It's been 8 days since we lost Spawn. It's hard to believe, yet easy to believe all in the same breath. I haven't felt like posting on here the last few days. Not because I have nothing to say, believe me, I have plenty. It's just, this was the blog I created specifically to document my pregnancy with Spawn. I wanted to use it as a way to keep our family & friends that aren't here up to date on the latest and greatest with our little one. Now it's a blog about losing Spawn. That's a topic that NO mother should ever have to discuss.
The last 8 days have sucked and that is putting it mildly! The cramps were god awful for the first few days and I still had all my pregnancy symptoms. Talk about killing one's heart. It damn near killed me to be laying there in so much pain and bleeding so heavily, all the while my boobs killed. I wanted to disown my body. It was unfair that my body didn't realize sooner that my baby was gone. I had to endure the symptoms for a few days. Finally, I'm feeling "normal." I'm using that term loosely too since I'm not sure what normal even is anymore.
Physically, I'm almost back to normal. No more pregnancy symptoms and the cramps are gone. Emotionally, well, the jury is still out. I have good days, then I have bad days. I'll have days where I'm smiling and laughing, cracking jokes like my old self. Then I'll have a day where I'm short, bitter and a complete basket case. I'll play horribly depressing songs on repeat just to torture myself. Not sure why, but I do. Luckily the bad days aren't as frequent as the good. It also helps that T has been super supportive through this whole thing. He's been right there at my side. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that T is the man for me, those doubts have been quashed the last few days.
Tomorrow is my post m/c f/u which sadly was supposed to be my 1st appt. Tonight I was supposed to be so excited to see our little one for the 1st time. We were going to tell our families soon too. Now it's going to be about the loss and where we go from here. In hindsight, I probably should have rescheduled this appointment so it's not at the time when it was supposed to be my super happy appointment. We'll see how homicidal I am after this.
My betas are going down, which I guess is good. That just means my body did something right for once. My doc will continue to monitor them until they hit 0 to make sure everything is free and clear. Then we wait. We have to wait for my body to start a cycle again. When that will be, who knows. Could be April, could be May. The only consistent thing about this is there is tons of waiting.
I have decided one thing, I'm going to get a tattoo in memory of Spawn. I know there are people out there who think getting tattoo's to memorialize a miscarriage is silly, but to those people I say kiss my ass. I want to have something that is special and meaningful to me. That way no matter where I am, who I'm with or how old I get, I will always have that special tribute to our little baby.
Spawn, I love you my precious baby, with my entire heart!
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