Tomorrow is officially 2013 and I can say without a doubt, I welcome this New Year. With one exception, our trip, 2012 was just bad news for T and I. Much like 2011 I'm ready to just let this be part of our past and not our present. So, to welcome the new year I'm setting some goals.
1. Lose 50 pounds. I've gained about 10 pounds back (damn depression) so time to start getting back on the weight loss horse. Good for the body as well as the mind and soul.
2. Travel more. We're looking at maybe taking another semi-big trip this year, but other potential plans have that up in the air.
3. More home upgrades. Moving walls, flooring, all that crap. It was going to be done in 2012, but after an epic breakdown post failed Clomid cycles we decided to put our money towards getting away from this mess. This year, focus will be different.
4. Find out if an RE is covered by ins. Open enrollment is in May so we'll find out in April if ins will cover our IF, if so we will switch plans to get to the RE.
5. Meet with an adoption agency.
Yes, you read that right. We've decided to start the talks about adoption. First step will be meeting with an agency to get an idea if our goal is even possible. We want a closed or minimal open adoption. We're open to giving monthly updates and pictures, but we are not open to the idea of the mother being a very active role in our child's life. If we are raising the baby, we want it to be our baby. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to share my child. Period. The only way we would consider an open adoption is if we knew the mother (ie: friend, family, etc).
If we find out that the RE is not covered, T will be getting a vasectomy to prevent any future heartbreaks and we will pursue adoption full time. For now it would be domestic while we save the money to go with Korea. If our budget is correct, Korea would be in about 3 years. It feels GREAT to have a plan that will ultimately end in our having a child. The RE thing is too unpredictable and we have no idea if my body can even do this.
So 2013...ROCK MY FUCKING WORLD!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Why?
You know, you'd think I'd be smarter than this by now, but apparently not.
I went back to my former birth month board just to see, oh hell I don't know what I wanted to see, I just wanted to see and what do I find? Lots of posts with people talking about their big announcement reveals over the holiday. Some even had youtube videos of reactions. Most normal and sane folks would have just closed the internet and go about their night, but no, not me. I instead watch the damn videos.
I was doing okay until the last video when the mom got really emotional and started crying and then I did. That should have been us. We should have been announcing over Christmas. We should have been filming our families getting excited and laughing and freaking out because we're finally having a baby, but nope. That's not us. Instead our families are walking on eggshells because once again our hearts have been shattered.
I don't get why. Why do all these people get pregnant so easily and then get to keep their babies and enjoy pregnancies while some of us feel like we're never going to get there? I really wish someone could explain why...
I went back to my former birth month board just to see, oh hell I don't know what I wanted to see, I just wanted to see and what do I find? Lots of posts with people talking about their big announcement reveals over the holiday. Some even had youtube videos of reactions. Most normal and sane folks would have just closed the internet and go about their night, but no, not me. I instead watch the damn videos.
I was doing okay until the last video when the mom got really emotional and started crying and then I did. That should have been us. We should have been announcing over Christmas. We should have been filming our families getting excited and laughing and freaking out because we're finally having a baby, but nope. That's not us. Instead our families are walking on eggshells because once again our hearts have been shattered.
I don't get why. Why do all these people get pregnant so easily and then get to keep their babies and enjoy pregnancies while some of us feel like we're never going to get there? I really wish someone could explain why...
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Empty
My uterus is officially empty and all traces of our beautiful babe
whom we wanted so badly are gone. Thankfully I was so drugged up on Friday that
I really didn’t feel anything physically or emotionally. The same cannot be said
for now.
Physically I’m feeling okay. The bleeding has been on and off, but I assume they remove most of the lining when they do the D&C, so that’s somewhat good news...maybe. The cramping has been on and off as well, but only mild cramps. Something I would expect with a typical cycle. Emotionally, oh hell I’m a one woman show.
Saturday I was feeling okay. I had come to terms with what happened and put my focus towards the future. Towards trying again. Then the holiday happened leaving me at that seriously mad stage. Remember the part in Steel Magnolias where M’Lynn flips her shit and yells that she just wants to hit someone hard so they feel as badly as she does? That’s me. Oh boy is that me.
First it’s family pregnancies. I’m so happy for my family, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but this is hell being the one who watches everyone else get the one thing you feel is so far out of your grasp. I want to be that happy pregnant person who is so blissfully unaware of how bad things can get. I will never have that carefree pregnancy and that makes this even worse.
Then you have Jessica Simpson announcing she’s pregnant again. Now, I know it’s stupid to be jealous of celebrities, but I wanted to scream when I saw that. She just spit a kid out and here she is knocked up again. WTF?! Seriously universe?! My hardworking husband and I can’t have one kid, but that ignorant flake can have two back to back? Seriously, where is the justice in this?
