Grief, You Sneaky SOB

Most days I'm chugging along trying to look forward instead of looking back.

Then randomly, out of the blue, grief will show it's ugly face and I'm not looking forward. Instead I'm standing still wishing so badly I could go back. Today is one of those days. I don't know exactly where or when I stopped moving forward, but I did. On the way home I rehashed my entire day trying to figure out why I am so angry/bitter/sad/frustrated and it hit me, Tuesday's were the days that I graduated from one week to the next. Today, I should be 18 weeks pregnant.

I try my hardest to not do this to myself. To not do the whole "I should be" or "What if" game because it hurts and really no good comes of it. All it does is further open that wound, but I have days where no matter how bad I know it is, I still do it. Instead of getting all psyched up to have our 20 week u/s, I'm back to trying to decipher a positive OPK from a negative OPK. I should be feeling flutters and questioning if it's the baby or gas and always ruling it as the baby, instead I'm taking 4 IB Profin because my menstrual cramps are making it damn near impossible to even sit straight up.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to never have been pregnant at all. Would getting my cycle hurt less? Would I be less agitated taking my temp every morning? Would I laugh more consistently? Would I be more excited about the wonderfully happy events that are taking place?

But if I never got pregnant that means Spawn would have never existed and s/he very much so did. I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm not mourning the idea of a baby, I'm mourning my baby. Every month when I got my cycle I would become sad and depressed because it was another month that meant I wasn't going to be a mommy. Now, it's a reminder that I am a mommy, but to a child that I never got to hold, or kiss, or snuggle.

Grief, I absolutely loathe you. I hate that you sneak up on me at the most random of times. Please do me a huge favor and give me some warning next time. Maybe a little twitch at the sight of a baby, or something just so I know you are going to unleash your unholy fury on me. And to my sweet baby, I love you to the moon and back!