One Post....A LOT To Say

#1: Onto Cycle 5

Check that out! 11 days!!! I had an 11 day LP this month!!! I am THRILLED about this. Sure, it's not fabulous by any means, but to someone who's average LP is 8.3 days this is HUGE. There isn't anything else to say. Beautiful!

#2: T Got Promoted!
Gotta be a bragger for a second. T got promoted!! He is now a Sergeant and I am so proud of him. Today we actually went and bought all his new uniforms (he was in Detectives when they changed so he never got them) and his new outer carry vest. It was a bit of an investment :cough, $850, cough:, but worth it because I'm all about his comfort for work and more importantly his safety. If he's comfortable he can move around easier and not to mention the outer carry vest will replace his belt and his vest that he used to wear under his uniforms. So, there is NO chance he can sneak out of the house without it! Booyeah!

#3: Doctor's Appointment This Week!!!!
Thursday is my doctor's appointment. We have a lot to cover. My well woman (oh joy) and my LP issues. Even though my LP was longer this month, my average is still too low so we'll see what she wants to do. I'm not going to try to guess because I don't want to get my hopes up for one thing to have her do another. The point is by the end of this week we could actually have a game plan.

#4: 5 Months.
Today marks 5 months since our beautiful Spawn grew wings. It's hard. I still get teary eyed and a lump in my throat, but I'm doing better. I try not to think about where I should be right now and focus on where I am. With every month that goes by it gets a little easier and hurts a little less, but I don't think it will ever not hurt. No matter how many kids I do go on to have one thing will remain the same, I have one in heaven and that child cannot be replaced.

That's the hard thing to get people to understand about pregnancy loss, especially early loss. People think "oh well you can just get pregnant again." No, it's not like that. You can't replace the child you lost. Like your kids, each one is different and unique and I will never get to know that child. I will never know if s/he had my lips or T's eyes. I will never get to know if s/he likes to read like me or prefers to game like daddy. I never had the chance to find these little quirks out that make that child unique. No child can be replaced. Yes, I will have future children, but Spawn will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart and no amount of time is going to change that.

I am hoping this marks a turning point for us. Our year from hell appears to be turning around and by the end of this year we could have wonderful news to share. Spawn, know one thing will never change, your mommy and daddy love you, to the moon and back.