"Normal"

While most people would be relieved and feel like a weight was lifted off their chest to find out that their blood work was normal I’m completely beside myself. I went into this morning’s appointment with the hope that they found something, especially since she had to run a 2nd test. Not that I want something to be wrong, but at least we could possibly have an answer and an idea of what is going wrong and possibly a treatment plan. Not knowing is awful. It really is.

She went over everything, all normal. I asked about the 2nd test she had to run and she said that it was only because my levels were slightly elevated the 1st time, but the 2nd test (which is more accurate because you are fasting) was normal. So we are no closer to having an answer than we were the day after the loss of Offspring.

I did a good job keeping it together in her office. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really say anything honestly. I just sat there nodding to what she said. I think she could tell that’s not what I wanted to hear and she finally just said “some couples never know why they can’t.”

I felt really prepared for this appointment. I mean, we started talking about adoption and we had a plan either way. If it came back there was something we’d correct it and try again. If it came back I was normal we’d say to hell with it and pursue adoption. I didn’t prepare for the emotions that would come. I guess I didn’t realize how much my heart really needed an answer.

When I got into my car and on the phone with T that’s when all the tears started and then sweet jeebus they wouldn’t stop. I drove really slowly to work in hopes that I could get my tears under control, but it was so damn hard. By the time I was pulling into my office building almost 20 minutes later I had barely stopped crying. Then they have been off and on which is awesome while at work.

It seriously sucks that you get these curve balls that knock the wind out of you. I felt like we were getting to a good place with all this and confident and in control and then this just knocked me back some 80 steps. It made me realize that no matter how much we really try to prepare ourselves, we cannot control our hearts and what breaks them. It also made me realize how much I push everything down. Here I thought I was fine, when really I just pushed everything down because I didn’t want to feel it or deal with it.

We’re not making any decisions right now. I’ve put in a call to a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief in hopes that maybe she can help me sort through all this. Universe, please let this therapist be taking new patients. I think you sort of owe me at this point.

Our Angels

I'm so excited to say our angels have arrived!!

The night before my D&C I went on Etsy trying to find something to memorialize our little Offspring. I have a necklace from my mom for Spawn and I wanted something tangible for Offspring as well. During my search I came across these angel candle holders and fell in love.

I contacted the seller and asked if they can do them in any color, specifically in two birthstones Ruby & Topaz. The seller responded by saying they can do any color you'd like so I of course ordered two right up. Then the holidays happened, the poor guy got sick, I had to dog sit. So I finally got to see my angels last night and I LOVE THEM!

They absolutely took my breath away and it makes us feel complete in a way. I feel like now these two babes who meant so very much to us will forever be present in our home, as they should be. I especially love to watch the candles flicker behind the colored glass because it reminds me of my two babes little beating hearts. A small symbol of two lives who never got the chance to really live.

Spawn & Offspring, mommy & daddy love you to the moon & back.

From The Beginning...Again...

Friday marked CD1 for TTA Cycle #1. A bittersweet milestone.

On top of that Doc's office called today and they ordered another blood test, fasting serum homocysteine. I did some Dr. Google which is never a good idea. I'm just trusting she knows what she's doing. The only thing that got me worried was the nurse asked if I had my follow up scheduled. I said no that Doc was waiting for the results and the nurse said "Okay, well schedule that when you come in tomorrow." Awesome, what did she find?

It's Not Healthy, I KNOW

Look, I know the anger isn't healthy. I know the jealousy isn't healthy. I know rolling my eyes at pregnant women isn't healthy. I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

It's funny, some people think I'm taking this loss so much better than the last. Me, I think I'm doing much worse. At least last time I was mostly sad and crying. This time, I'm so damn angry I can hardly see straight. I'm mad at the universe. I'm mad at myself. I'm just mad.

This past weekend my mom and I went to see Les Miserables, which by the way is amazing, and I could totally relate to one verse from I Dreamed a Dream:

     "I had a dream my life would be
      So different from this hell I'm living
      So different now from what it seemed
      Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

          - Fantine in I Dreamed a Dream (Les Miserables)

That's exactly how I feel. I am at the point that I feel like we will never get there. We will never know the joy of holding a little one in our arms. One to call our own. I had such big dreams for T and I and our family and it feels like they are just shot dead in the water.

T and I went out for dinner tonight and I told him I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mother. There is no denying that and I'm not saying I don't, but my question is at what point do we pull the plug on this? Am I a little girl who is dreaming of becoming a fairy princess? Something that can never be achieved? I never even tried to imagine my life without kids because that was never going to be my reality, but here I am.

We're not making any decisions. Obviously everything is still raw and I'm clearly just not in a good place. I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I used to be so optimistic, now not so much. I have changed in so many ways and I'm not sure I'll ever be back to where I was.

Follow Up

You know, there's nothing quite like sitting in a waiting room at an OB/GYN's office full of pregnant women when you are waiting for your follow up appointment about your D&C because you lost another baby. No really, it warms my heart. Especially when most of them are complaining...




Follow up appointment went okay. We are officially benched for 3 cycles which just makes me freaking thrilled. Not that I was that eager to jump back on the horse, but I would much prefer to have the not trying thing be my choice!

I did speak with the doc about blood work since our losses have been consecutive and she agreed that we need to try to start ruling stuff out. 5 vials of blood later I was on my way to work. She said I should get the results in 2 weeks or so. She's waiting for all the results to come back before we go over everything, that way we're not waiting for the other foot to drop.

The appointment was pretty much what I expected. No answers, many questions and more frustration that we're back at square one just a tad more bitter.