I'll be honest, I never had any intention of posting on this blog again. In fact, I pretty much gave up blogging altogether after I stopped posting here because I just didn't want to anymore. Blogging was so therapeutic for me, but at the same time I worried that it actually held me back more than helped. I would reread my old posts a lot of times and there was just so much sadness and anger there. Understandably, of course, but I didn't feel like it was helping me in moving forward. I feel like it was more of a weight that stopped me from letting things go and embracing the new.
Having said that, this is really the only place I feel I can and more importantly should openly post my feelings because right now they are all over the map.
Before I can get to why, I need to explain how things have been in order for it to make sense why I'm where I'm at, emotionally that is.
I struggled, greatly, with being CF until about 7 months ago. I can't really say what exactly changed, but my sister announced her second pregnancy and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I was so excited and elated that she was pregnant. That's when it sort of hit me that I was in a really good place emotionally. T and I started making some big life decisions and I found real contentment and most of all happiness in our life. I changed jobs in December. We decided to sell our house. We planned another big trip to Europe. I was actually really happy and feeling like just maybe, things were going to work out. So I wouldn't be a mom, but I got to be the awesome Auntie who spoils the ever loving crap out of her nephews and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath. Like my eldest nephew having a total meltdown when my sister tries to get him off the trampoline I got him. Hehe. I got to the point where talking about kids didn't hurt and I could walk past the baby section in Target and not bat an eye. I was...happy as a family of 2.
Like my life always does, 3 weeks ago T and I were thrown a huge curve ball....
Yep, it's exactly what you think it is. Over 2 years after our last loss and 1.5 years after having the "you have a better shot at winning the lottery after being struck by lightening while surfing a great white shark" discussion with the RE, I found myself staring a surprising BFP.
I wish I could just allow myself to feel so incredibly grateful and blessed beyond belief. We got pregnant without trying, without assistance and completely unexpectedly. I wish I could just allow my heart to feel so incredibly grateful, but my head is absolutely refusing to because there is a very huge, very real chance this will end as my other two have...with heartbreak.
I was completely in denial about possibly being pregnant. I rationalized that I was just stressed from recently having started a new job and I thought there was a chance I noted my cycle wrong. Not to mention I have no a flippin' clue what my O cycle is like anymore. So yeah, I absolutely thought I was just wrong.
Then the back pain started. Back pain was a big issue with Offspring as were my boobs, that also currently hurt something fierce. It became undeniable that there was obviously something off, so I took a pg test. I only had my internet cheapies (that expired in Nov), but it was better than nothing so I took one and that line was very positive. I ended up buying a FRER & CBE digital on my way home that evening and both were very positive.
2 weeks ago I had my first appt with the OB. Ironically it was on the 4 year anniversary of my BFP with Spawn. As expected there was blood work and discussions about what we're going to do. My progesterone once again was failing, measuring at 8.5, so now I'm back on Crinone which let me tell you I have NOT missed that shit one bit.
Last Thursday was my first u/s. I had some spotting the night before and it was right at the point my body fails and destroys everything that I hold dear, so I went into the appointment expecting to get bad news. T and I both were and we were completely and utterly numb when the u/s started and remained that way the entire way through.
That's Progeny. Our very (currently) alive baby measuring 7w1d. I was put off by the measurement because I was 7w5d based on my LMP, but given my body has historically showed to be a late O'er it would make sense I O'd later which puts us right on target. One day head actually if we're going to nitpick.
T and I didn't laugh. We didn't cry tears of joy. We both just sat there totally numb and stared at the screen. It sounds bad, I know it does. We should have been so thrilled, especially after everything right? But we can't just get there.
Why?
Because my body sucks. That's the painful reality. My body is just not designed for reproduction and we have no reason to believe that has changed randomly since our sobering discussion with the RE. We're of course doing everything we can do give this little one a fighting chance because my heart refuses to allow anything else, but a huge part of me is angry with myself. We were in such a wonderful place and now we're facing a huge chance of reopening all those painful wounds.
Our OB has scheduled my next appointment for 4 weeks unless something happens. I know some would be put off by the huge gap, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop another miscarriage and since my body has a history of almost immediately miscarrying after fetal demise, there is no reason to think it wouldn't again. In 4 weeks, if everything stays status quo, I'll go back in for another appointment and we'll discuss additional u/s's, testing and other various things.
If I had to pick one emotion to describe me right now...numb. I'd love to get excited and be thrilled, but I'm being real and practical and we're just bracing for impact.
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