And of course you just have the holidays in general that make it suck. The holidays just make it painfully more obvious to you that not only are you dealing with infertility, but you just lost your second child. It’s like a huge beacon that just hones in on the harsh reality that you are NOT where you thought you would be. We celebrated our 5th Christmas as a married couple sans kids and know that next year will be our 6th sans kids. Hopefully we’ll be well enough along with a pregnancy to believe it’s the last Christmas just us two, but who the hell knows.
I’m trying to focus on the good in my life, but I’m failing miserably at that. I mean, I’m grateful for my husband, our health, our family, our home, our jobs and so much more, but there is this huge void in my heart and my life that just feels like it takes away from everything. I think it’s time for some serious changes. I don’t know what yet, but something has to give.
Physically I’m feeling okay. The bleeding has been on and off, but I assume they remove most of the lining when they do the D&C, so that’s somewhat good news...maybe. The cramping has been on and off as well, but only mild cramps. Something I would expect with a typical cycle. Emotionally, oh hell I’m a one woman show.
Saturday I was feeling okay. I had come to terms with what happened and put my focus towards the future. Towards trying again. Then the holiday happened leaving me at that seriously mad stage. Remember the part in Steel Magnolias where M’Lynn flips her shit and yells that she just wants to hit someone hard so they feel as badly as she does? That’s me. Oh boy is that me.
First it’s family pregnancies. I’m so happy for my family, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but this is hell being the one who watches everyone else get the one thing you feel is so far out of your grasp. I want to be that happy pregnant person who is so blissfully unaware of how bad things can get. I will never have that carefree pregnancy and that makes this even worse.
Then you have Jessica Simpson announcing she’s pregnant again. Now, I know it’s stupid to be jealous of celebrities, but I wanted to scream when I saw that. She just spit a kid out and here she is knocked up again. WTF?! Seriously universe?! My hardworking husband and I can’t have one kid, but that ignorant flake can have two back to back? Seriously, where is the justice in this?
And of course you just have the holidays in general that make it suck. The holidays just make it painfully more obvious to you that not only are you dealing with infertility, but you just lost your second child. It’s like a huge beacon that just hones in on the harsh reality that you are NOT where you thought you would be. We celebrated our 5th Christmas as a married couple sans kids and know that next year will be our 6th sans kids. Hopefully we’ll be well enough along with a pregnancy to believe it’s the last Christmas just us two, but who the hell knows.
I’m trying to focus on the good in my life, but I’m failing miserably at that. I mean, I’m grateful for my husband, our health, our family, our home, our jobs and so much more, but there is this huge void in my heart and my life that just feels like it takes away from everything. I think it’s time for some serious changes. I don’t know what yet, but something has to give.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tomorrow
My D&C is scheduled for tomorrow. So that means that by this time tomorrow night all traces of the baby that we wanted so badly will be gone and that tears my heart out. All this week I kept saying how I just want this to be over. I just want to move forward and focus on the future. Tonight, my heart is breaking.
I had my pre-op appointment with the OB who will be doing my D&C. I never met her before today since she's not my OB, but since she's the "on call" doc tomorrow she's the one doing it. We went over the game plan for tomorrow. She told me what to expect and all that jazz. She seems competent and attentive. She answered my questions and scheduled my follow up appointment for 2 weeks from now (damn holidays!)
I did make a pre-op purchase this evening. Two stained glass votive holders. They are angels and the guy will be doing them in the birthstones for Spawn and Offspring. I might get some ornaments too, but tonight I just had to buy these. They spoke to me and I want something to display always to remember our babes. Not to mention I love the idea of the candles. I like being able to light them and watch the light flicker from behind the stained glass. Will always remind me that at one point those babes had beating hearts.
Offspring, this is our last night together. Though your little heart stopped beating 2 weeks ago, the idea that tomorrow you will no longer be with me physically is killing me. Please know that we love you with everything that we have. You and Spawn will always be in our hearts and always on our minds. We love you babes, to the moon and back!
I had my pre-op appointment with the OB who will be doing my D&C. I never met her before today since she's not my OB, but since she's the "on call" doc tomorrow she's the one doing it. We went over the game plan for tomorrow. She told me what to expect and all that jazz. She seems competent and attentive. She answered my questions and scheduled my follow up appointment for 2 weeks from now (damn holidays!)
