All it takes is faith and trust...

And just a little pixie dust…

If my life were a Disney film, it would be Peter Pan and I would be Wendy. Not because of my age, lord knows I have a few years on that girl, but because much like Wendy, all it sometimes takes is a Peter Pan and Tinkerbell to take your life to where you’ve always dreamed about.

A few weeks ago I was completely defeated and trying to come to terms with letting go of my “Neverland.” A thought that took my very breath away, but was something that I knew I had to do. Thankfully, my “Lost Boys” didn’t stop believing. My Mom contacted every one she could think of. She exhausted all her avenues and called in every favor humanly possible to find an OB who could help me. There had to be one right? She had all her contacts working double time to come up with a list of OB’s who have experience with IF. And they did.

Today I had a meeting with my Peter Pan. I had my copies of my chart from my last OB. I had all my monthly charts printed out and ready to go. I highlighted stuff. I tabbed stuff. I had everything together in a sweet little bad news filled package. The entire morning I felt like I was going to vomit and by the time I got to his office my anxiety was through the roof. I so badly wanted to get excited and hopeful, but after having my Mr. Darling (aka reality) slap me down repeatedly, I tried to keep straight.

We were called back to an exam room and went over all the goods with the nurse. Typical medical history stuff (thank god my Mom was there, so many things I never thought to mention with my family history) and I handed her all my info. I think she was a bit taken back by the data I had. I knew it came across a little OCD, but she acknowledged that if I was willing to be that diligent with my data collection, she knew I would be that diligent with doing whatever it took to get pregnant. She politely excused herself and took all my information to the doctor to review.

It felt like forever in that room honestly. My legs were bouncing, I couldn’t sit still and I was just waiting for him to drop the hammer. My Mom was optimistic though. She’s good for that. Finally the nurse came back and lead us to the doctor’s office. I always imagined Peter Pan as a young boy wearing a green leotard. Nope. He’s an older gentleman with a mustache and wears a white coat. I don’t remember every word, but basically the jist is, I do have a luteal phase defect. So much information was thrown my direction and he went over practically every single part of the woman’s cycle and where mine is messed up.

The meeting was wonderful. To have a doctor sit there and tell you that you aren’t crazy and that everything you were thinking was right is amazing. My last doctor honestly made me feel nuts. Like I was looking too much into everything. Trust me, I’m not so desperate to be on the infertile team that I would make this up. I would LOVE to be able to do this on my own. Believe me. He admitted, it wouldn’t play out that way. My body needs a little help.

By the end of the conversation we had a game plan. Something I thought I wasn’t going to ever have. Since I have a history of PCOS, he thinks my ovaries are the issue. That they aren’t quite doing what they should be doing, so he’s going to give them a little help in the form of Clomid. This cycle is obviously shot since I’m too far into it, but next cycle, IT IS ON. I have my instructions on when I’m supposed to take it and when I need to come back for testing and all that jazz. He’s hoping that the Clomid will fix the problem, but he’s going to do his due diligence and run the appropriate tests to ensure it’s doing what it should. If not, he’s going to tweak it. He was honest, it might take us some time to get there, but he was confident we would get there.

I left his office smiling and with hope. On my ride back to my office everything started to hit me and the water works started. I have so badly wanted this for so long and to finally feel like it’s going to be a reality is so overwhelming. In a good way of course. So this is officially our LAST TTA cycle. When CD1 comes, we will finally be TTCAL.

DIY Capiz Chandlier: It's Done!

After months of working on it, it's finally DONE! I have to admit it, I LOVE it! I was concerned that I wouldn't like it because I really did start to loathe this project, but now that it's up and all done, I'm so in love with it and SO glad I stuck it out! I finished it this morning and thankfully T is a good sport, so he took down the original light and put up the replacement light. The replacement is actually just a simple plain bulb light. I forgot to take a picture from underneath, but the "capiz" fixture just rests around it. It's hung on hooks and these staple things.

