TTA Until 01/01/2015

The title pretty much speaks for itself. After weighing all the pro’s & con’s and discussing until the cows came home, we have made the decision to put off having a child. This is something we feel is best for us and for our future child.

The biggest driving factor behind this decision is the fact that we’ve wasted our 20’s. Since getting engaged, all major decisions have been made around a life we don’t even have. The size of house we bought, to accommodate a family. The type of cars we bought, to accommodate a family. Not taking big trips “just in case” and not doing anything big to the house because “you never know.” Then of course you have all the fighting that was going on.

The past year has been hell on T and I. Point blank. There have been many tears, threats of divorce and arguing until we weren’t on speaking terms. Infertility can test even the strongest of relationships. Emotions run VERY high and the pressure is at maximum so it’s no wonder that our marriage was rocky, at best. We just realized over the past few months of planning this big trip how great things have gotten for us. We rarely fight and even then it’s just a little bicker. We haven’t had a knock down argument in months. We are happy and laughing and enjoying our time together. That’s when it hit me, trying to have a family is exactly what was tearing mine apart.

I know some people will think T pressured me into this, but that is not at all what happened. He was completely on board for going to the RE at the beginning of next year and doing what we needed to do. It was me who said “I think we need the brakes.” Of course he agreed that it’s been very taxing on our relationship, to say the least, and we’re pretty maxed out. We had a nice discussion about it and got on the same page that right now our relationship isn’t where it needs to be to successfully have a family. Right now I’m not where I need to be to me a good mother.

We “celebrated” our decision by buying the LED 3D TV I’ve been lusting after and sharing ideas of things we want to do to the house. We’ve also mapped out 2 more vacations. As of today it’s looking like Australia in November, 2013 and the British Isles in October, 2014. Right now is the time for us to take risks and take chances, maybe scratch some stuff off the bucket list. When I have a child, I want to be able to say without any doubt in my mind that I did everything I set out to do before having a family. Right now, I’m not even close.

We also are 85% sure we are team one and done. Of course we might change our minds once we have a child, but we’re both pretty sure we’ll only have one. I would rather give one kid an amazing childhood full of every opportunity and amazing travels around the world. I want my child to not have to worry about paying for college or not being able to do a sport or not get to see this big beautiful world we live in. We only live once, live it up right?

Operation De-Whale: Week 7

Weekly Lost: +2.2 (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -2 pounds/-2 pounds)
Total Lost: -5 pounds (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -12.2 pounds/-15 pounds)
Days Worked Out: 0/5

This morning when I stepped on the scale, I didn’t even have to look at the scale to know that I was going to have gone up. I was awful last week and especially this past weekend so I fully expected the gain. I’m not going to lie; I was lazy and had zero interest in working out or eating right. I’m seriously lacking the motivation. I had hoped that since the trip is coming up it would be enough to kick my butt in gear, but nope. It’s just so much easier to come home and watch tv while eating pizza than to work out and eat right.

I’m going to try another tactic. I’m going to print out motivational sayings (or downright harsh to be a slap in the face) to try to get myself in the mindset that eating that way isn’t what I want. Even though this check-in sucks because I have to admit that I gained weight and am NO WHERE near where I should be, I am glad I’m doing it. It’s really forcing me to see that I’m caught in a rut and I need to get out of it!

Birchbox: May

I'm a makeup junkie. I have a serious addiction to makeup, it's not even funny. So when I heard of a monthly samples delivery program, I knew I had to get in on the action. Hence my signing up for Birchbox. I signed up a couple weeks ago and today my first box arrived! Yay!

I give you May's Birchbox!

I'll be honest, not a fan of Gossip Girl. I don't get the whole concept or why this Blair chick is popular, but eh, whatever.

Now the good stuff, my samples! I immediately recognized the Stila eyeliner box so I got stoked. I used to have a love/hate relationship with liquid liner, but over the years I've mastered the art. Now, I'm obsessed with liquid liner.

