Goodbye 2011

I don't know about all of you, but I'm so over 2011. While we did have a couple good things happen this year (T's promotion & my nephew), our year was mostly drama and bad news. So, I'm over it. I'm going into 2012 with high hopes about our future and with a positive attitude. I figured if I start the year on a good note, it will help make it a good year right?

In typical New Years fashion, I've come up with some resolutions. They aren't crazy or over the top. They are simple, but hey, I'm a simple girl with simple needs.

1. Lose at least 30 more pounds. I'm proud of my weight loss up to now, but I'm not quite where I want to be yet. I'm close, but not there so back to hardcore dieting and working out for me.

2. Write more. Not on my blog, although it is a nice release for me. I'm talking about writing as in books. I LOVE to write and I've always wanted to be a writer. I just lacked the courage to actually go after it.

3. Get pregnant. Pretty self explanatory there.

4. Stay pregnant & deliver a healthy baby. Getting pregnant is only the first step, the real challenge is getting past the first trimester and then carrying the baby to term.

5. Pay off more debt. I don't have an actual total I'd like to hit, just focus more on getting it taken care of.


6. Do more projects around the house. I would LOVE to complete our bigger projects this year of moving the wall in our powder room downstairs and actually enclosing the theatre. After that it's flooring. Oh god do we need new flooring.

7. Be more optimistic. I would really like to ditch my negative nelly attitude and try to focus on the good and good things to come.

8. Either find or build a tv stand. We have a behemoth of a tv downstairs and the stand it currently rests on is just too small. We need a new stand because it's driving me batty. I want it to be white.

9. Learn to sew. My mom is a pretty good sewer and I would like to learn how to do it. I would really like to be able to hem my own pants and do any of the tasks that are currently pinned to my "Sewing" board.

10. DIY more. My capiz chandelier was a good start (although I AM going to redo it), but I would like to actually go a little deeper in DIYing. You can save a lot of money and I think there is a lot of satisfaction when you create something.

So there you have it. My 2012 resolutions. I told you they weren't over the top and they probably aren't even that impressive, but these are things that are really important to me. So, here's to good things in 2012!

Just Call Me Veruca

I'm not exactly a happy woman right now. As I figured I got negative OPK's today. Don't let the pictures to confuse you. For some reason they showed up way darker than they actually are in real life. Especially tonight's test. The line is significantly lighter than the control line when seen in person. Even though I was expecting this and I did my best to prepare myself for it, realizing I basically threw this cycle away was a sucker punch to the gut. When I took my test this am I held my breath while it "developed." I kept willing the line to get darker, but it didn't. It stopped and the control line just kept going. I was on the verge of tears and then they hit when I got tonight's clear negative. All that monitoring and busting my ass to make sure I'm on top of what my body's doing and I dropped the ball. I never expected my ovulation to move up this much. Especially so abruptly. I hoped that every cycle it would move up a day or two, not FIVE. I think the worst part of this is I'm so incredibly disappointed in myself. A shot cycle due to my own lax attitude.

GIFSoup


So, we wait now for my temps to rise and then the LP wait. We'll see what my LP does and I'm willing AF to show ASAP so we can move onto cycle #3. Next cycle I'm going to end up being psychotic obsessive testing for my LH surge because it's our LAST cycle to get pregnant before we hit the 1 year mark from our original BFP and subsequent miscarriage. I can't stand the idea of being at 1 year later and still not pregnant. You'd think I would be used to this by now, but nope. I don't care how long this journey is, there is never a point that it gets easier. If anything, it just gets harder and harder.

FFS Body....

This was me this morning....


GIFSoup

Why?????? Because.....

Yeah, I normally don't even start testing until CD15, but this am I felt a little crampy so I figured what the hell, get a day head start. I totally had to do a double take. I'm on the fence with how I feel. I'm glad to see my body is moving my O up, but sweet bejeezus a little warning would be nice. Not to mention I like to get a day or two of sexy time in BEFORE my OPK's go positive. Sure all it takes is one, but when you are up against some hurdles you need every edge you can get. Hopefully this is day 1 of my typical 2 days of positives. Otherwise we can pretty much rule this cycle out. If I get a negative tomorrow a breakdown will most likely ensue. Awesome.

Oh yeah, hope everyone had a great holiday.

Clomid, Day 2

Since you guys are such awesome peeps and follow my boring as hell blog, I decided to show you who I really am. I mean for months now I've just been words on a screen. I could be a computer for all you know. Well, I assure you I'm not. I'm your average run of the mill 1950's style housewife. The only difference is I work full time. So I get up early to get ready to work my full time job, I work hard all day long, then I rush home to freshen up my hair and make up before heading to the kitchen to make my darling husband his dinner. While dinner is on the stove I usually try to mix the hubs his drink and grab the paper for him. He works hard, so the least I can do is make him a delicious meal. After supper I make him some sort of dessert, from scratch of course. He loves my angel food cake with fresh strawberries. I don't mean to brag, it is quite good. After dessert I do the dishes while the hubs retires to the study with his pipe to do his manly things. I don't ask because it's his man cave and he deserves to have that space.

Although if you were to ask hubs about me, he would say this more closely resembles me at this time. Yeah, doesn't take the clomid long to make me a one woman show. I'm up, I'm down. I'm hot, I'm cold. I'm happy, I'm sad. I'm angry, I'm sorry. It's fun, really. So far I'm keeping the emotions in check (I think), but the hot flashes are once again kicking my ass. I was up at 3 this morning panting and kicking my covers off violently only to wake up at 6 am freezing my ass off because my covers were at the bottom of my bed. To make matters worse, I work in Accounting and our fiscal year is on the calendar year which means I'm dealing with super aggravated people all day at work. Yeah, it's a recipe for major disaster.

Thankfully (?) the holidays are rapidly approaching so I have a lot to keep me distracted from the insanity that is the clomid side effects. Not to mention my sister is in town with my cuter than cute nephew! Yay!! I can't wait to get a hold of that little bugger and just snuggle the bejeezus out of him!

So with the holidays approaching I will be taking a brief blogging break to enjoy my family and friends and try to wrap up my Christmas shopping that still isn't done. Don't worry though, I'll be back with my nonsense soon enough! Happy Christmas all!!


**Disclaimer: In case you haven't caught on to my sarcasm as a person, my first paragraph was complete malarkey. While I would love like somewhat enjoy tolerate a 1950's wife lifestyle, I fear it's so not me.**

Clarification...

I spoke with my doc's office yesterday (had to call about my scripts) and spoke with a different lady who definitely had more info than the last. I'm guessing the last chick got confused with what my doc said. The new chick (who is actually his nurse) said my levels were on the low side, but still within the healthy range so he doesn't want to add progesterone just yet. She said had I gotten pregnant he might have, but only after running my levels again. So no progesterone for me...for right now that is. The game plan is my 50mg Clomid again and see where the chips fall. Here's hoping for a September baby!

