From the moment you see that second line, the + or the digital “Pregnant” or in my case “YES+” you worry. It is a never ending cycle in parenting that starts literally moments after conception. Like any other mom to be, I have a million worries. I’m worried about getting through my first trimester. I’m worried about being a good mom. I’m worried about making the right choices. But the biggest worry that I have nagging my mind, is my cervix. I am so worried about it, it keeps me up.
In 2004 I was diagnosed with High Grade Lesion. If you don’t know what that is and are going off to google it, you’re lucky! It’s basically the last step before cancer. 4 is cancer, I was a 3. I was 19 years old and told I was one step away from cervical cancer. Wind literally sucked from my lungs. My doctor was optimistic and we opted to go with cryotherapy. Again, if you are googling, you are SOOOO LUCKY. I’ll spare the details. Just know, it’s completely invasive, horribly painful and you are awake and feeling every second of it.
My mom sat next to me and my dad waited in the waiting room, again my support system. I have a high pain tolerance. I have multiple tattoos. I’ve had so many cuts and nicks that I’m practically a road map, but nothing prepared me for that pain. My legs shook and I couldn’t even speak. I just laid there with tears falling. I had to suffer through 2 cycles of cryotherapy, 5 minutes each, until my doctor was pleased. Mom and dad helped me home and all we could do was wait.
My first post procedure pap came back normal. The pain was worth it. To have a normal pap and have the cells gone, that was worth it. My second pap only a few short months later, that one wasn’t so great. It came back 3 again, High Grade Lesion. My doctor ordered another colposcopy and that’s where he learned that not only were the cells back with a vengeance, they were moving INTO my cervix, not just outside anymore. He couldn’t tip toe around it anymore, he had to take the cells out.
A lot of women have a procedure called LEEP. It’s very common in fact. The laser removes a small portion of the cervix and the woman heals with little to no problems. I couldn’t have that one though; we had to go a step up to cold knife conization of my cervix. I’ll spare those details; just know it involves a scalpel, in my whooha. In September, 2004 I had my out patient surgery. The procedure went fine and I’ve been blessed to have normal paps ever since. Even though my doctor warned me that due to the amount of scar tissue on my cervix natural conception might be difficult, I didn’t really think about it. Until now.
I’m pregnant. I’m so happily pregnant it’s not even funny. Now that I am pregnant, I have to face the facts that I had a good portion of my cervix removed. Your cervix doesn’t grow back. When it’s gone, it’s gone. I knew there were risks when I had the procedure, but I was 19. I wasn’t thinking about the risks. I was thinking that I didn’t want cancer. I don’t regret my decision to go through with the procedure, but I do worry about the effect it will have on my pregnancy.
Any woman is at risk for preterm labor, or an incompetent cervix. You don’t have to have pre-existing problems to have issues, but having pre-existing problems does increase your odds. All I can do at this point is continue to hope that my body doesn’t fail me again and that this little one is as stubborn as his/her mommy and daddy. I will do ANYTHING I can to make sure this child is born healthy, even if that means super gluing my legs closed.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
4w2d - It Starts
Obviously by my title and my little note below, T and I are shocked to announce that we are expecting our first baby!! The news came as quite the shock to the both of us, more him though. I believe his exact reaction was the color draining from his face and his reply of “I need another beer.” Classic.
I’ll start at the beginning, conception. You see, when two people love each other very much, or are completely drunk out of their minds and not exercising good judgement…just kidding. Y’all don’t need to know those details.
It actually starts on Wednesday, February 16th. The day was like any other normal day. I had to work, T had to work and I was completely physically miserable. I had cramps that gave my normal cramps a run for their money. I just figured it was another busted cycle and that Flo was going to be a real PITA this month. I had cramps all day that progressively got worse, but Flo hadn’t shown yet. Bitch. The next morning I woke up, still had horrible cramps, but now I had sore boobs and back pain. Yep, just a few more normal symptoms that made me hate being a woman.
