Uh...Hi?

Long time no post, eh?

I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.

Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.

Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.

I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.

Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....

Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.

I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.

I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.

Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.

2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.

Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.

That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.

T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.

Why?

Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.

Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.

If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.

Up In Flames

**This post is rate R due to strong language. Reading discretion is advised**

To celebrate CD1 I figured I'd come out of my lack of blogging corner and let y'all know just how awesome my first Femara cycle was.

That was sarcasm. This cycle sucked.

I just felt like my body said "Fuck you" over and over and over. Like a broken record.

First up was my baseline u/s on 5/2. We learned that my ovaries were looking nice and fucked up as ever. Despite that Dr. Magneto felt it was okay to proceed with Femara. Sweet.

Second, fuck everyone who says Femara doesn't have side effects. Like seriously. FUCK YOU. It wasn't Clomid bad, but it wasn't exactly the easiest medication to be on. I thought for sure my right ovary had developed like a hundred cysts with how bad my cramping was.

Third, my follow up u/s. It was on 5/16 and was supposed to be the day we triggered. Of course my ovaries weren't quite there yet. Why would they be? That would be helpful. Either way, I was surprised to learn that my right ovary only had 1 follie measuring 18mm (cramps said freaking otherwise) and 1 follie on my left measuring 13mm. They weren't unhappy with the results, just not really happy. It was okay, they decided to push my trigger back a couple of days to allow them a few more days. No biggie right?

Well of course my body would NEVER do what it's supposed to and I got a positive OPK that night. FML.

I called the RE on Friday morning and they said to go ahead and trigger. It was okay, my right had a decent follie. It can work. So we were given our marching orders on when to have sex, start my progesterone, etc.

Trigger shot was a blast. Like honestly. Keeping in line with it being a shitastic cycle I had an awful reaction to the damn thing. My stomach got all red and sore. It hurt to wear clothes. It also made me feel like crap. So I spent the next few days feeling like complete and utter shit, but I told  myself it would be worth it.

I was told not to use OPK's after my trigger, but to keep on temping, that would show my shift right? Well, yeah, no. My temp wasn't rising. We knew I O'd, but it wasn't rising. In fact, it didn't even remotely go up until 5DPO. Mind you, I was already taking Crinone so it should have been up there.

Then shit went downhill about 2 days ago when the cramping started, then spotting and sure enough today my cycle showed. So basically I paid $1,000 to feel like shit and not end up pregnant. Yay me. Surprisingly there weren't tears. I'm at the point where I'm just done. I'm done. Really. Sure, we've only done 1 RE cycle, but the frustration, the disappointment, the stress, all that is not new. In fact, we're years into that. I think this cycle just broke my back. I just felt like my body kept saying over and over "STOP THIS MADNESS." How many signs do I need that my body isn't built to do this? Another loss? More money thrown away? We're THOUSANDS of dollars into this and nothing. All I have to show for it is a terrible attitude, a broken heart and a marriage that is shakey at best.

Well, so much for no tears. Here they are.

I hate what this has done to me. I hate what this has done to us. I hate that I'm still fighting my insurance company about paying for charges related to our most recent loss and subsequent testing. I hate that for so many people it seems like this is so easy and for me it's not. I hate that I will never be able to go back to being the person I was before all this. I hate that there is anyone who has to know this pain. I hate that there are people out there who don't appreciate just how fucking lucky they truly are.

Uterus, I'm throwing in the towel. You win...my heart can't take the disappointment anymore.

Femara Cycle 1

We are officially going green for our first Femara cycle. The game plan is:

Femara + Trigger + TI + Crinone

I had my baseline u/s on Monday with Dr. Magneto and he was happy with the results so he cleared us to go. I started the Femara last night and will take it through Friday. I will start my OPK's on Monday and unless I get a + OPK before then, I will have my follow up u/s on Thursday the 16th (CD14). Depending on how my ovaries look and how big my follie(s) are, we will trigger on our around then.

It's mixed emotions during this cycle. One, frustration because it shouldn't have to be a science experiment. I really shouldn't. Two, happy because we are finally at a point where we have a good chance. Three, nervousness because lets face it, it's scary. Four, fearful. Getting pregnant again just to lose another pregnancy would devastate me. I'm trying to stay positive, but we know there is still that chance.