Now that it's done, allow me to pass a good tip on how to make this project go faster and smoother. Since I hot glued my shells to the fishing wire, it took FOREVER to attach each shell. Thankfully on Friday night I found a new way of attaching them and I so wish I would have found it earlier. It made the process go super fast. I would tape the fishing wire to my counter and slide the "shells" underneath it. I would move them around and play with the layout until I found the layout I wanted. I would do 5 strands at a time. Then I would go with my hot glue gun and dab little beads of glue on each shell and move on. In the time it would take me to do one strand normally, I was able to kick out 5. By the time I put the last drop of glue on the final shell, the first strand was usually dry so I could pull them up and start over. I was able to finish about 40 strands of shells while I watched The Wizard of Oz on my iPad!

After I finished it all, I did the math to figure out how many shells were made. I ended up cutting and attaching 1,197 shells. I about fell over when I found that out. I knew that it was a lot of them, but when I actually did the math and found out exactly how many it was I was really surprised. This project ultimately cost me about $25 which isn't too bad and I have many intentions of leaving it up for many years to come. I figured any project that I invest that many hours into is going to stay up for

quite some time.

Original light.

New Light -- Off

New Light -- On

Moving On...

I wish I could post some good news. That I called our insurance company and they told me we have amazing fertility assistance coverage and that everything would be covered. That I then found a wonderful RE who has great results and we were able to get an appointment and we're hopeful and excited. I can't.

We have ZERO fertility assistance coverage. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Medications aren't even covered. If we want to pursue finding an RE and trying to make this happen it will be 100% out of pocket and that's something we just can't do right now. Realizing that was so defeating and devastating. My whole life I have worked towards this goal of having a big family. I would give my left arm just to have ONE healthy child. I don't even need a pair. I'll be happy with one. Growing up I always said I would never have an only child. Now I would gladly sign in blood to have that arrangement.

Realizing that fertility assistance might not be in the cards at this time I turned to other options, like adoption. T and I had talked about it before and are both open to the idea. My goal is to be a mom, not just pregnant. I know in my heart I could love an adopted child as much as a biological child. It takes a hell of a lot more than genetics to make a parent and family. I know people who would say they just couldn't love an adopted child the same. These people are also people who haven't encountered any fertility struggles. When you have a dream, like being a parent, you begin to look at the big picture. I want to be a mom. Whether my child grows in my heart or my womb, that child would be MINE.

Sadly, adoption isn't much of an option either. The fees associated with it are breath taking and it too has it's own emotional roller coaster. One that I don't think I'm mentally sound enough to get on at this point. Maybe someday, just not today. So where does that leave us? Just us. For right now it's going to be just us. I'm considering taking a break from temping and charting and just go back to living my life. Maybe we'll get a miracle and conceive a child and I'll actually be able to carry him/her to term. Or maybe an opportunity to adopt will present itself. Or maybe it's just not in our cards. All I know is mentally I'm not in a good place at all. The up's and down's of everything has weighed me down so much and I really need to try to get centered again. For now, no more posts about cycles or charting or OPK's. No more baby planning or dreaming about what could be. I have held everything in for so long and I've reached my breaking point.

The best part of this....today is CD1...

Square One...

I will preface this post with a warning that I'm pretty much an emotional basket case right now. It'll probably jump around and make no sense, but it's important to me to actually document what this roller coaster from hell is actually like.

I got my "results" back today. I use that term loosely because the "results" aren't accurate. Come to find out my progesterone tests were not being done at the accurate point in my cycle. While I thought these last two "testing" cycles were to figure out the problem so we could attack it, they were in reality just another two months wasted. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. The whole "CD21" test is actually more of a term. It just means 7DPO. Not exactly CD21. So when my doc was having my testing done on exactly CD21, it wasn't giving accurate results. The "results" were that I didn't ovulate. Despite my positive OPK's and clear thermal shift, I didn't actually do it. Or if I did, the egg wasn't any good.