Since Flo hadn’t shown her ugly face quite yet, I took a test just to calm my overly impatient mind. I had seen MANY negative results in the past years, what was one more. Took a test, big fat NEGATIVE. I’m talking so negative the test practically screamed “Seriously?! NO, really, you actually thought you were pregnant? Loser.” At least they were the dollar store cheapie tests, New Choice. [Random, after peeing on way too many tests to actually keep count in my adult life I ended up finding out that the dollar store sold tests for, you guessed it, a dollar. Way cheaper]
So over the course of the next few days, I absolutely LOST MY MIND. I went from having a very nice stash of dollar store cheapie tests to down to my last one and my one name brand Clear Blue Easy test that I was saving for the day I needed to confirm my positive result. I’ve had the test so long we were approaching the expiration date, yeah that’s how many negatives I’ve gotten. Every test I took came back negative. Pure white negative. Not even a faint line. Clearly super white negative. Something just wasn’t right though. I didn’t feel like me and my cycle NEVER took this long to show with symptoms.
On Wednesday, the 23rd I decided to stop off at Walgreens on my way home to buy a heating pad for the back pain that wouldn’t stop and a name brand pregnancy test to use in the morning. First Response won because it was on a sale and had the two different types of tests, a line test for normal people and the digital for those who actually need a verbal confirmation. I got home, headed upstairs and decided to try another cheapie. Negative. I was so over that brand, it wasn’t even funny. I decided to stop being cheap and use my nearly expired Clear Blue Easy line test. Within seconds I could see a faint line appearing. I thought I was seeing things. I literally said out loud “is that positive or do I want something so badly I’m imagining things?” No, there was a line. Concerned about the near expiration date, I used the line test from First Response that I was saving for the next morning. Again, within seconds a line appeared. No way. There was NO way I was seeing this. Going for broke I dipped the digital. That would be the final word.
The digital took next to a year to process the result. I was pacing back and forth in the bathroom saying “oh my god” over and over again waiting for the result. Then it hit me, I should probably let the hubs in on the secret. With my two tests in hand I headed out to the loft where T met me in the hallway. I shoved the sticks in his face and said “They’re positive!” He stared. We headed back to the bathroom to check the digital and there was the confirmation that I’ve waited almost 27 years to hear, er, read, “YES+” Not just, yes, but YES+!
We were shocked. All the blood immediately drained from T’s face and I couldn’t slap the smile off mine. We were in complete disbelief that it actually happened! After all the dreaming, the wanting, the warnings, everything, we had not only done it, but we did it on our own!
Since finding out, we’ve been up and down. There have been very excited moments, but there have also been very scared moments. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but when the reality hit me that I actually am going to be, it was quite overwhelming. Making my first OB appointment was overwhelming. When the woman on the phone was taking my information, I thought I was having an out of body experience when she was talking about seeing me when I’m 9 weeks pregnant. Was she really talking to me?
Keeping it in has been VERY HARD. I wanted to call my parents immediately and tell them because I was so excited and they’ve been there through it all. Through the tears, my fears, doctor’s warnings, they’ve been right there next to me. I rely on my support system so much and I feel like I really need that support system right now, and all through this pregnancy. T has pushed that we hold off and it makes perfect sense. We should wait to get a confirmation from the doctor that not only am I healthy, but more importantly that the baby is healthy. It will be amazing to show my family and T’s family the sonogram for the first time and that is what keeps me from screaming it from the rooftops.
Edited 12/12/11 -- While in the midst of my obsessing over my current cycle, I went back to see my positive tests with Spawn and realized I never posted them! Figured that would come back to haunt me someday. Well, better late than never. This picture was taken right after we found out, during the height of our excitement. I love you sweet Spawn, to the moon & back!
I’ll start at the beginning, conception. You see, when two people love each other very much, or are completely drunk out of their minds and not exercising good judgement…just kidding. Y’all don’t need to know those details.
It actually starts on Wednesday, February 16th. The day was like any other normal day. I had to work, T had to work and I was completely physically miserable. I had cramps that gave my normal cramps a run for their money. I just figured it was another busted cycle and that Flo was going to be a real PITA this month. I had cramps all day that progressively got worse, but Flo hadn’t shown yet. Bitch. The next morning I woke up, still had horrible cramps, but now I had sore boobs and back pain. Yep, just a few more normal symptoms that made me hate being a woman.
