3w4d: We’re Pregnant…Well Today Anyway

9DPO on Top; 10DPO on Bottom

There isn’t nearly the excited fanfare this time around, but there is happiness. T and I are both very guarded and while we’re hoping this pregnancy will stick, we’re fully preparing ourselves for the worst. A lot of couple’s who have suffered a loss often feel this way, especially in the early weeks. And boy am I early.

So how am I possibly aware of a pregnancy at 3w4d? That’s easy, I started testing at 9DPO. I felt a little off, well mostly it was the non-stop back pain that kind of clued me in, so on Friday (8DPO) I told T I wanted to get some FRER. They are usually the most sensitive tests. He agreed and off we went. I managed to hold off and not give into temptation Friday night. The same cannot be said for Saturday morning.

As soon as I woke up I headed to the bathroom to test. I tested with the FRER and my last internet cheapie test. I fully expected a BFN so I went about my normal routine and about 1 minute later I saw a faint line on my internet cheapie test. It was very faint and almost to the point that I was wondering “Am I imagining this?” The FRER was a little more obvious, but still very light. I always imagined I would start laughing and crying and be overjoyed. I just stood there staring at it.

As soon as T got home I shoved the stick in his face and asked him to take a look. He saw the 2 lines too. Again, we both were sort of in this shocked period. The tears finally started for me about 20 minutes later when I was driving over to my parents’ house. They were happy tears and terrified tears. It hit me that we were successful again and it hit me how awful it would be to lose another one.

I tested again yesterday (10DPO) and today (11DPO) and both were positive again, but still faint. I am trying to remind myself that I’m testing far before the norm. Most women don’t even think about testing until 14DPO or later. I was a lot earlier than that. Not to mention in the interwebs world we use the phrase “A line is a line”. A HPT only tells you that it’s measuring HCG in your urine, not how much. Although for someone who has gone through a loss and a bit of fun times to get to this point again, I really wanted to see it get darker.

Of course I called Dr. Awesome’s office first thing this morning, but of course he wasn’t available and they wouldn’t order my betas until I spoke to someone so off to a nurse midwife I went. I wasn’t overly thrilled to be seeing one. I have a nice relationship with Dr. Awesome. He knows me. He knows my situation. We’ve been through a lot together and I really needed that strong support right now. After a ridiculously long wait I was finally called back.

Like most women I was asked to give a urine sample so they could do their own pregnancy test. I am about 3 minutes pregnant so I told the woman depending on my HCG it might show negative, but that I was getting positives (and had the pictures to prove it.) She took a couple notes and then looked at it and said “It’s faint, but it’s definitely there.” For some reason that felt good to hear especially from someone else who wasn’t very involved in this process. I gave her my whole long speech to which she documented and said the nurse midwife would be with me in a few minutes.

I dreaded meeting this woman to be frank. The other half of Dr. Awesome’s office is the nurse midwife practice that seriously encourages un-medicated births at a birthing center. They are pro breastfeeding and anti serious medical intervention. Don’t get me wrong, if the baby is in distress they’ll help right quick, but they are definitely big supporters of the more natural and holistic methods. I expected this woman to pat my knee like I’m some naïve mother-to-be and tell me I’m fine and to come back when I’m 9 weeks along. I was prepared to fight for this little one.

My meeting was nothing like that. She read the notes and asked for a brief summary to which I gave. There was no look of judgment or condemnation. All there was, was a look of compassion and understanding. At some points she even looked a little sorry for me. Like when she read about our failed Clomid cycles and I explained we couldn’t afford to pay for the RE right now. She shook her head and made a few snide comments about how ridiculous insurance companies are. She 100% agreed with getting my HCG & Progesterone checked. She did her due diligence and reminded me that I’m still super early in my pregnancy and that my numbers could be low, but that they will recheck in 48 hours to make sure they are doubling. That’s what matters, that they are going up.

I liked her. I really did. Since Dr. Awesome doesn’t deliver babies anymore, if I’m considering a more natural pregnancy and birth plan I might actually consider her. She got it. She didn’t push the holistic thing down my throat. She understood my feelings and better yet, she agreed with them. It felt good to have her agree with them. It’s always nice when someone in the medical field makes you feel like you’re not crazy.

She mentioned that she’d like to see me once we confirm this pregnancy is headed the right direction in about 4 weeks. Again, she could see that I’m clearly a wreck with worry about this and she even mentioned doing a vaginal u/s just to make sure I’m progressing correctly. I wanted to hug her for being so understanding. I know they get tons of first time moms-to-be who are flipping the freak out, but I could tell she knew that wasn’t what I was doing. I’m merely hoping and trying my damn hardest to hold onto this.

Tomorrow I should get my results back and though I shouldn’t, I sort of have this magical number in my head for my HCG, 18. That’s the average for women who are my age at 11DPO. I know I might be above that or below that, but I’m hoping that I at least hit 18. It would make me feel even the slightest better. I’m also hoping for good progesterone results, but am prepared to supplement if necessary. Dr. Awesome is in the office tomorrow so he can call in a prescription if needed.

We haven’t come up with a nickname for this little one yet. I feel bad about it because with Spawn we came up with it that day. We acted happy and excited from that day. This time around we’re a little jaded. In sounds crazy, but in my head if I don’t give this baby a nickname, I won’t be overly devastated if this goes south. I even mentioned to T that if things are going to go south, I would rather them do it sooner rather than later. I feel bad because this child absolutely deserves the exciting fanfare and I really hope that we’re able to do that soon. Just right now, I’m not sure it’s possible. I feel like it took forever to get back to this point, it would kill me to lose it again.