My doctor’s appointment sucked. From the moment I walked into the building until the moment I left. Let’s start with the exciting “are you fucking kidding me” story. I walked in and the waiting room was empty. SCORE! No pregnant women! I let out my sigh, paid my co-pay and sat down. Minutes later a car pulled up and I looked out the window to see a woman carrying an infant carrier walking up. Awesome! She walks in and it’s obvious she’s still recovering from her delivery; she has a newborn baby boy in the carrier and with her is this young looking pregnant girl. Based on the conversation I overheard between them and the doctor’s staff. The woman was mom, the girl was her teenage daughter, and the boy was her son. Her teenage daughter isn’t even old enough to drive yet she’s more than halfway through her pregnancy. How special, mom and daughter get to experience pregnancy together. :insert eye roll here:
I bite my tongue and just go back to looking at my phone while they proceed to stare at me. Not glance, STARE. Then in walks another pregnant teenager with her mom and young child. I figured young child was the grandma’s, but NOPE, that was the teens as well. She’s on to baby #2.
I don’t have anything against teen parents. I really don’t. A lot of teens step up to the plate, grow up and raise their children. There are quite a few who don’t though and I have a feeling based on their conversations, these two girls were in that “don’t” category.
Finally I get called back, hallelujah. Dr. Awesome’s nurse and nurse intern do the normal line of questioning and once the nurse got into my history (the loss, IF, etc) the nurse intern’s eyes look like they were about to bulge out of their head. She caught herself and her complete look of shock, but a little too late, I saw it. I tried to stay optimistic though, Dr. Awesome always makes me feel better. He’s optimistic and always smiles so I couldn’t wait to see him.
About 10 minutes later Dr. Awesome comes in. No smile, holding a dictionary, er, my chart, and sat down. He thumbed through my file for a moment before he finally sucked all the oxygen from the room. My clomid cycles were “textbook.” My charts were “beautiful” and our timing was “fantastic.” He thought for sure in 3 cycles we would have gotten there, but we didn’t. Before we proceed with anything else he wants to do some additional tests and based on his tone and how he was speaking, I have a feeling he thinks the issue isn’t solely on me. He wants an HSG on me and a SA for T. I figured at any point he would smile and say it’s just precautionary, but that never happened.
Finally he said it; we might have to go to a Reproduction Endocrinologist. I wanted to cry. He explained that if T’s SA comes back with an issue, we’ll have to go to a RE. If it turns out he’s good, he will only do 3 more medicated cycles (with another med) before he recommends a RE. He ended up saying the term RE like a dozen times. He explained how some things are just out of his reach and he doesn’t have the necessary equipment and resources. That sometimes on the outside an issue looks easy to fix, but in reality it’s not. He ended it with saying we need the results of these two tests before we can move forward.
His nurse gave me the orders for the SA and explained when CD1 comes along I need to call her so they can schedule my HSG. I left the office feeling defeated. Sad and defeated. I know we don’t have the results back and it could be everything else is fine, but the fact that my optimistic doctor lost that tone makes me so pessimistic. If he is losing his optimism, then I sure as hell will be.
The reality is if it comes back that there’s another issue, we will be right back and square one. Needing a RE and not having the resources to see one. It will be at least a year, at best, before we can even entertain the idea of seeing one. Since it’s 100% out of pocket we will need to save money to pay for this. Then once we see the RE, it will take time to save money to pay for the procedures they think we need. Just more and more waiting. More and more optimism and hope going down the drain. I am hoping and wishing and praying T’s SA comes back normal and that clomid just wasn’t our drug. Otherwise my dreams of being a mom are quickly slipping out of reach.
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