4 Months (and four days)

My Dearest Spawn,

It's been 4 months (and four days) since you grew your wings and left this world. In these past 4 months I've been all over the map. I've ping ponged back and forth, depressed, happy, sad, okay. Truly it's been the roller coaster from hell. At the 3 month mark I was in such a good place, well as good of a place as I could be. Today, not there. I miss you so much right now it hurts my heart in such a wicked way. I miss you everyday, but the last few it's been damn near unbearable.

I am doing my best to come to terms with the fact that when your due date rolls around, my arms and uterus will both still be empty. November 1st is going to suck. No amount of planning or preparing is going to prepare my heart for the reality. Everyone tells me to keep a positive attitude and keep focused on trying again, but I can't. I just can't. I have tried the positive thinking route and it didn't work. All it did was make me more frustrated and hurt.

Daddy and I have been talking about the future. I think we are both rapidly reaching the point of just throwing our arms up and saying we're done trying. As much as it kills me, and you know it does, this roller coaster kills me even more. My heart has been broken and taped back together countless times on this shitty journey and I think it's safe to say that it broke in an unrepairable way the day you left.

I know I will see you again my sweet little one and I'll be able to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. Until then I will keep you close to my heart and please know that I love you, to the moon and back!

Love,
Mommy