BFP Anniversary

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of our BFP for Spawn. Exactly 1 year ago I was over the moon excited and could not believe my dream of being a mother was finally going to come true. I can still remember my hand shaking while I held the test and repeated “OMG, OMG, OMG” just staring at those two beautiful lines. The day I found out I was pregnant truly was an amazing day. To know we actually did it and I was carrying our baby was amazing. It was one of the rare times I was happy with my body and I couldn’t wait to hold our little one.

Today, my arms and my uterus are empty. Painfully empty.

I keep telling myself that I’m okay because after a while I’m bound to believe it. I knew this day was coming and I did my best to prepare for it, but nothing can really prepare you to face the anniversary of one of the happiest days of your life, when things ended so badly. I didn’t get the flowers or balloons. I didn’t get the baby shower or nursery furniture. I didn’t get my baby. Something that always hangs over my head, but is seriously at the forefront of my mind these days.

I know the decision to hold off on further treatments was ours and we could go back on it at any time, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this hurts like hell. I wish I wasn’t taking this trip because that would mean I would either have a little one in my arms, or a little one in my belly. I try to tell myself that this trip is what we need, that we need to focus on us because we’re drifting too far apart, but then my heart screams that I will never be happy until I have a baby in my arms. I know we can’t keep pushing forward if we’re drifting too far apart, but it’s so hard to convince my heart of that.

Today just sucks. And I know March 20th is going to suck even more. I hate this.

Spawn, I love you my sweet baby to the moon and back!

231 Days...

Time is officially creeping by and in fact, at some points I think it's going backwards! Anyway, I am pleased to say that I was able to upgrade our seats to the awesome seats I was bitching about not getting. Yay! We had to pay a small fee to upgrade, but I figured if we're spending that much time on a plane then dammit I'm going to be comfortable! I made the airline verify (multiple times) that we do indeed have those seats.

We also purchased our backpacks for the trip. I obviously can't report on them yet since we haven't actually received them, but I've heard wonderful things about them. Since we are flying overseas we want to make sure we have a couple days worth of clothes on our person so should our bag not make it to Rome, we still have clothes. This will also hopefully keep our packing to minimal. I'm going to try to be daring and only take the backpack, but we'll see. I know that sounds crazy, but we are doing so much traveling via public transportation and walking that I really don't want to be lugging a suitcase around. We have time to decide though.

In other news, I'm sicker than sick right now. Ugh! So on Thursday when I'm all weepy because it's the 1 year mark of our BFP, I'm going to also be congested and have a monster headache. Yeah, that won't make me a psycho bitch at all. Oh well, what can I do right? Speaking of that whole situation, I need to make one thing perfectly clear, this trip is by no means taking away from the disappointment we are feeling. I am hearing a lot of "you're so lucky" and "OMG, I would love to take that trip" and all that jazz, but honestly, I would much prefer to be "tied down" with a healthy baby. I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if I was getting my beautiful take home baby.

236 Days...

Well, this trip just got put on fast forward! I know most would wait until closer to the trip to make any reservations for airline or hotel. Me on the other hand, nope. I was mad searching today for the best hotels and I found one I LOVED! It's perfect and right across from the Colosseum. Like, right across the street I can see it from my window. Not to mention it's only a few minute walk from the metro station.  This morning they had 5 rooms available for the 2 nights we would be in Rome. This evening, down to 2. So yeah, booking done! It's a little pricey, but for the location we just couldn't pass it up!

**Pictures courtesy of Booking.com First is view from their dining terrace, second is a view of one of their rooms. Look closely at the window, see what's just outside it?!


I think I forgot to mention we are arriving in Rome 2 days early. We decided to take some time to see all the sights and since there is A LOT to see in Rome we needed as much time as possible. We arrive just after 9 am on Sunday, Oct 7th, so that gives us most of Sunday to see the Colosseum and the Forums. Then Monday it's the Trevi Fountain, The Pantheon, Sistine Chapel, Vatican Museum, St. Peter's Basilica and a bunch of other places. 10 pounds, 1 pound bag.

I am super angry with myself for not booking my airfare this morning though. This morning I found AWESOME seats on a flight, but decided to hold off to ask T. By this evening, yeah, gone! I literally was on the verge of tears (apparently the Clomid is NOT entirely out of my system). The seats we do have aren't terrible. They aren't great, but they aren't terrible. At least they have DC outlets so when I'm having my Harry Potter movie marathon on the way from Chicago to Rome I'll be set.

I will be honest though, I'm a little intimidated with the idea of the public transportation. In Rome, they have trains, the metro, buses and from what I've read everyone use them. I grew up in Arizona so the whole public transportation concept is just so foreign to me (hehe, get it, foreign?) We don't even have local buses in the city I live in and I live in a very large city. It's really sad how behind the times we are here in the U.S. compared to these other countries. We plan on using their metro system and rail system A LOT so hopefully we learn fast. I already printed out a map of the rail system and started making my notes. I want to look somewhat like I know what I'm doing. I'm hoping with my dark hair and dark eyes I just blend in with the Italians.

