Grief, You Sneaky SOB

Most days I'm chugging along trying to look forward instead of looking back.

Then randomly, out of the blue, grief will show it's ugly face and I'm not looking forward. Instead I'm standing still wishing so badly I could go back. Today is one of those days. I don't know exactly where or when I stopped moving forward, but I did. On the way home I rehashed my entire day trying to figure out why I am so angry/bitter/sad/frustrated and it hit me, Tuesday's were the days that I graduated from one week to the next. Today, I should be 18 weeks pregnant.

I try my hardest to not do this to myself. To not do the whole "I should be" or "What if" game because it hurts and really no good comes of it. All it does is further open that wound, but I have days where no matter how bad I know it is, I still do it. Instead of getting all psyched up to have our 20 week u/s, I'm back to trying to decipher a positive OPK from a negative OPK. I should be feeling flutters and questioning if it's the baby or gas and always ruling it as the baby, instead I'm taking 4 IB Profin because my menstrual cramps are making it damn near impossible to even sit straight up.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to never have been pregnant at all. Would getting my cycle hurt less? Would I be less agitated taking my temp every morning? Would I laugh more consistently? Would I be more excited about the wonderfully happy events that are taking place?

But if I never got pregnant that means Spawn would have never existed and s/he very much so did. I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm not mourning the idea of a baby, I'm mourning my baby. Every month when I got my cycle I would become sad and depressed because it was another month that meant I wasn't going to be a mommy. Now, it's a reminder that I am a mommy, but to a child that I never got to hold, or kiss, or snuggle.

Grief, I absolutely loathe you. I hate that you sneak up on me at the most random of times. Please do me a huge favor and give me some warning next time. Maybe a little twitch at the sight of a baby, or something just so I know you are going to unleash your unholy fury on me. And to my sweet baby, I love you to the moon and back!

CD1

Another day, another cycle. Today officially starts CD1 of TTA Cycle #2, which is the last cycle in our doctor ordered TTC break. It's bittersweet. On one hand, I'm stoked because well, it's the first day of the last cycle we HAVE to avoid. On the other, I'm so frustrated and sad because that means TTA Cycle #1 had a 10 day luteal phase. Eff. (Side note, I'm attempting to give up swearing so when we DO have kids they don't talk like a trucker...like their mom).

I knew as soon as I saw my temp this morning that AF was coming and my LP was only 10 days, which makes me want to scream. For those of you who are not familiar with all this mumbo jumbo, the "average" LP lasts between 10-16 days, but most doctors (mine included) considers anything under 12 to be a "luteal phase defect." What does that mean? It means my body isn't producing enough of the right hormones to sustain pregnancy. AWESOME. It is possible for women who have 10 day LP's to have healthy pregnancies, it's just the odds are not good.

So where do we go from here? Well.....I don't know actually. I'm thinking about putting a call into my OB to just heads up her that my LP was only 10 days and see what she wants to do. I'm hoping that she'll want to draw blood after I ovulate next time to see where all my levels are at. If she can find the issue, then we can at least treat the issue. I can also try vitamin B-6 which has been shown to help lengthen a LP, BUT if the LPD is caused by eggs not maturing correctly then we'll have to go another route (Clomid). She might want to wait one more cycle just to see what happens before she runs tests, but I will tell you that if my LP stays at 10 days, I am NOT going to TTC until we figure out what wrong.

8DPO, I Repeat, 8DPO

Well, well, well. Ovulation, we meet again!

Go figure, right after I stop testing and head to CA to see my expecting sister I ovulate. (So help me if anyone says "see, relaxing and not thinking about it makes it happen" I will literally punch you in your pie hole.) I have mixed feelings about the O. I'm happy because that means I'm finally going to wrap up TTA cycle #1 (of 2), but I'm mad because WTF? I was monitoring my body like no one's business and as soon as I turn my back my body does it. Also, I'm not exactly a fan of O'ing on CD27. Yeah, a bit late there. Well, I guess better late than never eh?

In other news, my diet is going well. I'm down 10 pounds now which is hella exciting since I tied the feed bag on in CA. There is something about vacation that just makes all self control fly right out the window. I fully expected to step on the scale Sunday morning to see that I gained weight, but nope. Pleasantly suprised I was. Speaking of CA and my sister, I'm ecstatic to announce that I'm going to have a NEPHEW!!!! (Have I mentioned my sister is pregnant yet?) He looks wonderful and is definitely all boy. Now I get to get all psycho Aunt and obsess about the shower I am throwing in July for her. It'll be badass!

All OPK & diet jokes aside, things are slowly begin to perk up. I cry less and laugh more and I think I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to think about TTC again. Last Friday (the 20th) was hard though. There is no denying that. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 months already. While it sometimes feels like an eternity ago, most of the time it feels like yesterday. Spawn, I may not talk about you everyday or blog about you everyday, but there is NEVER a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I love you my sweet baby, to the moon and back!

I Surrender

Well, despite my diligent efforts, my body is showing NO signs of O’ing in the near future so I’m going to stop using my OPK’s. For one, they are pricey. I am literally pissing money down the drain. Second, the negative results are really starting to affect my mojo. I’m so frustrated and flustered my body is probably like “oh hell no, she is in NO position to be having kids,” despite the fact that weren’t not even TTC yet. I’m going to continue to do my temps and just stick with that for now. Hopefully not focusing on the negative results so much will make my body chill.

