Uh...Hi?

Long time no post, eh?

I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.

Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.

Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.

I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.

Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....

Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.

I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.

I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.

Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.

2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.

Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.

That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.

T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.

Why?

Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.

Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.

If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.

Starts With Goodbye

"Sad, but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye."

- Starts With Goodbye (Carrie Underwood)

This post has been a long time coming. However, it's still a little sad to actually write. For over 2 years this blog has been such a huge release for me. A place to express my fears, my joys and every other emotion that has popped up in there. It's got evidence of some of the happiest days of my life and sadly evidence of the saddest days of my life.

Our lives have taken such a dramatic turn that I have found this blog holding me back more than helping me move forward. I know I can't run away from the events that have lead up to this, but I feel like it's time for us to start anew. It's time for us to face, accept and embrace our reality. That reality would be, Childfree, not by choice.

We have another blog that we're working on. I haven't finished getting all the posts up yet, but they are definitely in the works. It'll be a blog focused around our actual lives, our home and this new reality of ours. I don't plan on posting that link here because I don't want the blogs connected. Though our past absolutely affects our present and future, it's time that we let this go. We cannot allow this part of our life to be what defines us.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, to comment and to allow me the chance to open up and be myself and let my feelings (sometimes very dark) out there. I wish everyone the very best and don't worry, we'll be okay.

Much Love Always.

Up In Flames

**This post is rate R due to strong language. Reading discretion is advised**

To celebrate CD1 I figured I'd come out of my lack of blogging corner and let y'all know just how awesome my first Femara cycle was.

That was sarcasm. This cycle sucked.

I just felt like my body said "Fuck you" over and over and over. Like a broken record.

First up was my baseline u/s on 5/2. We learned that my ovaries were looking nice and fucked up as ever. Despite that Dr. Magneto felt it was okay to proceed with Femara. Sweet.

Second, fuck everyone who says Femara doesn't have side effects. Like seriously. FUCK YOU. It wasn't Clomid bad, but it wasn't exactly the easiest medication to be on. I thought for sure my right ovary had developed like a hundred cysts with how bad my cramping was.

Third, my follow up u/s. It was on 5/16 and was supposed to be the day we triggered. Of course my ovaries weren't quite there yet. Why would they be? That would be helpful. Either way, I was surprised to learn that my right ovary only had 1 follie measuring 18mm (cramps said freaking otherwise) and 1 follie on my left measuring 13mm. They weren't unhappy with the results, just not really happy. It was okay, they decided to push my trigger back a couple of days to allow them a few more days. No biggie right?

Well of course my body would NEVER do what it's supposed to and I got a positive OPK that night. FML.

I called the RE on Friday morning and they said to go ahead and trigger. It was okay, my right had a decent follie. It can work. So we were given our marching orders on when to have sex, start my progesterone, etc.

Trigger shot was a blast. Like honestly. Keeping in line with it being a shitastic cycle I had an awful reaction to the damn thing. My stomach got all red and sore. It hurt to wear clothes. It also made me feel like crap. So I spent the next few days feeling like complete and utter shit, but I told  myself it would be worth it.

I was told not to use OPK's after my trigger, but to keep on temping, that would show my shift right? Well, yeah, no. My temp wasn't rising. We knew I O'd, but it wasn't rising. In fact, it didn't even remotely go up until 5DPO. Mind you, I was already taking Crinone so it should have been up there.

Then shit went downhill about 2 days ago when the cramping started, then spotting and sure enough today my cycle showed. So basically I paid $1,000 to feel like shit and not end up pregnant. Yay me. Surprisingly there weren't tears. I'm at the point where I'm just done. I'm done. Really. Sure, we've only done 1 RE cycle, but the frustration, the disappointment, the stress, all that is not new. In fact, we're years into that. I think this cycle just broke my back. I just felt like my body kept saying over and over "STOP THIS MADNESS." How many signs do I need that my body isn't built to do this? Another loss? More money thrown away? We're THOUSANDS of dollars into this and nothing. All I have to show for it is a terrible attitude, a broken heart and a marriage that is shakey at best.

Well, so much for no tears. Here they are.

I hate what this has done to me. I hate what this has done to us. I hate that I'm still fighting my insurance company about paying for charges related to our most recent loss and subsequent testing. I hate that for so many people it seems like this is so easy and for me it's not. I hate that I will never be able to go back to being the person I was before all this. I hate that there is anyone who has to know this pain. I hate that there are people out there who don't appreciate just how fucking lucky they truly are.

Uterus, I'm throwing in the towel. You win...my heart can't take the disappointment anymore.

Femara Cycle 1

We are officially going green for our first Femara cycle. The game plan is:

Femara + Trigger + TI + Crinone

I had my baseline u/s on Monday with Dr. Magneto and he was happy with the results so he cleared us to go. I started the Femara last night and will take it through Friday. I will start my OPK's on Monday and unless I get a + OPK before then, I will have my follow up u/s on Thursday the 16th (CD14). Depending on how my ovaries look and how big my follie(s) are, we will trigger on our around then.

It's mixed emotions during this cycle. One, frustration because it shouldn't have to be a science experiment. I really shouldn't. Two, happy because we are finally at a point where we have a good chance. Three, nervousness because lets face it, it's scary. Four, fearful. Getting pregnant again just to lose another pregnancy would devastate me. I'm trying to stay positive, but we know there is still that chance.

Ovaries, you bitches better play nice cause mama just shelled out a fat amount of cash. Let's get 'er done shall we?

What Does "RE" Mean?