Time to cross more off my list....

Finalize decision about trip
Put deposit on cruise
Put in for vacation
Put in for vacation (T)
Pay remaining balance of cruise
Book airfare
Sign up for shore excursions
Book hotel for days before cruise & after
Make sure vaccines up to date
Get visas for required countries
Get all US Embassy info for each country

The Dust Has Settled...

So now that the dust has settled and the initial excitement from deciding on the trip has worn off, the big question is are we actually going through with this???? Or are we backing out like every other big trip we've tried to take??

Yep, we're actually doing this. I log in every morning actually to see my countdown and today was the first day that there was an obvious shift in the blue. I love that the bar is turning gray! That means we are moving that much closer to the trip. We both are so excited it's not even funny. Even though the trip is quite a few days away, it'll be here before we know it and we have a lot to take care of in between now and then. We have to make sure we have all the required vaccines, get our visas (yep, Egypt requires them in addition to passports) and finalize our bajillion plans, but we're taking it one step at a time. I have a little list going actually:

Finalize decision about trip
Put deposit on cruise
Put in for vacation
Put in for vacation (T)
Pay remaining balance of cruise
Book airfare
Sign up for shore excursions
Book hotel for days before cruise & after
Make sure vaccines up to date
Get visas for required countries
Get all US Embassy info for each country

It's a never ending list that I'm adding to daily as things come up, but we're making progress nonetheless. I'm sure this has you wondering what we are doing about the baby situation. Well, nothing right now. I have an appointment scheduled with awesome doc to discuss our options, but I have a feeling he's going to tell me that we need this trip to regroup and refocus. I agree with that. It's nice to have something to look forward to that we have control over and that we know is going to actually happen. Our lives were put on hold last year because of the baby thing and now all we have is an empty house and regret that we stopped living.

Don't think though that the one year anniversary of our BFP and miscarriage isn't weighing on my mind. It is more than I ever imagined it would. My heart longs for our little Spawn with every breath that I take. I actually discussed with T about getting another tattoo, for Spawn. He's cool with my getting a tattoo, then again, it wasn't really a discussion. It was more like me saying "I'm getting another tattoo" and him saying "okay." I finally decided on my tattoo too. It's going to be a butterfly resting with it's wings together and small stars surrounding it. To honor my baby who lives in the stars. I love you sweet Spawn, to the moon and back.

I Interrupt My Normal TTCAL Broadcasting...

There is no denying this past year has been tough. It has really tested T and I as a couple and I'll be honest, in recent weeks our marriage has started to rapidly nose dive. Between my insane mood swings and just the overall pressure we're at each others throats and an intervention is needed. I have mentioned in the past that we have talked about taking a big trip, but always found reasons to not do it. We go through spurts where we get on a vacation kick and mentally plan these awesome vacations, but never take them. We found ourselves doing that again yesterday. We've wanted to go to Europe since before we were even engaged. For 6 years we've talked about it. We've planned it. We've backed out...every time.

We found an amazing cruise that hits all the places we both are so desperate to see. Rome for T, he is a HUGE fan of the roman culture and has been talking about the Colosseum since I've known him. Egypt has been on my bucket list since I first started learning about their culture in Elementary School. Greece, some of the most amazing sights to see. So we started looking at this trip and planned our dream trip. Figured out airfare, the cruise, all the details and it would make things tight, but doable. Once again we said "too much money," and started talking ourselves out of it. Then I started tweaking the trip, changing to an interior room from a balcony room. Changing the flight days. Just a few tweaks here and there and suddenly I had taken $3,000 off the total of the trip. It was within our grasp, but we still couldn't pull the trigger. Then I logged into Pinterest...

 

I took it as a sign and we talked serious about this trip. The past year has been one super tough emotional roller coaster and while we know kids are absolutely something we want to do, it's tearing our marriage apart. We need a break to focus on us. So we talked, and we talked, and we crunched the numbers, and we talked, and we...BOOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, after talking and talking and running circles we decided to take our trip of a lifetime. I'm giving up charting and we are going to see where things lead. Of course we have the trip insurance and should a baby be on the way, we'd adapt and adjust, but we have made the decision to give this a break. I'm tired, T's tired, and we need this for us. To say we're excited is the understatement of the century. Not only are we giving our relationship the TLC it desperately needs, we are fulfilling a lifelong dream. We will have kids someday and we'll have the most amazing vacation story to share with them.

Let’s Just Get This Over With

I know I said I was going to wait until Saturday to test, but quite honestly I didn’t need a negative ruining my weekend so I just did it this morning. Figured I would rip it off like a band-aid. As I suspected, negative. Shocker! There weren’t any tears, but there was some eye rolling and perhaps a couple sarcastic comments. Overall though, I think I took it on the chin like a champ.

