Starts With Goodbye

"Sad, but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye."

- Starts With Goodbye (Carrie Underwood)

This post has been a long time coming. However, it's still a little sad to actually write. For over 2 years this blog has been such a huge release for me. A place to express my fears, my joys and every other emotion that has popped up in there. It's got evidence of some of the happiest days of my life and sadly evidence of the saddest days of my life.

Our lives have taken such a dramatic turn that I have found this blog holding me back more than helping me move forward. I know I can't run away from the events that have lead up to this, but I feel like it's time for us to start anew. It's time for us to face, accept and embrace our reality. That reality would be, Childfree, not by choice.

We have another blog that we're working on. I haven't finished getting all the posts up yet, but they are definitely in the works. It'll be a blog focused around our actual lives, our home and this new reality of ours. I don't plan on posting that link here because I don't want the blogs connected. Though our past absolutely affects our present and future, it's time that we let this go. We cannot allow this part of our life to be what defines us.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, to comment and to allow me the chance to open up and be myself and let my feelings (sometimes very dark) out there. I wish everyone the very best and don't worry, we'll be okay.

Much Love Always.

Up In Flames

**This post is rate R due to strong language. Reading discretion is advised**

To celebrate CD1 I figured I'd come out of my lack of blogging corner and let y'all know just how awesome my first Femara cycle was.

That was sarcasm. This cycle sucked.

I just felt like my body said "Fuck you" over and over and over. Like a broken record.

First up was my baseline u/s on 5/2. We learned that my ovaries were looking nice and fucked up as ever. Despite that Dr. Magneto felt it was okay to proceed with Femara. Sweet.

Second, fuck everyone who says Femara doesn't have side effects. Like seriously. FUCK YOU. It wasn't Clomid bad, but it wasn't exactly the easiest medication to be on. I thought for sure my right ovary had developed like a hundred cysts with how bad my cramping was.

Third, my follow up u/s. It was on 5/16 and was supposed to be the day we triggered. Of course my ovaries weren't quite there yet. Why would they be? That would be helpful. Either way, I was surprised to learn that my right ovary only had 1 follie measuring 18mm (cramps said freaking otherwise) and 1 follie on my left measuring 13mm. They weren't unhappy with the results, just not really happy. It was okay, they decided to push my trigger back a couple of days to allow them a few more days. No biggie right?

Well of course my body would NEVER do what it's supposed to and I got a positive OPK that night. FML.

I called the RE on Friday morning and they said to go ahead and trigger. It was okay, my right had a decent follie. It can work. So we were given our marching orders on when to have sex, start my progesterone, etc.

Trigger shot was a blast. Like honestly. Keeping in line with it being a shitastic cycle I had an awful reaction to the damn thing. My stomach got all red and sore. It hurt to wear clothes. It also made me feel like crap. So I spent the next few days feeling like complete and utter shit, but I told  myself it would be worth it.

I was told not to use OPK's after my trigger, but to keep on temping, that would show my shift right? Well, yeah, no. My temp wasn't rising. We knew I O'd, but it wasn't rising. In fact, it didn't even remotely go up until 5DPO. Mind you, I was already taking Crinone so it should have been up there.

Then shit went downhill about 2 days ago when the cramping started, then spotting and sure enough today my cycle showed. So basically I paid $1,000 to feel like shit and not end up pregnant. Yay me. Surprisingly there weren't tears. I'm at the point where I'm just done. I'm done. Really. Sure, we've only done 1 RE cycle, but the frustration, the disappointment, the stress, all that is not new. In fact, we're years into that. I think this cycle just broke my back. I just felt like my body kept saying over and over "STOP THIS MADNESS." How many signs do I need that my body isn't built to do this? Another loss? More money thrown away? We're THOUSANDS of dollars into this and nothing. All I have to show for it is a terrible attitude, a broken heart and a marriage that is shakey at best.

Well, so much for no tears. Here they are.