In other news, I’m on a new diet plan to try to lose weight before we try again. Sure this might push back when we start trying again, but I figure I would rather wait another cycle or two and get healthier than just jump right into trying because I want to. I want to know that I did everything I could do be as healthy as possible for our next baby. Not that it had anything to do with why we lost Spawn, but I can’t help feeling like in some way I am responsible for the loss. Not to mention all my pants are tight so I could stand to drop some lbs.

I also decided to dye my hair back to my natural color. As hot as my 4 inch roots were, it was time. The funny thing is I’ve had the lighter red for so long when I went back to my natural color (WAY DARK brown) I looked so different. I also added some bangs, like real bangs. Not just the longer side sweep bangs, I’m talking at my eyebrow level bangs. I like them, they’re different and I think I need that right now.

I think the sudden desire for change is coming from the fact that we are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark from my m/c. The 1st month I was too emotional to really focus on anything. My wounds were all still gaping and very raw. Now, they aren’t. It still hurts and I still miss Spawn more than anything in this world, but I’m definitely at a much better place now. However, that place is really giving me the desire to make some changes in my life. Some are physical, others are emotional, some are mental. I don’t want Spawn’s passing to go in vain, I have to think there is some reason why it happened. Maybe it was to force me to get off my dead ass and make the changes I wanted? Really the only 2 things I know for sure are:

1. I am not the same person I was pre-pregnancy and loss.
2. I love you Spawn, to the moon & back.

Almost There.....

I'm almost there!! This was tonight's test result. I don't even have to circle the test result line! Woo hoo!! I really hope this wasn't a fluke and the result is legitmately getting darker!

OP...NO!

I'm in O hell here! I'm on CD17 and there is STILL no O in sight which has me so flippin' irritated. I hoped that it was the brand of OPK's I was using (Walgreens) so I bought a different brand today and got even worse results if you can believe that. The test result line is actually getting lighter instead of darker. Ugh!

I know, you are probably squinting to even see the line, but trust me, it's there. I had that bad boy up against the light so I know there IS a line, it's just so flippin' faint. My temps aren't even better. They're just as shitty as my OPK's.

Talk about bipolar temps. I'm hot, no I'm cold, no I'm warm, back to cold. It's enough to drive a sane person mad (not that I was sane to begin with, but you get my point.) I know we're not trying this cycle, or even next, but I really want my body to get back to normal so when we do try I've got it down. This taking forever to O is making me get worried that maybe I have issues with my LP. If I do, that would explain my miscarriage with Spawn. Unfortunately women who have short LP's are more likely to miscarry which sucks. If I DO have LP issues, I'd like to know before getting pregnant again so we can be aggressive on the front end with progresterone supplements. I am definitely going into the next pregnancy a lot more aware of not only my body, but the entire process.

So body, get your shit together!

Ovulation.....or lack thereof!

**Warning - Major acronym usage to follow**

I'm so over my body. I'm on CD15 of TTA Cycle #1 and my body has NO signs of O'ing anytime in the near future! I started using OPK's on CD12 so I wouldn't miss it, but nothing. The test results aren't even getting darker. They are literally at a stand still. So I'm either going to have the cycle from hell or I'm going to be annovulatory. Awesome! Just to prove my point, here are my results. I had to circle the test result with a hot pink circle, otherwise you might miss them.

If you've never used an OPK, the test result needs to be as dark or darker than the control line (the line on the right) to indicate ovulation in the next 12-24 or 24-48 hours (depending on what brand you are using). I'm secretly hoping the brand that I'm using just sucks (Walgreen's Brand) and my temp will indicate O'ing soon. The sooner I do, the closer I will be to my next cycle which will be our (hopefully) LAST TTA cycle. [insert freak out here]

Goodbye Dear Friend

Saturday night T sat me down on our bed to give me news that would further break my already very damaged heart, my cat was no longer with us. I will spare the details because I want to remember him as the happy, silly cat he was. T didn't share much, just that he found him in the field behind our house. My cat was an indoor/outdoor cat. It was against my better judgement, but he LOVED it. He loved to chase the birds and the mice. He became such a different cat once he got to go out. I could tell he was very happy having that freedom.

The last time I saw my precious boy was on Friday morning. I woke up and like any other morning, he was at my feet on my bed. He meowed a good morning and like every other day, I said my good morning in the form of a belly scratch. I was feeding the dogs when he went out the doggie door. I wish I would have known that would be the last time I would see him. Unlike every other night, he did not come home that night. I hoped he was just chasing mice. I didn't want to fear the worst. Saturday morning, he still wasn't home. I tried to not freak out so I went over to my parents house. The entire time he was on my mind. As I was driving home I kept telling myself he was fine. He would be at home snoozing on my bed.

When I got home the doggie door was still open and he was still no where to be found. Something wasn't right and I couldn't deny that anymore. I told T I was concerned because it wasn't like him to not be home. T sat me down on our bed and said "I have some bad news." My mind gets fuzzy after that, but basically he knew I was worried so he went looking for him and found him in the field behind our house. He was already gone. I cried and cried and when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, I cried some more. My cat was my baby and now like Spawn, he was gone. Forever.

Spawn, please take care of Dooney for me. I love you both, to the moon and back.