TTCAL Cycle #2

Well, all good freak outs must come to an end and my "OMG am I pregnant" one has ended. It finally came to a screeching halt this evening with the arrival of AF. So tomorrow I call the doc so he can call in my scripts for clomid & progesterone and we try again. I was disappointed with not being pregnant, but now I'm just glad the wench finally showed so we can move forward. For someone with a short luteal phase, having an average length one SUCKED! It was long and by the end of it I wanted to punch someone in the face. It's not to so much the length of my LP as much as it is my O did not move up any so my cycle was a nice LONG 34 days! Over a month.

On top of being annoyed with how long my cycle ended up being, I'm REALLY disappointed in myself. I did the worst thing I could and that's let my excitement run away with my sanity. It's hard enough to TTCAL without adding all the internal drama to the mix. This cycle (and any subsequent cycles) I plan on keeping a firmer grasp on reality and my sanity and waiting to test until at least 12DPO. It might even be later than that depending on how things go. So, here we go.....again....

Put The Pee Sticks Down!

Put your hands up in the air and slowly back away...

If I was watching me on tv, I would literally say "bitch done lost her mind" because quite frankly I have. I accepted defeat with my temp drops on Friday and Saturday. It sucked, but I nutted up and was moving forward. I even started to look on the bright side. Then Sunday my temp went up just slightly. No biggie. My temps have done that before on CD1. It was barely a rise so thought nothing of it. Then I temped this morning.....

Uhh...WTF is that body?! Is it the Clomid? Is this my body's new norm? Am I in a family way? Yeah, little jump there pretty much put me in a tailspin. I said goodbye to my sanity and acceptance and welcomed my good old friend, bat shit crazy, back. Of course I did what any BSC chick in the 2ww would do, I took another HPT. You guessed it, negative (you're a cheater if you looked at my results on my chart, just sayini'.)

Now, most calm, rational and sane people would just chalk this up to my randomly whacked temps this month and say it's nothing, AF is on her way. Accept it, love it, move on. Well, as I previously stated the calm, rational and sane chick in me has left the building and Mrs. BSC is back so of course, it had to be that my cheapie tests aren't working. In my defense though, with Spawn, I never got a positive on the cheap dollar store test. No joke. Not even when I had already seen the heartbeat. So I stopped off at Walgreen's on my way home to buy my beloved First Response test. I only got the line tests since I already have a box of ClearBlue digitals (for actual word confirmation when a real line exists.) I bought them to test with FMU. It is possible, highly unlikely, but possible none the less that I could still be in a family way and still too early to tell. Well, Mrs. BSC is impatient and tested tonight. To every other sane person who isn't an emotional basket case right now, it's negative. To my BSC clinging onto what little hope there is with my bloody fingernails side swears there is the faintest of faint lines. You know, the imaginary you so badly want to be pregnant faint lines. **Disclaimer: there really ISN'T a line. I finally uploaded the pic and inverted the colors, so no line there**

Now that I've spent another $17 on tests, just to prove that I'm really not pregnant, I'm sure AF will show tomorrow after I get a huge temp dip. I will then come back, read this post and shake my head at the chick who wrote it. I swore I would never become one of those women (oh don't pretend you don't know what type I'm talking about), but I totally have. I'm going to blame the Clomid for now, even though there isn't a chance it's still in my bloodstream, I'm going to try to work that for all it's worth. If tomorrow should bring even the slightest of temp rises, you know what that means...

Waiting on CD1

 Alright body, point taken. I am now waiting on CD1 for our second medicated cycle. I know it's on the horizon so I wish it would just come already. At this point I'm pretty neutral about it. I held onto the hope

that maybe my temp dip yesterday was implantation, but my further decline this morning pretty much set it in stone that this isn't our cycle. Despite the fact that my temp dipped, again, I still took an HPT. Stark white negative. I didn't even get an evap line.

So now we move onto our next cycle. Doc already made his decision as to what he's tweaking so we'll try again. I know progesterone is being added to the party, but I forgot to ask if he's upping my clomid. Note to self to call on Monday and ask.

Even though we didn't get pregnant this cycle and we won't be welcoming a 3rd generation Leo, I'm trying to find something positive in all this. I guess that would be at least my LP added another day, possibly two. 10/11 isn't fabulous by any means, but at least it's moving in the right direction. Have to try to hold onto that hope right? I guess we will be literally baby stepping it on this process.

I won't try to lie though and act like I'm taking this all so well. There were tears. Many tears in fact. I know everyone says you have to keep positive and keep your eye on the prize, but let me tell you that is way easier said than done. It's hard to keep the Pollyanna approach to this when you literally did everything in your power to make everything align properly and it still didn't work. It's a little defeating and when you already have a pretty rocky relationship with your own body, this just adds a little more fuel to that fire.

We'll keep moving forward though. There are a couple things I am going to tweak on our next cycle and I'm definitely going back to working out. I took a hiatus because my heart just wasn't into it. Hopefully getting back to running will help with the stress and give me an outlet for my emotions. If anything at least I'll lose more weight and be that much healthier for our next baby.

A Dialogue

My doc's office finally called with my progesterone test results.

Nurse: Your levels show that you did ovulate this month, but your progesterone is still on the low side.
Me: Okay
Nurse: So when you get your next cycle give us a call and he'll call in a prescription for clomid and progesterone. Okay?
Me: Um, okay. If we do get pregnant this cycle does he want me to come in for betas?
Nurse: *chirp chirp* Uh, if you do find out you are pregnant this cycle call us immediately because you will need progesterone.

Nice huh? I'm assuming we're onto TTCAL Cycle #2 soon. :sigh:

8DPO Hell

My brain and my heart are having this never ending war right now. My brain is telling me that all my cramps and back pain are my normal AF symptoms and to stop getting my hopes up. My heart though, it's clinging to that hope something fierce. This internal conflict SUCKS! I kind of wish my heart would just stay out of this because it makes this journey even harder. I know my heart is clinging to this because I want to be a mommy more than anything in this world, but it makes the disappointment hit like a ton of bricks.

I know a lot have the attitude that it isn't over until AF shows, but I'm 99.98% sure she's on her nasty way. I have ALL my typical symptoms which is why my brain has said "eff this, we're out this cycle." Heart, please just stay out of this.

Farewell Good Juju

I'm 6DPO and I can safely say my good juju has taken a hiatus. I'm cramping already so I think AF is coming at her normal 9DPO. I started cramping over the weekend and while some would hold onto the hope that it was implantation related, I know it's impossible to have any pregnancy related symptoms that early. I think the Clomid may not have fixed my progesterone issue. Not to mention my typical cramping always starts at this time anyway.

So now I'm anxious for CD1 so we can try again. I'm bummed, I'll admit it, but I think I kin of expected our first cycle to bomb. I tried to hold onto hope that maybe I was always destined to have an August baby, but it's fizzled so hopefully I'll have a September baby. I like sapphires.

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying...

Who didn't love the opening to My Best Friend's Wedding?!