I hate what this has done to me. I hate what this has done to us. I hate that I'm still fighting my insurance company about paying for charges related to our most recent loss and subsequent testing. I hate that for so many people it seems like this is so easy and for me it's not. I hate that I will never be able to go back to being the person I was before all this. I hate that there is anyone who has to know this pain. I hate that there are people out there who don't appreciate just how fucking lucky they truly are.

Uterus, I'm throwing in the towel. You win...my heart can't take the disappointment anymore.

Femara Cycle 1

We are officially going green for our first Femara cycle. The game plan is:

Femara + Trigger + TI + Crinone

I had my baseline u/s on Monday with Dr. Magneto and he was happy with the results so he cleared us to go. I started the Femara last night and will take it through Friday. I will start my OPK's on Monday and unless I get a + OPK before then, I will have my follow up u/s on Thursday the 16th (CD14). Depending on how my ovaries look and how big my follie(s) are, we will trigger on our around then.

It's mixed emotions during this cycle. One, frustration because it shouldn't have to be a science experiment. I really shouldn't. Two, happy because we are finally at a point where we have a good chance. Three, nervousness because lets face it, it's scary. Four, fearful. Getting pregnant again just to lose another pregnancy would devastate me. I'm trying to stay positive, but we know there is still that chance.

Ovaries, you bitches better play nice cause mama just shelled out a fat amount of cash. Let's get 'er done shall we?

What Does "RE" Mean?

Reproductive Endocrinologist Really Expensive

Today was the meeting with the finance department at our RE's office. As much as I like this office, I mean their staff is wicked nice and Dr. Magneto is about 1 award away from epic, the reality is you get what you pay for. I've quickly realized they are not the Wal Mart of RE's. Oh no, they are the Jimmy Choo's. And here I thought it would be a waste to spend that kind of money on shoes. How quickly my mind is changing.

Anyway, I sat down with Brittany this morning to get down to brass tacks. Exactly how much are these medicated cycles going to cost?

First let's start with my baseline u/s that I have to have. That comes in at $365. That's literally just to make sure my ovaries are cyst free and to make sure my problem child right ovary is normal.

Then we get into the nitty gritty. Since we're doing ovulation induction and timed intercourse our costs aren't as steep as they could be. I'm sure there are going to people who read this post and go "oh Whaaa, poor baby." Yes, we're aware that we're on the fertile end of infertility which means we're on the cheaper end of this, but it still doesn't take away from the reality that this is going to suck.

One medicated cycle (ie: one month) will cost us roughly $500 - $750, depending on the number of u/s's that I need to have. In fact, it could even be up to $1,000 should my right ovary just suck massively and become cystopia. Dr. Magneto has ordered 6-9 cycles of this regime.

Now it could all change should my ovaries not respond to the Femara (warning to my ovaries, you bitches had better get your shit together!) and we have to change to a different med. It could also change should he decide to switch over to IUI which would roughly add on another $750 - $1000 per cycle.

So the real question is has the sticker price changed our minds? Not really. Unfortunately it does put a slight delay in things. Due to the price, we are going to have to wait one cycle to start this and will most likely have to alternate every other cycle. This next cycle will be with Crinone only. Then the next will be monitored/medicated cycle. Then Crinone, then medicated. You get the jist. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We're paying for IF treatments outright and we have to do what our budget allows.

My Uterus: Vacancy

We had our meeting with the RE yesterday, we’ll call him Dr. Magneto. Yes, I know that he was the villain in X-Men, but his real last name starts with an M so it’s fitting.

Anyway, Dr. Magneto has a plan. A good one at that.

Femara + Crinone + TI

He’s confident that my P4 deficiency is ultimately what is stopping my pregnancies. I mentioned to him that during the last pregnancy we did supplement with Crinone (after we found out it was failing), but he said that with patients who have a deficiency they really need to supplement it before a pregnancy occurs not after. He used the metaphor of a seed. You have better luck with fertilizer when you fertilize the ground prior to planting your seeds, not after. That way the nutrients are there when the seed starts to grow. So that’s what he’s hoping to do. To get my P4 to where it should be before an embryo tries to set up shop.

