4w6d - Worries

From the moment you see that second line, the + or the digital “Pregnant” or in my case “YES+” you worry. It is a never ending cycle in parenting that starts literally moments after conception. Like any other mom to be, I have a million worries. I’m worried about getting through my first trimester. I’m worried about being a good mom. I’m worried about making the right choices. But the biggest worry that I have nagging my mind, is my cervix. I am so worried about it, it keeps me up.

In 2004 I was diagnosed with High Grade Lesion. If you don’t know what that is and are going off to google it, you’re lucky! It’s basically the last step before cancer. 4 is cancer, I was a 3. I was 19 years old and told I was one step away from cervical cancer. Wind literally sucked from my lungs. My doctor was optimistic and we opted to go with cryotherapy. Again, if you are googling, you are SOOOO LUCKY. I’ll spare the details. Just know, it’s completely invasive, horribly painful and you are awake and feeling every second of it.

My mom sat next to me and my dad waited in the waiting room, again my support system. I have a high pain tolerance. I have multiple tattoos. I’ve had so many cuts and nicks that I’m practically a road map, but nothing prepared me for that pain. My legs shook and I couldn’t even speak. I just laid there with tears falling. I had to suffer through 2 cycles of cryotherapy, 5 minutes each, until my doctor was pleased. Mom and dad helped me home and all we could do was wait.

My first post procedure pap came back normal. The pain was worth it. To have a normal pap and have the cells gone, that was worth it. My second pap only a few short months later, that one wasn’t so great. It came back 3 again, High Grade Lesion. My doctor ordered another colposcopy and that’s where he learned that not only were the cells back with a vengeance, they were moving INTO my cervix, not just outside anymore. He couldn’t tip toe around it anymore, he had to take the cells out.

A lot of women have a procedure called LEEP. It’s very common in fact. The laser removes a small portion of the cervix and the woman heals with little to no problems. I couldn’t have that one though; we had to go a step up to cold knife conization of my cervix. I’ll spare those details; just know it involves a scalpel, in my whooha. In September, 2004 I had my out patient surgery. The procedure went fine and I’ve been blessed to have normal paps ever since. Even though my doctor warned me that due to the amount of scar tissue on my cervix natural conception might be difficult, I didn’t really think about it. Until now.

I’m pregnant. I’m so happily pregnant it’s not even funny. Now that I am pregnant, I have to face the facts that I had a good portion of my cervix removed. Your cervix doesn’t grow back. When it’s gone, it’s gone. I knew there were risks when I had the procedure, but I was 19. I wasn’t thinking about the risks. I was thinking that I didn’t want cancer. I don’t regret my decision to go through with the procedure, but I do worry about the effect it will have on my pregnancy.

Any woman is at risk for preterm labor, or an incompetent cervix. You don’t have to have pre-existing problems to have issues, but having pre-existing problems does increase your odds. All I can do at this point is continue to hope that my body doesn’t fail me again and that this little one is as stubborn as his/her mommy and daddy. I will do ANYTHING I can to make sure this child is born healthy, even if that means super gluing my legs closed.