Another Among The Stars...

Our little Offspring has joined his/her big sibling among the stars and we're left empty and devastated.

My cramping and bleeding turned into chaos just after 2 am yesterday. I knew immediately what was happening because it was identical to Spawn. I sat there just sobbing as I told T to get me some pain meds. He offered to take me to the ER, but I declined. I knew what they were going to say so I wanted to spare the hell that is waiting there.

Shortly before 5 am things had calmed down and I did my best to drift off to sleep. At 7 am I had to be up because I already had an appointment to get checked out about my spotting. The entire way to the doctor's office I kept asking myself "why?" Why again? Why couldn't we keep this one. I wasn't crying, more infuriated.

Thankfully the wait wasn't long before I met with the midwife, who wasn't the same as before, and she was very nice. I explained everything that happened to her and she said my uterus was most likely empty. That's when I told her that I didn't have that same "omg, I just lost our baby" feeling this time that I did last time. There was no mistaking last time what had happened. This time, I wasn't so sure.

She did a pelvic exam to see if she could see anything. All she could see was a lot of blood. Figures. Thankfully she caught my desire for closure and took me over to the u/s tech to get checked out. As soon as she put the wand in I saw it and my heart sank. I didn't pass the baby yet. I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. How is that possible? There was so much pain! It was a nightmare because I thought the worst was behind us. I expected my uterus to be empty so we could start the emotional healing. I still had more to come?! Offspring wasn't inside the cushy part of my uterus. S/he had already detached and was right there by my cervix. The midwife assured me it should pass fast.

To speed things along she gave me a script for misoprostol. If I never take that medication again it would be too soon. Aside from making me feel like my uterus was turning inside out, my stomach was terribly upset and it seemed to loosen everything up down there. After dealing with the cramping and bleeding and the pain at 9:30 pm I had had enough and I went off to bed.

T was awesome. He helped me carry my stuff up to the bedroom. He helped me get situated in bed. He got my heating pad all hooked up, my barf bucket beside me and he even set his alarm to give me my last round of the meds at 1:30 am. A supportive man he truly is.

This morning I'm feeling okay physically. The cramping is still here, but not as bad. I'm obviously still bleeding and probably will for the next two weeks. The part that gets me is I have no idea if this is over yet. Last time it was obvious because Spawn detached and came right out. It felt like a ping pong ball and was no denying what it was. This time because Offspring had been in such a tight space for so long there is a chance that it could have been a different shape so I don't honestly know. I think my uterus is now empty, but I also thought that yesterday morning.

Monday I have another appointment to follow up about my m/c. Of course like last time this was supposed to be my first appointment, but again it's to talk about our 2nd loss. I will urge for an u/s to make sure my uterus is empty so we can start the emotional healing process. I imagine that will take a while.

Overall I'm holding up okay. I'm obviously devastated, as is T. We're confused and frustrated and there is this huge part of me that feels like "when are you going to just give this up already?" I'm not making any decisions right now and won't for a while, but I won't lie the questioning over whether we should continue this or not is definitely there.

Offspring, mommy and daddy love you so much and we hope you and Spawn take care of each other until we get there. Mommy plans on finally getting her tattoo...well now two. I want a reminder of both my sweet babes who play among the stars. We love you both to the moon and back.