Now we wait for CD1 of cycle #4 which if my calculations are correct, should be Valentine’s Day. How romantic huh? Nothing says love like your body getting it’s cycle because your body once again failed to do what nature designed it to do. When I do hit CD1 the call will go in to my doctor to talk about our options. Bottom-line, I want off Clomid. While the drug may have gotten my ovaries going (blood tests did confirm ovulation) it obviously is not the medication that will take us all the way. I also cannot stand the mood swings anymore. This journey is emotional enough without adding the meds in there. So I am requesting a switcharoo in my meds and am going to push about the progesterone. While my LP has gotten significantly longer, I’m thinking I still might need a little more of a nudge. My temps drop early and typically that is an indicator AF was on her nasty way, but now I drop up to 6 days before she shows. So, I’m pushing the progesterone.

Depending what my doc wants to do, he might push for a break cycle between meds which fine by me. We’ll continue our efforts, but I might also take a charting break that month. Although, I say that now, but I’m sure I’ll have issues ditching the BBT and not knowing exactly what my body is doing. I try to tell myself with Spawn, we didn’t know. I was not charting that cycle. Maybe not charting is the trick. We’ll see though. I’m a huge control freak so I doubt I’ll be able to give that up.

I can say that this cycle was by far the most emotional one. I’m sure the meds had a lot to do with that, since my moods were swinging hardcore, but still hard nonetheless. There were the most tears, the most anger and the most bitter. The bitterness is bad. Oh lord, is it bad. I hate feeling this way too. I hate being angry at people for getting pregnant. I mean, how awful is that? It’s also been a real eye opener to me. I had sort of this come to Jesus meeting with myself and realized I need to make some changes and I need to make them like yesterday.

10DPO: The Arrival of the Ugly Cry

That was me at just before 7 am this morning. Except I was standing at my bathroom counter and holding my negative pregnancy test. I felt it coming on when I saw my temp dip this morning. Sure, your temp can go all over the place, but I was having some serious negative déjà vu over it. Despite the little nagging voice telling me not to, I opted to test instead of waiting and that pure white negative brought on the ugly cry.

Now when I say ugly cry, I’m not just talking I had a few tears, my face got distorted, but in a few minutes I was back to normal. I’m talking I could not stop the tears. They kept coming and coming. I had to get ready for work so there I was flat ironing my hair, trying to do my make up, all while doing the ugly cry. I’m a good multi tasker that way. I don’t allow my emotional breakdowns to stop my normal day to day activities. I finally gained control, only to lose it in the car again when “I’m Moving On” by Rascall Flatts came on my iPod. Seriously? I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to wipe my eyes and fix my make up while driving with my knee so I didn’t look hungover at work.

I got to work earlier than normal, got up to my desk and proceeded to struggle for a good portion of the morning with the tears. Of course people see your wet eyes and ask if you are okay, I just chuckled and said I was so tired and couldn’t stop yawning. They bought it. When I finally gained some composure I logged into FF to see my chart and really overanalyze it all. I kept having this feeling of déjà vu. Then I went back to my first cycle on Clomid. Yeah, they are pretty much identical. Both with amazing timing. Both with a positive attitude. And I’m pretty sure both with a negative result.

It’s defeating. It truly, truly is. I know I could try to chalk it up to that I’m still really early and maybe I just need another day, but there really is no point in doing that. I allowed myself to get my hopes up really high this month and my massive ugly cry attack is a direct response to that. The only way I’m going to keep my sanity during this is to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. I need to stop looking at baby stuff. I need to stop bookmarking things under my “Someday” folder on my iPad. I need to stop over analyzing every little tweak and twinge that goes on with my body.

I think one of the hardest parts about this now isn’t so much everyone else getting pregnant. I mean yeah, sure, it hurts and I’m green eyed over it, but that’s not really it. The thing that gets me is how envious I am of women who get pregnant without really having to try. The stories of “we just decided to throw out our birth control and see what happens and our first cycle, bam” rip my heart out. Why? Because I’m like past the PhD degree in charting. I’m so in tune with my body it’s not even funny. I temp. I use OPK’s. I am taking medications. I’m being monitored. We’re scheduling sexy time. We literally do everything in our power to give us the best possible chances and yet nothing. I so wish I could go back to the days where I thought I had the “normal” 28 day cycle and I didn’t know anything about charting. I wish my reality was we got pregnant with an “oops” baby.

So now we wait. I am not testing again until Saturday, which will be 13DPO. If I get a BFN then, then we know it’s another busted cycle. If/when CD1 comes, I will be putting in a call to my doc about switching meds. While Clomid has proven that it is putting my ovaries to work, the emotional side effects are becoming too much to handle. If we get a BFP, well, then I’ll have another crying episode, but this time it won’t be an ugly one.

Month of Love?

Well, it's February 1st. That means all the stores are pushing their Valentine's Day propaganda. I'm getting e-mails up the wazoo from The Melting Pot about their "Romance & Fondue" special. Everywhere you turn there are hearts. None of that matters to me though. I'm so distracted with this 2ww I can't seem to focus on anything else. I wish I could just fast forward to testing day and just get this over with. I'm going into this fully expecting a negative. In theory having that attitude means if we aren't pregnant it won't hit me as hard. Right?