Ovaries, you bitches better play nice cause mama just shelled out a fat amount of cash. Let's get 'er done shall we?

What Does "RE" Mean?

Reproductive Endocrinologist Really Expensive

Today was the meeting with the finance department at our RE's office. As much as I like this office, I mean their staff is wicked nice and Dr. Magneto is about 1 award away from epic, the reality is you get what you pay for. I've quickly realized they are not the Wal Mart of RE's. Oh no, they are the Jimmy Choo's. And here I thought it would be a waste to spend that kind of money on shoes. How quickly my mind is changing.

Anyway, I sat down with Brittany this morning to get down to brass tacks. Exactly how much are these medicated cycles going to cost?

First let's start with my baseline u/s that I have to have. That comes in at $365. That's literally just to make sure my ovaries are cyst free and to make sure my problem child right ovary is normal.

Then we get into the nitty gritty. Since we're doing ovulation induction and timed intercourse our costs aren't as steep as they could be. I'm sure there are going to people who read this post and go "oh Whaaa, poor baby." Yes, we're aware that we're on the fertile end of infertility which means we're on the cheaper end of this, but it still doesn't take away from the reality that this is going to suck.

One medicated cycle (ie: one month) will cost us roughly $500 - $750, depending on the number of u/s's that I need to have. In fact, it could even be up to $1,000 should my right ovary just suck massively and become cystopia. Dr. Magneto has ordered 6-9 cycles of this regime.

Now it could all change should my ovaries not respond to the Femara (warning to my ovaries, you bitches had better get your shit together!) and we have to change to a different med. It could also change should he decide to switch over to IUI which would roughly add on another $750 - $1000 per cycle.

So the real question is has the sticker price changed our minds? Not really. Unfortunately it does put a slight delay in things. Due to the price, we are going to have to wait one cycle to start this and will most likely have to alternate every other cycle. This next cycle will be with Crinone only. Then the next will be monitored/medicated cycle. Then Crinone, then medicated. You get the jist. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We're paying for IF treatments outright and we have to do what our budget allows.

My Uterus: Vacancy

We had our meeting with the RE yesterday, we’ll call him Dr. Magneto. Yes, I know that he was the villain in X-Men, but his real last name starts with an M so it’s fitting.

Anyway, Dr. Magneto has a plan. A good one at that.

Femara + Crinone + TI

He’s confident that my P4 deficiency is ultimately what is stopping my pregnancies. I mentioned to him that during the last pregnancy we did supplement with Crinone (after we found out it was failing), but he said that with patients who have a deficiency they really need to supplement it before a pregnancy occurs not after. He used the metaphor of a seed. You have better luck with fertilizer when you fertilize the ground prior to planting your seeds, not after. That way the nutrients are there when the seed starts to grow. So that’s what he’s hoping to do. To get my P4 to where it should be before an embryo tries to set up shop.

Since we were given the all clear from Doc back on the 18th (before I O’d) we did try this cycle so Dr. Magneto prescribed Crinone for this cycle as well, starting at 6DPO. Normally I’ll start at 2DPO, but he said it’s better than nothing. I was surprised though because he said I only need to take the Crinone every other day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about this. I absolutely hated taking it twice a day back during my pregnancy with Offspring, but I thought I took it because I had to. He said no, you don’t need it twice a day, especially since it’s delivered pretty much at the needed location (try not to visualize that!). We might have to adjust that should a pregnancy occur and it shows my P4 is still struggling, but for now once a day every other day.

If we are unsuccessful this first go, which I totally imagine we are considering we only got one attempt in, the game plan is to call his nurses line on CD1. They will set up my baseline u/s to make sure my ovaries (specifically my trouble making right one) don’t have any current cysts and then I’ll start the Femara. Followed by my psycho use of OPK’s to make sure I don’t miss my surge (thank goodness for my recent bulk purchase of 100 OPK’s!) and then it’s show time. At 2DPO I will start the Crinone in the AM’s on every other day. I am to take Crinone until 14DPO and if a pregnancy is not confirmed I will stop the supplement and allow my body to start CD1 of the next cycle.

We’re excited and a little nervous. It’s always nerve wracking to go on meds, especially when your biggest fear is you’ll end up as the Octomom. I know that Femara has a very low percentage of even twins, but I still fear that we’ll be one of “those” people. I’m also nervous about the actual side effects of the meds. Clomid turned me into a psycho one woman show who made Mommy Dearest look sane. He assured me that Femara most likely will not have the same effects, but you never know.

