10DPO: The Arrival of the Ugly Cry

That was me at just before 7 am this morning. Except I was standing at my bathroom counter and holding my negative pregnancy test. I felt it coming on when I saw my temp dip this morning. Sure, your temp can go all over the place, but I was having some serious negative déjà vu over it. Despite the little nagging voice telling me not to, I opted to test instead of waiting and that pure white negative brought on the ugly cry.

Now when I say ugly cry, I’m not just talking I had a few tears, my face got distorted, but in a few minutes I was back to normal. I’m talking I could not stop the tears. They kept coming and coming. I had to get ready for work so there I was flat ironing my hair, trying to do my make up, all while doing the ugly cry. I’m a good multi tasker that way. I don’t allow my emotional breakdowns to stop my normal day to day activities. I finally gained control, only to lose it in the car again when “I’m Moving On” by Rascall Flatts came on my iPod. Seriously? I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to wipe my eyes and fix my make up while driving with my knee so I didn’t look hungover at work.

I got to work earlier than normal, got up to my desk and proceeded to struggle for a good portion of the morning with the tears. Of course people see your wet eyes and ask if you are okay, I just chuckled and said I was so tired and couldn’t stop yawning. They bought it. When I finally gained some composure I logged into FF to see my chart and really overanalyze it all. I kept having this feeling of déjà vu. Then I went back to my first cycle on Clomid. Yeah, they are pretty much identical. Both with amazing timing. Both with a positive attitude. And I’m pretty sure both with a negative result.

It’s defeating. It truly, truly is. I know I could try to chalk it up to that I’m still really early and maybe I just need another day, but there really is no point in doing that. I allowed myself to get my hopes up really high this month and my massive ugly cry attack is a direct response to that. The only way I’m going to keep my sanity during this is to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. I need to stop looking at baby stuff. I need to stop bookmarking things under my “Someday” folder on my iPad. I need to stop over analyzing every little tweak and twinge that goes on with my body.

I think one of the hardest parts about this now isn’t so much everyone else getting pregnant. I mean yeah, sure, it hurts and I’m green eyed over it, but that’s not really it. The thing that gets me is how envious I am of women who get pregnant without really having to try. The stories of “we just decided to throw out our birth control and see what happens and our first cycle, bam” rip my heart out. Why? Because I’m like past the PhD degree in charting. I’m so in tune with my body it’s not even funny. I temp. I use OPK’s. I am taking medications. I’m being monitored. We’re scheduling sexy time. We literally do everything in our power to give us the best possible chances and yet nothing. I so wish I could go back to the days where I thought I had the “normal” 28 day cycle and I didn’t know anything about charting. I wish my reality was we got pregnant with an “oops” baby.

So now we wait. I am not testing again until Saturday, which will be 13DPO. If I get a BFN then, then we know it’s another busted cycle. If/when CD1 comes, I will be putting in a call to my doc about switching meds. While Clomid has proven that it is putting my ovaries to work, the emotional side effects are becoming too much to handle. If we get a BFP, well, then I’ll have another crying episode, but this time it won’t be an ugly one.