Moving Forward

Well, my body has officially moved forward. I got my first post m/c AF yesterday. It was incredibly bittersweet.

On one hand, I'm glad my body is moving forward and getting back to "normal" and after we wait this cycle and next, we can try again. On the other hand, it was a very harsh reminder of what I lost. I should be just over 12 weeks and getting ready to tell our families. Instead, I'm back to charting my cycles. It didn't feel right taking my temp this morning. I was laying there as my BBT took forever to register thinking to myself "Even my thermometer thinks I should still be pregnant." Irrational? Absolutely. I never said I've been the most rational or logical person since losing Spawn.

Spawn, I love you sweet baby, to the moon and back.

A Month...

Tomorrow will mark the 4 week mark since losing Spawn. That's why I'm posting tonight because tomorrow will just hurt too much to put sentences together.

Spawn, I miss you so much. I keep trying to find the strength to look at the u/s photos again, but I can't. I WANT to see your sweet photo, but it hurts so much to know that 4 weeks ago today you were snug in my body and today, you're gone. I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are sweet baby. I love you, to the moon and back.

Negative Beta

My doctor's office finally got back to me on Wednesday with my results. By the grace of God, my beta was negative, meaning my HCG was <5 which is exactly where my doctor wanted me to be. That means my body did the m/c process "right" and I will not need any other intervention. I'm happy about that, but hearing my beta was negative was just another dagger to my heart. My body has no trace of the beautiful baby that was growing inside me and that hurts.

Spawn, even though my body has moved on, please know my heart hasn't. There will NEVER be a day that goes by where I don't think of you. I love you sweet baby, to the moon and back.

3 Weeks

3 weeks ago my heart was forever changed when we lost Spawn. Even 3 weeks later it still hurts my heart in a way in never imagined possible. I was in the shower thinking about random stuff when it hit me, I should be 10w5d pregnant with Spawn. By now our parents would have been told and they too would be excited. Instead, we're all sad.

Tomorrow I have what is hopefully my last beta draw. I am hoping for my betas to be back at 0, or at least <5. Otherwise, that means my body retained something and my doc will have to consider going it to get it surgically. That would be awful at this point. I feel like my heart is finally moving forward since I'm done m/c, to have to have the surgery right now would just throw me back right into the heart of my grief and my sanity cannot take that. So here's hoping they are where they should be.

As far as trying again is concerned. Right now, my heart isn't ready. Where I'll be in a couple months when we can actually try, who knows, but as of today, I'm not ready. I don't want to get pregnant again because I feel like in a way I would be replacing Spawn and I can't do that. Then I'm worried about how paranoid I will be when I am pregnant. Will I even enjoy being pregnant? Will I constantly compare my pregnancy to Spawn's? Will getting pregnant again help heal my heart, or will it simply reopen all the wounds? There are so many thoughts, so many.

Spawn, today was the 1st day since we lost you that I looked at your sonogram pictures. It was for only a second because I immediately burst into tears, but I did look. Nonni (my mom) is working on a surprise necklace for me. All I know is it will be a locket because I want to carry your sonogram picture with me. Keep it close to my heart because that's where you always are, in my heart. I love you sweet baby, wherever you are.

Back To Normal-ish...

I have been stressing out all day and for the first time since we lost Spawn, it wasn't about my m/c. I have a teeth cleaning scheduled for tomorrow and I am absolutely DREADING it. The fact that I'm actually stressing about it has me both a little happy and a little sad. Happy because that means I'm starting to allow myself to think about things other than the m/c and sad because, well I'm thinking about things other than my m/c.

I hate the dentist. I fear the dentist more than I feared getting a tattoo. I don't have some major horrific story that turned me all anti-dentist, I just hate them. For starters, I have wicked sensitive teeth. They've always been sensitive. They are sensitive to temperature, friction, different types of texture. They are just high maintenance (much like me.) Then I have TMJ so having my teeth cleaned is so painful for my jaw. It never fails, I almost always start having lockjaw issues immediately after my appointments. Then the clicking, the headaches, it just sucks. Lastly, I know I have a cavity, so that means it will have to be drilled and filled. Ugh!

I guess it's good that I'm having other stressors though right? Doesn't that mean I'm getting back to "normal"? Whatever that may be.

14 Days...

I am officially done miscarrying. Or so I hope at least. It was a long and incredibly emotionally painful 14 days, but somehow I survived and dare I say it, came out a little stronger. Now we wait. Wait to have my last beta draw to make sure I'm at 0. Wait for my cycles to start again. Wait 2 cycles. It's an endless cycle of waiting. Then I have to somehow try to survive the emotional hell that is trying to conceive (TTC). I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and that's taking it day by day and sometimes, hour by hour.