I did make a pre-op purchase this evening. Two stained glass votive holders. They are angels and the guy will be doing them in the birthstones for Spawn and Offspring. I might get some ornaments too, but tonight I just had to buy these. They spoke to me and I want something to display always to remember our babes. Not to mention I love the idea of the candles. I like being able to light them and watch the light flicker from behind the stained glass. Will always remind me that at one point those babes had beating hearts.
Offspring, this is our last night together. Though your little heart stopped beating 2 weeks ago, the idea that tomorrow you will no longer be with me physically is killing me. Please know that we love you with everything that we have. You and Spawn will always be in our hearts and always on our minds. We love you babes, to the moon and back!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Still There...
Had my follow up u/s this morning to find out if my uterus is empty.
It's not.
Thankfully the tech was the same tech as Friday so I don't think she was offended by my response.
Tech: [sigh] Still there.
Me: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
She understood my frustration. Offspring is right there. As in right by my cervix. Still. Apparently my body just doesn't want to let this little one go. Which would be fine if my little one was still with us. But s/he isn't and I'm just ready to move forward with my life at this point.
We're on to plan b now which is a D&C on Friday. I have mixed feelings about it. I really didn't want to go this route, but on the other hand I'm ready for this to be over. My last m/c was a walk in the park physically compared to this. It was like 4 hours of intense pain, but then I was able to start on the emotional healing. This time, it feels like there is no end. My m/c started at 2 am on Friday and as of today my uterus STILL isn't empty. I'm still cramping, but not enough to push this along.
The only silver lining in today was when the tech walked out she left up the picture she took of Offspring. My gut told me to just take a picture of the sonogram for later. That someday I'll look back and be grateful to have that pic of our little one, even if it was after our precious Offspring's heart stopped beating. Not even 12 hours later and I'm already glad I did it. It's hard to see Offspring because of where s/he is located, but s/he is definitely there. S/he is located directly below the broken heart. Fitting because that's exactly how I feel.
It's not.
Thankfully the tech was the same tech as Friday so I don't think she was offended by my response.
Tech: [sigh] Still there.
Me: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
She understood my frustration. Offspring is right there. As in right by my cervix. Still. Apparently my body just doesn't want to let this little one go. Which would be fine if my little one was still with us. But s/he isn't and I'm just ready to move forward with my life at this point.
We're on to plan b now which is a D&C on Friday. I have mixed feelings about it. I really didn't want to go this route, but on the other hand I'm ready for this to be over. My last m/c was a walk in the park physically compared to this. It was like 4 hours of intense pain, but then I was able to start on the emotional healing. This time, it feels like there is no end. My m/c started at 2 am on Friday and as of today my uterus STILL isn't empty. I'm still cramping, but not enough to push this along.
The only silver lining in today was when the tech walked out she left up the picture she took of Offspring. My gut told me to just take a picture of the sonogram for later. That someday I'll look back and be grateful to have that pic of our little one, even if it was after our precious Offspring's heart stopped beating. Not even 12 hours later and I'm already glad I did it. It's hard to see Offspring because of where s/he is located, but s/he is definitely there. S/he is located directly below the broken heart. Fitting because that's exactly how I feel.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Back to Reality? Already?
Tomorrow is Monday which means back to the grind.
No more sitting on my couch reading trashy books and watching the Science channel and eating junk food.
I'll actually have to get back out there and be a part of society again. This sucks.
In the AM I have my appointment where I will hopefully find out that my uterus is empty. I'll be honest, I'll flip my ever loving shit if I find out it's not. I do think there will be a cross between anger, hysteria and disbelief that will come out in the form of incoherent sobs. This was by far one of the worst weekends and to find out that it was fruitless, that will kill me.
The worst part about getting back to the grind means getting back to having to smile when I feel like my heart is breaking. Crying in the car on my way home from family gatherings. Smiling and nodding while friends talk about their kids. Doing my best to hide my feelings because it's uncomfortable for them. I mean, nevermind the fact that I just lost my baby. Please, allow me to just bury that pain so you don't have to feel awkward around me. And I just can't possibly wait for the question that will come countless times "When are you guys going to try again?" Oh, sure lets just jump right back up on that horse. Since it's so easy after all. Oh wait, that's right it's not.
Of course then we have the holidays coming up. Because that's just how my life is. I can't even get to stay a recluse for a couple of weeks. I have to just jump right back into life and all the bullshit that comes with it. Wednesday is T's Christmas party with his guys and I'm dreading the damn thing. They are pretty much all married with kids so I get to listen to all the women share their parenting stories and tips and there will be me. I'm sure I'll get the "when are you guys having kids" since we're almost 30 after all. What do I say? "Yeah, someday" and just smile? Or do I say what I really want to say "Well, we're trying, but my body just can't seem to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It's a real bitch." Oh wait, nope can't say that one. Can't actually tell people what I'm feeling because then I'd be bitter.
