I Surrender

Well, despite my diligent efforts, my body is showing NO signs of O’ing in the near future so I’m going to stop using my OPK’s. For one, they are pricey. I am literally pissing money down the drain. Second, the negative results are really starting to affect my mojo. I’m so frustrated and flustered my body is probably like “oh hell no, she is in NO position to be having kids,” despite the fact that weren’t not even TTC yet. I’m going to continue to do my temps and just stick with that for now. Hopefully not focusing on the negative results so much will make my body chill.

In other news, I’m on a new diet plan to try to lose weight before we try again. Sure this might push back when we start trying again, but I figure I would rather wait another cycle or two and get healthier than just jump right into trying because I want to. I want to know that I did everything I could do be as healthy as possible for our next baby. Not that it had anything to do with why we lost Spawn, but I can’t help feeling like in some way I am responsible for the loss. Not to mention all my pants are tight so I could stand to drop some lbs.

I also decided to dye my hair back to my natural color. As hot as my 4 inch roots were, it was time. The funny thing is I’ve had the lighter red for so long when I went back to my natural color (WAY DARK brown) I looked so different. I also added some bangs, like real bangs. Not just the longer side sweep bangs, I’m talking at my eyebrow level bangs. I like them, they’re different and I think I need that right now.

I think the sudden desire for change is coming from the fact that we are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark from my m/c. The 1st month I was too emotional to really focus on anything. My wounds were all still gaping and very raw. Now, they aren’t. It still hurts and I still miss Spawn more than anything in this world, but I’m definitely at a much better place now. However, that place is really giving me the desire to make some changes in my life. Some are physical, others are emotional, some are mental. I don’t want Spawn’s passing to go in vain, I have to think there is some reason why it happened. Maybe it was to force me to get off my dead ass and make the changes I wanted? Really the only 2 things I know for sure are:

1. I am not the same person I was pre-pregnancy and loss.
2. I love you Spawn, to the moon & back.