My whole package consisted of:

Dr. Jart+ Water Fuse Beauty Balm SPF 25+
Kérastase Cristalliste Bain Cristal - Fine
Kérastase Lait Cristal Conditioner
Kérastase Cristalliste Lumiere Liquide
Color Club Foil Collection
stila sparkle waterproof liquid eye liner
Birchbox Notecards

I LOVE the eye liner (Curacao) and the nailpolish (Disco Nap). The hair stuff I'm not so excited about, but I'm sure I'll eventually give it a whirl. Even though I'm not 100% into this month's box the full size stila eye liner for only $10 (the subscription price) made it worth it! I think I'm hooked.

Operation De-Whale: Week 6

Weekly Lost: -1.4 pounds (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -2 pounds/-2 pounds)
Total Lost: -7.2 pounds (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -10.2 pounds/-13 pounds)
Days Worked Out: 1/5

Well, not by any means impressive, but I’m pleased that at least the scale is still going down. The number of times I worked out is also lacking luster, but I hope that this week I’ll be able to handle at least 2-3 sessions.

That reminds me, I never reported on my new DVD’s. I did “Element: Ballet Conditioning” last week and it literally took me 3 days to recover. The DVD itself isn’t too hard, if you have prior dance experience. It’s not so much the skill level as it is about the verbiage. The instructor uses ballet terms so if you’ve never danced, you’d probably spend a good chunk of time trying to figure out what she’s talking about. That’s not to say someone who hasn’t danced couldn’t do this, it would just be a little more difficult.

The length of the session is just under an hour and while that might sound like a long time, it absolutely flies by. The instructor is very soft spoken and they play soft music in the background so it’s very soothing and relaxing. The hour whizzed by in my opinion.

As for the intensity, I thought it was weak..at first. Sure my arms got slightly sore from holding them up so much and my thighs burned a little bit. I actually said to myself “Awesome, this won’t help me lose weight at all.” I mean, I barely broke a sweat. Then came morning and the feeling like my body had been hit and run over by a bus. EVERYTHING hurt. My legs were so incredibly sore. It hurt to sit down. It hurt to walk. It hurt to take the stairs. No matter what I did, it hurt. I completely forgot how many muscles you actually use.

Overall, I’m very pleased with this specific DVD. It’s relaxing, but very challenging and works quite a few muscles you never knew existed. It’s also good for people whose problem area is their legs/thighs. Your arms will get toned, simply from holding them up, but it does focus a lot on your legs. This is great for me because my thighs are something that I would like to tone up like yesterday. I’m going to stick with this DVD until it loses my interest and then try the next one. Figured the 3 should keep me intrigued for a while.

Operation De-Whale: Week 5

Weekly Lost: -2.6 pounds (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -2 pounds/-2 pounds)
Total Lost: -5.8 pounds (Realistic/I Wish Goal: -8.2 pounds/-11 pounds)
Days Worked Out: 0/5

The good news is I lost weight and did really good with my eating (with the exception of suck the oxygen from my lungs Thursday.) The bad news is I didn’t work out at all and I’m nowhere near where I should be. That’s okay though, I’m not going to beat myself up over it because this morning I came to the shocking realization that we are now under 5 months for our trip and I only have 21 weeks to try to hit my goal. By my calculations, to hit my “Realistic” goal by our trip, I’d have to lose just under 2 pounds a week. To hit my “I wish, but never going to happen goal,” I’d have to lose 2.5 pounds a week. While I did manage to lose 2.6 and that’s in line with the “I wish” goal, there is no way it’ll keep up at that pace. The more you lose, the slower it goes.

So hopefully being at less than 5 months until the trip, I will be able to keep focused. Not to mention I have my new cool DVD’s I’m going to try. I’m not doing it tonight because T and I are going to see the Avengers as we couldn’t see it yesterday, but tomorrow it’s back on the work out horse. I’m also going to try to get T to focus on clearing out the Den to make that my exercise/piano room. Would be nice to have a set place to do my work out and not worry about my dogs/cat or T getting in the way!

Going Back To Dance

Okay, not really, well, sort of.