Since we were given the all clear from Doc back on the 18th (before I O’d) we did try this cycle so Dr. Magneto prescribed Crinone for this cycle as well, starting at 6DPO. Normally I’ll start at 2DPO, but he said it’s better than nothing. I was surprised though because he said I only need to take the Crinone every other day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about this. I absolutely hated taking it twice a day back during my pregnancy with Offspring, but I thought I took it because I had to. He said no, you don’t need it twice a day, especially since it’s delivered pretty much at the needed location (try not to visualize that!). We might have to adjust that should a pregnancy occur and it shows my P4 is still struggling, but for now once a day every other day.

If we are unsuccessful this first go, which I totally imagine we are considering we only got one attempt in, the game plan is to call his nurses line on CD1. They will set up my baseline u/s to make sure my ovaries (specifically my trouble making right one) don’t have any current cysts and then I’ll start the Femara. Followed by my psycho use of OPK’s to make sure I don’t miss my surge (thank goodness for my recent bulk purchase of 100 OPK’s!) and then it’s show time. At 2DPO I will start the Crinone in the AM’s on every other day. I am to take Crinone until 14DPO and if a pregnancy is not confirmed I will stop the supplement and allow my body to start CD1 of the next cycle.

We’re excited and a little nervous. It’s always nerve wracking to go on meds, especially when your biggest fear is you’ll end up as the Octomom. I know that Femara has a very low percentage of even twins, but I still fear that we’ll be one of “those” people. I’m also nervous about the actual side effects of the meds. Clomid turned me into a psycho one woman show who made Mommy Dearest look sane. He assured me that Femara most likely will not have the same effects, but you never know.

So that’s the dealio. We’re finally getting expert advice from the expert and it feels good. Maybe we’ll be blessed yet.

What's New?

Once upon a time I used to love blogging.

Currently I don't feel that way. Thankfully my awesome friend Jenn reminded me that it's okay that I'm depressing and down. I'm allowed to be. We just had our 2 year angelversary of our beloved Spawn and we're 3 months past our loss of Offspring. I'm allowed to be bitter and cynical so thank you Jenn for reminding me!

Updates....

We have an appointment with a RE on the 27th. I know, I know, we said we weren't going to see one, but an opportunity presented itself and we have to take it. It got to the point that neither Doc nor Dr. Awesome would even prescribe progesterone for me. They just kept saying "go to the RE, go to the RE" so my mom worked her magic (I swear that woman is like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio at times) and we have our appointment next week.

We're finally doing flooring in the house. About time right? We're starting with the downstairs floor first and then will move upstairs. We've picked out the tile and the guy is coming early next week to measure so we can order the tile. Hopefully that will get started in the next week or two. It'll be lovely to finally have new flooring.

Of course the new flooring means we'll be doing some other DIY projects that we've been putting off. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk and blog about those. We could use some happy posts right?

On the adoption front, the meeting got cancelled. We're going to schedule another one after we meet with the RE. We want to make sure we are making the right decisions for us.

Insurance, Testing and Other Jumbled Thoughts…

Let’s start with the happy news that I finally paid off my HSG from last year. Hallelujah! Took me long enough right?! Well that’s what happens when your insurance sucks and you are forced to pay for everything out of pocket. I’m not comfortable going into debt on the IF thing, so out of pocket in the form on easy monthly payments work for us.

Just in time to have that paid off too because I’m fighting with my insurance company over the blood work I had done. Apparently when the doctor’s office submitted the paperwork, they coded it as infertility testing. Uh, no. That’s not what it was for, but nice try. I spoke with my insurance company and explained the situation and they advised my doctor’s office would have to resubmit the paperwork coded correctly. So a few calls and a couple panic attacks later the paperwork was recoded and resubmitted. It’s going through the appeal process right now. Get this, if they still won’t cover it we have to pay the full $3,300 bill. Yeah, talk about freaking out.

