Moving On...

I wish I could post some good news. That I called our insurance company and they told me we have amazing fertility assistance coverage and that everything would be covered. That I then found a wonderful RE who has great results and we were able to get an appointment and we're hopeful and excited. I can't.

We have ZERO fertility assistance coverage. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Medications aren't even covered. If we want to pursue finding an RE and trying to make this happen it will be 100% out of pocket and that's something we just can't do right now. Realizing that was so defeating and devastating. My whole life I have worked towards this goal of having a big family. I would give my left arm just to have ONE healthy child. I don't even need a pair. I'll be happy with one. Growing up I always said I would never have an only child. Now I would gladly sign in blood to have that arrangement.

Realizing that fertility assistance might not be in the cards at this time I turned to other options, like adoption. T and I had talked about it before and are both open to the idea. My goal is to be a mom, not just pregnant. I know in my heart I could love an adopted child as much as a biological child. It takes a hell of a lot more than genetics to make a parent and family. I know people who would say they just couldn't love an adopted child the same. These people are also people who haven't encountered any fertility struggles. When you have a dream, like being a parent, you begin to look at the big picture. I want to be a mom. Whether my child grows in my heart or my womb, that child would be MINE.

Sadly, adoption isn't much of an option either. The fees associated with it are breath taking and it too has it's own emotional roller coaster. One that I don't think I'm mentally sound enough to get on at this point. Maybe someday, just not today. So where does that leave us? Just us. For right now it's going to be just us. I'm considering taking a break from temping and charting and just go back to living my life. Maybe we'll get a miracle and conceive a child and I'll actually be able to carry him/her to term. Or maybe an opportunity to adopt will present itself. Or maybe it's just not in our cards. All I know is mentally I'm not in a good place at all. The up's and down's of everything has weighed me down so much and I really need to try to get centered again. For now, no more posts about cycles or charting or OPK's. No more baby planning or dreaming about what could be. I have held everything in for so long and I've reached my breaking point.

The best part of this....today is CD1...