3 Months...

3 months ago today my heart broke in a way I never imagined possible. I woke up to intense pain and only a few hours later it was confirmed that my baby was gone, forever. There was no chance s/he was hiding or that s/he was moving around. My entire uterus was empty. As was my chest, because with the news that my baby was gone, my heart too went to heaven. 3 months ago today, everything about my life and myself completely changed.

Looking back on the past 3 months I am amazed how far I have come. I have gone from having serious emotional breakdowns at even the mention of baby items, to planning a baby shower and being actually excited about it. I am proud of myself. If you would have told me 3 months ago that I would be laughing again, I would tell you that you were nuts. If you would have told me that I would be able to help my sister register and not want to run into traffic, I would have told you that you were crazy.

As life has a crazy way of doing, it moves on as do you. During the horrible first few hours, days, weeks and sometimes months post loss, you feel like you are in this eternal pit of darkness and sadness. Everything about life seems to be duller and have absolutely no life in it. Then slowly the color comes back. The sky that had turned an ugly matte blue goes back to being a vibrant lively blue. You find yourself leaving your house and not worrying every second if you are going to run into a pregnant woman, or an infant.

The most incredible thing to me is that someone so small, who left so soon had the greatest impact on my life. I am no where near the person I was pre-loss and I’m grateful for that. Spawn taught me to be braver. To live life a little more fully. To laugh a little bit harder. To forgive a little more often. To hug just a little bit tighter. To smile just a little bit wider. And most importantly, to tell those that you love that you do love them, a little more often.

I’m human and I do cry every now and then. There is this part of me that hurts and I know that it will always hurt. There are times where I get angry because I will never know why this happened. But I take it in stride. That’s all we really can do.