2ww: Hey There Crazycakes

I almost don’t want to even post this. I feel like I must hang my head in shame, but in the effort of full disclosure, I want to show that even an educated person can get caught up in the hoopla.

This is not news, but usually the first cycle back into really trying I get crazy. I think somewhere in the back of my ridiculous mind I tell myself that we have a fresh attitude, I’m not as stressed, so maybe this cycle will be different. Then adding in the progesterone cream doesn’t help. Even though I know the odds of it impacting anything, let alone on the first cycle of use, are low in my Pollyanna mind it’s going to be the thing that takes us home.

Not only have I gone back to reference my post detailing the days leading up to my BFP with Spawn, I’ve gone so far as to look at + HPT’s on FF to try to figure out about when I should start testing. I know that I should wait until at least 12DPO. I know this. But in the back of my positive thinking mind I’m saying “well, you could get a BFP at 10DPO.”

I’ve even looked at baby stuff this month. Optimistic much? I’ve started comparing strollers and looking at car seats and deciding where I want to register. In some ways I’m like a chick that’s just started trying and is in the blissful naïve world of thinking this is it.

In the back of my head I’m screaming to myself “this is why you always break down on CD1. You build it up too much.” The other part though is just clinging to that positive thinking. I think in some ways I’m subconsciously trying to cling to that positive attitude because I’ve spent a long time now in the negative. While I know it’s going to make CD1 that much harder and depressing, I want to in a lot of ways allow myself the chance to actually be excited again. To give myself that brief glimpse back to a time when we were la-di-da about this.

The only good part about this is when CD1 shows (which the sane part of me is 99.9% sure is going to be soon) I’ll probably quickly return to my safety net of negativity and pessimism because quite honestly, putting that negativity wall up and not allowing that excited feeling back in is about the only thing that helps me through failed cycle after failed cycle.

For now, I think I’m going to let myself be crazycakes…