6w: Weekly Update

I have decided to tweak the weekly updates. I realized that all I’m simply doing is input and regurgitation and not really documenting our progress. I went back to compare some of my symptoms to the symptoms I had with Spawn around this time and quickly realized I didn’t document any and on top of that, I don’t remember. I guess somewhere in the back of my head I thought I’d never forget, but I did. So I’ve decided to make these a little more personal. Feel free to read or skip. Once we've had our u/s in December I also intend on adding weekly bump pictures so we can watch Offspring and I grow!

How far along are you: 6 weeks
How big is baby: 1/3 inch
Baby is as big as a: Sweet Pea
Total weight gain/loss: 0
Are you showing: No, I’m at that awkward look like I’m just indulging too much this holiday season bloated stage.
Maternity clothes: No
Food aversions: Nothing specific yet, but I do have a very sensitive tummy.
Cravings: Sugary sweets (not chocolate)
Sleep: Good
How do you feel: Bloated, exhausted and my boobs hurt constantly. Also the occasional nausea is kicking in.
Movements: Too early
Gender guess: Boy
Best moment this week: Getting slight confidence to look at baby things
What I miss: Coffee (I’d kill for a double shot peppermint mocha)
What I am looking forward to: Our u/s in December
Weekly wisdom: Keep saltines and 7-up in your house at all times, you never know when the urge to puke will come.

5w3d: Stomach Flu While Pregnant Sucks

I love my nephew, I super do. However, spending time with him over Turkey day has left me feeling like complete crap. He had a touch of the stomach flu and we all pretty much assumed it was just travelers issues, but turns out it wasn't. I spent all Friday night up and tossing my cookies and yesterday was pretty much spent going back and forth between my bed and the bathroom. In the last 36 hours the only thing I've eaten is like 4 sugar free popsicles and a dozen saltines and a diet 7-up. I weighed myself and found out I've lost 4 pounds. Yeah, it's been bad.

The good news is that despite feeling like total crap, I've still managed to take my Crinone as prescribed and managed to keep it secure. No spotting and no Offspring issues, so hopefully this go with the tummy flu has left him/her unscathed. Now to survive until our first appt in 22 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything...

5w: Weekly Update

How your baby's growing:

Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

How your life's changing:

You may notice some pregnancy-related discomforts already. Many women report sore breasts, fatigue, and frequent urination starting in the early weeks. You may also have nausea, though it's more likely to show up in the coming weeks.

The outside world won't see any sign of the dramatic developments taking place inside you — except that you're turning down that glass of wine with dinner, perhaps. It's important to avoid alcohol throughout your pregnancy since no one knows exactly how much — or how little — alcohol can harm a developing baby.

You'll also want to continue or start an exercise routine. Exercise helps you develop the strength and endurance you'll need to manage the extra weight you'll be carrying. It may help prevent some of the aches and pains of pregnancy, and many women find that it's a great stress-reducer. Exercise can also help you get ready for the physical rigors of labor.

Finally, it's easier to bounce back after you give birth if you've continued some form of exercise throughout pregnancy. Choose a safe, moderately vigorous activity you enjoy. Walking and swimming are fine choices for pregnant women

4w3d: Expecting vs. Expecting after a loss

I belong to an online community for women. While a lot of folks joke and criticize people who do that, a lot of these ladies have saved my sanity. When we lost Spawn and entered the hell that was TTCAL I found great comfort in having a place to go to vent my feelings to people who "got it." There was no judgement or criticisms, just other ladies who understood and in turn shared their stories and fears with me. I've met some ladies who've since turned into real life friends. We Facebook, we text and in some cases we even meet for lunch. It doesn't matter that we met online, they are friendships that stem from something much deeper than anything I could describe.

Now that we're so blessed to be expecting I no longer post on the one board I've been active on since Spawn. It's bittersweet actually. I'm happy to be pregnant again, but I miss a lot of these ladies so much. Some of them I still talk to on Facebook and text, but I don't post on that board out of respect for the ladies who are still on their TTCAL journey. I know that some day's it was hard for me to see someone who had their new pregnancy info in their signature. I've now moved over to the pregnant board and I'm glad to be amongst a lot of awesome women there. I've also joined a regular birth month board...this board I'm not as comfortable on.