That first line of the song seriously applies to my life right now. That's all I'm doing. Why? Well because...

Yep, I'm 3DPO! Unfortunately I didn't O any earlier this month, but at least I was consistent in O'ing a little later. Gotta hand it to my body being somewhat consistent. Thankfully I got my OPK's that I ordered fairly fast so I was able to monitor for my O without any issues. Whew. Speaking of...

So now we're in our first 2WW (2 week wait) TTCAL. It's driving me nuts already which isn't a good sign. Even though it's impossible my mind is already beginning to over analyze every twinge and think it's due to something good going down. I know, it's impossible to have any type of pregnancy symptom at only 3DPO, but it doesn't stop my warped mind from thinking it. Have to hold onto hope right?

Next week I go in for progesterone testing to see if my levels are good. If  not, we adapt and adjust. I've gotten quite good at that, adapting and adjusting that is. If we are so blessed this month, my due date would be VERY close to my birthday, as in 1 day before. That would be the most amazing birthday present ever!

Yeah, That's Right, Who's The Boss?!?!

Woke up this AM with some pretty craptastic cramps and when I took my OPK, it didn't disappoint. It was almost positive and then tonight, that's what I got. Woot! While I am uber grateful to finally be O'ing, I am a tad disappointed that it wasn't any earlier this month. Hopefully my progesterone will be good though. I can use some good news!

Aren't Drugs Supposed To Help?

I'm on CD17 and so far there is no O in sight. Awesome! I was doing better when I was off the meds. Ugh. I have been testing religiously for the past 7 days and nothing. My lines aren't even getting darker. They got lighter for a while and now they are just in this holding pattern. It's messing with my mind too because I've been having cramps for pretty much all 7 of those days.  I just want to O already and start the misery of the 2 week wait. Come on body, get your shit together!

Frustration Is....

Realizing you have no idea when your body is going to ovulate and you are down to the last few OPK's in your internet cheapie stash. Son of a .....

So needless to say I was on Amazon.com on my lunch hour buying 50 more and hoping they can get here ASAP. I had the option to do fast shipping, but I'm not paying twice the price of the actual tests just to get them here a few days faster. I will just have to stretch out my current stash as long as possible. I know what you're thinking, it's far too early for me to start the OPK game, but that's not necessarily true. Technically I'm only about 7 days early since I normally start on CD15, but I have a feeling my body is going to do it earlier this month. Since I don't know when exactly, it's time to strt the testing game. The last thing I would want to do is wait too long and miss my ovulation. That would royally tick me off!

Clomid, Day 3

Today marks day 3 of my 5 day Clomid cycle. So far so good on the side effects. I was told to take it at night to try to prevent side effects from affecting me too much. That's a great idea...in theory. Of course as luck would have it the only side effect I have so far just wakes me up from a dead sleep, that would be hot flashes. Holy mother of all that is holy they are brutal! I have a new found respect for all women going through menopause because the hot flashes are murder! Other than the hot flashes though, so far no other side effects. I'm trying to not get my hopes up over it since I have heard of women getting them after they complete the 5 day run. That will be my luck. Check back in a week, I very well may be losing my mind over them.

Other than the Clomid, not much to report. I'm still really early in my cycle so things are too crazy yet, but we're getting there! In a few days I'll start the never ending stressing over trying to read my OPK's and after I do ovulate, then it's the REAL stress....the two week wait! Ugh, my weeks just got longer.

TTCAL Cycle #1

Well, AF showed her face yes yesterday so I am on CD2 of TTCAL Cycle #1! I can't even begin to describe how exciting it is to finally be able to try again. The waiting was driving me absolutely nuts. It's one thing to be caught in the 2 week wait and over analyzing every twinge in your uterus. It's a complete other to be put on a hold that you have no clue when you will be taken off of. That's murder right there.

So what's the game plan? Well, on Tuesday I start my Clomid and we go from there. The doc did say it could potentially move my O date up from CD19, which would be awesome. He's also going to run blood tests and monitor me to make sure my ovaries respond well, but don't go BSC and drop 86 eggs. He also wants to see if my progesterone is good after I O. If not, we adjust. I will admit it is a tad overwhelming to go down the assistance route. There is so much testing and tracking and monitoring that is going on. It's not just a "hey babe, you in the mood?" type of thing. There are doctors involved and I'll be honest, a few more people than I would like are well aware of when sexy time goes down. Not to mention, this is a road that once you get on it, there really is no exit off. You really have to commit to doing whatever you have to, which I am.

To say that things are about to get crazy is an understatement. Only I would choose to start this endeavor right around the holidays, but after waiting and waiting, I'm just ready to go! I am hopeful and excited and just a tiny bit scared. I am trying to stay focused and not get too wrapped up in the "it's going to be THIS cycle," but there is a part of me that would love for #1 to be our winner (who wouldn't). So, fingers crossed everyone that T and I are so blessed with one, or maybe even two, healthy babies soon!

Almost Time!

I am currently 5DPO and nearing the end of our LAST TTA cycle! Ahhh!! I'm thrilled, anxious, nervous and about 400 other emotions. I have my prescription all filled and sitting on my counter ready to go. I'm on pins and needles about taking it just because I'm scared of potential side effects, but I was told I could take it at night to help reduce the effect of the side effects, since I'll be sleeping after all. I will say a couple things about this cycle, my temps were WAY lower than normal, but I figure the fact that it's really cooling down at night is affecting it. My OPK's were also a lot of fun because they were up and down. They'd get darker, then lighter, then darker. Check it out...

I'm not sure WTF is up with CD18. It was very borderline and normally I would consider it a negative, but then I got a mad positive on CD19 in the  morning so I figured I would just count it as positive. It doesn't really matter either way as marking it negative didn't affect my crosshairs or anything. So I'm leaving it as positive.

Based on history, CD1 should be in about 5 days so after almost 8 months and 7 long cycles later, we will FINALLY be trying!! Fingers crossed!

I Was Due....Today

“Every so often we long to steal
To the land of what might have been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in…”

Today was Spawn’s due date. Today I should have been getting excited and thrilled to meet our little one. Today I should be on maternity leave and frantically cleaning the house to make sure it’s spotless. Today I should be washing the final loads of baby clothes and double/triple checking the hospital bag. Today should be very different.

All it takes is faith and trust...

And just a little pixie dust…

If my life were a Disney film, it would be Peter Pan and I would be Wendy. Not because of my age, lord knows I have a few years on that girl, but because much like Wendy, all it sometimes takes is a Peter Pan and Tinkerbell to take your life to where you’ve always dreamed about.

A few weeks ago I was completely defeated and trying to come to terms with letting go of my “Neverland.” A thought that took my very breath away, but was something that I knew I had to do. Thankfully, my “Lost Boys” didn’t stop believing. My Mom contacted every one she could think of. She exhausted all her avenues and called in every favor humanly possible to find an OB who could help me. There had to be one right? She had all her contacts working double time to come up with a list of OB’s who have experience with IF. And they did.

