Square One...

I will preface this post with a warning that I'm pretty much an emotional basket case right now. It'll probably jump around and make no sense, but it's important to me to actually document what this roller coaster from hell is actually like.

I got my "results" back today. I use that term loosely because the "results" aren't accurate. Come to find out my progesterone tests were not being done at the accurate point in my cycle. While I thought these last two "testing" cycles were to figure out the problem so we could attack it, they were in reality just another two months wasted. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. The whole "CD21" test is actually more of a term. It just means 7DPO. Not exactly CD21. So when my doc was having my testing done on exactly CD21, it wasn't giving accurate results. The "results" were that I didn't ovulate. Despite my positive OPK's and clear thermal shift, I didn't actually do it. Or if I did, the egg wasn't any good.

I did my absolute best on the phone to not flip out and yell at the poor assistant, but towards the end I think she figured out I was upset since I was crying by that point. Where do we go from here? We start over. I am today sadly at the exact same spot I was months ago after our loss. That point is no more closer to being a mom. To say it's devastating is the understatement of the century. Sure, it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you are the one riding this emotional roller coaster and trying your best to hang onto your sanity, even the smallest bumps feel like an earthquake.

So, the game plan that I'm putting into effect starts with a call to our insurance company tomorrow. I am going to find out what our benefits are for infertility assistance and plan allowing, will try to find an RE. I don't need an OB at this point. I'm not pregnant. I need someone who deals with these issues every day and will do the correct testing at the correct time and come up with a plan for us. Will I go back to my OB once I am pregnant? I don't know. I loved her and she was so nice, but it's a bit scary how little she knew about these issues and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with putting the life of my unborn child in her hands. We'll see.

I super hope that things can start to go smoothly because I'm pretty maxed out at this point.