I did my absolute best on the phone to not flip out and yell at the poor assistant, but towards the end I think she figured out I was upset since I was crying by that point. Where do we go from here? We start over. I am today sadly at the exact same spot I was months ago after our loss. That point is no more closer to being a mom. To say it's devastating is the understatement of the century. Sure, it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you are the one riding this emotional roller coaster and trying your best to hang onto your sanity, even the smallest bumps feel like an earthquake.

So, the game plan that I'm putting into effect starts with a call to our insurance company tomorrow. I am going to find out what our benefits are for infertility assistance and plan allowing, will try to find an RE. I don't need an OB at this point. I'm not pregnant. I need someone who deals with these issues every day and will do the correct testing at the correct time and come up with a plan for us. Will I go back to my OB once I am pregnant? I don't know. I loved her and she was so nice, but it's a bit scary how little she knew about these issues and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with putting the life of my unborn child in her hands. We'll see.

I super hope that things can start to go smoothly because I'm pretty maxed out at this point.

Testing, Family & Cleaning...

Testing...

2nd progesterone draw was on Friday. Once again the phlebotomist ignored the directions that she told me to give to her (butterfly in the right arm) and used the regular needle and went into my left. I'm used to her ignoring me at this point since I've had a dozen blood draws from her. As every other time, she lost my vein and had to fish. On Friday my arm was looking pretty banged up, but it doesn't look so bad today. I'm anxious for these results because in theory my doc will make a decision once they are back. I'm just hoping we can get back to TTCAL soon! If all goes well, we could possibly have an August baby which would be hilarious because that would be a 3rd generation August birthday in my immediate family alone (my dad is 1 week before me.) My family has a butt ton of August birthdays, so one more would be cool.

Family...

My sister had my nephew Thursday and I am happy to report he is doing well, as is she. He was smaller then predicted at 8 lbs, 12 oz & 19.5 inches long. Sure he's a big boy, but they were guesstimating him at over 9 pounds! My mom has been texting me a butt ton of pics and he's ADORABLE! I won't be posting any pics since it's rude to post pics of someone else's kid without asking them and I don't want my family to know about this blog just yet. Maybe someday, but not today. For now, it's for me. They were released today and are now at home adjusting. My mom thinks he's going to be a screamer like my sister, but hopefully  he'll mellow out. If kids act like you though when you were a kid, I'm stoked because I was an AWESOME baby! I slept...a lot. Not much has changed actually...

Cleaning...

I finally got around to doing my big green cleaning session and I'm here to tell you, I'm NEVER going back. I will admit, shamefully, that I did use windex. Only because I forgot to bookmark the recipe I found and didn't feel like searching for it when I was already cleaning. I did use the general surface cleaner and the floor cleaner and OMG love them! I also used a recipe I found for toilet bowl cleaner. It's baking soda, olive oil & a few drops of essential oil. Worked wonderfully and it makes me feel so much better knowing if my dogs were to sneak a drink they'd be okay. Normally we keep all the lids closed, but sometimes you forget if you are in a hurry or it's the middle of the night.

The surface cleaner was awesome and so simple to make. I will admit it did make everything smell like vinegar when I was wiping them, but once they dried, you couldn't smell the vinegar at all. Even T said he couldn't smell it. I would just spray it on the counter or sink and wipe with a cloth. I also followed it up with a soft dry cloth to prevent the solution from staying on the surface too long. Not that it's horrible and going to eat at your stuff, but vinegar is pretty acidic and considering the essential oil I used was lemon, that's quite a bit going on. So I played it a bit safe.