This whole thing just sucks because before I got pregnant again I was actually in a pretty decent place. Then we got pregnant and I thought since it was our Wailing Wall prayer baby that this would be the one. Now, I'm even more bitter and cynical and just downright pissed off at the world. 2 steps forward, just to jump 87 back. It's not easier because this is our 2nd loss. It's fucking harder because I can't just say "oh bad luck" and "we have time." We were supposed to be DONE by now. Not still trying to just even get started.
Universe, please just throw me a fucking bone at this point...
No more sitting on my couch reading trashy books and watching the Science channel and eating junk food.
I'll actually have to get back out there and be a part of society again. This sucks.
In the AM I have my appointment where I will hopefully find out that my uterus is empty. I'll be honest, I'll flip my ever loving shit if I find out it's not. I do think there will be a cross between anger, hysteria and disbelief that will come out in the form of incoherent sobs. This was by far one of the worst weekends and to find out that it was fruitless, that will kill me.
The worst part about getting back to the grind means getting back to having to smile when I feel like my heart is breaking. Crying in the car on my way home from family gatherings. Smiling and nodding while friends talk about their kids. Doing my best to hide my feelings because it's uncomfortable for them. I mean, nevermind the fact that I just lost my baby. Please, allow me to just bury that pain so you don't have to feel awkward around me. And I just can't possibly wait for the question that will come countless times "When are you guys going to try again?" Oh, sure lets just jump right back up on that horse. Since it's so easy after all. Oh wait, that's right it's not.
Of course then we have the holidays coming up. Because that's just how my life is. I can't even get to stay a recluse for a couple of weeks. I have to just jump right back into life and all the bullshit that comes with it. Wednesday is T's Christmas party with his guys and I'm dreading the damn thing. They are pretty much all married with kids so I get to listen to all the women share their parenting stories and tips and there will be me. I'm sure I'll get the "when are you guys having kids" since we're almost 30 after all. What do I say? "Yeah, someday" and just smile? Or do I say what I really want to say "Well, we're trying, but my body just can't seem to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It's a real bitch." Oh wait, nope can't say that one. Can't actually tell people what I'm feeling because then I'd be bitter.
This whole thing just sucks because before I got pregnant again I was actually in a pretty decent place. Then we got pregnant and I thought since it was our Wailing Wall prayer baby that this would be the one. Now, I'm even more bitter and cynical and just downright pissed off at the world. 2 steps forward, just to jump 87 back. It's not easier because this is our 2nd loss. It's fucking harder because I can't just say "oh bad luck" and "we have time." We were supposed to be DONE by now. Not still trying to just even get started.
Universe, please just throw me a fucking bone at this point...
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Another Among The Stars...
Our little Offspring has joined his/her big sibling among the stars and we're left empty and devastated.
My cramping and bleeding turned into chaos just after 2 am yesterday. I knew immediately what was happening because it was identical to Spawn. I sat there just sobbing as I told T to get me some pain meds. He offered to take me to the ER, but I declined. I knew what they were going to say so I wanted to spare the hell that is waiting there.
Shortly before 5 am things had calmed down and I did my best to drift off to sleep. At 7 am I had to be up because I already had an appointment to get checked out about my spotting. The entire way to the doctor's office I kept asking myself "why?" Why again? Why couldn't we keep this one. I wasn't crying, more infuriated.
Thankfully the wait wasn't long before I met with the midwife, who wasn't the same as before, and she was very nice. I explained everything that happened to her and she said my uterus was most likely empty. That's when I told her that I didn't have that same "omg, I just lost our baby" feeling this time that I did last time. There was no mistaking last time what had happened. This time, I wasn't so sure.
She did a pelvic exam to see if she could see anything. All she could see was a lot of blood. Figures. Thankfully she caught my desire for closure and took me over to the u/s tech to get checked out. As soon as she put the wand in I saw it and my heart sank. I didn't pass the baby yet. I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. How is that possible? There was so much pain! It was a nightmare because I thought the worst was behind us. I expected my uterus to be empty so we could start the emotional healing. I still had more to come?! Offspring wasn't inside the cushy part of my uterus. S/he had already detached and was right there by my cervix. The midwife assured me it should pass fast.
To speed things along she gave me a script for misoprostol. If I never take that medication again it would be too soon. Aside from making me feel like my uterus was turning inside out, my stomach was terribly upset and it seemed to loosen everything up down there. After dealing with the cramping and bleeding and the pain at 9:30 pm I had had enough and I went off to bed.
