we will know and there will be no questioning that it's time. That time, is just not right now and I'm okay with that.

Spawn, I love you my sweet baby, to the moon and back!

Grief, You Sneaky SOB

Most days I'm chugging along trying to look forward instead of looking back.

Then randomly, out of the blue, grief will show it's ugly face and I'm not looking forward. Instead I'm standing still wishing so badly I could go back. Today is one of those days. I don't know exactly where or when I stopped moving forward, but I did. On the way home I rehashed my entire day trying to figure out why I am so angry/bitter/sad/frustrated and it hit me, Tuesday's were the days that I graduated from one week to the next. Today, I should be 18 weeks pregnant.

I try my hardest to not do this to myself. To not do the whole "I should be" or "What if" game because it hurts and really no good comes of it. All it does is further open that wound, but I have days where no matter how bad I know it is, I still do it. Instead of getting all psyched up to have our 20 week u/s, I'm back to trying to decipher a positive OPK from a negative OPK. I should be feeling flutters and questioning if it's the baby or gas and always ruling it as the baby, instead I'm taking 4 IB Profin because my menstrual cramps are making it damn near impossible to even sit straight up.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to never have been pregnant at all. Would getting my cycle hurt less? Would I be less agitated taking my temp every morning? Would I laugh more consistently? Would I be more excited about the wonderfully happy events that are taking place?

But if I never got pregnant that means Spawn would have never existed and s/he very much so did. I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm not mourning the idea of a baby, I'm mourning my baby. Every month when I got my cycle I would become sad and depressed because it was another month that meant I wasn't going to be a mommy. Now, it's a reminder that I am a mommy, but to a child that I never got to hold, or kiss, or snuggle.

Grief, I absolutely loathe you. I hate that you sneak up on me at the most random of times. Please do me a huge favor and give me some warning next time. Maybe a little twitch at the sight of a baby, or something just so I know you are going to unleash your unholy fury on me. And to my sweet baby, I love you to the moon and back!

CD1

Another day, another cycle. Today officially starts CD1 of TTA Cycle #2, which is the last cycle in our doctor ordered TTC break. It's bittersweet. On one hand, I'm stoked because well, it's the first day of the last cycle we HAVE to avoid. On the other, I'm so frustrated and sad because that means TTA Cycle #1 had a 10 day luteal phase. Eff. (Side note, I'm attempting to give up swearing so when we DO have kids they don't talk like a trucker...like their mom).

I knew as soon as I saw my temp this morning that AF was coming and my LP was only 10 days, which makes me want to scream. For those of you who are not familiar with all this mumbo jumbo, the "average" LP lasts between 10-16 days, but most doctors (mine included) considers anything under 12 to be a "luteal phase defect." What does that mean? It means my body isn't producing enough of the right hormones to sustain pregnancy. AWESOME. It is possible for women who have 10 day LP's to have healthy pregnancies, it's just the odds are not good.

So where do we go from here? Well.....I don't know actually. I'm thinking about putting a call into my OB to just heads up her that my LP was only 10 days and see what she wants to do. I'm hoping that she'll want to draw blood after I ovulate next time to see where all my levels are at. If she can find the issue, then we can at least treat the issue. I can also try vitamin B-6 which has been shown to help lengthen a LP, BUT if the LPD is caused by eggs not maturing correctly then we'll have to go another route (Clomid). She might want to wait one more cycle just to see what happens before she runs tests, but I will tell you that if my LP stays at 10 days, I am NOT going to TTC until we figure out what wrong.