Today I had a meeting with my Peter Pan. I had my copies of my chart from my last OB. I had all my monthly charts printed out and ready to go. I highlighted stuff. I tabbed stuff. I had everything together in a sweet little bad news filled package. The entire morning I felt like I was going to vomit and by the time I got to his office my anxiety was through the roof. I so badly wanted to get excited and hopeful, but after having my Mr. Darling (aka reality) slap me down repeatedly, I tried to keep straight.

We were called back to an exam room and went over all the goods with the nurse. Typical medical history stuff (thank god my Mom was there, so many things I never thought to mention with my family history) and I handed her all my info. I think she was a bit taken back by the data I had. I knew it came across a little OCD, but she acknowledged that if I was willing to be that diligent with my data collection, she knew I would be that diligent with doing whatever it took to get pregnant. She politely excused herself and took all my information to the doctor to review.

It felt like forever in that room honestly. My legs were bouncing, I couldn’t sit still and I was just waiting for him to drop the hammer. My Mom was optimistic though. She’s good for that. Finally the nurse came back and lead us to the doctor’s office. I always imagined Peter Pan as a young boy wearing a green leotard. Nope. He’s an older gentleman with a mustache and wears a white coat. I don’t remember every word, but basically the jist is, I do have a luteal phase defect. So much information was thrown my direction and he went over practically every single part of the woman’s cycle and where mine is messed up.

The meeting was wonderful. To have a doctor sit there and tell you that you aren’t crazy and that everything you were thinking was right is amazing. My last doctor honestly made me feel nuts. Like I was looking too much into everything. Trust me, I’m not so desperate to be on the infertile team that I would make this up. I would LOVE to be able to do this on my own. Believe me. He admitted, it wouldn’t play out that way. My body needs a little help.

By the end of the conversation we had a game plan. Something I thought I wasn’t going to ever have. Since I have a history of PCOS, he thinks my ovaries are the issue. That they aren’t quite doing what they should be doing, so he’s going to give them a little help in the form of Clomid. This cycle is obviously shot since I’m too far into it, but next cycle, IT IS ON. I have my instructions on when I’m supposed to take it and when I need to come back for testing and all that jazz. He’s hoping that the Clomid will fix the problem, but he’s going to do his due diligence and run the appropriate tests to ensure it’s doing what it should. If not, he’s going to tweak it. He was honest, it might take us some time to get there, but he was confident we would get there.

I left his office smiling and with hope. On my ride back to my office everything started to hit me and the water works started. I have so badly wanted this for so long and to finally feel like it’s going to be a reality is so overwhelming. In a good way of course. So this is officially our LAST TTA cycle. When CD1 comes, we will finally be TTCAL.

DIY Capiz Chandlier: It's Done!

After months of working on it, it's finally DONE! I have to admit it, I LOVE it! I was concerned that I wouldn't like it because I really did start to loathe this project, but now that it's up and all done, I'm so in love with it and SO glad I stuck it out! I finished it this morning and thankfully T is a good sport, so he took down the original light and put up the replacement light. The replacement is actually just a simple plain bulb light. I forgot to take a picture from underneath, but the "capiz" fixture just rests around it. It's hung on hooks and these staple things.

Now that it's done, allow me to pass a good tip on how to make this project go faster and smoother. Since I hot glued my shells to the fishing wire, it took FOREVER to attach each shell. Thankfully on Friday night I found a new way of attaching them and I so wish I would have found it earlier. It made the process go super fast. I would tape the fishing wire to my counter and slide the "shells" underneath it. I would move them around and play with the layout until I found the layout I wanted. I would do 5 strands at a time. Then I would go with my hot glue gun and dab little beads of glue on each shell and move on. In the time it would take me to do one strand normally, I was able to kick out 5. By the time I put the last drop of glue on the final shell, the first strand was usually dry so I could pull them up and start over. I was able to finish about 40 strands of shells while I watched The Wizard of Oz on my iPad!

After I finished it all, I did the math to figure out how many shells were made. I ended up cutting and attaching 1,197 shells. I about fell over when I found that out. I knew that it was a lot of them, but when I actually did the math and found out exactly how many it was I was really surprised. This project ultimately cost me about $25 which isn't too bad and I have many intentions of leaving it up for many years to come. I figured any project that I invest that many hours into is going to stay up for

quite some time.

Original light.

New Light -- Off

New Light -- On

Moving On...

I wish I could post some good news. That I called our insurance company and they told me we have amazing fertility assistance coverage and that everything would be covered. That I then found a wonderful RE who has great results and we were able to get an appointment and we're hopeful and excited. I can't.

We have ZERO fertility assistance coverage. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Medications aren't even covered. If we want to pursue finding an RE and trying to make this happen it will be 100% out of pocket and that's something we just can't do right now. Realizing that was so defeating and devastating. My whole life I have worked towards this goal of having a big family. I would give my left arm just to have ONE healthy child. I don't even need a pair. I'll be happy with one. Growing up I always said I would never have an only child. Now I would gladly sign in blood to have that arrangement.

Realizing that fertility assistance might not be in the cards at this time I turned to other options, like adoption. T and I had talked about it before and are both open to the idea. My goal is to be a mom, not just pregnant. I know in my heart I could love an adopted child as much as a biological child. It takes a hell of a lot more than genetics to make a parent and family. I know people who would say they just couldn't love an adopted child the same. These people are also people who haven't encountered any fertility struggles. When you have a dream, like being a parent, you begin to look at the big picture. I want to be a mom. Whether my child grows in my heart or my womb, that child would be MINE.

Sadly, adoption isn't much of an option either. The fees associated with it are breath taking and it too has it's own emotional roller coaster. One that I don't think I'm mentally sound enough to get on at this point. Maybe someday, just not today. So where does that leave us? Just us. For right now it's going to be just us. I'm considering taking a break from temping and charting and just go back to living my life. Maybe we'll get a miracle and conceive a child and I'll actually be able to carry him/her to term. Or maybe an opportunity to adopt will present itself. Or maybe it's just not in our cards. All I know is mentally I'm not in a good place at all. The up's and down's of everything has weighed me down so much and I really need to try to get centered again. For now, no more posts about cycles or charting or OPK's. No more baby planning or dreaming about what could be. I have held everything in for so long and I've reached my breaking point.

The best part of this....today is CD1...

Square One...

I will preface this post with a warning that I'm pretty much an emotional basket case right now. It'll probably jump around and make no sense, but it's important to me to actually document what this roller coaster from hell is actually like.

I got my "results" back today. I use that term loosely because the "results" aren't accurate. Come to find out my progesterone tests were not being done at the accurate point in my cycle. While I thought these last two "testing" cycles were to figure out the problem so we could attack it, they were in reality just another two months wasted. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. The whole "CD21" test is actually more of a term. It just means 7DPO. Not exactly CD21. So when my doc was having my testing done on exactly CD21, it wasn't giving accurate results. The "results" were that I didn't ovulate. Despite my positive OPK's and clear thermal shift, I didn't actually do it. Or if I did, the egg wasn't any good.