T was awesome. He helped me carry my stuff up to the bedroom. He helped me get situated in bed. He got my heating pad all hooked up, my barf bucket beside me and he even set his alarm to give me my last round of the meds at 1:30 am. A supportive man he truly is.
This morning I'm feeling okay physically. The cramping is still here, but not as bad. I'm obviously still bleeding and probably will for the next two weeks. The part that gets me is I have no idea if this is over yet. Last time it was obvious because Spawn detached and came right out. It felt like a ping pong ball and was no denying what it was. This time because Offspring had been in such a tight space for so long there is a chance that it could have been a different shape so I don't honestly know. I think my uterus is now empty, but I also thought that yesterday morning.
Monday I have another appointment to follow up about my m/c. Of course like last time this was supposed to be my first appointment, but again it's to talk about our 2nd loss. I will urge for an u/s to make sure my uterus is empty so we can start the emotional healing process. I imagine that will take a while.
Overall I'm holding up okay. I'm obviously devastated, as is T. We're confused and frustrated and there is this huge part of me that feels like "when are you going to just give this up already?" I'm not making any decisions right now and won't for a while, but I won't lie the questioning over whether we should continue this or not is definitely there.
Offspring, mommy and daddy love you so much and we hope you and Spawn take care of each other until we get there. Mommy plans on finally getting her tattoo...well now two. I want a reminder of both my sweet babes who play among the stars. We love you both to the moon and back.
My cramping and bleeding turned into chaos just after 2 am yesterday. I knew immediately what was happening because it was identical to Spawn. I sat there just sobbing as I told T to get me some pain meds. He offered to take me to the ER, but I declined. I knew what they were going to say so I wanted to spare the hell that is waiting there.
Shortly before 5 am things had calmed down and I did my best to drift off to sleep. At 7 am I had to be up because I already had an appointment to get checked out about my spotting. The entire way to the doctor's office I kept asking myself "why?" Why again? Why couldn't we keep this one. I wasn't crying, more infuriated.
Thankfully the wait wasn't long before I met with the midwife, who wasn't the same as before, and she was very nice. I explained everything that happened to her and she said my uterus was most likely empty. That's when I told her that I didn't have that same "omg, I just lost our baby" feeling this time that I did last time. There was no mistaking last time what had happened. This time, I wasn't so sure.
She did a pelvic exam to see if she could see anything. All she could see was a lot of blood. Figures. Thankfully she caught my desire for closure and took me over to the u/s tech to get checked out. As soon as she put the wand in I saw it and my heart sank. I didn't pass the baby yet. I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. How is that possible? There was so much pain! It was a nightmare because I thought the worst was behind us. I expected my uterus to be empty so we could start the emotional healing. I still had more to come?! Offspring wasn't inside the cushy part of my uterus. S/he had already detached and was right there by my cervix. The midwife assured me it should pass fast.
To speed things along she gave me a script for misoprostol. If I never take that medication again it would be too soon. Aside from making me feel like my uterus was turning inside out, my stomach was terribly upset and it seemed to loosen everything up down there. After dealing with the cramping and bleeding and the pain at 9:30 pm I had had enough and I went off to bed.
T was awesome. He helped me carry my stuff up to the bedroom. He helped me get situated in bed. He got my heating pad all hooked up, my barf bucket beside me and he even set his alarm to give me my last round of the meds at 1:30 am. A supportive man he truly is.
This morning I'm feeling okay physically. The cramping is still here, but not as bad. I'm obviously still bleeding and probably will for the next two weeks. The part that gets me is I have no idea if this is over yet. Last time it was obvious because Spawn detached and came right out. It felt like a ping pong ball and was no denying what it was. This time because Offspring had been in such a tight space for so long there is a chance that it could have been a different shape so I don't honestly know. I think my uterus is now empty, but I also thought that yesterday morning.
Monday I have another appointment to follow up about my m/c. Of course like last time this was supposed to be my first appointment, but again it's to talk about our 2nd loss. I will urge for an u/s to make sure my uterus is empty so we can start the emotional healing process. I imagine that will take a while.
Overall I'm holding up okay. I'm obviously devastated, as is T. We're confused and frustrated and there is this huge part of me that feels like "when are you going to just give this up already?" I'm not making any decisions right now and won't for a while, but I won't lie the questioning over whether we should continue this or not is definitely there.
Offspring, mommy and daddy love you so much and we hope you and Spawn take care of each other until we get there. Mommy plans on finally getting her tattoo...well now two. I want a reminder of both my sweet babes who play among the stars. We love you both to the moon and back.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I Think The End Is Near...
