Today marks the 1 year anniversary of our BFP for Spawn. Exactly 1 year ago I was over the moon excited and could not believe my dream of being a mother was finally going to come true. I can still remember my hand shaking while I held the test and repeated “OMG, OMG, OMG” just staring at those two beautiful lines. The day I found out I was pregnant truly was an amazing day. To know we actually did it and I was carrying our baby was amazing. It was one of the rare times I was happy with my body and I couldn’t wait to hold our little one.
Today, my arms and my uterus are empty. Painfully empty.
I keep telling myself that I’m okay because after a while I’m bound to believe it. I knew this day was coming and I did my best to prepare for it, but nothing can really prepare you to face the anniversary of one of the happiest days of your life, when things ended so badly. I didn’t get the flowers or balloons. I didn’t get the baby shower or nursery furniture. I didn’t get my baby. Something that always hangs over my head, but is seriously at the forefront of my mind these days.
I know the decision to hold off on further treatments was ours and we could go back on it at any time, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this hurts like hell. I wish I wasn’t taking this trip because that would mean I would either have a little one in my arms, or a little one in my belly. I try to tell myself that this trip is what we need, that we need to focus on us because we’re drifting too far apart, but then my heart screams that I will never be happy until I have a baby in my arms. I know we can’t keep pushing forward if we’re drifting too far apart, but it’s so hard to convince my heart of that.
Today just sucks. And I know March 20th is going to suck even more. I hate this.
Spawn, I love you my sweet baby to the moon and back!
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