It's apparent to me with some 90% of the daily posts that being pregnant versus being pregnant after a loss are two very different journeys. I envy these ladies honestly. If only my biggest worry was stretch marks, gasp, or looking forward to my boobs getting bigger. It's hard for me to not roll my eyes at the countless "I'm exhausted" and other "woe is me" posts. I get it, pregnancy isn't easy, but I'm of the mindset that I'm so very grateful to be pregnant that I don't care what type of effect it's having on me. Am I tired? Yes. Do my boobs hurt? Yep. Do I have cramps. All the time. Am I constantly complaining about them? No. It's all just a sign that there is a miracle growing within me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these ladies don't have the right to vent. They do. Just as I have the right to roll my eyes and feel they are oh so vain (dude, who cares if you get stretch marks? Isn't a healthy baby worth it?) and whiny (lay down, we all know you're tired), and sometimes oblivious (OMG! How are you announcing squee! :insert eye roll here:). I wish my focus was on picking out a cute way to announce or planning out my gender reveal party already. It's not though. My focus is on doing everything in my damn power to keep this pregnancy. To try to jump over the hurdles and keep a positive attitude while trying not to lose my sanity.

I know I'm just jealous. I'm jealous that I can't have that happy, giddy, oblivious pregnancy. I hope I get there someday, just today, I'm all too aware at just how bad things can really get. Offspring, please PLEASE stick in there baby. We love you so much.

4w1d: A Closet Alcoholic

I’m quite sure my co-workers think I’m a closet alcoholic. I’m not kidding.

I’m still very early in my pregnancy and it’s the first one after our loss, so of course I’m a barrel of nerves which means every time I feel a twinge or a tweak or something more graphic than that I hightail it to the ladies room with a mysterious bulge in my sweater pocket (no, it’s not a flask it’s my cell phone). Which of course everything shows to be status quo and I tell myself “Dude, you need to chill out.” Well, that’s until 20 minutes later and I feel something else and just repeat the cycle. Adding the supplement to the game has just caused more of this.

I’m not complaining. Believe me, I’m so not complaining. I will run to the ladies room every 20 minutes for the next 9 months if I have to, but I’m sure at some point an intervention is going to be held in our Office Administrator’s office. I imagine it will be something to the effect of “L, a lot of people are very concerned about your behavior.” I mean, it’s not like she can say “Look lady are you a lush or do you have IBS? Which is it?” She’s a nice person so it would be nice. She’d probably hand me some pamphlet full of information about alcoholism and AA and all that. I’m sure when I leave for the day someone goes through my drawers looking for my flask. I should add one just for kicks. Little does anyone know that I never drink. No really, I don’t. I drank on our trip and that was probably one of the first times this year. I’ve never been fond of the drink.

I almost want to change Offspring’s nickname to Lush or Alchie. Something to remind me that people seriously think I have an issue. It probably doesn’t help that a couple of times when I’ve ran to the ladies room, and thought I was alone in there, I’ve let out a “whew, thank goodness, I’m just losing my mind.” Then of course I hear the toilet flush, my hand promptly slaps over my mouth and I sit perfectly still trying not to breathe as if that is going to reverse what I just said. No, I’m okay, just thankful that blood isn’t pooling in my undies, no big deal, carry on.

So why do I think that people think I might have an issue? Almost every time I come back from the ladies room someone is staring at me like “Oh that poor thing, 28 years old and already throwing her life away to the drink. Pity.”

4w: Offspring

It's Thursday which happens to be the day of the week where I advance in weeks in this pregnancy. This is the point in which a lot of women find out they are expecting. Here I am feeling like I'm a lifetime in already. It's the waiting. It does that.

Speaking of waiting, I got my results back from Beta #2. HCG is at 57 and P4 is up to 16. My doubling time on the HCG was 35.9 hours so I'm VERY happy with that. I'm even pleased with my P4 considering I only took 2 doses of the Crinone before they took the draw. I spoke with the midwife (she called to see how I was feeling and to give me the results) and she said they were happy with the progress. I even scheduled my appointment, but couldn't get in until 8w4d. I'm not excited about the wait, but I really want T to be there. I need him there this time.

With the good news on the betas comes to arrival of the nickname, Offspring. I feel better now that we're not referring to Offspring as "it". I hate that! S/he is not an "it", s/he is my baby and deserves to be considered as such. Now that we are feeling just a tad more confident as well, I'm starting the weekly updates as well. Eventually I might add the weekly bump pictures, but we'll see.

For today, I'm happy and I'm pregnant!

4w: Weekly Update

How your baby's growing:

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until 10 weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.

Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby's red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.

How your life's changing:

Sometime this week, you may be able to find out whether you're pregnant. For the most accurate results, wait until the end of the week to take a home pregnancy test. (You can try one now if you like, but you're more likely to get a correct result a week past your expected period.)

