4w3d: Expecting vs. Expecting after a loss

I belong to an online community for women. While a lot of folks joke and criticize people who do that, a lot of these ladies have saved my sanity. When we lost Spawn and entered the hell that was TTCAL I found great comfort in having a place to go to vent my feelings to people who "got it." There was no judgement or criticisms, just other ladies who understood and in turn shared their stories and fears with me. I've met some ladies who've since turned into real life friends. We Facebook, we text and in some cases we even meet for lunch. It doesn't matter that we met online, they are friendships that stem from something much deeper than anything I could describe.

Now that we're so blessed to be expecting I no longer post on the one board I've been active on since Spawn. It's bittersweet actually. I'm happy to be pregnant again, but I miss a lot of these ladies so much. Some of them I still talk to on Facebook and text, but I don't post on that board out of respect for the ladies who are still on their TTCAL journey. I know that some day's it was hard for me to see someone who had their new pregnancy info in their signature. I've now moved over to the pregnant board and I'm glad to be amongst a lot of awesome women there. I've also joined a regular birth month board...this board I'm not as comfortable on.

It's apparent to me with some 90% of the daily posts that being pregnant versus being pregnant after a loss are two very different journeys. I envy these ladies honestly. If only my biggest worry was stretch marks, gasp, or looking forward to my boobs getting bigger. It's hard for me to not roll my eyes at the countless "I'm exhausted" and other "woe is me" posts. I get it, pregnancy isn't easy, but I'm of the mindset that I'm so very grateful to be pregnant that I don't care what type of effect it's having on me. Am I tired? Yes. Do my boobs hurt? Yep. Do I have cramps. All the time. Am I constantly complaining about them? No. It's all just a sign that there is a miracle growing within me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these ladies don't have the right to vent. They do. Just as I have the right to roll my eyes and feel they are oh so vain (dude, who cares if you get stretch marks? Isn't a healthy baby worth it?) and whiny (lay down, we all know you're tired), and sometimes oblivious (OMG! How are you announcing squee! :insert eye roll here:). I wish my focus was on picking out a cute way to announce or planning out my gender reveal party already. It's not though. My focus is on doing everything in my damn power to keep this pregnancy. To try to jump over the hurdles and keep a positive attitude while trying not to lose my sanity.

I know I'm just jealous. I'm jealous that I can't have that happy, giddy, oblivious pregnancy. I hope I get there someday, just today, I'm all too aware at just how bad things can really get. Offspring, please PLEASE stick in there baby. We love you so much.