I also used vinegar in my mopping session and I'm telling you, I'm throwing every other stupid mop OUT! I'll keep my steam mop for those quick "oh shit" moments, but the Clorox and Swiffer wet jet are not allowed in this home. My new mop worked wonderfully and my floors are literally squeaky clean. The floor cleaner is simply hot water, vinegar, baking soda & a few drops of essential oil (lemon again since it's the only one I'll use.) Bit of advice, when you are making the cleaning solution, fill your bucket maybe 1/4 of the way with the hot water, add the baking soda and the vinegar and the essential oils. I'm only saying this because baking soda and vinegar don't play well together so they do that awesome volcano explosion action. Cool to look at, but had I not left my water level low, it would have been messy. After the fizzy dies down fill the rest of the bucket up to about 3/4 full.

I know a lot of people are anti old school mopping, but I'm here to tell you if you do it right it's a million times better than the stupid "quick" mops. Trust me. I'm mad OCD about germs (like actually diagnosed by a medical professional who spent many years studying psychology.) I know a lot of the arguments are you are just using dirty water or takes your floors too long to dry and if those are your arguments, you are mopping wrong. It's easy to do it wrong honestly. My mopping sessions are a crap ton faster with an actual mop & bucket then they are with the Clorox/Swiffer mops. I follow the same patter every time, sweep the floor, do the baseboards then the floor. I always change the water between rooms and even multiple times when mopping large areas like the kitchen. I know some hate pouring the water in their bathtub or sink, but both are always the last to get cleaned in this house so it's no big deal to me. Not to mention, it's water, vinegar, baking soda and some oils, not exactly harsh on the drain.

If you find your floors take too long to dry, then you are using too much water. The goal is to get a good mop that you can squeeze the water out of. Your actual mop head should be damp, not soaking wet. I squeeze mine out a few times so when I have to put elbow grease into it the water doesn't come flowing from the mop. My floors dry really fast and by the time I'm done mopping the next room, the first one is completely dry. I also wear socks when I mop. When your floor is damp the dirt from your feet is going to stick to it like a SOB. It also prevents slipping if you are wearing the right socks. For me, I wear white so I can do the white sock test to see if I missed a spot. Another thing, the mop I got isn't a square mop so I was able to get it into those hard to reach spots behind the toilets with no problems. Using the other crappy ones, or even a square mop I had to rock the old school hands and knees. So I wasn't feeling as sore after this session.

I was successfully able to deep clean the kitchen, all three bathrooms and the foyer in about 45 min from start to finish. Not too shabby, then again I have cleaning down to a science from doing it so much. Next on my agenda is to come up with a good carpet solution for those dirty spots (thank you doggies!) and help with the smells. Eventually all carpet will be removed from my house with the exception of the theater (for sound control), but for now I have to deal with it. Let me tell you, when you have OCD about germs, carpet is the WORST thing to have because it's never really "clean." No matter how good your vacuum is, dirt gets caught in the fibers. I also found a few good tips to help with the air quality in your home, so some plants will be moving in.

All in all I'm really pleased with the transition into green cleaning and now that I've seen the results, I'm really confident this is going to be a permanent change.

Lots

I'm lazy so I'm covering a lot of topics in one post.

DIY Projects:

1. Dry Erase Board. While perusing my new love Pinterest, I came across this wicked cute idea. I had most of the supplies on hand so all I needed to get was some fabric and some dry erase markers. I ended up spending less than $5 to accomplish this thanks to the awesome fabric find that my mom found at Joann's during our way too long fabric hunt. I'm pleased with the final product despite the lovely burn I have on my right arm from the iron. Apparently my iron heats up FAST! I was in the laundry room doing laundry and wasn't paying attention since I had just turned on my iron, yeah it was HOT.

2. Mirror. I mentioned in a prior post that I bought a new mirror at Ikea that I had been lusting after. I hated the black color so my original idea was white. T painted it and I ended up hating it. So we painted it a pretty bold, but gorgeous color. I am waiting to post it until I have it up on the wall because without it being in place you won't appreciate it's full awesome factor.