If the test is positive, call your practitioner's office and schedule your first prenatal appointment. Most practitioners won't see you until you're about eight weeks along, unless you have a medical condition, had problems with a previous pregnancy, or are having symptoms that need to be checked out.

 

If you're taking any medications — prescription or over-the-counter — ask now whether it's safe to keep taking them. And be sure to alert your caregiver to any other issues of concern.

You should already be taking a multivitamin that contains at least 400 micrograms (mcg) of folic acid. Once you're pregnant, you'll need a bit more — 600 mcg a day — so switch to a prenatal vitamin if you haven't already.

The next six weeks are critical to your baby's development. The rudimentary versions of the placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already functioning. Through the placenta, your baby is exposed to what you take into your body, so make sure it's good for both of you.

3w6d: Results & Meds

I'll be honest, seeing the positive digital yesterday did bring a smile to my face, especially considering my digital on Sunday was negative. The "Not Pregnant" was killing my juju. The "Pregnant" is helping the issue just a tad.

Got my first betas back yesterday morning. My HCG was 23, my P4 was 9. The HCG wasn't too bad, pretty much in line for women my age at 11DPO. The P4 on the other hand, that left something to be desired. Dr. Awesome decided to supplement my P4 which I pretty much expected.

Even though I knew there was a big chance my P4 was going to be low, actually hearing that it was stung a little. I'm thankful that Dr. Awesome is continuing to be awesome and proactive with it. He ordered a script called Crinone 8% Gel that I use 2 times a day. I'll spare the details of how the medication is administered, but I will say it isn't an oral medication. The price sucks on it too. It comes out to $40 per week. I mean, it's worth it. If it will keep baby safe then it's worth it. The sticker price just made me hate the insurance world that much more.

I had my 2nd beta draw this morning and hopefully tomorrow we will get our results. I'm aiming for my HCG doubling and my P4 being up, even if just slightly. I need to know that things are headed the right direction. 

3w4d: We’re Pregnant…Well Today Anyway

9DPO on Top; 10DPO on Bottom

There isn’t nearly the excited fanfare this time around, but there is happiness. T and I are both very guarded and while we’re hoping this pregnancy will stick, we’re fully preparing ourselves for the worst. A lot of couple’s who have suffered a loss often feel this way, especially in the early weeks. And boy am I early.

So how am I possibly aware of a pregnancy at 3w4d? That’s easy, I started testing at 9DPO. I felt a little off, well mostly it was the non-stop back pain that kind of clued me in, so on Friday (8DPO) I told T I wanted to get some FRER. They are usually the most sensitive tests. He agreed and off we went. I managed to hold off and not give into temptation Friday night. The same cannot be said for Saturday morning.

As soon as I woke up I headed to the bathroom to test. I tested with the FRER and my last internet cheapie test. I fully expected a BFN so I went about my normal routine and about 1 minute later I saw a faint line on my internet cheapie test. It was very faint and almost to the point that I was wondering “Am I imagining this?” The FRER was a little more obvious, but still very light. I always imagined I would start laughing and crying and be overjoyed. I just stood there staring at it.

As soon as T got home I shoved the stick in his face and asked him to take a look. He saw the 2 lines too. Again, we both were sort of in this shocked period. The tears finally started for me about 20 minutes later when I was driving over to my parents’ house. They were happy tears and terrified tears. It hit me that we were successful again and it hit me how awful it would be to lose another one.

I tested again yesterday (10DPO) and today (11DPO) and both were positive again, but still faint. I am trying to remind myself that I’m testing far before the norm. Most women don’t even think about testing until 14DPO or later. I was a lot earlier than that. Not to mention in the interwebs world we use the phrase “A line is a line”. A HPT only tells you that it’s measuring HCG in your urine, not how much. Although for someone who has gone through a loss and a bit of fun times to get to this point again, I really wanted to see it get darker.

Of course I called Dr. Awesome’s office first thing this morning, but of course he wasn’t available and they wouldn’t order my betas until I spoke to someone so off to a nurse midwife I went. I wasn’t overly thrilled to be seeing one. I have a nice relationship with Dr. Awesome. He knows me. He knows my situation. We’ve been through a lot together and I really needed that strong support right now. After a ridiculously long wait I was finally called back.

Like most women I was asked to give a urine sample so they could do their own pregnancy test. I am about 3 minutes pregnant so I told the woman depending on my HCG it might show negative, but that I was getting positives (and had the pictures to prove it.) She took a couple notes and then looked at it and said “It’s faint, but it’s definitely there.” For some reason that felt good to hear especially from someone else who wasn’t very involved in this process. I gave her my whole long speech to which she documented and said the nurse midwife would be with me in a few minutes.