I did my absolute best on the phone to not flip out and yell at the poor assistant, but towards the end I think she figured out I was upset since I was crying by that point. Where do we go from here? We start over. I am today sadly at the exact same spot I was months ago after our loss. That point is no more closer to being a mom. To say it's devastating is the understatement of the century. Sure, it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you are the one riding this emotional roller coaster and trying your best to hang onto your sanity, even the smallest bumps feel like an earthquake.

So, the game plan that I'm putting into effect starts with a call to our insurance company tomorrow. I am going to find out what our benefits are for infertility assistance and plan allowing, will try to find an RE. I don't need an OB at this point. I'm not pregnant. I need someone who deals with these issues every day and will do the correct testing at the correct time and come up with a plan for us. Will I go back to my OB once I am pregnant? I don't know. I loved her and she was so nice, but it's a bit scary how little she knew about these issues and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with putting the life of my unborn child in her hands. We'll see.

I super hope that things can start to go smoothly because I'm pretty maxed out at this point.

Testing, Family & Cleaning...

Testing...

2nd progesterone draw was on Friday. Once again the phlebotomist ignored the directions that she told me to give to her (butterfly in the right arm) and used the regular needle and went into my left. I'm used to her ignoring me at this point since I've had a dozen blood draws from her. As every other time, she lost my vein and had to fish. On Friday my arm was looking pretty banged up, but it doesn't look so bad today. I'm anxious for these results because in theory my doc will make a decision once they are back. I'm just hoping we can get back to TTCAL soon! If all goes well, we could possibly have an August baby which would be hilarious because that would be a 3rd generation August birthday in my immediate family alone (my dad is 1 week before me.) My family has a butt ton of August birthdays, so one more would be cool.

Family...

My sister had my nephew Thursday and I am happy to report he is doing well, as is she. He was smaller then predicted at 8 lbs, 12 oz & 19.5 inches long. Sure he's a big boy, but they were guesstimating him at over 9 pounds! My mom has been texting me a butt ton of pics and he's ADORABLE! I won't be posting any pics since it's rude to post pics of someone else's kid without asking them and I don't want my family to know about this blog just yet. Maybe someday, but not today. For now, it's for me. They were released today and are now at home adjusting. My mom thinks he's going to be a screamer like my sister, but hopefully  he'll mellow out. If kids act like you though when you were a kid, I'm stoked because I was an AWESOME baby! I slept...a lot. Not much has changed actually...

Cleaning...

I finally got around to doing my big green cleaning session and I'm here to tell you, I'm NEVER going back. I will admit, shamefully, that I did use windex. Only because I forgot to bookmark the recipe I found and didn't feel like searching for it when I was already cleaning. I did use the general surface cleaner and the floor cleaner and OMG love them! I also used a recipe I found for toilet bowl cleaner. It's baking soda, olive oil & a few drops of essential oil. Worked wonderfully and it makes me feel so much better knowing if my dogs were to sneak a drink they'd be okay. Normally we keep all the lids closed, but sometimes you forget if you are in a hurry or it's the middle of the night.

The surface cleaner was awesome and so simple to make. I will admit it did make everything smell like vinegar when I was wiping them, but once they dried, you couldn't smell the vinegar at all. Even T said he couldn't smell it. I would just spray it on the counter or sink and wipe with a cloth. I also followed it up with a soft dry cloth to prevent the solution from staying on the surface too long. Not that it's horrible and going to eat at your stuff, but vinegar is pretty acidic and considering the essential oil I used was lemon, that's quite a bit going on. So I played it a bit safe.

I also used vinegar in my mopping session and I'm telling you, I'm throwing every other stupid mop OUT! I'll keep my steam mop for those quick "oh shit" moments, but the Clorox and Swiffer wet jet are not allowed in this home. My new mop worked wonderfully and my floors are literally squeaky clean. The floor cleaner is simply hot water, vinegar, baking soda & a few drops of essential oil (lemon again since it's the only one I'll use.) Bit of advice, when you are making the cleaning solution, fill your bucket maybe 1/4 of the way with the hot water, add the baking soda and the vinegar and the essential oils. I'm only saying this because baking soda and vinegar don't play well together so they do that awesome volcano explosion action. Cool to look at, but had I not left my water level low, it would have been messy. After the fizzy dies down fill the rest of the bucket up to about 3/4 full.

I know a lot of people are anti old school mopping, but I'm here to tell you if you do it right it's a million times better than the stupid "quick" mops. Trust me. I'm mad OCD about germs (like actually diagnosed by a medical professional who spent many years studying psychology.) I know a lot of the arguments are you are just using dirty water or takes your floors too long to dry and if those are your arguments, you are mopping wrong. It's easy to do it wrong honestly. My mopping sessions are a crap ton faster with an actual mop & bucket then they are with the Clorox/Swiffer mops. I follow the same patter every time, sweep the floor, do the baseboards then the floor. I always change the water between rooms and even multiple times when mopping large areas like the kitchen. I know some hate pouring the water in their bathtub or sink, but both are always the last to get cleaned in this house so it's no big deal to me. Not to mention, it's water, vinegar, baking soda and some oils, not exactly harsh on the drain.

If you find your floors take too long to dry, then you are using too much water. The goal is to get a good mop that you can squeeze the water out of. Your actual mop head should be damp, not soaking wet. I squeeze mine out a few times so when I have to put elbow grease into it the water doesn't come flowing from the mop. My floors dry really fast and by the time I'm done mopping the next room, the first one is completely dry. I also wear socks when I mop. When your floor is damp the dirt from your feet is going to stick to it like a SOB. It also prevents slipping if you are wearing the right socks. For me, I wear white so I can do the white sock test to see if I missed a spot. Another thing, the mop I got isn't a square mop so I was able to get it into those hard to reach spots behind the toilets with no problems. Using the other crappy ones, or even a square mop I had to rock the old school hands and knees. So I wasn't feeling as sore after this session.

I was successfully able to deep clean the kitchen, all three bathrooms and the foyer in about 45 min from start to finish. Not too shabby, then again I have cleaning down to a science from doing it so much. Next on my agenda is to come up with a good carpet solution for those dirty spots (thank you doggies!) and help with the smells. Eventually all carpet will be removed from my house with the exception of the theater (for sound control), but for now I have to deal with it. Let me tell you, when you have OCD about germs, carpet is the WORST thing to have because it's never really "clean." No matter how good your vacuum is, dirt gets caught in the fibers. I also found a few good tips to help with the air quality in your home, so some plants will be moving in.

All in all I'm really pleased with the transition into green cleaning and now that I've seen the results, I'm really confident this is going to be a permanent change.

Lots

I'm lazy so I'm covering a lot of topics in one post.