I'm now bleeding enough to need a pad and passing small clots. The cramps have picked up and I'm sick to my stomach. I think we're passed the chances of this being Crinone induced irritable cervix. It's all too similar to what happened with Spawn.
Edit at 3:50pm
I have an appointment scheduled tomorrow at 8:40 am to check out what's going on. They want me to continue the Crinone, but at this point there's no chance that shit will stay put. I just want to punch someone right now. Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?!
Edit at 3:50pm
I have an appointment scheduled tomorrow at 8:40 am to check out what's going on. They want me to continue the Crinone, but at this point there's no chance that shit will stay put. I just want to punch someone right now. Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
7w6d: The Most Pregnant...
Today I am officially the most pregnant I've ever been. While it should be a huge relief, we're still stuck in purgatory hell. The spotting is now off and on and while it thankfully hasn't gotten worse, it still freaks me the hell out. The cramping, that's been consistent. For right now we're carrying on like everything is still going forward and just hanging on until our appointment on Monday.
Offspring, nothing would give mommy and daddy greater joy than seeing you growing healthy and strong in there. Please, please stick around little one.
Offspring, nothing would give mommy and daddy greater joy than seeing you growing healthy and strong in there. Please, please stick around little one.
Monday, December 10, 2012
7w4d: Waiting…
I’ve had consistent cramps since the lapse in my Crinone. I figured it was a fluke since we didn’t have any spotting. Until today…
We’re waiting now to see what happens. We’ve done this before so we know there isn’t anything we can do to stop it if it goes that way so there no point in rushing myself to the emergency room just to have them tell me there isn’t anything they can do. Last time I had 48 hours of spotting before all hell broke loose so we’ll see.
I still have my appointment scheduled for next Monday so we’ll get the final word then unless we have another loss.
We’re waiting now to see what happens. We’ve done this before so we know there isn’t anything we can do to stop it if it goes that way so there no point in rushing myself to the emergency room just to have them tell me there isn’t anything they can do. Last time I had 48 hours of spotting before all hell broke loose so we’ll see.
I still have my appointment scheduled for next Monday so we’ll get the final word then unless we have another loss.
Friday, December 7, 2012
7w1d: Deep breaths, deep breaths...
It doesn't matter though. When I woke up this morning my heart sank and immediately every fiber went to worse case scenario. My boobs didn't hurt. My stomach wasn't churning. My stomach didn't seem as bloated and the cramps were ever present. Shit.
I've held my breath every time I've gone to the bathroom today. Hoping and praying there is no spotting and so far we've been lucky. The cramps are throwing my mojo though. Between the lack of symptoms and the cramping I'm freaking out.
I keep telling myself that I'm psyching myself out. This is an emotional week for us in general considering it's the week we lost Spawn and we still have 10 days until our appointment. I'm telling myself that things have been different this go around. I never got sick last time. I never really had anything last time.
I know that I really have no real reason to be freaking out. The cramping hasn't been painful and since I've had a natural m/c before I know what those cramps feel like. There hasn't been any spotting and symptoms don't really say much anyway, but I just can't shake this stupid feeling that's something isn't right.
I really hope that when we have our appointment we will get reassurance and see a healthy baby in there with a healthy heartbeat and I'll look back on this and roll my eyes at my ridiculous worries. I hope that this time next year I'm reading this while bouncing a healthy baby on my lap telling him/her how nuts mommy got during her pregnancy because she wanted him/her so badly. I hope that Offspring is our rainbow baby.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
7w: Weekly Update
Well, picked up the Crinone today on my way home. I'm now back into my normal schedule which makes me feel better. I was super stressed about the not taking my supplements and it didn't help that when I woke up I had cramps. They ended up happening off and on all day, but no spotting so I hope that means Offspring is still doing good. This week will be very hard though because this happens to be the week in which our pregnancy went way wrong last time. I'm hoping that in 5 days we are still blissfully pregnant and not reliving the same hell. Offspring, we love you so much sweet baby.
How far along are you: 7 weeks
How big is baby: 1/2 inch
Baby is as big as a: Blueberry
Total weight gain/loss: - 0.8 lb
Are you showing: No, thankfully the bloat has calmed down so I almost look normal again.
Maternity clothes: No
Food aversions: Nothing. The sensitive tummy seems to have calmed down and I'm able to eat more.
Cravings: Strawberry ice cream & chips w/ salsa
Sleep: Awesome
How do you feel: Bloated, but not as bad. The boobs still hurt...A LOT
Movements: Not yet
Gender guess: Boy
Best moment this week: Feeling confident enough to start pinning nursery ideas
What I miss: Coffee that's pretty much it.
