DPO & Babblings...

To say that I was on my A game this cycle is a gross understatement. I was determined to catch my O this month and let me tell you, I DID! I actually did something I never do and that's start testing what I suspected to be very early in my cycle. Missing last months O made me a bit psychotic this cycle so I started on CD7 in the evening. Even though I ended up using 19 OPK's this cycle (yikes!) I'm still glad I did it. We had awesome timing as a result so here's to hoping!!

Now that I've O'd, it's time to wait for FF to give me my crosshairs, that I already know I'm going to disagree with. My temp was a bit weird the few days right before I O'd, it pretty much stayed the exact same which is odd for me. The day after I know I O'd my temp stayed low so it's going to throw it off. It will put me at O'ing on CD17 which is false, it was CD16. I know this because thanks to the Clomid O'ing is pretty painful. I have awful cramps leading up to it and the actual day I O it's miserable. So we'll see.

I can definitely say this cycle has been by far the most emotional of them all. I was insanely emotional and I've just found myself being really maxed out on this. I keep blaming the Clomid, but now that I'm later in my cycle I'm thinking that I am genuinely maxed out. If this isn't our cycle we might take some time off which I know sounds counter productive to our goal, but sometimes you need to take a mental health break. I'm rapidly approaching that.

This cycle I also decided to take a posting break from the message board I post on. Mostly due to my own issues and the need for me to actually focus on me for once, but also because there are some posters who've joined in recent weeks/months and I just don't agree with the way the board is changing. It seems to be more like a popularity contest at this point which is sad. I also noticed a lot of the other "regular oldies" have stopped posting too. I think we all agree, the board isn't what it should be. Once these ladies get their BFP and move on I'll go back to posting, but for now I am taking a leave to prevent any further drama. I just don't need it.

I'll probably be pretty quiet for the next few days/weeks while we wait. I have my testing date set up for 02/09/2012 which will be 12DPO and I'm really hoping we get our much longed for BFP. If we don't, I'm not really sure how I'll be able to make it through the next two months. Our 1 year anniversary of our BFP & subsequent loss are rapidly approaching and it's putting my anxiety at high right now. We'll see...

So I've Heard It Said...

That it's weird to have a blog that your family and friends know nothing about. Not to me personally, but I've seen it on message boards. I found the comment to be interesting, but I mostly feel like I should explain why MY family is unaware of this blog.

This blog was designed to keep our family up to date with our little one. After we lost Spawn it just evolved and such. Now that we're actively TTCAL I don't really need my family seeing all those details as they happen. After the fact when we have our little one, sure read all you want, but I don't need them on this journey with me right now. TTC in general is a very personal journey that you don't need everyone all up in. TTC with any type in Infertility is that much harder. It's bad enough that strangers at my doc's office know my cycle and when sexy time goes down.

I will eventually tell all our family and friends about this blog, especially those who are out of state once our little one gets here (whenever that might be.) I think it's a great way to keep everyone in the loop and share milestones. Not to mention it's nice to have these to look back on. To see how far you've come or to remind yourself about a happy moment. It's much like having baby photos. You can't recreate the moment so it's nice to have it documented somehow.

Having said all that, I will most likely chose to block some of my posts. Why? Well, because there are some things I don't need my family to see. It's nothing bad about them, I love my family, but there have been some dark times. Those are some of the details that are for T and I only. I already have a good idea which posts I will block when the time comes.

So is it weird that my family doesn't know about this? No. Not to me at least.

I Call Bullshit

 *Rated PG-13 due to strong language. Viewer discretion is advised.

Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t control others, but you can control you?” Well I have, A LOT and I’m calling bullshit on that statement. I have no more control over me than I do someone else.

So I got to thinking about all these dumb phrases that I, and millions of other couples battling infertility have been subjected to. I’m sure even you are guilty of saying them at times and even though I smile and nod my head, inside my mind I’m literally pummeling you and shoving those very words down your throat. Hostile? Yeah, but then again I’ve never said I wasn’t. Some of my favorites are:

“Everything happens for a reason.”
- Really? So you want to tell me that reason? Yeah cause unless you can actually give me the reason, I don’t need to hear that saying. It’s a dumb saying with no answer really because we will NEVER know why things played out the way they did. You’re not Socrates so stop trying to put your wisdom out there in the world.

“Just relax”
- Okay, this one literally makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. For those of you who aren’t schooled in the world of reproduction like those of us who are like in graduate school on it let me tell you that relaxing has NOTHING to do with how this works. Reproduction is a fine dance of hormones and timing. My hormones are whacked. No amount of relaxing is going to reverse that and correct the issue. Medications and tracking and following my cycle like a psychotic scientist on a mission will.