So that’s the dealio. We’re finally getting expert advice from the expert and it feels good. Maybe we’ll be blessed yet.

What's New?

Once upon a time I used to love blogging.

Currently I don't feel that way. Thankfully my awesome friend Jenn reminded me that it's okay that I'm depressing and down. I'm allowed to be. We just had our 2 year angelversary of our beloved Spawn and we're 3 months past our loss of Offspring. I'm allowed to be bitter and cynical so thank you Jenn for reminding me!

Updates....

We have an appointment with a RE on the 27th. I know, I know, we said we weren't going to see one, but an opportunity presented itself and we have to take it. It got to the point that neither Doc nor Dr. Awesome would even prescribe progesterone for me. They just kept saying "go to the RE, go to the RE" so my mom worked her magic (I swear that woman is like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio at times) and we have our appointment next week.

We're finally doing flooring in the house. About time right? We're starting with the downstairs floor first and then will move upstairs. We've picked out the tile and the guy is coming early next week to measure so we can order the tile. Hopefully that will get started in the next week or two. It'll be lovely to finally have new flooring.

Of course the new flooring means we'll be doing some other DIY projects that we've been putting off. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk and blog about those. We could use some happy posts right?

On the adoption front, the meeting got cancelled. We're going to schedule another one after we meet with the RE. We want to make sure we are making the right decisions for us.

Insurance, Testing and Other Jumbled Thoughts…

Let’s start with the happy news that I finally paid off my HSG from last year. Hallelujah! Took me long enough right?! Well that’s what happens when your insurance sucks and you are forced to pay for everything out of pocket. I’m not comfortable going into debt on the IF thing, so out of pocket in the form on easy monthly payments work for us.

Just in time to have that paid off too because I’m fighting with my insurance company over the blood work I had done. Apparently when the doctor’s office submitted the paperwork, they coded it as infertility testing. Uh, no. That’s not what it was for, but nice try. I spoke with my insurance company and explained the situation and they advised my doctor’s office would have to resubmit the paperwork coded correctly. So a few calls and a couple panic attacks later the paperwork was recoded and resubmitted. It’s going through the appeal process right now. Get this, if they still won’t cover it we have to pay the full $3,300 bill. Yeah, talk about freaking out.

Speaking of my blood work, interesting development. I called Doc’s office to schedule my appointment to go over the game plan for trying again. You know, progesterone when we’ll do beta’s and all that boring jazz. I remembered before I called that she had mentioned some “mutation”, but said it wasn’t important and I dismissed it thinking she was the Doc who was qualified to make that judgment. Well, when I called to make my appointment I asked the receptionist to pull my chart and just give me the name of the not important mutation.

MTHFR C677T Single Mutation

What the what?! I’ve heard the ladies on the board talk about MTHFR before so I knew there was a chance it wasn’t “not important”. I got to googling everything I could about it and I think I know why she thought it wasn’t important. Apparently the medical community is pretty divided about MTHFR and if it really plays a role in recurring losses. She could be in the camp that feels it doesn’t play a role. Well, as a woman who has had recurring losses if there is something we can easily fix to prevent them, then let’s get on it. I have a list of questions and such to go over with her. I’m sure she loves patients like me.

On the adoption front, not much going on. It's March now (yay!) which means in a few short weeks we'll have our first information session. I'm really looking forward to it. We're also working on house crap (ugh) and I think I've finally picked out flooring. Then again by tomorrow I could have changed my mind.

Books and Stuff

We got the other 2 adoption books we ordered this weekend. I was very excited to see that box sitting on my counter when I came home. Now to start the never ending reading that is about to take place. We have quite a list of adoption books that we are adding to our "to read" list so I need to get this party started. I'm hoping to at least finish You Can Adopt before our meeting with the agency on the 16th.

Speaking of the meeting, T talked to a co-worker of his about adoption (M has adopted 2 children) and M gave us the name of his agency and little overview of how his adoptions went. He offered to sit down with us and go over everything and answer any questions we might have. It's nice to actually know someone who has done this already because it makes this feel a little less scary. Like it is possible. So we have another agency that we can check out. I plan on speaking with multiple agencies to find one that we feel fits us and our needs.

