Well, I can say with 110% certainty that Progeny will absolutely be an only child. Not because we don't like kids, but because I absolutely cannot do this again. No freaking way.
Let's start with the good news. My f/u appointment with the High Risk doc went well. He said my bloodwork was all normal and between the scan and the bloodwork we are very low risk of Downs which was a relief. He also agreed with the OB that BP meds are not necessary at this particular moment, but that doesn't mean they won't be. He wants me to keep on my low sodium diet and keep slamming the water to help maintain it. He is recommending what is called co-management to my OB, which is sort of what brings me to the next round of fun.
Starting in 2 weeks I will get to see Progeny every other week via u/s. Why you ask? Well because my cervix is at risk of failing due to all the work I've had done to it. In addition to the cervical length measurements that will be going on, I'll be what's called co-managed by the OB and the High Risk doc. Essentially she will do my monthly care and my cervical u/s's. If shit gets real, she boots me over to him. If everything goes well, then I will begin seeing him when I'm in the 3rd trimester. He's thinking around 32 weeks we will have to start doing non-stress tests to make sure Progeny is doing well, possibly twice a week. Which means I will roughly have anywhere from 2-3 doctor's appointments a WEEK starting with my 3rd trimester.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to have such wonderful proactive doctors. I've never suffered a second/third trimester loss so the fact that they are even monitoring my cervix is seriously a blessing, but it doesn't really make this all easier to handle. I'm terrified. ALL. THE. TIME. I'm not happy and enjoying this pregnancy. I'm losing my ever loving mind. I never expected to make it past the 8 week mark and oh my god did I think the stress of that was bad. HA! It's nothing on the stress that's coming.
I haven't even bought anything for Progeny yet. We did buy this photo plaques for our parents to reveal the pregnancy, but that's it. I'm even dreading doing that. I'm such a private person who tends to push people away when I'm stressed so having the parents involved will be a whole different ball of fun. I'm sad about it too. I always imagined I'd be so excited to tell our parents, but I'm not. I'm only telling them because my stomach is getting to that "she's pregnant" phase. It just looked like I was fat before, but it's definitely looking like an actual belly now and I can't hide it from them.
I know there will come a time when I'll look back on all this and hopefully be holding our little Progeny in my arms and know it was all worth it....it's just so hard to see the big picture when you're knee deep in stress.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
13w1d: Update
Boy, I am awesome at dropping off the face of the Earth aren't I? What can I say? It's a gift.
So I'm back with an update and there's a lot to update.
First up, let's take a moment to celebrate the fact that I'm officially DONE with Crinone! Hallelujah! My last dose was Friday and let me tell you, was it awesome not doing it last night. Though I know it was for the welfare of Progeny, it didn't make taking that medication any easier because the stuff utterly sucks. So yay for being done!
Next, my body still wants to be a massive pain in the ass and I've developed pregnancy induced high blood pressure. It's not considered preeclampsia until after 20w, so my dx is chronic hyptertension which is a complete lie because I've always had awesome BP, but apparently that's just the medical term. So I had to do the 24 hour urine collection (ugh) and had some blood drawn. I've also been taking my BP x2 daily to monitor it. It hasn't gotten to "OMG" level yet, but it's definitely not where it should be. There is also no rhyme or reason behind the readings. They are all over the map. I have my f/u appointment Wednesday to go over my results of the urine test and blood work. We'll see if meds are needed (oh please no!)
Finally, had my NTS scan on Friday and that was awesome. Though the doctor won't give any firm readings until after they get my blood work, they did say Progeny looks great and (unofficially) is showing no markers for Down Syndrome. The nuchal translucency reading was at 1.7 (they took multiple measurements since Progeny would not sit the hell still and 1.7 was the highest, so doc said better to take the highest) and there was a lovely long nasal bone (me thinks this baby got daddy's nose) and just looks all around gorgeous and no, I'm not being biased. Not at all. We also got to see a close up of his/her heart that was beating at a healthy 167 bpm. If we're using old wives tales (which we're not, it's just fun) this baby is a girl. We'll find out soon enough.
It's surprising to say, but things appear to be progressing normally with only a few blips. Once we get the results of my b/w with the NTS, we'll probably consider announcing to our families which would be around 15-16 weeks. Kind of later, but that's okay.
I'll end it here with two incredible photos of my rockstar. The profile isn't the best one, only because Progeny was just dancing around in there so it's kind of hard to see the definition of his/her nose/mouth, but that's okay. I still think s/he is gorgeous!
So I'm back with an update and there's a lot to update.
First up, let's take a moment to celebrate the fact that I'm officially DONE with Crinone! Hallelujah! My last dose was Friday and let me tell you, was it awesome not doing it last night. Though I know it was for the welfare of Progeny, it didn't make taking that medication any easier because the stuff utterly sucks. So yay for being done!
Next, my body still wants to be a massive pain in the ass and I've developed pregnancy induced high blood pressure. It's not considered preeclampsia until after 20w, so my dx is chronic hyptertension which is a complete lie because I've always had awesome BP, but apparently that's just the medical term. So I had to do the 24 hour urine collection (ugh) and had some blood drawn. I've also been taking my BP x2 daily to monitor it. It hasn't gotten to "OMG" level yet, but it's definitely not where it should be. There is also no rhyme or reason behind the readings. They are all over the map. I have my f/u appointment Wednesday to go over my results of the urine test and blood work. We'll see if meds are needed (oh please no!)
Finally, had my NTS scan on Friday and that was awesome. Though the doctor won't give any firm readings until after they get my blood work, they did say Progeny looks great and (unofficially) is showing no markers for Down Syndrome. The nuchal translucency reading was at 1.7 (they took multiple measurements since Progeny would not sit the hell still and 1.7 was the highest, so doc said better to take the highest) and there was a lovely long nasal bone (me thinks this baby got daddy's nose) and just looks all around gorgeous and no, I'm not being biased. Not at all. We also got to see a close up of his/her heart that was beating at a healthy 167 bpm. If we're using old wives tales (which we're not, it's just fun) this baby is a girl. We'll find out soon enough.
It's surprising to say, but things appear to be progressing normally with only a few blips. Once we get the results of my b/w with the NTS, we'll probably consider announcing to our families which would be around 15-16 weeks. Kind of later, but that's okay.
I'll end it here with two incredible photos of my rockstar. The profile isn't the best one, only because Progeny was just dancing around in there so it's kind of hard to see the definition of his/her nose/mouth, but that's okay. I still think s/he is gorgeous!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Uh...Hi?
Long time no post, eh?
I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.
Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.
Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.
I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.
Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....
Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.
I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.
I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.
Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.
2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.
Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.
That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.
T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.
Why?
Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.
Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.
If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.
I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.
Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.
Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.
I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.
Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....
Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.
I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.
I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.
Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.
2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.
Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.
That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.
T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.
Why?
Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.
Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.
If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.
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