“Your time will come”
- Yeah, another one I hate. Much like the first one, unless you can tell me when that time will be, just shut it.

“You just have to stay positive”
- Who made this one up? I’d like to know because I want to put a flaming bag of dog shit on their front door and see how positive they can stay. Pretty much like ANYTHING in life, after time you begin to lose hope and you begin to loose that Pollyanna attitude. I’ve seen more negative pregnancy tests than a Crisis Pregnancy Center. Trying to conceive with infertility is much like running a marathon with a 50 pound weight on your back watching all these assholes run past you looking all calm and collected gently hydrating themselves with their camelpack. You smile and nod when in reality you want to trip one of those people, kick dirt in their eyes, steal their water and throw your weight on their shoulders. Sure I’ll eventually get to that finish line, but my hair will be disheveled, sweat pouring off my back and legs that feel like they are turning to mush.

“You aren’t missing anything”
- Yes, I truly believe you and your countless facebook posts about how brilliant your toddler is and how beautiful his crappy coloring is. Can’t forget the how many albums of little Jimmy’s “First” everything. And the cherry to this sundae is when you post on facebook how being a mother is the most rewarding thing you’ve ever done. Get out of my face because I’m about to shank your ass prison style.

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”
- Says who? What brilliant philosopher came up with that one? Because at this point I’m feeling defeated and weak and at my breaking point. Will I be a better mother because of this? No. Will I be a better person because of this? No, well, maybe since I won’t be a heartless ass and say these types of things, but in general no. You know why people say this? Because no one wants to actually speak the truth and say this sucks and there’s no reason behind it and it’s not going to have some profound affect on how you look at life.

“It could be worse”
- That is exactly what every person who is venting wants to hear. They want to be reminded that this rollercoaster from hell could have a few more dips in it. I do understand there are women out there who are dealing with this on a whole different level and my heart goes out to them. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have the right to vent or cry or scream. Do you tell someone who just did something amazing “eh, it’s been done better?” No, because that would make you an asshole. Well the same thing can be said with this one. Saying this is just a passive aggressive way of saying “quit your bitching” with just a little more class.

So the next time you go to say one of these sayings, just don’t. The person you’re talking to will thank me.

TTCAL Cycle #3

So, here we go.

I've got my A game this time so I'm ready.

Going Green: Stove Top

No, not the super awesome boxed side dish. I'm talking about your actual glass stove top. I don't know about you, but mine gets wicked dirty and feels like it's such a pain in the rear to clean. It's also the type where you HAVE to clean up the messes before you use it again. Otherwise it cakes on and becomes even more impossible to clean. All in all, I'm not a fan, but I'll keep it.

So that brings me to how to actually clean this thing sans harsh chemicals. It's super easy and if you do it right it's actually a lot faster than using the store bought cleaners. I also noticed messes don't stick to it as easy.

So our starting line up:

Baking Soda
Bucket/bowl of warm soapy water
Soft Washcloths/Towels*
Gloves

*note: be careful on your towel choice, you don't want anything too abrasive that will scratch your glass stove top.

Step One: Grab your warm soapy water (don't use too much soap)









Step Two: Throw your towels into said soapy water, let soak a few

Step Three: Sprinkle baking soda all over your stove top. I use a larger amount in really dirty/greasy areas

Step Four: Squeeze the excess water out of your towels and place the damp towels gently over your stove top

Step Five: Set an alarm and walk away for 15 minutes. It HAS to sit for at least 15 minutes.

Step Six: Grab your gloves. Trust me, don't try to do this without them. The first time I didn't have gloves and thought "eh, why do I need them," but by the end of my cleaning my hands burned they were so dry. Baking soda dries your hands out something fierce something fast. So PLEASE save yourself the agony and just wear the damn gloves!

Step Seven: Gently start to wipe the baking soda off. Now some areas will need a little more elbow grease or even some more baking soda. No worries, just adapt and adjust as needed. Essentially you want to liquify the baking soda, rub it all over and rub as much excess as possible off. Just keep repeating these steps until you have your stove cleaned to your standards. The first time or two it may take a couple shots.

Step Eight: Do your best to not cuss me out when you notice this ugly film form on your stove top. It comes off, I promise. Absolutely no one warned me about this in all the tutorials I found on this process and I was PISSED when it happened. I thought I did something wrong or screwed something up and just ruined my stove top. Pissed actually doesn't come close to it. I was like track down and whoop your ass pissed. Grab your windex and a soft microfiber towel and buff it out.

