For the love of all that is holy, please do NOT let my body be playing tricks! Houston, I think we might have ovulation! On CD21 too! Sure, not exactly super awesome, but sure as hell beats last month's O on CD27! Since I didn't use OPK's this month I have to wait for at least 2 more days to get my crosshairs to know that I did indeed O, but I'm hopeful this is it. Now starts the obsessing over how long my LP is going to be this month. I'm not greedy. It doesn't need to be super long, just PLEASE at least add 1 day. At least move to 11. Not fantastic, but that 1 extra day will really help my sanity!
If this is indeed ovulation then that means this is it. In the matter of days (or 2 weeks which would ROCK my world) T and I will have my doctor's blessing to proceed with trying again. A prospect that absolutely scares the ever loving bejeezus out of me. Trying pre-Spawn was more frustrating than anything. The frustration of having a nice chart and awesome timing, but AF arrives. The frustration of everyone else becoming pregnant with little to no effort. The frustration of how sex is no longer about passion, but more about trying to procreate. Now it's just crippling fear. Fear that we will become pregnant again and that we will lose another baby. I know I have to think positive, but it truly is so incredibly hard. When you finally get something you've wanted for so long, only to have it ripped violently away from you so quickly, it really changes how you look at things.
So, now we wait. Wait to see if I did indeed O. Wait to see how long my LP is. Wait to see if when CD1 comes we are ready. It's funny, right after we lost Spawn I couldn't wait to get to this point. The point of being able to try again. Now that we're standing just outside that doorway, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through.
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