Speaking of my blood work, interesting development. I called Doc’s office to schedule my appointment to go over the game plan for trying again. You know, progesterone when we’ll do beta’s and all that boring jazz. I remembered before I called that she had mentioned some “mutation”, but said it wasn’t important and I dismissed it thinking she was the Doc who was qualified to make that judgment. Well, when I called to make my appointment I asked the receptionist to pull my chart and just give me the name of the not important mutation.

MTHFR C677T Single Mutation

What the what?! I’ve heard the ladies on the board talk about MTHFR before so I knew there was a chance it wasn’t “not important”. I got to googling everything I could about it and I think I know why she thought it wasn’t important. Apparently the medical community is pretty divided about MTHFR and if it really plays a role in recurring losses. She could be in the camp that feels it doesn’t play a role. Well, as a woman who has had recurring losses if there is something we can easily fix to prevent them, then let’s get on it. I have a list of questions and such to go over with her. I’m sure she loves patients like me.

On the adoption front, not much going on. It's March now (yay!) which means in a few short weeks we'll have our first information session. I'm really looking forward to it. We're also working on house crap (ugh) and I think I've finally picked out flooring. Then again by tomorrow I could have changed my mind.

Books and Stuff

We got the other 2 adoption books we ordered this weekend. I was very excited to see that box sitting on my counter when I came home. Now to start the never ending reading that is about to take place. We have quite a list of adoption books that we are adding to our "to read" list so I need to get this party started. I'm hoping to at least finish You Can Adopt before our meeting with the agency on the 16th.

Speaking of the meeting, T talked to a co-worker of his about adoption (M has adopted 2 children) and M gave us the name of his agency and little overview of how his adoptions went. He offered to sit down with us and go over everything and answer any questions we might have. It's nice to actually know someone who has done this already because it makes this feel a little less scary. Like it is possible. So we have another agency that we can check out. I plan on speaking with multiple agencies to find one that we feel fits us and our needs.

We are also looking into an adoption lawyer. Great thing about working in the field I do I get attorney recommendations for pretty much anything. This recommendation came through my mom from someone she works with. It's great to have those connections. So we plan on calling this office to at least get a consult about their practice and what not. We're definitely moving in the right direction on this.

After much talking, we have decided to try at least one more time. If the pregnancy is to end in a loss, then we're done. Three seems to be like a good stopping point. We still plan on pursuing the adoption because at some point we will be adopting so we might as well get the process underway. We talked about it a lot and this just feels right for us right now. Of course it's subject to change. Like anything.

I need to make an appointment with Doc to talk about trying again and get a game plan on possible pregnancy #3. We're not putting all our eggs in this basket though, adoption is still our main focus.

We've Got A Meeting

With the adoption agency on March 16th!! It's their public information meeting and it was recommended by the agency director to attend. She said it's a good starting point because they also have other families adopting attending and have families who have adopted there. So we can speak with them and get their experience and such. We'll also get all the information paperwork about their prices and the process and such. Afterwards we'll have our one on one with the agency.

We're feeling excited and a little scared. This is all new uncharted territory for us and it's a little unnerving, but we're still excited.

:deep breaths:

I made an Amazon.com purchase after some serious discussions with T over the past couple of days. Want a hint?

It's one of 3 books that were purchased about the same topic, but this one is extra special. It's the first purchase we've made for our future child.

We have decided we're done pursuing biological children and putting our focus into expanding our family through adoption. If a pregnancy is to happen, okay we'll adjust, but we're not holding our breath. 2013 will be spent focusing on paying off debts (boy is adoption expensive!) and getting the house ready on top of getting emotionally ready.

We're very excited about this new path!

Blah, Just Blah

Do you ever feel like everything just goes wrong in your life? I mean, just one thing after another? Yep, that pretty much sums up our life right now.