Step Nine: Let out a loud sigh when you realize your stove top is not only not broken, but super clean! Now, this may seem like a lot of steps, but once you actually get it down it goes really fast (after the waiting time of course) and honestly I really do love how my stove looks. It also is easy to clean it if you maintain the clean.






Overall impression: This new process is not only CHEAP, it's really easy to do so it's another permanent staple in this house.

Onto Cycle #3...

Well, we're on to cycle #3, just waiting on AF to show her ugly face. Even though I was expecting it and I knew our chances were miniscule, it still hurts. A lot. I'm trying to stay focused that at least my body is responding and doing what it should, I just am getting really frustrated with all the BFN's and I'm terrified what will happen when I hit our one year mark if I'm not pregnant. A baby won't take away the pain, but at least I would feel like we're one step closer. The idea of being at the exact same point in 2012 that we were in 2011 on March 20th is too depressing.

So here's to cycle #3 being our winner. I would like an October baby....hell, I would just like a baby. I don't care what month s/he is born in. Our future baby wherever you are, I promise we're ready. REALLY ready!

Going Green: Laundry Detergent *New recipe

Next on the agenda is the laundry detergent, the revised recipe of course. As I previously stated there were times where I found my laundry needed just a little more oomph to get it clean. So off to the internet I went to find a recipe that includes Oxyclean. I've used oxyclean in other capacities so I know the stuff is good.

The starting line up is:

1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Washing Soda
1/2 Cup Oxyclean product*
1 bar Fels-Naptha

*note: Don't feel like you have to buy the name brand Oxyclean. We didn't. T actually compared labels in the store (I wanted the name brand) and the generic version is literally identical in ingredients to the name brand, but like 1/3 the price. I'm not THAT interested in paying for a label if you know what I mean.

Mixing is much like the old recipe so I'll spare the pics. Mix the 1 cup borax, 1 cup washing soda & 1/2 cup oxyclean product. Grade your bar of fels-naptha and combine with the mixture. Some people then use a food processor to mix it all to a sand consistency and while I understand I was way too lazy last time and didn't. The effect is the same and honestly over time the fels-naptha starts to break down anyway so a week or two later it's pretty much the sand consistency. To use, add 1-2 tablespoons to your load (I use 2 on linens/towels/T's uniforms.)

Much like the dishwasher detergent, you might have issues with the borax & washing soda clumping so be sure to store in an air tight container. I use two actually. Since I make bulk batches I have a large container and a small one that I transfer to. The small one is just easier to get into so I just pour into. Every time I use it I make sure to give the container a good shake to make sure everything stays mixed up nicely.

The laundry detergent, I've been using faithfully since I started this whole transition and I'm never going back. The amount of money we save is sickening. We do a lot of laundry in this house due to have animals and living in dusty Arizona. I will spend roughly $16 on all my supplies to make a batch that will last around 4 months when originally we paid $16 every 3 weeks or so for the CHEAP detergent.

Overall impression: The new recipe has proven to work better than the store bought stuff and I have less issues with my colors fading and my whites look awesome. Another permanent fixture in this house.

Going Green: Dishwasher Detergent

I'm going to start with one of my favs, the dishwasher detergent. Searching for a good recipe wasn't too hard and I was very excited to try it because we go through A LOT of dishes in this house. We have no disposable anything so if you need a glass of water, it's literally a glass. Same thing for plates and silverware. Oh lord do we go through the silverware, especially butter knives thanks to T's love of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Anyspoons, onto the goods. This recipe is super easy, super cheap and yields a LOT. I should warn that this recipe is specific to hard water. So if you have a water softener, you will need to do a further search for a soft water friendly detergent.

We have our starting line up:

1 Box Borax
1 Box Washing Soda
3 Cups Epsom Salts
24 packets UNSWEETENED Lemonade mix*
Lemi-Shine Rinse aid

*note: some say that the lemonade mix will stain the inside of your dishwasher, especially the little cup area that you put it in, but I've been using it over 2 months now with zero issues. Personally, I'm not overly concerned about the staining as long as my dishes end up clean.

Grab a big container because as I said, it yields A LOT! Mix the entire box of Borax with the entire box of Washing Soda. Add the 3 cups Epsom Salts, mix. Add the 24 packets of lemonade mix, mix. Make sure you really mix this stuff up good. You'll notice that it takes a on a yellow hue from the lemonade mix and when it comes into contact with water it will really show the yellow.