We are also looking into an adoption lawyer. Great thing about working in the field I do I get attorney recommendations for pretty much anything. This recommendation came through my mom from someone she works with. It's great to have those connections. So we plan on calling this office to at least get a consult about their practice and what not. We're definitely moving in the right direction on this.

After much talking, we have decided to try at least one more time. If the pregnancy is to end in a loss, then we're done. Three seems to be like a good stopping point. We still plan on pursuing the adoption because at some point we will be adopting so we might as well get the process underway. We talked about it a lot and this just feels right for us right now. Of course it's subject to change. Like anything.

I need to make an appointment with Doc to talk about trying again and get a game plan on possible pregnancy #3. We're not putting all our eggs in this basket though, adoption is still our main focus.

Blah, Just Blah

Do you ever feel like everything just goes wrong in your life? I mean, just one thing after another? Yep, that pretty much sums up our life right now.

Of course my body sucks (well at least it's consistent on sucking) and I only had an 8 day LP. So big fuck you to my uterus. Then T and I both got sicker than a freaking dog. I never call in sick to work and I've had to call in sick twice both times during my AF because I was sick on top of it.

T also didn't get the position he was interviewing for. Yep, right now I'm just one big ball of fuck you universe for not letting a single damn thing go right. I don't get it either. I thought people who work hard and do things "right" get rewarded, not constantly get the finger from karma. I just don't understand who I have pissed off.

"Normal"

While most people would be relieved and feel like a weight was lifted off their chest to find out that their blood work was normal I’m completely beside myself. I went into this morning’s appointment with the hope that they found something, especially since she had to run a 2nd test. Not that I want something to be wrong, but at least we could possibly have an answer and an idea of what is going wrong and possibly a treatment plan. Not knowing is awful. It really is.

She went over everything, all normal. I asked about the 2nd test she had to run and she said that it was only because my levels were slightly elevated the 1st time, but the 2nd test (which is more accurate because you are fasting) was normal. So we are no closer to having an answer than we were the day after the loss of Offspring.

I did a good job keeping it together in her office. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really say anything honestly. I just sat there nodding to what she said. I think she could tell that’s not what I wanted to hear and she finally just said “some couples never know why they can’t.”

I felt really prepared for this appointment. I mean, we started talking about adoption and we had a plan either way. If it came back there was something we’d correct it and try again. If it came back I was normal we’d say to hell with it and pursue adoption. I didn’t prepare for the emotions that would come. I guess I didn’t realize how much my heart really needed an answer.

When I got into my car and on the phone with T that’s when all the tears started and then sweet jeebus they wouldn’t stop. I drove really slowly to work in hopes that I could get my tears under control, but it was so damn hard. By the time I was pulling into my office building almost 20 minutes later I had barely stopped crying. Then they have been off and on which is awesome while at work.

It seriously sucks that you get these curve balls that knock the wind out of you. I felt like we were getting to a good place with all this and confident and in control and then this just knocked me back some 80 steps. It made me realize that no matter how much we really try to prepare ourselves, we cannot control our hearts and what breaks them. It also made me realize how much I push everything down. Here I thought I was fine, when really I just pushed everything down because I didn’t want to feel it or deal with it.

We’re not making any decisions right now. I’ve put in a call to a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief in hopes that maybe she can help me sort through all this. Universe, please let this therapist be taking new patients. I think you sort of owe me at this point.

From The Beginning...Again...

Friday marked CD1 for TTA Cycle #1. A bittersweet milestone.

On top of that Doc's office called today and they ordered another blood test, fasting serum homocysteine. I did some Dr. Google which is never a good idea. I'm just trusting she knows what she's doing. The only thing that got me worried was the nurse asked if I had my follow up scheduled. I said no that Doc was waiting for the results and the nurse said "Okay, well schedule that when you come in tomorrow." Awesome, what did she find?

It's Not Healthy, I KNOW

Look, I know the anger isn't healthy. I know the jealousy isn't healthy. I know rolling my eyes at pregnant women isn't healthy. I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

It's funny, some people think I'm taking this loss so much better than the last. Me, I think I'm doing much worse. At least last time I was mostly sad and crying. This time, I'm so damn angry I can hardly see straight. I'm mad at the universe. I'm mad at myself. I'm just mad.