DIY Projects:

1. Dry Erase Board. While perusing my new love Pinterest, I came across this wicked cute idea. I had most of the supplies on hand so all I needed to get was some fabric and some dry erase markers. I ended up spending less than $5 to accomplish this thanks to the awesome fabric find that my mom found at Joann's during our way too long fabric hunt. I'm pleased with the final product despite the lovely burn I have on my right arm from the iron. Apparently my iron heats up FAST! I was in the laundry room doing laundry and wasn't paying attention since I had just turned on my iron, yeah it was HOT.

2. Mirror. I mentioned in a prior post that I bought a new mirror at Ikea that I had been lusting after. I hated the black color so my original idea was white. T painted it and I ended up hating it. So we painted it a pretty bold, but gorgeous color. I am waiting to post it until I have it up on the wall because without it being in place you won't appreciate it's full awesome factor.

Mirror Before

First After

 3. Capiz Chandelier. Still chugging along with it. It's taking a hella long time and is so frustrating and the worst part is I'm not falling in love with it. The more I work on it, the more aggravated I get with it causing me to despise it. After I finish it (this month!) we will hang it in the laundry room until I make my decision if I like it. If I don't, it will stay in the laundry room and I'll do something else for the dining room. I want to love it, so we'll see.

4. Curtains. I have recruited my mom to help me with new curtains for our sliding glass door. When we painted, actually when my dad and T painted and I watched, our much hated vertical blinds bit it so we had to do a quick solution. The curtains I had hanging above my windows became our sliding glass door curtains. They aren't long enough, they don't match and I hate them. Thanks to Pinterest (T is really beginning to hate that website) I found the PERFECT curtains. You'll have to wait and see!

Going Green Update

So I slept on the linens and are happy to report NO reaction. In fact, they were SO soft. Much like my clothes, they didn't have much of a smell, so that wasn't a problem either. T has officially given me the okay to wash his uniforms in it as well! That'll be this weekend, so wish me luck.

Baby Front

We're as close today as we were on March 20th to being parents. I had to call this afternoon to verify my blood draw for Friday, which I'm not at all looking forward to. The phlebotomist sucks, there are usually tons of pregnant women there and for some reason I always feel like I have to rehash my entire history with the staff. Why they can't just read my chart is beyond me. Hopefully we'll have a game plan soon that won't involve anymore testing because that would just royally piss me off. We are now over 6 months post m/c and still don't have the green light. I'm over it really! I'm trying to stay positive and distracted and it works, sometimes, but the closer I get to my original due date, the harder it is to stay distracted. I really hate that I thought I would be pregnant again by November 1st. Who knows if we'll even have a plan by then.

Going Green: The Dirt on Laundry

Unfortunately, I did not acccomplish my goal of a big green cleaning session on Saturday night. Due to my own poor time management (aka, stayed up too late Friday night playing The Sims 3) I was dead tired by Saturday evening so it didn't go down. I did however, do my laundry! I went into the laundry with high hopes that it would be a success and it was!

First up was our bed linens. I had to wash the sheets, the quilt and our uber soft white blanket. For these I did do 2 scoops because normally I have to use the large portion of detergent and I wasn't sure what I was going to have to do with the DIY stuff. Everything came out smelling fresh, not scented, but fresh. It all passed the soft test, nothing felt scratchy and our white blanket ended up coming out REALLY bright. That was a big and pleasant surprise. Since we've had it for like 3 years now, it has become a really dull cream color. When I pulled it out of the dryer, it was fluffy, soft and really bright. I'll have to report back with how they do on the sleep test since I obviously haven't slept on them yet.

I didn't do T's uniforms in it only because I wasn't sure how it would turn out and there was NO way I was going to risk $500 in uniforms being jacked up so they got the old stuff. Everything else got the new detergent, 1 scoop each load, and so far everything seems fine. My clothes feel soft, the whites are SUPER bright. Most of my colors seem okay, but since they are all pretty faded they didn't come out nearly as bright as my whites. I'm actually wearing some of the stuff washed in the new detergent and I don't notice much of a difference which I consider to be a success. I have super sensitive skin and I'm not having an itchy feelings or such.

Eventually I would like to try switching T's uniforms to the new stuff, but I'm going to give the DIY goods a few more shots before I make the change. The only thing that is a bit of a change is the lack of smell. Normally my clothes smell like whatever detergent or dryer sheets I'm using. After being out of the dryer for a couple hours, my clothes don't smell like anything. That's a bummer just cause I got so used to that Mountain Fresh type smell, but I'm sure I'll be happier with this.

On the other DIY front, I have A LOT going on and A LOT planned. To try to keep my expenses at bay, I'm going to do a list of what tasks I want to accomplish each month and my budget for them. If I am planning something big, obviously the other small ones will have to wait, but I'll report on that later. For now, it's off to bed to test out the linens.

Going Green: Laundry Detergent

For anyone who is interested, here is where I got the recipe. I'm not going to pretend like I'm the creative cleaning goddess who came up with it, hell, I'm lucky I even figured out how to work the washer.

By the time I got home last night, I was tired and really didn't want to tackle making my cleaning products, but I forced myself to at least make the laundry detergent. Since we are out I figured I better have it on stand by. Shockingly, it wasn't a total disaster. I will say next time I'm going to try a different soap instead of the fels-naptha. Only because by the time I was done grating it, I could barely stand the smell of it. That oh so pretty scent became stomach churning after breathing it in for a few minutes.

If you have ever wanted to make your own laundry detergent, but thought it would be too hard to, or too time consuming, I assure you it isn't. It's so easy I could do it. It's pretty much like a 5 step process:

1. Grate a bar of soap
2. Pour said soap into a jar
3. Add 1 cup Borax
4. Add 1 cup washing soada
5. Mix

  

  

As far as scent goes, it really doesn't have much of one which is nice and from what I've read your clothes don't really end up having one. I haven't washed any clothes yet, so I'll have to report back on how they feel/smell once they are washed.  Laundry detergent aside, I do think I might have a problem kicking my clorox wipe habit. Last night while I was brushing my teeth I grabbed one and was wiping down the counters and all I could think was "it's going to be such a pain in the ass to have to spray and then wipe." Hoping that changes with my super cleaning session this weekend!

Going Green: Price Check!

Let me preface this by saying had I done my research (which we all know I suck at) I probably could have saved a lot more money, but couponing and shopping smart is a whole other transformation that needs to occur.

So on my way home from work last night I stopped at the store to get my groceries and my aresnal of green cleaning products. It was actually kind of fun looking for them. It was like a grown up version  of a treasure hunt because quite honestly, finding some of these items was a bit tricky as the stores have them hidden in the little crevices. Smart ones they are.

Due to my lovely OCD, I ended up purchasing things you probably don't have to, but there was NO way I was mixing uses. Like measuring cups, spoons, cheese grater, etc. Despite having all those items in my home, I opted to buy new ones specific to cleaning products. I also had to buy another mop since my Clorox Ready Mop ate it. Speaking of the Clorox Ready Mop, can I just express how much of a rip off  that thing is?! the pads don't pick up nearly what they should. The cleaning solution barely spreads on the floor and smells a wee bit funky. The mop itself is SO flimsy and barely "mopping" my kitchen floor I ended up snapping the handle. I tried taping it back together, but that went over like a lead balloon. So yeah, totally done with that!