Transfer to an air tight container. If you do not put it in an air tight container the mixture will clump, be warned. I've run into the issue, but I just give it a good mix before using. To use at 1 tablespoon of the detergent mix into the prewash compartment & 1 tablespoon lemi-shine into the detergent compartment. If you don't have both, put the dishwasher detergent in the normal place and sprinkle the lemi-shine at the bottom of your dishwasher. I have been known to use 2 tablespoons of the detergent on our heavily soiled loads though. Food for thought.

In this house, I keep a small container under the sink (with instructions for use in the event T EVER does dishes) and the remaining portion in a garbage bag that has all the air pushed out (well as much as possible.) So far I haven't had to tap into our extra stash and I have probably 3/4 of the original container still in there. You could probably cut the recipe down if you wanted to, but I'm too lazy to try to figure out the math and I prefer to do as much in bulk as possible. Saves me time later.

I've been using this mix now for well over 2 months and I have to say my dishes have never looked better. We have super hard water in my area and I have navy blue dishes. I got to the point that I never used the dishwasher due to all the spots on our dishes. It grossed me out to be honest. So everything was hand washed, but when I found this recipe the lady swore by it and she was right. Occasionally we will have some dishes that need to be rewashed, but that's more due to my lazy rinsing before loading.

The grand total for my lord knows how many months worth of dishwasher detergent: $18.40.
Borax: $5.00
Washing Soda: $4.00
Epsom Salts: $2.00
Lemonade Mix: $2.40
Lemi-Shine Rise Aid: $5.00

Overall impression: Very effective detergent and a permanent fixture in this house!

Going Green: An Update

So it was brought to my attention that I suck at following up on stuff (she was much nicer in her delivery.) I guess I didn't realize that I sort of fell of the face of the Earth with the updates about our going green with cleaning. I can say that it's going very well and I am SOLD on it. Never going back. EVER.

Lets start with the basics, the recipes:

General Surface Cleaner (also has wood furniture polish recipe)
Granite Cleaner
Dishwasher Detergent
NEW Laundry Detergent (I needed a little extra oomph)
Glass Stove Top Cleaner
Glass/Mirror Cleaner

Baking soda has pretty much replaced my use of Comet or any other type of abrasive cleaner. It actually works a lot better too, but be advised it will dry your hands out something fierce so be sure to wear gloves. Baking soda is also how I deodorize my carpet. I just sprinkle some all over my floor, let it sit for a few and then vacuum right up. Awesome.

Aside from the perk that I'm not bringing more harsh chemicals into this house, we are indeed saving a lot of money! I just made a HUGE batch of laundry detergent that will last us at least 4 months for about $20. Not too shabby to me. I also buy the vinegar and baking soda when it's on sale & I stock up to save even more money. Just trust me, it's worth at least trying.

Over the next couple of days (or weeks) I will be blogging about the specifics of the cleaning including some step by step instructions complete with pictures so stay tuned!!

New Year, New Diet Plan

Happy New Year everyone! Like most people around the world I have started my new diet plan today. I'm actually excited this time around. Last time I wasn't exactly thrilled about dieting, but knew it was something that had to be done. This time, it is definitely excitement to get healthier. I'm pleased with my weight loss from 2011, but I would really like to meet my goal in 2012 so I need to get a little more serious about this. Food wise, the game plan will stay the same. Eat less, eat healthier. The exercise is changing.

Last year I lost my weight doing the 30 Day Shred. It's an awesome DVD that I recommend to everyone. The only problem is now that I've lost the weight, my body isn't responding to the DVD the same so I have to step it up. Which brings me to my new "100" workout. I found it on Pinterest actually. Here is the original plan if you want to see. While it's a good plan, I'm tweaking it to take into account the areas that I want to work on. My plan will consist of:

100 Arm circles (50 forward, 50 backwards)
90 Jumping jacks
80 Squats
70 Calve raises
60 Crunches
50 Chest flys
40 Butt kicks
30 Walk out push ups
20 Minutes of speed walking (+ 5 min start up)
10 Minutes of running (+ 5 min cooldown)

I don't like repetitive exercises so that's why I'm not repeating anything like done on the original plan. I like to work the same area, but via different methods. It's a personal preference really. I like to count to down on things, especially ones that I hate like crunches. Now when I get pregnant, I'll have to tweak it again to dial things back just a tad. I'll probably end up doing something like:

100 Arm circles (50 forward, 50 backwards)
80 Squats
60 Calve raises
40 Chest flys
30 minutes of speed walking

We'll see though. Depending on week 1's results I may tweak this again, but we'll see. Here's to a happier & healthier year in 2012!