"Normal"

While most people would be relieved and feel like a weight was lifted off their chest to find out that their blood work was normal I’m completely beside myself. I went into this morning’s appointment with the hope that they found something, especially since she had to run a 2nd test. Not that I want something to be wrong, but at least we could possibly have an answer and an idea of what is going wrong and possibly a treatment plan. Not knowing is awful. It really is.

She went over everything, all normal. I asked about the 2nd test she had to run and she said that it was only because my levels were slightly elevated the 1st time, but the 2nd test (which is more accurate because you are fasting) was normal. So we are no closer to having an answer than we were the day after the loss of Offspring.

I did a good job keeping it together in her office. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really say anything honestly. I just sat there nodding to what she said. I think she could tell that’s not what I wanted to hear and she finally just said “some couples never know why they can’t.”

I felt really prepared for this appointment. I mean, we started talking about adoption and we had a plan either way. If it came back there was something we’d correct it and try again. If it came back I was normal we’d say to hell with it and pursue adoption. I didn’t prepare for the emotions that would come. I guess I didn’t realize how much my heart really needed an answer.

When I got into my car and on the phone with T that’s when all the tears started and then sweet jeebus they wouldn’t stop. I drove really slowly to work in hopes that I could get my tears under control, but it was so damn hard. By the time I was pulling into my office building almost 20 minutes later I had barely stopped crying. Then they have been off and on which is awesome while at work.

It seriously sucks that you get these curve balls that knock the wind out of you. I felt like we were getting to a good place with all this and confident and in control and then this just knocked me back some 80 steps. It made me realize that no matter how much we really try to prepare ourselves, we cannot control our hearts and what breaks them. It also made me realize how much I push everything down. Here I thought I was fine, when really I just pushed everything down because I didn’t want to feel it or deal with it.

We’re not making any decisions right now. I’ve put in a call to a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief in hopes that maybe she can help me sort through all this. Universe, please let this therapist be taking new patients. I think you sort of owe me at this point.