I opted for the "Wonder Mop" since you can take the mop head off and wash it in the washing machine. Score! Not to mention with it not being the traditional square sponge, I can go back to wiping the baseboards down again with it. Yay! My back is already rejoincing over this decision. It's also VERY sturdy (I can neither confirm nor deny my testing it out in the grocery store.) I need something that I can put my elbow grease into and it's not going to snap and cause a plethora of vulgar words to spew from my mouth.

Anygerms, back to what I was saying. I ended up spending a total of $51.31 on my cleaning products. Again, this includes a couple itms you may not need to purchase. Taking out my mop and my not really needed, but bought due to my OCD items, I spent $26.51 on the actual cleaning supplies. Not bad! Unfortunately, there are some items you are going to pay a little more than necessary. Like extra light olive oil, $6.99 for a small cheap brand bottle! Oy vey. I also bought a big bottle of vinegar since it's being used in multiple capacities. Taking into account the recipes that I will be using, these supplies will last roughtly 2-6 months. Obviously the vinegar and baking soda will go faster, but the borax and olive oil should last closer to 6 months.

Trying to prove my savings, I also wrote down how much the original cleaning items I would buy were. I was appaled at what I actually spent on cleaning products & laundy detergent. I actually spent up to $60 a month on cleaning stuff! Just to have a clean home & clean clothes! I might as well of hired a cleaning lady! Switching to laundry detergent alone is massive savings! A box of our old detergent was about $16 on sale. The three products to make my detergent were only $11.56 and I bought enough of it that it should last a couple months. Our original detergent would last us a month (if we were lucky.) So I'm sold on this. Haven't even started and I'm sold.

Tonight's game plan is mixing up a couple of my cleaners and my laundry detergent. I'm actually excited to try them out! This weekend I'm going to try to get some essential oils to make things a little less vinegar smelling and have a full on cleaning session this Saturday night. It's sad how excited I am about this! I do know that for a while, while we are transitioning, I will continue to use some of the old products I had. I already spent the money, so I'm not going to waste them. I'll still use the Clorox wipes to wipe down the bathroom counter every night. I'll still use my toilet bowl cleaner and the like. Once they are gone, they are gone though. I'm determined to make this change!

Going Green: I’m Gonna Make A Change…

There is a huge “Green” movement going on right now. Suddenly everyone is all concerned about Mother Earth and how our waste and treatment of this planet is destroying it. Duh. I think humanity is about a day late and a dollar short, but I respect what people are trying to do. Companies have jumped in on that too! You have organic fruits & veggies in the produce section of your store. You have cleaning products that are “greener” and pretty much just about anything else you could imagine.

Personally, I’m not much of a follower as far as trends and fads go and tend to be on the front of them (like my cutting my denim skirt shorter and all the girls at school telling me the fraying was hideous and one year later buying skirts with said fraying.) So my jumping in on this “Green” thing really has nothing to do with our lovely planet (sorry Mother Earth!) It is 100% due to my OCD.

I have OCD (diagnosed too!) and my big thing is germs. I loathe them with a passion. I am constantly using hand sanitizer or wiping things down. I refuse to share my chapstick and when my own husband asks for a drink of my water I cringe. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It’s actually been a long standing joke in my family. The thing is, OCD really isn’t funny and neither are the consequences of having it. Often times, my hands are cracking and bleeding due to excessive washing. I have gotten out of bed in the middle of the night because I felt dirty and needed to clean up leaving me exhausted and sleep deprived. If I just washed my hands, I won’t pet our animals for fear of germs. The older I get, the worse my OCD gets.

My irrational fear of germs has lead me to wiping things down constantly. In doing this, I am exposing not only myself, but my entire household to the harsh chemicals inside cleaning products on a regular basis! I’m not sure if you have ever read the back of your Windex bottle or your toilet bowl cleaner, but there is some scary stuff in there. I had no idea! I never thought the very products I am using to protect me from getting sick are the same products that are making me feel as bad as I do. The sore throats, the runny nose, the headaches, the burning sensation on my skin, the list goes on. I didn’t once think it could be the cleaning products, until I did my research.

I’ll be honest; I’m not much a researcher and I pretty much always bought cleaning products based on their commercials. If I liked the commercial, chances are I would like the product. So I really had no idea what I was bringing into my home. When I started finding other people out there who were having the same issues as me, it scared the crap out of me. If it was making ME feel this bad, what could it do to my animals? Or worse, our future children! I decided we had to make a change. My OCD is never going to go away, so I needed to find a safer way to work around it, insert greener cleaners.

I’m not just talking Eco-Friendly Mr. Clean; I’m talking vinegar and water. There are so many natural products that do the exact same thing as the name brand cleaners, just without the dye or the harsh chemicals. As a society we have been brainwashed into thinking we had to get these lemon and pine scented products or our home was dirty. I have found that simply isn’t true. There are TONS of recipes out there to make the same cleaning products you use, with materials you more than likely already having in your home! So I’m hooked.

I went over things with T last night and he looked at me like I had 6 heads. I’ll admit, the whole going “green” thing does seem a bit out of no where, but aren’t most great ideas? I’m going to start simple. I am going to make my own general cleaner (for counters & floors), a glass cleaner (we have tons of mirrors) and our own laundry detergent. As luck would have it, we’re out so figured now is a great time to make that switch as well. Eventually I would like to make my own dishwasher detergent, but I still have 3 boxes of it and since it doesn’t come into contact with my skin, I figured it would be safe to use for a while longer. There are a couple other things I would like to change too (like our air fresheners!), but I’m baby stepping this. I need to be realistic.

Another huge perk to doing this, we’re going to save a butt ton of money. Since I am an anti-germ freak, we buy cleaning products on the regular. At any given time I have at LEAST 2 bottles of window cleaner, 3 bottles of toilet bowl cleaner, 1 bottle of soft scrub, 1 can oven cleaner, 3 packs of Clorox (or cheaper brand) wipes, 2 cans of endust, 1 container of pine sol and a few others that aren’t coming to mind this second. Crazy huh? At $2-5 per bottle/can for these items, I would say we easily spend upwards of $50 a month just in cleaning products. So it’ll be nice to have some extra $$ back in our pocket. Initially it’ll be a bit pricy to buy the new containers and rags, mop, bucket (yep, going back to the OG mop) and everything else, but in the long run it’ll be a huge money saver for us.

I’ll keep you updated to how the adjustment is going and what financial/physical effect it is having. I’m hoping that in a month we’ll really start seeing all the positive results from this switch and be able to make more.

DIY Capiz Chandelier: Mmm, These Words Taste Good

I'm not going to lie, this project SUCKS! When I originally found this I thought for sure I could pull it off. It looked uber easy, so I foolishly thought "how hard could it be?" Okay, it's not hard, but omg it is so time consuming!!! When I'm done with it, it had better rock my world!