I dreaded meeting this woman to be frank. The other half of Dr. Awesome’s office is the nurse midwife practice that seriously encourages un-medicated births at a birthing center. They are pro breastfeeding and anti serious medical intervention. Don’t get me wrong, if the baby is in distress they’ll help right quick, but they are definitely big supporters of the more natural and holistic methods. I expected this woman to pat my knee like I’m some naïve mother-to-be and tell me I’m fine and to come back when I’m 9 weeks along. I was prepared to fight for this little one.

My meeting was nothing like that. She read the notes and asked for a brief summary to which I gave. There was no look of judgment or condemnation. All there was, was a look of compassion and understanding. At some points she even looked a little sorry for me. Like when she read about our failed Clomid cycles and I explained we couldn’t afford to pay for the RE right now. She shook her head and made a few snide comments about how ridiculous insurance companies are. She 100% agreed with getting my HCG & Progesterone checked. She did her due diligence and reminded me that I’m still super early in my pregnancy and that my numbers could be low, but that they will recheck in 48 hours to make sure they are doubling. That’s what matters, that they are going up.

I liked her. I really did. Since Dr. Awesome doesn’t deliver babies anymore, if I’m considering a more natural pregnancy and birth plan I might actually consider her. She got it. She didn’t push the holistic thing down my throat. She understood my feelings and better yet, she agreed with them. It felt good to have her agree with them. It’s always nice when someone in the medical field makes you feel like you’re not crazy.

She mentioned that she’d like to see me once we confirm this pregnancy is headed the right direction in about 4 weeks. Again, she could see that I’m clearly a wreck with worry about this and she even mentioned doing a vaginal u/s just to make sure I’m progressing correctly. I wanted to hug her for being so understanding. I know they get tons of first time moms-to-be who are flipping the freak out, but I could tell she knew that wasn’t what I was doing. I’m merely hoping and trying my damn hardest to hold onto this.

Tomorrow I should get my results back and though I shouldn’t, I sort of have this magical number in my head for my HCG, 18. That’s the average for women who are my age at 11DPO. I know I might be above that or below that, but I’m hoping that I at least hit 18. It would make me feel even the slightest better. I’m also hoping for good progesterone results, but am prepared to supplement if necessary. Dr. Awesome is in the office tomorrow so he can call in a prescription if needed.

We haven’t come up with a nickname for this little one yet. I feel bad about it because with Spawn we came up with it that day. We acted happy and excited from that day. This time around we’re a little jaded. In sounds crazy, but in my head if I don’t give this baby a nickname, I won’t be overly devastated if this goes south. I even mentioned to T that if things are going to go south, I would rather them do it sooner rather than later. I feel bad because this child absolutely deserves the exciting fanfare and I really hope that we’re able to do that soon. Just right now, I’m not sure it’s possible. I feel like it took forever to get back to this point, it would kill me to lose it again.

2ww: Well That’s New…

I’m tickled pink to be 7DPO and have none of my pre-AF spotting. My LP’s are notoriously ridiculously short especially as of late (6 day LP anyone) so every day past that is a little celebration for me. Now, I’m not squealing with excitement thinking I’m with child. That ship set sail and my old pessimism is back. It’s comforting too. Just felt a tad too vulnerable in that giddy phase.

Anyway, I think my newest random and just downright weird symptoms are due to the progesterone cream. I’m wondering if these are potentially what my normal symptoms would be if my hormones were ever where they should be? I guess only time will tell. So the latest development is:

Burning sensation in the uterus & lightening boobs.

Sounds fun right? The burning sensation isn’t painful. It’s not a crippling feeling like my ute is on fire. It’s more like I have a constant heating pad inside there. It’s just odd and I notice I feel it a lot more when I’m sitting. The lightening boob though, that is slightly painful. I get these random pains that feel like electricity just jolting through the twins. I’ve noticed it more in my left boob too. I think it’s because it’s bigger?

Either way these two new developments have added a little spice to my 2ww here. Regardless of the outcome of this cycle I’m just pleased if my body is at least moving in the right direction. I’m not expecting the cream alone on our first cycle to be the thing that drives us home. For crying out loud Clomid couldn’t even do it. I’m just rooting for some change. Now would I love for these two developments to be because there is an embryo burrowing into the walls of my uterus and just wreaking some havoc? Of course. Am I holding my breath? Not a chance.

