Tomorrow is Monday which means back to the grind.
No more sitting on my couch reading trashy books and watching the Science channel and eating junk food.
I'll actually have to get back out there and be a part of society again. This sucks.
In the AM I have my appointment where I will hopefully find out that my uterus is empty. I'll be honest, I'll flip my ever loving shit if I find out it's not. I do think there will be a cross between anger, hysteria and disbelief that will come out in the form of incoherent sobs. This was by far one of the worst weekends and to find out that it was fruitless, that will kill me.
The worst part about getting back to the grind means getting back to having to smile when I feel like my heart is breaking. Crying in the car on my way home from family gatherings. Smiling and nodding while friends talk about their kids. Doing my best to hide my feelings because it's uncomfortable for them. I mean, nevermind the fact that I just lost my baby. Please, allow me to just bury that pain so you don't have to feel awkward around me. And I just can't possibly wait for the question that will come countless times "When are you guys going to try again?" Oh, sure lets just jump right back up on that horse. Since it's so easy after all. Oh wait, that's right it's not.
Of course then we have the holidays coming up. Because that's just how my life is. I can't even get to stay a recluse for a couple of weeks. I have to just jump right back into life and all the bullshit that comes with it. Wednesday is T's Christmas party with his guys and I'm dreading the damn thing. They are pretty much all married with kids so I get to listen to all the women share their parenting stories and tips and there will be me. I'm sure I'll get the "when are you guys having kids" since we're almost 30 after all. What do I say? "Yeah, someday" and just smile? Or do I say what I really want to say "Well, we're trying, but my body just can't seem to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It's a real bitch." Oh wait, nope can't say that one. Can't actually tell people what I'm feeling because then I'd be bitter.
This whole thing just sucks because before I got pregnant again I was actually in a pretty decent place. Then we got pregnant and I thought since it was our Wailing Wall prayer baby that this would be the one. Now, I'm even more bitter and cynical and just downright pissed off at the world. 2 steps forward, just to jump 87 back. It's not easier because this is our 2nd loss. It's fucking harder because I can't just say "oh bad luck" and "we have time." We were supposed to be DONE by now. Not still trying to just even get started.
Universe, please just throw me a fucking bone at this point...
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