OPK Game

First cycle back into OPK’s and I can already say that I didn’t miss this. I did power through my frustrations and managed to test in and out of my surge though. Normally I would say that OPK’s alone cannot tell you if you actually O’d. However, now that I have a fairly good grasp on my body’s normal, I’m quite confident that my body has stayed with its normal CD19 as my O date. Now, this wouldn’t bother me if my cycles haven’t been around 26 days the last few cycles. That means my LP has moved down to 6 days.

The incredibly unfortunate thing about the timing of this realization is that it’s today. November 1st. If our little Spawn had been on time, today s/he would be 1. Really bad day to realize my LP has not only stayed short, but gotten shorter. It’s like a dagger to the heart. I feel like the timing of everything this cycle has just been a harsh reminder of what we don’t have.

I, an agnostic who barely believes, put a prayer into the Wailing Wall in the freaking Holy Land itself asking for a healthy baby. I didn’t put a gender. I didn’t ask for specifics. I just asked for a healthy baby. I was answered with AF. A harsh AF that was unlike any I had before. Then I O right around what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday and realize, on our what should be our son/daughter’s 1st birthday that my LP is the shortest it’s ever been.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll be okay. That I got back into charting because we’re trying more holistic ways of correcting my hormone imbalance. This is just another bump in the road that we’ll get over. That we only have to wait until May to find out if our insurance will pay for IF treatments. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m putting myself through this emotional torture for a reason.

Problem is while my head believes it, my heart certainly doesn’t. Spawn, we love you to the moon and back. I hope you are having a happy 1st birthday among the stars.