2ww: Hey There Crazycakes

I almost don’t want to even post this. I feel like I must hang my head in shame, but in the effort of full disclosure, I want to show that even an educated person can get caught up in the hoopla.

This is not news, but usually the first cycle back into really trying I get crazy. I think somewhere in the back of my ridiculous mind I tell myself that we have a fresh attitude, I’m not as stressed, so maybe this cycle will be different. Then adding in the progesterone cream doesn’t help. Even though I know the odds of it impacting anything, let alone on the first cycle of use, are low in my Pollyanna mind it’s going to be the thing that takes us home.

Not only have I gone back to reference my post detailing the days leading up to my BFP with Spawn, I’ve gone so far as to look at + HPT’s on FF to try to figure out about when I should start testing. I know that I should wait until at least 12DPO. I know this. But in the back of my positive thinking mind I’m saying “well, you could get a BFP at 10DPO.”

I’ve even looked at baby stuff this month. Optimistic much? I’ve started comparing strollers and looking at car seats and deciding where I want to register. In some ways I’m like a chick that’s just started trying and is in the blissful naïve world of thinking this is it.

In the back of my head I’m screaming to myself “this is why you always break down on CD1. You build it up too much.” The other part though is just clinging to that positive thinking. I think in some ways I’m subconsciously trying to cling to that positive attitude because I’ve spent a long time now in the negative. While I know it’s going to make CD1 that much harder and depressing, I want to in a lot of ways allow myself the chance to actually be excited again. To give myself that brief glimpse back to a time when we were la-di-da about this.

The only good part about this is when CD1 shows (which the sane part of me is 99.9% sure is going to be soon) I’ll probably quickly return to my safety net of negativity and pessimism because quite honestly, putting that negativity wall up and not allowing that excited feeling back in is about the only thing that helps me through failed cycle after failed cycle.

For now, I think I’m going to let myself be crazycakes…

1ishDPO

I’m 1ishDPO. Based on my OPK’s, cramping and general knowledge of my body and cycle I’m fairly confident the package was dropped yesterday. I always love how I get cramping AFTER I O. Thank goodness I’m not one of those women who use that as a reference. I’m imagining this 2ww is going to suck. For some reason the first one charting always does. I think it’s that ridiculous little hopeful cheerleader in the back of your head who is somewhat convincing you that you had great timing and this is it. Thankfully as cycles progress on my 2ww patience grows. I will get back to the point where I don’t even test unless I’m like 12-14DPO. I’d rather see AF than a negative. I’ve had my fill of those.

Even though there is that little part of me that is like “we had great timing so I think there’s a chance” I’m telling myself it’s not it. We weren’t successful. At this point I’m just hoping for a longer LP. I’m hoping that the progesterone cream helps, even if only by adding a day. I’d rather get to double digits, but hey, I’ll settle for a day.

If we were by some miracle successful this cycle, we would have a due date on or around 07/25/13. Right smack dab in the middle of the miserable Arizona summer, but I’d be cool with that. If the dirty hoe doesn’t arrive a little too early for my taste, my testing date is 11/13/12.

OPK Game

First cycle back into OPK’s and I can already say that I didn’t miss this. I did power through my frustrations and managed to test in and out of my surge though. Normally I would say that OPK’s alone cannot tell you if you actually O’d. However, now that I have a fairly good grasp on my body’s normal, I’m quite confident that my body has stayed with its normal CD19 as my O date. Now, this wouldn’t bother me if my cycles haven’t been around 26 days the last few cycles. That means my LP has moved down to 6 days.

The incredibly unfortunate thing about the timing of this realization is that it’s today. November 1st. If our little Spawn had been on time, today s/he would be 1. Really bad day to realize my LP has not only stayed short, but gotten shorter. It’s like a dagger to the heart. I feel like the timing of everything this cycle has just been a harsh reminder of what we don’t have.

I, an agnostic who barely believes, put a prayer into the Wailing Wall in the freaking Holy Land itself asking for a healthy baby. I didn’t put a gender. I didn’t ask for specifics. I just asked for a healthy baby. I was answered with AF. A harsh AF that was unlike any I had before. Then I O right around what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday and realize, on our what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday that my LP is the shortest it’s ever been.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll be okay. That I got back into charting because we’re trying more holistic ways of correcting my hormone imbalance. This is just another bump in the road that we’ll get over. That we only have to wait until May to find out if our insurance will pay for IF treatments. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m putting myself through this emotional torture for a reason.

Problem is while my head believes it, my heart certainly doesn’t. Spawn, we love you to the moon and back. I hope you are having a happy 1st birthday among the stars.