It's Not Healthy, I KNOW

Look, I know the anger isn't healthy. I know the jealousy isn't healthy. I know rolling my eyes at pregnant women isn't healthy. I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

It's funny, some people think I'm taking this loss so much better than the last. Me, I think I'm doing much worse. At least last time I was mostly sad and crying. This time, I'm so damn angry I can hardly see straight. I'm mad at the universe. I'm mad at myself. I'm just mad.

This past weekend my mom and I went to see Les Miserables, which by the way is amazing, and I could totally relate to one verse from I Dreamed a Dream:

     "I had a dream my life would be
      So different from this hell I'm living
      So different now from what it seemed
      Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

          - Fantine in I Dreamed a Dream (Les Miserables)

That's exactly how I feel. I am at the point that I feel like we will never get there. We will never know the joy of holding a little one in our arms. One to call our own. I had such big dreams for T and I and our family and it feels like they are just shot dead in the water.

T and I went out for dinner tonight and I told him I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mother. There is no denying that and I'm not saying I don't, but my question is at what point do we pull the plug on this? Am I a little girl who is dreaming of becoming a fairy princess? Something that can never be achieved? I never even tried to imagine my life without kids because that was never going to be my reality, but here I am.

We're not making any decisions. Obviously everything is still raw and I'm clearly just not in a good place. I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I used to be so optimistic, now not so much. I have changed in so many ways and I'm not sure I'll ever be back to where I was.