3 Weeks

3 weeks ago my heart was forever changed when we lost Spawn. Even 3 weeks later it still hurts my heart in a way in never imagined possible. I was in the shower thinking about random stuff when it hit me, I should be 10w5d pregnant with Spawn. By now our parents would have been told and they too would be excited. Instead, we're all sad.

Tomorrow I have what is hopefully my last beta draw. I am hoping for my betas to be back at 0, or at least <5. Otherwise, that means my body retained something and my doc will have to consider going it to get it surgically. That would be awful at this point. I feel like my heart is finally moving forward since I'm done m/c, to have to have the surgery right now would just throw me back right into the heart of my grief and my sanity cannot take that. So here's hoping they are where they should be.

As far as trying again is concerned. Right now, my heart isn't ready. Where I'll be in a couple months when we can actually try, who knows, but as of today, I'm not ready. I don't want to get pregnant again because I feel like in a way I would be replacing Spawn and I can't do that. Then I'm worried about how paranoid I will be when I am pregnant. Will I even enjoy being pregnant? Will I constantly compare my pregnancy to Spawn's? Will getting pregnant again help heal my heart, or will it simply reopen all the wounds? There are so many thoughts, so many.

Spawn, today was the 1st day since we lost you that I looked at your sonogram pictures. It was for only a second because I immediately burst into tears, but I did look. Nonni (my mom) is working on a surprise necklace for me. All I know is it will be a locket because I want to carry your sonogram picture with me. Keep it close to my heart because that's where you always are, in my heart. I love you sweet baby, wherever you are.