Reproductive Endocrinologist Really Expensive

Today was the meeting with the finance department at our RE's office. As much as I like this office, I mean their staff is wicked nice and Dr. Magneto is about 1 award away from epic, the reality is you get what you pay for. I've quickly realized they are not the Wal Mart of RE's. Oh no, they are the Jimmy Choo's. And here I thought it would be a waste to spend that kind of money on shoes. How quickly my mind is changing.

Anyway, I sat down with Brittany this morning to get down to brass tacks. Exactly how much are these medicated cycles going to cost?

First let's start with my baseline u/s that I have to have. That comes in at $365. That's literally just to make sure my ovaries are cyst free and to make sure my problem child right ovary is normal.

Then we get into the nitty gritty. Since we're doing ovulation induction and timed intercourse our costs aren't as steep as they could be. I'm sure there are going to people who read this post and go "oh Whaaa, poor baby." Yes, we're aware that we're on the fertile end of infertility which means we're on the cheaper end of this, but it still doesn't take away from the reality that this is going to suck.

One medicated cycle (ie: one month) will cost us roughly $500 - $750, depending on the number of u/s's that I need to have. In fact, it could even be up to $1,000 should my right ovary just suck massively and become cystopia. Dr. Magneto has ordered 6-9 cycles of this regime.

Now it could all change should my ovaries not respond to the Femara (warning to my ovaries, you bitches had better get your shit together!) and we have to change to a different med. It could also change should he decide to switch over to IUI which would roughly add on another $750 - $1000 per cycle.

So the real question is has the sticker price changed our minds? Not really. Unfortunately it does put a slight delay in things. Due to the price, we are going to have to wait one cycle to start this and will most likely have to alternate every other cycle. This next cycle will be with Crinone only. Then the next will be monitored/medicated cycle. Then Crinone, then medicated. You get the jist. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We're paying for IF treatments outright and we have to do what our budget allows.

My Uterus: Vacancy

We had our meeting with the RE yesterday, we’ll call him Dr. Magneto. Yes, I know that he was the villain in X-Men, but his real last name starts with an M so it’s fitting.

Anyway, Dr. Magneto has a plan. A good one at that.

Femara + Crinone + TI

He’s confident that my P4 deficiency is ultimately what is stopping my pregnancies. I mentioned to him that during the last pregnancy we did supplement with Crinone (after we found out it was failing), but he said that with patients who have a deficiency they really need to supplement it before a pregnancy occurs not after. He used the metaphor of a seed. You have better luck with fertilizer when you fertilize the ground prior to planting your seeds, not after. That way the nutrients are there when the seed starts to grow. So that’s what he’s hoping to do. To get my P4 to where it should be before an embryo tries to set up shop.

Since we were given the all clear from Doc back on the 18th (before I O’d) we did try this cycle so Dr. Magneto prescribed Crinone for this cycle as well, starting at 6DPO. Normally I’ll start at 2DPO, but he said it’s better than nothing. I was surprised though because he said I only need to take the Crinone every other day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about this. I absolutely hated taking it twice a day back during my pregnancy with Offspring, but I thought I took it because I had to. He said no, you don’t need it twice a day, especially since it’s delivered pretty much at the needed location (try not to visualize that!). We might have to adjust that should a pregnancy occur and it shows my P4 is still struggling, but for now once a day every other day.

If we are unsuccessful this first go, which I totally imagine we are considering we only got one attempt in, the game plan is to call his nurses line on CD1. They will set up my baseline u/s to make sure my ovaries (specifically my trouble making right one) don’t have any current cysts and then I’ll start the Femara. Followed by my psycho use of OPK’s to make sure I don’t miss my surge (thank goodness for my recent bulk purchase of 100 OPK’s!) and then it’s show time. At 2DPO I will start the Crinone in the AM’s on every other day. I am to take Crinone until 14DPO and if a pregnancy is not confirmed I will stop the supplement and allow my body to start CD1 of the next cycle.

We’re excited and a little nervous. It’s always nerve wracking to go on meds, especially when your biggest fear is you’ll end up as the Octomom. I know that Femara has a very low percentage of even twins, but I still fear that we’ll be one of “those” people. I’m also nervous about the actual side effects of the meds. Clomid turned me into a psycho one woman show who made Mommy Dearest look sane. He assured me that Femara most likely will not have the same effects, but you never know.

So that’s the dealio. We’re finally getting expert advice from the expert and it feels good. Maybe we’ll be blessed yet.

What's New?

Once upon a time I used to love blogging.

Currently I don't feel that way. Thankfully my awesome friend Jenn reminded me that it's okay that I'm depressing and down. I'm allowed to be. We just had our 2 year angelversary of our beloved Spawn and we're 3 months past our loss of Offspring. I'm allowed to be bitter and cynical so thank you Jenn for reminding me!

Updates....

We have an appointment with a RE on the 27th. I know, I know, we said we weren't going to see one, but an opportunity presented itself and we have to take it. It got to the point that neither Doc nor Dr. Awesome would even prescribe progesterone for me. They just kept saying "go to the RE, go to the RE" so my mom worked her magic (I swear that woman is like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio at times) and we have our appointment next week.

We're finally doing flooring in the house. About time right? We're starting with the downstairs floor first and then will move upstairs. We've picked out the tile and the guy is coming early next week to measure so we can order the tile. Hopefully that will get started in the next week or two. It'll be lovely to finally have new flooring.

Of course the new flooring means we'll be doing some other DIY projects that we've been putting off. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk and blog about those. We could use some happy posts right?

On the adoption front, the meeting got cancelled. We're going to schedule another one after we meet with the RE. We want to make sure we are making the right decisions for us.