It’s no secret that I’m having the hardest time sticking with this new work out regimen. I’m bored, that’s my problem. Exercise should be fun and relaxing. Not monotonous and boring. Right now, it’s monotonous and boring.

I’ll admit, the 30 Day Shred DVD is awesome. Totally kicked my ass the first go around and really helped me build up my stamina for working out. I would recommend this DVD to anyone. Now though, it’s just not challenging at all. I find myself completely zoning out while doing it and after I’m done feeling like I didn’t work out at all. Then the treadmill. Sure, it’s great cardio, but I’m in a junk filled room (totally need to clean it out) and walking towards what? My wall? Yeah, boring.

In an effort to try to get back on the work out horse (and actually stay on it) I went to Amazon.com to research some new work out DVD’s. I’ve heard a lot about Zumba so I checked them out and as I was going through the workout DVD’s I came across these three DVD’s.


Xtend Barre: Lean & Chiseled
Element: Ballet Conditioning
Ballet Body

Immediately I was intrigued. I used to dance a lot when I was younger and LOVED it. It was awesome exercise, but was so much fun you didn’t really think of it as exercise. I still love to dance and could do it for hours now. Ballet is definitely NOT for sissies. I know everyone makes fun of it, but the muscle control you have to have in order to do ballet is intense! There is a reason those ladies have long lean muscles. It’s because in ballet, you use muscles that you don’t use in everyday activities. Looking at these DVD’s inspired me to look back at some old pictures of me in high school, when dance was part of my daily routine. All I had to do was see my old legs, sold.

Don’t get me wrong, even while dancing I wasn’t super thin by any means at a size 10, but I was happy then. I looked good, my muscles were firm and I felt amazing. Not just because I liked my shape, but because I was relaxed. Ballet is very relaxing to me. While yes, it is totally making your legs feel like jelly, the slow controlled movements help me focus and I end up forgetting about all the nagging crap that was bothering me. And not to be completely gross, but getting the flexibility back would be nice.

So I ordered the DVD’s and the first 2 arrived tonight. I didn’t do them yet, but I can honestly say I’m so excited! Depending on how well I stick to this, I might even consider getting a barre for my den. Even if the DVD’s don’t help me lose a lot of weight, just the stress relief alone will make them worth it.

RE Bound

I finally got around to calling Dr. Awesome’s office this morning to find out the game plan. HSG came back normal, SA came back normal, so I kind of wanted to find out where we go from here. Figured I would be told to come in and speak with Dr. Awesome. Go over the results in depth and talk about which med we’ll try next after our trip. You’d think at this point I would stop trying to guess how things would go, but apparently I never learn.

His nurse called me back and proceeded to shatter my world. Dr. Awesome is bowing out as our treating physician and his medical recommendation is to move to an RE. I quite literally said “huh?” I thought the RE came after another failed 3 cycles on a different med. Not after our HSG and SA come back normal! I guess the fact that they came back normal is what has him perplexed. There is something going on and he’s just not able to figure it out. So instead of wasting more of our time, he’s pushing us towards a doctor who will know what to look for and how to treat it.

The water works started almost immediately as I was writing down the RE’s information, which of course is awesome since I was sitting at my desk at work! His nurse was kind and said as soon as we make our appointment with the RE to call Dr. Awesome’s office and they’ll send all the records over. She politely wished us good luck and that was it. I then proceeded to haul some serious ass to the ladies room holding onto what little control I had left. I got inside the stall and a full on ugly cry ensued.

We knew this was a strong possibility. We knew there was a chance we could have to go to an RE. This isn’t news to us, but it still hurt like almighty hell to hear it. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to get pregnant on our first cycle of Clomid, like so many other ladies, and be excited that all it took was a measly little pill to fix things.

The plan now is to wait until after we get our 2012 tax return for our consultation with the RE. We’ll see what he has to say and make our decisions once we have a better idea of what we are looking at. Funny how things went from “Woo hoo we’re having a 2011 baby!” to “If we’re lucky we’ll have a 2014 baby.” I’ll be honest; I’m losing hope…fast.