This past weekend my mom and I went to see Les Miserables, which by the way is amazing, and I could totally relate to one verse from I Dreamed a Dream:

     "I had a dream my life would be
      So different from this hell I'm living
      So different now from what it seemed
      Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

          - Fantine in I Dreamed a Dream (Les Miserables)

That's exactly how I feel. I am at the point that I feel like we will never get there. We will never know the joy of holding a little one in our arms. One to call our own. I had such big dreams for T and I and our family and it feels like they are just shot dead in the water.

T and I went out for dinner tonight and I told him I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mother. There is no denying that and I'm not saying I don't, but my question is at what point do we pull the plug on this? Am I a little girl who is dreaming of becoming a fairy princess? Something that can never be achieved? I never even tried to imagine my life without kids because that was never going to be my reality, but here I am.

We're not making any decisions. Obviously everything is still raw and I'm clearly just not in a good place. I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I used to be so optimistic, now not so much. I have changed in so many ways and I'm not sure I'll ever be back to where I was.

A New Year, A New Path

Tomorrow is officially 2013 and I can say without a doubt, I welcome this New Year. With one exception, our trip, 2012 was just bad news for T and I. Much like 2011 I'm ready to just let this be part of our past and not our present. So, to welcome the new year I'm setting some goals.

1. Lose 50 pounds. I've gained about 10 pounds back (damn depression) so time to start getting back on the weight loss horse. Good for the body as well as the mind and soul.

2. Travel more. We're looking at maybe taking another semi-big trip this year, but other potential plans have that up in the air.

3. More home upgrades. Moving walls, flooring, all that crap. It was going to be done in 2012, but after an epic breakdown post failed Clomid cycles we decided to put our money towards getting away from this mess. This year, focus will be different.

4. Find out if an RE is covered by ins. Open enrollment is in May so we'll find out in April if ins will cover our IF, if so we will switch plans to get to the RE.

5. Meet with an adoption agency.

Yes, you read that right. We've decided to start the talks about adoption. First step will be meeting with an agency to get an idea if our goal is even possible. We want a closed or minimal open adoption. We're open to giving monthly updates and pictures, but we are not open to the idea of the mother being a very active role in our child's life. If we are raising the baby, we want it to be our baby. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to share my child. Period. The only way we would consider an open adoption is if we knew the mother (ie: friend, family, etc).

If we find out that the RE is not covered, T will be getting a vasectomy to prevent any future heartbreaks and we will pursue adoption full time. For now it would be domestic while we save the money to go with Korea. If our budget is correct, Korea would be in about 3 years. It feels GREAT to have a plan that will ultimately end in our having a child. The RE thing is too unpredictable and we have no idea if my body can even do this.

So 2013...ROCK MY FUCKING WORLD!

U/S Results & A Decision...

Last Wednesday was my u/s. Of course as luck would have it AF arrived the night before. Thankfully it wasn't too bad so I decided to go ahead with the u/s (I called ahead and they said a-okay to do it). The u/s itself wasn't fun. Lets be honest, when is it ever? The tech was very nice and pointing things out to me and you know made sure to really push on that full bladder. The u/s itself only took about 30 minutes and then I was out.

Waiting for the results has been murder. I thought I saw something on my u/s, but I'm not the specialist and not 100% sure what I'm looking at so waiting has sucked. This morning the office finally called me with my results. Mostly unremarkable, but a small uterine fibroid is present. I was told it's nothing to be too worried about and my subsequent research pretty much said the same.

The results did spark a conversation between T and I. We're going to try for a baby. I'm not going back to charting right away, but we're giving it a whirl. Fingers crossed!

Do Not Pass Go...

I had my appointment with Dr. Awesome. The appointment itself, not so awesome. I brought up maybe trying another medication with Dr. Awesome and though he had a very articulate and responsible response, I didn’t like it. His answer was no. He admitted he doesn’t have the resources necessary to properly administer the medication and he is reluctant to do it without knowing what all our problems are. We know I have an issue with progesterone, that’s a given, he is just not sure what else are the obstacles. He also said he doesn’t have the ability to do all the specific more in depth testing that we should have done. He understands our plight, RE’s are expensive, but he’s not willing to put me at risk to try to save us a couple bucks. I didn’t like it, but his response just proved how awesome he really is.

