4 Months (and four days)

My Dearest Spawn,

It's been 4 months (and four days) since you grew your wings and left this world. In these past 4 months I've been all over the map. I've ping ponged back and forth, depressed, happy, sad, okay. Truly it's been the roller coaster from hell. At the 3 month mark I was in such a good place, well as good of a place as I could be. Today, not there. I miss you so much right now it hurts my heart in such a wicked way. I miss you everyday, but the last few it's been damn near unbearable.

I am doing my best to come to terms with the fact that when your due date rolls around, my arms and uterus will both still be empty. November 1st is going to suck. No amount of planning or preparing is going to prepare my heart for the reality. Everyone tells me to keep a positive attitude and keep focused on trying again, but I can't. I just can't. I have tried the positive thinking route and it didn't work. All it did was make me more frustrated and hurt.

Daddy and I have been talking about the future. I think we are both rapidly reaching the point of just throwing our arms up and saying we're done trying. As much as it kills me, and you know it does, this roller coaster kills me even more. My heart has been broken and taped back together countless times on this shitty journey and I think it's safe to say that it broke in an unrepairable way the day you left.

I know I will see you again my sweet little one and I'll be able to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. Until then I will keep you close to my heart and please know that I love you, to the moon and back!

Love,
Mommy

A picture's worth a thousand words...

Nothing else to say.

Tick, tock...Tick, tock...

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you can literally hear the ticking of the clock on every second? Yeah, that's me right now. Except, this ticking lasts for days. I have a love/hate relationship with ovulating now. I'm happy that I was able to do it on my own, but I know in just a few days my cycle will start...again...and my LP would have been too short. Awesome! I was able to catch my O with OPK's this month which was nice since my first cycle using them SUCKED! Now we wait to see how long my LP is. I'm not even going to try to barter with my body for extra days.

Here are the pics from my results this month. I got my positives on CD18 & CD19 and my negative on CD20. These results match my chart so I'm confident they are right.





7 Years...

I'm blah.

Today marks the 7 year anniversary of T and I meeting, which is nuts! Crazy to believe it's been 7 years already! I did a cute little post on his Facebook page and had my cute little walk to memory lane.

Then....that awesome evil little me had to remind me that very shortly after T and I met, I had my surgery on my cervix. Not that it's that big of a deal, but that was also the first time I had a doctor tell me that odds were starting to stack against me for having children. I remember totally having a breakdown after my doc told me that and just bawling to T. I'm sure he thought I was BSC and wondered what the hell he got himself into, but he definitely didn't show it. He hugged me and told me that I would be a mom. No matter what.

My arms are still empty and that breaks my heart.

TTA Until ??/??/????

T and I are now TTA until September at the earliest. I have about 4,000 different emotions on the subject, but it doesn't matter because there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I mean, yeah sure, we could go ahead and TTCAL right now, but it would probably just end up in another m/c. So, we wait. Again. It's obvious that something isn't right with my cycles (somebody please fix this broken record) and I cannot get into my doctor until the end of August to deal with it.

I keep trying to tell myself that this will be for the best. I'll have more charts to show my doctor and it will give her a better idea of what my issue(s) is (are). We'll have the chance to pay off some more debt. I won't be pregnant during the hottest months of the year. But......the only thing I can think is that I will probably not be pregnant by Spawn's original due date and that just flat out SUCKS. No amount of positive thinking is going to help that.

I was totally fine TTA this cycle. I mean the decision was mine so what's the big deal about adding another TTA cycle on top of that? The fact that we'll be TTA not because we want to, but because we have to. My parental status should be MY choice and yet it's not. That my friends, is the cruelest part of this.