Mirror Before

First After

 3. Capiz Chandelier. Still chugging along with it. It's taking a hella long time and is so frustrating and the worst part is I'm not falling in love with it. The more I work on it, the more aggravated I get with it causing me to despise it. After I finish it (this month!) we will hang it in the laundry room until I make my decision if I like it. If I don't, it will stay in the laundry room and I'll do something else for the dining room. I want to love it, so we'll see.

4. Curtains. I have recruited my mom to help me with new curtains for our sliding glass door. When we painted, actually when my dad and T painted and I watched, our much hated vertical blinds bit it so we had to do a quick solution. The curtains I had hanging above my windows became our sliding glass door curtains. They aren't long enough, they don't match and I hate them. Thanks to Pinterest (T is really beginning to hate that website) I found the PERFECT curtains. You'll have to wait and see!

Going Green Update

So I slept on the linens and are happy to report NO reaction. In fact, they were SO soft. Much like my clothes, they didn't have much of a smell, so that wasn't a problem either. T has officially given me the okay to wash his uniforms in it as well! That'll be this weekend, so wish me luck.

Baby Front

We're as close today as we were on March 20th to being parents. I had to call this afternoon to verify my blood draw for Friday, which I'm not at all looking forward to. The phlebotomist sucks, there are usually tons of pregnant women there and for some reason I always feel like I have to rehash my entire history with the staff. Why they can't just read my chart is beyond me. Hopefully we'll have a game plan soon that won't involve anymore testing because that would just royally piss me off. We are now over 6 months post m/c and still don't have the green light. I'm over it really! I'm trying to stay positive and distracted and it works, sometimes, but the closer I get to my original due date, the harder it is to stay distracted. I really hate that I thought I would be pregnant again by November 1st. Who knows if we'll even have a plan by then.

Going Green: The Dirt on Laundry

Unfortunately, I did not acccomplish my goal of a big green cleaning session on Saturday night. Due to my own poor time management (aka, stayed up too late Friday night playing The Sims 3) I was dead tired by Saturday evening so it didn't go down. I did however, do my laundry! I went into the laundry with high hopes that it would be a success and it was!

First up was our bed linens. I had to wash the sheets, the quilt and our uber soft white blanket. For these I did do 2 scoops because normally I have to use the large portion of detergent and I wasn't sure what I was going to have to do with the DIY stuff. Everything came out smelling fresh, not scented, but fresh. It all passed the soft test, nothing felt scratchy and our white blanket ended up coming out REALLY bright. That was a big and pleasant surprise. Since we've had it for like 3 years now, it has become a really dull cream color. When I pulled it out of the dryer, it was fluffy, soft and really bright. I'll have to report back with how they do on the sleep test since I obviously haven't slept on them yet.

I didn't do T's uniforms in it only because I wasn't sure how it would turn out and there was NO way I was going to risk $500 in uniforms being jacked up so they got the old stuff. Everything else got the new detergent, 1 scoop each load, and so far everything seems fine. My clothes feel soft, the whites are SUPER bright. Most of my colors seem okay, but since they are all pretty faded they didn't come out nearly as bright as my whites. I'm actually wearing some of the stuff washed in the new detergent and I don't notice much of a difference which I consider to be a success. I have super sensitive skin and I'm not having an itchy feelings or such.

Eventually I would like to try switching T's uniforms to the new stuff, but I'm going to give the DIY goods a few more shots before I make the change. The only thing that is a bit of a change is the lack of smell. Normally my clothes smell like whatever detergent or dryer sheets I'm using. After being out of the dryer for a couple hours, my clothes don't smell like anything. That's a bummer just cause I got so used to that Mountain Fresh type smell, but I'm sure I'll be happier with this.

On the other DIY front, I have A LOT going on and A LOT planned. To try to keep my expenses at bay, I'm going to do a list of what tasks I want to accomplish each month and my budget for them. If I am planning something big, obviously the other small ones will have to wait, but I'll report on that later. For now, it's off to bed to test out the linens.