And of course since I have the worst reproductive luck, I’ve also developed another issue (not infertility related, at least I don’t think yet) and now I have to have an u/s done to make sure I don’t have any polyps in my uterus. Dr. Awesome doesn’t think I have any, he said I’m young and healthy, but wants to make sure he rules out as many possibilities as he can. We’re also awaiting my pap results to find out if my cervical dysplasia is back. He said my current issue might be an indicator that it’s back, but it could also be completely unrelated.

I have to admit the timing on all this sucks. We’re in the final stretch before our trip and now instead of being all excited and happy, I’m anxious and depressed. I might not get my pap results back until the 13th and my u/s is scheduled for the 19th. Both those results will greatly impact how we proceed with starting a family. I am just bracing myself for more bad news really. I’m wondering if I should up the drinking budget for this trip…

What Do We Have To Lose?

Next week I have my yearly scheduled with Dr. Awesome. I made a point to make sure it was with Dr. Awesome because we have an agenda. We're going to ask him about another medication.

When I first met with Dr. Awesome back in October he went over the game plan. 6 months on meds before any further testing. He blindsided us when he ordered testing after 3 failed cycles. He blindsided us again when he referred us to an RE after our results came back fine. I respect his referral, I really do. I appreciate that he wants to see us be successful so he forwarded us to the specialist, but I still feel like I need those 3 months.

I figured the worst that can happen is he says no. I need to at least try though.

RE Bound

I finally got around to calling Dr. Awesome’s office this morning to find out the game plan. HSG came back normal, SA came back normal, so I kind of wanted to find out where we go from here. Figured I would be told to come in and speak with Dr. Awesome. Go over the results in depth and talk about which med we’ll try next after our trip. You’d think at this point I would stop trying to guess how things would go, but apparently I never learn.

His nurse called me back and proceeded to shatter my world. Dr. Awesome is bowing out as our treating physician and his medical recommendation is to move to an RE. I quite literally said “huh?” I thought the RE came after another failed 3 cycles on a different med. Not after our HSG and SA come back normal! I guess the fact that they came back normal is what has him perplexed. There is something going on and he’s just not able to figure it out. So instead of wasting more of our time, he’s pushing us towards a doctor who will know what to look for and how to treat it.

The water works started almost immediately as I was writing down the RE’s information, which of course is awesome since I was sitting at my desk at work! His nurse was kind and said as soon as we make our appointment with the RE to call Dr. Awesome’s office and they’ll send all the records over. She politely wished us good luck and that was it. I then proceeded to haul some serious ass to the ladies room holding onto what little control I had left. I got inside the stall and a full on ugly cry ensued.

We knew this was a strong possibility. We knew there was a chance we could have to go to an RE. This isn’t news to us, but it still hurt like almighty hell to hear it. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to get pregnant on our first cycle of Clomid, like so many other ladies, and be excited that all it took was a measly little pill to fix things.

The plan now is to wait until after we get our 2012 tax return for our consultation with the RE. We’ll see what he has to say and make our decisions once we have a better idea of what we are looking at. Funny how things went from “Woo hoo we’re having a 2011 baby!” to “If we’re lucky we’ll have a 2014 baby.” I’ll be honest; I’m losing hope…fast.

Didn’t See That Coming…

Well, Dr. Awesome’s office finally called me back today and left me speechless. As I already knew, my HSG was good and “normal.” Then came time for T’s SA results. I braced for bad news impact. I was sitting down and had tissues close by in the event a total breakdown ensued.

Normal. Umm, yeah, didn’t see that coming.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m psyched his results were normal. I’m psyched that we don’t have yet another thing to tack on to this already frustrating mess. I am though, caught between relief and frustration. If there is nothing else wrong with me physically and T’s boys check out good, then why haven’t we gotten pregnant again? Like Dr. Awesome said, my Clomid cycles were “textbook” and our timing was awesome. So why didn’t it happen? These results sort of just left me with additional questions. If it’s not him, then obviously there has to be something else wrong with me.