What I am looking forward to: Our u/s in December
Weekly wisdom: Enjoy each and every day and be thankful for the days you don't feel sick.
How far along are you: 7 weeks
How big is baby: 1/2 inch
Baby is as big as a: Blueberry
Total weight gain/loss: - 0.8 lb
Are you showing: No, thankfully the bloat has calmed down so I almost look normal again.
Maternity clothes: No
Food aversions: Nothing. The sensitive tummy seems to have calmed down and I'm able to eat more.
Cravings: Strawberry ice cream & chips w/ salsa
Sleep: Awesome
How do you feel: Bloated, but not as bad. The boobs still hurt...A LOT
Movements: Not yet
Gender guess: Boy
Best moment this week: Feeling confident enough to start pinning nursery ideas
What I miss: Coffee that's pretty much it.
What I am looking forward to: Our u/s in December
Weekly wisdom: Enjoy each and every day and be thankful for the days you don't feel sick.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
6w6d: Hold On Baby
It’s official, I loathe the midwife portion of Dr.
Awesome’s office. I don’t just dislike it, I flat out loathe it. I loathe even
more that I’m stuck going there on the 17th. Unfortunately due to the holiday
nowhere else can get me in and I’m not waiting even freaking longer so I am
stuck there for now. I foresee a very uncomfortable conversation being held
between T, myself and the midwife. For the record, once I get off my supplement
and into my 2nd tri, I have every intention of leaving this
practice.
Today I called my Walgreens and found out that they still hadn’t called in my script. Yep, I lost it. I called the office and got yet another ditz from the front desk. This is how it went:
D: Dr. Awesome’s office how can I help you?
M: Hi, I’m L and I’m calling to check on the status of my prescription being called in.
D: Okay, DOB?
M: mm/dd/yyyy
D: One moment please…
[horrible hold music for 1 minute]
D: Okay, so you are calling to leave a message because you need a prescription?
M: No, I’m calling to find out why my prescription hasn’t been called in yet despite my calling yesterday and Monday. I spoke with the midwife and she said she was calling it in Monday, but my pharmacy has no records of that.
D: Okay, just one moment
[horrible hold music for 15 minutes]
Finally after being on hold for 15 minutes I hung up. This is ridiculous. I’m sure she looked up my name in the system and saw that I’ve called how many times and went into panic mode. I bet even the office manager was notified that a scathing mad pregnant lady was on the phone.
They finally called me back 30 minutes later to tell me they just called in my prescription and it should be available for pick up this evening. Well, that’s nice princess, but considering NO PHARMACY STOCKS IT I won’t actually have it this evening. The earliest the pharmacy can get it is late tomorrow afternoon. So I will be missing my doses. The pharmacy chick was very nice and looked at every pharmacy in a 50 mile radius in their system, no one carries it. It’s such an odd prescription that they just don’t keep it. Hence my calling the doctor’s office for the past three days leaving message after message and telling the midwife personally that I’m going to be out.
So baby, please please PLEASE hold on. I promise tomorrow night we’ll be back on schedule. To my midwife…look out lady because you’ve just awoken the beast.
Today I called my Walgreens and found out that they still hadn’t called in my script. Yep, I lost it. I called the office and got yet another ditz from the front desk. This is how it went:
D: Dr. Awesome’s office how can I help you?
M: Hi, I’m L and I’m calling to check on the status of my prescription being called in.
D: Okay, DOB?
M: mm/dd/yyyy
D: One moment please…
[horrible hold music for 1 minute]
D: Okay, so you are calling to leave a message because you need a prescription?
M: No, I’m calling to find out why my prescription hasn’t been called in yet despite my calling yesterday and Monday. I spoke with the midwife and she said she was calling it in Monday, but my pharmacy has no records of that.
D: Okay, just one moment
[horrible hold music for 15 minutes]
Finally after being on hold for 15 minutes I hung up. This is ridiculous. I’m sure she looked up my name in the system and saw that I’ve called how many times and went into panic mode. I bet even the office manager was notified that a scathing mad pregnant lady was on the phone.
They finally called me back 30 minutes later to tell me they just called in my prescription and it should be available for pick up this evening. Well, that’s nice princess, but considering NO PHARMACY STOCKS IT I won’t actually have it this evening. The earliest the pharmacy can get it is late tomorrow afternoon. So I will be missing my doses. The pharmacy chick was very nice and looked at every pharmacy in a 50 mile radius in their system, no one carries it. It’s such an odd prescription that they just don’t keep it. Hence my calling the doctor’s office for the past three days leaving message after message and telling the midwife personally that I’m going to be out.