Of course my body sucks (well at least it's consistent on sucking) and I only had an 8 day LP. So big fuck you to my uterus. Then T and I both got sicker than a freaking dog. I never call in sick to work and I've had to call in sick twice both times during my AF because I was sick on top of it.

T also didn't get the position he was interviewing for. Yep, right now I'm just one big ball of fuck you universe for not letting a single damn thing go right. I don't get it either. I thought people who work hard and do things "right" get rewarded, not constantly get the finger from karma. I just don't understand who I have pissed off.

All Over The Place

Excuse this mess of a post. It's going to be all over the place, sort of like my mind right now.

Therapy
Had my appointment with my therapist on Thursday. It was like a therapy appointment is supposed to be. Emotional and makes you question how it's actually going to help. You get to rehash all the crap that makes you sad and have someone call you out on your crap. I know in the end it will help me because she truly is a great therapist and knows what's ultimately my issue, my insane need to have constant control. I just keep telling myself that you have to get through the storm to get to the rainbow.

Ovulation

Much to my surprise I have ovulated already. I actually ovulated slightly earlier than normal which I'm not holding my breath to be my new normal. I O'd on CD17 which is 2 days earlier. I'm mostly surprise just because my first cycle post loss last time was awful and I didn't O until CD27. To do it so early this month was just shocking to me is all.

Now is the ridiculous wait to see how long my LP will be. I'm hoping for at least a 10. I know, I know, that's asking for a lot all things considered, but I really hope that if there is any good that can come out of this it'll be that my LP got longer. At least in double digits. We'll see.


Wow

Have you ever had something happen that leaves you speechless and going "I cannot believe people like this actually exist"? That was me this morning. I checked my mailbox and I was completely surprised to find a box from a wonderful person I've gotten to know through the boards, Jenn. I waited until T was awake and we opened the box together. I lost it. In a good way.

Her gift was so incredibly generous and touched me is a such a way. I never imagined when I joined the boards the real life friendships that would be formed. Today I consider myself very lucky and incredibly blessed to have Jenn in my life and to be able to call her a friend. Her gift reminded me that even though I feel like I'm missing so much, I still have so many wonderful things and people in my life. Jenn, thank you so much for betting a wonderful person and for making me smile. 

"Normal"

While most people would be relieved and feel like a weight was lifted off their chest to find out that their blood work was normal I’m completely beside myself. I went into this morning’s appointment with the hope that they found something, especially since she had to run a 2nd test. Not that I want something to be wrong, but at least we could possibly have an answer and an idea of what is going wrong and possibly a treatment plan. Not knowing is awful. It really is.

She went over everything, all normal. I asked about the 2nd test she had to run and she said that it was only because my levels were slightly elevated the 1st time, but the 2nd test (which is more accurate because you are fasting) was normal. So we are no closer to having an answer than we were the day after the loss of Offspring.

I did a good job keeping it together in her office. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really say anything honestly. I just sat there nodding to what she said. I think she could tell that’s not what I wanted to hear and she finally just said “some couples never know why they can’t.”

I felt really prepared for this appointment. I mean, we started talking about adoption and we had a plan either way. If it came back there was something we’d correct it and try again. If it came back I was normal we’d say to hell with it and pursue adoption. I didn’t prepare for the emotions that would come. I guess I didn’t realize how much my heart really needed an answer.

When I got into my car and on the phone with T that’s when all the tears started and then sweet jeebus they wouldn’t stop. I drove really slowly to work in hopes that I could get my tears under control, but it was so damn hard. By the time I was pulling into my office building almost 20 minutes later I had barely stopped crying. Then they have been off and on which is awesome while at work.

It seriously sucks that you get these curve balls that knock the wind out of you. I felt like we were getting to a good place with all this and confident and in control and then this just knocked me back some 80 steps. It made me realize that no matter how much we really try to prepare ourselves, we cannot control our hearts and what breaks them. It also made me realize how much I push everything down. Here I thought I was fine, when really I just pushed everything down because I didn’t want to feel it or deal with it.