Since Flo hadn’t shown her ugly face quite yet, I took a test just to calm my overly impatient mind. I had seen MANY negative results in the past years, what was one more. Took a test, big fat NEGATIVE. I’m talking so negative the test practically screamed “Seriously?! NO, really, you actually thought you were pregnant? Loser.” At least they were the dollar store cheapie tests, New Choice. [Random, after peeing on way too many tests to actually keep count in my adult life I ended up finding out that the dollar store sold tests for, you guessed it, a dollar. Way cheaper]
So over the course of the next few days, I absolutely LOST MY MIND. I went from having a very nice stash of dollar store cheapie tests to down to my last one and my one name brand Clear Blue Easy test that I was saving for the day I needed to confirm my positive result. I’ve had the test so long we were approaching the expiration date, yeah that’s how many negatives I’ve gotten. Every test I took came back negative. Pure white negative. Not even a faint line. Clearly super white negative. Something just wasn’t right though. I didn’t feel like me and my cycle NEVER took this long to show with symptoms.
On Wednesday, the 23rd I decided to stop off at Walgreens on my way home to buy a heating pad for the back pain that wouldn’t stop and a name brand pregnancy test to use in the morning. First Response won because it was on a sale and had the two different types of tests, a line test for normal people and the digital for those who actually need a verbal confirmation. I got home, headed upstairs and decided to try another cheapie. Negative. I was so over that brand, it wasn’t even funny. I decided to stop being cheap and use my nearly expired Clear Blue Easy line test. Within seconds I could see a faint line appearing. I thought I was seeing things. I literally said out loud “is that positive or do I want something so badly I’m imagining things?” No, there was a line. Concerned about the near expiration date, I used the line test from First Response that I was saving for the next morning. Again, within seconds a line appeared. No way. There was NO way I was seeing this. Going for broke I dipped the digital. That would be the final word.
The digital took next to a year to process the result. I was pacing back and forth in the bathroom saying “oh my god” over and over again waiting for the result. Then it hit me, I should probably let the hubs in on the secret. With my two tests in hand I headed out to the loft where T met me in the hallway. I shoved the sticks in his face and said “They’re positive!” He stared. We headed back to the bathroom to check the digital and there was the confirmation that I’ve waited almost 27 years to hear, er, read, “YES+” Not just, yes, but YES+!
We were shocked. All the blood immediately drained from T’s face and I couldn’t slap the smile off mine. We were in complete disbelief that it actually happened! After all the dreaming, the wanting, the warnings, everything, we had not only done it, but we did it on our own!
Since finding out, we’ve been up and down. There have been very excited moments, but there have also been very scared moments. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but when the reality hit me that I actually am going to be, it was quite overwhelming. Making my first OB appointment was overwhelming. When the woman on the phone was taking my information, I thought I was having an out of body experience when she was talking about seeing me when I’m 9 weeks pregnant. Was she really talking to me?
Keeping it in has been VERY HARD. I wanted to call my parents immediately and tell them because I was so excited and they’ve been there through it all. Through the tears, my fears, doctor’s warnings, they’ve been right there next to me. I rely on my support system so much and I feel like I really need that support system right now, and all through this pregnancy. T has pushed that we hold off and it makes perfect sense. We should wait to get a confirmation from the doctor that not only am I healthy, but more importantly that the baby is healthy. It will be amazing to show my family and T’s family the sonogram for the first time and that is what keeps me from screaming it from the rooftops.
Welcome!!
Hello family, friends and random internet viewers. Welcome to T’s and my family blog. Of course our family and friends don’t actually know this blog exists at this point because we haven’t told them and aren’t going to for a little while, so for right now, it’s more like our own little online journal. I am going to be documenting our boring daily lives, our home upgrade/renovation projects and the most exciting topic so far in our lives, our first baby!! Enjoy!
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