So baby, please please PLEASE hold on. I promise tomorrow night we’ll be back on schedule. To my midwife…look out lady because you’ve just awoken the beast.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
6w5d: So Frustrated
I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown right now
because I’m so frustrated. Why the hell is it so hard for doctor’s offices to,
oh I don’t know, do their freaking job?!
Monday I called my midwife’s office, same lady I saw before who works with Dr. Awesome. I reminded them that my Crinone will be out as of Wednesday and I need my refill, and casually asked about my u/s. Imagine my shock when the chick tells me I don’t get one until 20 weeks. WTF?! I kept my cool though. I calmly told her that I spoke with Lynnette about this and she agreed that I’d need an u/s at my appointment to ensure that everything is progressing as it should so we can make a game plan. She said she’d get with the midwife and someone would call me back.
Lynnette called me back. First, I had to tell her what supplement I was on. Really?! You couldn’t just grab my damn chart and take a look? Then I had to tell her how much and how often and how many refills I would need. Who’s the flucking medical professional here? Then she tells me that no one scheduled my u/s and I might not be able to get in until after the first of the year when I’m already in my 2nd trimester. Not working for me. I explained to her the conversation we had, I went over everything, again, and she said she would speak with the tech and get back to me about when they can get me in.
This morning I still had not heard back. I’m a firm believer in taking control of your own life so once I realized my script still hadn’t been called in I called the office again. Left another message about my Crinone being out TOMORROW and needing it ASAP. I also mentioned, again, I need to know what they figured out about my u/s. That was at 10 am. Never heard back. As of this evening still no script for Crinone called in.
I’m beside myself right now. I’m exactly 1 week out from the point at which I lost Spawn. So obviously I’m a hot mess with fear and then they add this on top of it. Crinone isn’t exactly something the pharmacy keeps on hand so they have to have at least 1 day notice to order it. That means today was my last shot to get the freaking meds before I’m out. As in out out not supplementing the very hormone that failed and cost me my pregnancy last time.
I don’t want to be that patient. I don’t want to be the difficult pain in the ass patient who drives everyone nuts, but on the same token I’m not going to be that naïve patient who puts everything into the medical professionals just to lose it all. It just upsets me that here I thought this woman got it. I can’t see Dr. Awesome so she seemed like a really awesome back up plan. I really thought she understood my fears and my personal situation and would tailor my treatment to that. Apparently being a midwife she looks at everything with goggles on and puts everyone into the same “you’re fine and don’t need anything until much later” category. I’m done.
Monday I called my midwife’s office, same lady I saw before who works with Dr. Awesome. I reminded them that my Crinone will be out as of Wednesday and I need my refill, and casually asked about my u/s. Imagine my shock when the chick tells me I don’t get one until 20 weeks. WTF?! I kept my cool though. I calmly told her that I spoke with Lynnette about this and she agreed that I’d need an u/s at my appointment to ensure that everything is progressing as it should so we can make a game plan. She said she’d get with the midwife and someone would call me back.
Lynnette called me back. First, I had to tell her what supplement I was on. Really?! You couldn’t just grab my damn chart and take a look? Then I had to tell her how much and how often and how many refills I would need. Who’s the flucking medical professional here? Then she tells me that no one scheduled my u/s and I might not be able to get in until after the first of the year when I’m already in my 2nd trimester. Not working for me. I explained to her the conversation we had, I went over everything, again, and she said she would speak with the tech and get back to me about when they can get me in.
This morning I still had not heard back. I’m a firm believer in taking control of your own life so once I realized my script still hadn’t been called in I called the office again. Left another message about my Crinone being out TOMORROW and needing it ASAP. I also mentioned, again, I need to know what they figured out about my u/s. That was at 10 am. Never heard back. As of this evening still no script for Crinone called in.
I’m beside myself right now. I’m exactly 1 week out from the point at which I lost Spawn. So obviously I’m a hot mess with fear and then they add this on top of it. Crinone isn’t exactly something the pharmacy keeps on hand so they have to have at least 1 day notice to order it. That means today was my last shot to get the freaking meds before I’m out. As in out out not supplementing the very hormone that failed and cost me my pregnancy last time.
I don’t want to be that patient. I don’t want to be the difficult pain in the ass patient who drives everyone nuts, but on the same token I’m not going to be that naïve patient who puts everything into the medical professionals just to lose it all. It just upsets me that here I thought this woman got it. I can’t see Dr. Awesome so she seemed like a really awesome back up plan. I really thought she understood my fears and my personal situation and would tailor my treatment to that. Apparently being a midwife she looks at everything with goggles on and puts everyone into the same “you’re fine and don’t need anything until much later” category. I’m done.
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