We’re not making any decisions right now. I’ve put in a call to a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief in hopes that maybe she can help me sort through all this. Universe, please let this therapist be taking new patients. I think you sort of owe me at this point.

Our Angels

I'm so excited to say our angels have arrived!!

The night before my D&C I went on Etsy trying to find something to memorialize our little Offspring. I have a necklace from my mom for Spawn and I wanted something tangible for Offspring as well. During my search I came across these angel candle holders and fell in love.

I contacted the seller and asked if they can do them in any color, specifically in two birthstones Ruby & Topaz. The seller responded by saying they can do any color you'd like so I of course ordered two right up. Then the holidays happened, the poor guy got sick, I had to dog sit. So I finally got to see my angels last night and I LOVE THEM!

They absolutely took my breath away and it makes us feel complete in a way. I feel like now these two babes who meant so very much to us will forever be present in our home, as they should be. I especially love to watch the candles flicker behind the colored glass because it reminds me of my two babes little beating hearts. A small symbol of two lives who never got the chance to really live.

Spawn & Offspring, mommy & daddy love you to the moon & back.

From The Beginning...Again...

Friday marked CD1 for TTA Cycle #1. A bittersweet milestone.

On top of that Doc's office called today and they ordered another blood test, fasting serum homocysteine. I did some Dr. Google which is never a good idea. I'm just trusting she knows what she's doing. The only thing that got me worried was the nurse asked if I had my follow up scheduled. I said no that Doc was waiting for the results and the nurse said "Okay, well schedule that when you come in tomorrow." Awesome, what did she find?

It's Not Healthy, I KNOW

Look, I know the anger isn't healthy. I know the jealousy isn't healthy. I know rolling my eyes at pregnant women isn't healthy. I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

It's funny, some people think I'm taking this loss so much better than the last. Me, I think I'm doing much worse. At least last time I was mostly sad and crying. This time, I'm so damn angry I can hardly see straight. I'm mad at the universe. I'm mad at myself. I'm just mad.

This past weekend my mom and I went to see Les Miserables, which by the way is amazing, and I could totally relate to one verse from I Dreamed a Dream:

     "I had a dream my life would be
      So different from this hell I'm living
      So different now from what it seemed
      Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

          - Fantine in I Dreamed a Dream (Les Miserables)

That's exactly how I feel. I am at the point that I feel like we will never get there. We will never know the joy of holding a little one in our arms. One to call our own. I had such big dreams for T and I and our family and it feels like they are just shot dead in the water.

T and I went out for dinner tonight and I told him I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mother. There is no denying that and I'm not saying I don't, but my question is at what point do we pull the plug on this? Am I a little girl who is dreaming of becoming a fairy princess? Something that can never be achieved? I never even tried to imagine my life without kids because that was never going to be my reality, but here I am.

We're not making any decisions. Obviously everything is still raw and I'm clearly just not in a good place. I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I used to be so optimistic, now not so much. I have changed in so many ways and I'm not sure I'll ever be back to where I was.

Follow Up

You know, there's nothing quite like sitting in a waiting room at an OB/GYN's office full of pregnant women when you are waiting for your follow up appointment about your D&C because you lost another baby. No really, it warms my heart. Especially when most of them are complaining...




Follow up appointment went okay. We are officially benched for 3 cycles which just makes me freaking thrilled. Not that I was that eager to jump back on the horse, but I would much prefer to have the not trying thing be my choice!

I did speak with the doc about blood work since our losses have been consecutive and she agreed that we need to try to start ruling stuff out. 5 vials of blood later I was on my way to work. She said I should get the results in 2 weeks or so. She's waiting for all the results to come back before we go over everything, that way we're not waiting for the other foot to drop.

The appointment was pretty much what I expected. No answers, many questions and more frustration that we're back at square one just a tad more bitter.