I’m calling back tomorrow to schedule my follow up appointment with Dr. Awesome to go over the results and find out where we go from here. I know T and I are taking a medication break until after our trip to Europe, but I need to find out if my cervix is our issue here. He can put me on a thousand different medications, but if the boys can’t get in then it won’t help at all. I keep thinking about my HSG and what a difficult time she had getting the catheter in. She finally did, but what if there is something blocking. Do we need to look at that a little more closely? I’ll leave that up to Dr. Awesome to decide.

Despite being frustrated with the “wtf else could it be” situation, I’m really relieved that it isn’t with T. Maybe we actually do have a chance of having a baby w/o the assistance of an RE. That would be epic!

Waiting and waiting and waiting...

WTF Dr. Awesome?! I called his office this am for my results hoping that I would get the results this afternoon, but NOPE. No call back. NOTHING! I'm losing my flipping mind here. We're 1 week post HSG & SA and still no results. Exactly how long do they expect me to hold on before I lose my ever loving sanity? Because I'm close. Like real close!

In other news I was able to catch my LH surge this month despite only having 8 OPK's to my name. See, this is what I get for not being psycho about my cycles. I didn't realize that I was short on OPK's until I needed to start using them. Go figure right? At least I've got enough experience with OPK's to not waste them. Now I wait for my temp to spike so we can see how long this LP will be.

On the DIY front, I'm heading to my favorite place on earth this Saturday...IKEA! I have a couple DIY projects up my sleeve, well a lot, but a couple I want to kick out this weekend. My DIY hopes are to kick out our side tables, hang the longer shelves in the dining room and do my table lamps, plus do my key shadow box frame for the key center.

Now onto the trip, we've decided to say screw the luggage and go with duffel bags. Since we're doing so much public transportation we don't want to have to deal with big luggage and wheels. This way we can wear our backpacks, put our duffel bags over our shoulder and be little pack mules. Now just to find good sturdy duffel bags that can survive the luggage compartment of the plane.

SA & HSG...Check & Check!

Let me preface this by saying I'm going to be honest in this post, so if you don't want to hear the nitty gritty details then I would skip this. You've been warned.

Lets start with T's SA. I'll be honest, I went into this with a totally different picture in my head than the reality was. I pictured a dimly lit room, a big soft chair in the middle, maybe some aromatherapy candles and a little Barry White playing in the background. It was a bathroom. A BATHROOM. I thought it was a little sketchy being at a LabCorp, but holy mother of the fertility gods that was ridic! The awkward part was that there was another gentleman there for the same thing. He went into the bathroom, did his deed, came out and the lab guy was like "okay T, go ahead." I'm kind of pissed at A Smile Like Yours because the room in that movie set the bar that LabCorp just couldn't live up to.

Next up was my HSG. Now this office was exactly what I thought it would be. Very nice, warm people, beautifully decorated. Had super comfy chairs in the waiting room and had this awesome undress rooms. Yes, they had a specific room to remove your clothing and put on your gown. It was wicked. The room that I had my HSG in was a bit more sterile than the other rooms, but that's to be expected. Thankfully the tech and the radiologist woman were very nice and did their best to help me relax while explaining the process. It was nerve wracking to say the least. I mean, there I was laying on this hard metal table with this ginormous x-ray like thing above it that they use to watch the dye.

The procedure itself was uncomfortable, literally. First up they completely paint your nether regions with iodine to make sure you are clean and such, then they insert this lovely little catheter INTO your cervix, inflate this little bubble and fill you up with dye. Fun, fun, fun. The best part, she had a lot of issues getting the catheter in. She mentioned something to the effect that she thinks there might be scar tissue on my cervix from my cold knife cone procedure. It ultimately took her about 15 minutes and two different catheters to get things going. The dye part was nothing compared to the placement of the catheter.

The test went very fast and it was pretty cool to watch it on the screen, despite my not knowing what I was looking at. We did see that my uterus is slightly tilted to the left (already knew that) and the good part, both tubes are completely open. The dye just rushed right through them bad boys and the radiologist said "Perfect! Exactly what we want!" She'll get the complete report to my doc in a few days, but I'm relieved that she at least gave me the thumbs up right there.

There has been some cramping since the procedure, but thankfully at 5 hours out I'm feeling almost 100% normal. I'm guessing by tomorrow I'll feel like me again and thank god, just in time to start obsessing over OPK's. We have to wait for T's SA results, but my doc said they usually get them pretty fast so hopefully we hear something soon. Now we wait...ah, the good old never ending waiting.