Anyshells, after a few weekends off due to AC issues and personal reasons, I finally got back to work on it on Sunday at about 7 am. I actually kicked out quite a few of the longer strands, which just so happen to be the ones who make me want to run head first into a wall! Currently, my chandi has 4 "rows" of shells at 5, 7, 9, & 11 long. The 11 long ones make me hostile to work on just because they become difficult to manage. Another pain to deal with is trying to attach them only because my frame isn't hanging on anything to keep the strands straight, I'm trying to work with it resting on the counter which is practically impossible. I'm thinking I need to Polish rig this bad boy this weekend so it's not so hard to attach them.

To keep you up to date here are a couple pictures of the current status of my chandi and the workstation in which I am trying to work with. No criticisms please, I'm working on multiple projects at once so work space is a bit tight!

  

Speaking of other projects...I went to Ikea on Saturday with my parents and bought a couple items for the casa which I'm stoked about! One of them was a mirror that I have been lusting after since I saw it. Not exactly a fan of the color, but I'm working on that! I'm not going wild and crazy, just making it a little more....us. Stay tuned!

We Wait....Longer...

Got my test results from my doc's office today, my progesterone is low. While I wasn't shocked, actually hearing it still stung. I was secretly hoping they would call me and tell me I'm a hypochondriac and I was fine, but they didn't. So now we wait...longer. They are doing a repeat again this cycle to see where the numbers come back and we'll go from there. T and I will be avoiding during this time which doesn't exactly thrill me, but it is what it is. I'm going to try to find something to focus on during this time to keep me distracted which will be next to impossible since my sis is having my nephew in just over 2 weeks. I'm so thrilled for her, but I'll be honest and say I'm so green eyed with jealousy right now it's not even funny. I try to keep that irrational side calm, but it's hard, like today's breakdown. Yeah, totally did the crying "why me" with T tonight. Like a good hubby he stood and smiled and let me vent. Of course he has to remind me that it's not as bad in reality like it is in my head which usually just pisses me off more, but that's only because he's right. In the grand scheme of things waiting 30 or so more days isn't that bad and provided it leads to the ultimate goal of having a successful pregnancy and child.

So my goal is to set some goals for this time frame to keep me from passing over to the completely irrational side permanently. I'm going to try to be realistic (haha) and focus on getting healthier and doing some more stuff around this house. Or I could just focus on not driving my husband absolutely BSC over the next 30 days, but that's like next to impossible so not sure it's the best goal for me to set. We'll see. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and not be so damn pessimistic and depressing.

Still Holding On...

Apparently the 11 day LP thing was a fluke. We're going to hold for the test results. I REALLY hate that I let myself get excited last cycle thinking things were going to look up. FML.

I'm Back!

It's been a pretty hectic week around this house and this is actually the first time I've had my computer on in over a week!!!

Lets start with the beginning, last Saturday we painted! My dad came over and helped T and I paint a few walls downstairs. It was a lot of fun, we learned a lot and I am in love with the color! I'll have to take some pics to post. The day was going so well and we were in such a great mood and then tragedy struck. Around 9 pm we noticed our AC started making some weird noises and almost as quickly as they started, they stopped...as did our AC. Yep, in the great state of AZ our AC died! It was hell, literally.

Of course since we have all the luck, the guy couldn't fix it until AFTER the holiday weekend. When Tuesday came, we still couldn't get it fixed. I was borderline psychotic at this point. The temp in the house was out of control. I'm not talking a warm temp, I'm talking take your breath away.

Even in the morning it was terrible. Thankfully we were able to get 2 portable air conditioners, 1 from my in-laws, 1 from my parents. Without those we would have died. We were so excited when they finally fixed our AC on Wednesday. It's been lovely ever since!

Of course, during the god awful heat issue in the house my body decides to O. Awesome. Using the OPK's wasn't too bad, despite my bathroom feeling like a sauna, my body temps though were all over the map.

I'll be curious to see what FF does with my crosshairs since my temps do not correspond with my OPK's. Time will tell. Speaking of the baby front, I had my blood drawn today to check my progesterone. I'm anxious to see what the results are as it will impact when we do decide to start trying again. I'm thinking that our go date will be soon! [insert excited squeal here]

DIY Capiz Chandelier: The Little Light That Could

Being a first time home buyer, I made the HUGE mistake of impulse buying. Instead of taking my time to decide on what I really want, I just went with what I thought was cool...at that moment. Hence, the lighting downstairs that I've grown to loathe. There is nothing wrong with the lights per say, they are just not at all near what I want. For months now I have obsessed about getting a new light for the dining room. Since I have an open floor plan you can see the dining room from the kitchen and living room which means I see that light ALL THE TIME!

A few months ago I told T I wanted new lights. Since he originally told me to take my time to decide and I still impulse bought, he wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea of getting new lights. I kept putting the new dining room light on the back burner month after month. I tried to see his side. They worked and there wasn't anything wrong with them. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so basically said we're getting a new light, period. After searching and searching and doing my best to combine our styles, I found this one from West Elm.

I loved the light and T actually didn't hate it! SCORE! Well, until he saw the price, a hefty $269. Yeah, didn't like the light anymore. I can't say that I blame him, $269 for a light seems a bit steep. Yes, it is gorgeous and I would have loved to have it in my home, but not for $269 bells. I was just about defeated when I turned to my best friend, Pinterest and found this tutorial. It didn't look too hard so I figured I would tackle it and not to mention if it worked, I would save over $200!! So I got my supplies!

Circle cutter, check. A wreath frame spray painted white, check. Wax paper faux shells, check. I'll be honest with you, ironing the wax paper and actually cutting out the shells was a serious pain in my ass! My OCD side wanted to iron out every little air bubble, but you can't. The air bubbles and imperfections are what makes each "shell" unique like real ones. Cutting the shells was definitely a trial and error process. The tutorial I found said 2 inches, but that just seemed way too big for my taste so I tried a bunch of different sizes. 1.5 inches ended up being my winner.

Making the strand of shells was also a bit of trial and error process. I messed around with spacing and overlapping and butting them one against another before I decided on a slight overlap. It's definitely a personal preference. Since you can somewhat see the hot glue through the "shells," I wanted the overlap to help hide that. It does work. Attaching the strand of shells to the metal frame about made me throw the towel in on this project. I wanted to hot glue them to the metal, but hot glue doesn't exactly cling to metal very well. I got about three strands in before the first one fell off. I quickly realized I needed a more sturdy option so I opted to leave my fishing wire long at the top so I can tie them to the frame. That works MUCH better.

I would love to say that I'm done with this project, but I'm not. In fact, I'm no where near close to done, yet I'm determined to finish this. It's taking me longer just because of the size of my light. I'm sure if I went smaller it would go a lot faster and if I wasn't so OCD about it, but I would rather do it right the first time. I'm not sure if I love it quite yet, but it's definitely starting to take shape. Stay tuned!