Not A Good Day...

I have good days.

Then I have bad days. Today is a bad day, I just didn't realize it until now. I've been short all day. I've been annoyed and everything has gotten on my nerves. It was only as I started listening to Beethoven and perusing the internet that I realized, today is a bad day. I'm angry. I'm so angry I can barely stand it. I want someone, anyone, to tell me why my baby is gone. I don't want the cliche "everything happens for a reason." If that was true, then you could tell me the reason. But no one can and no one ever will.

I'm supposed to be getting excited right now about sharing the news of our baby with our family. I should be stalking Personalizationmall.com for the status of the custom frames I picked out. I should be purchasing a bella band online and reading through all my pregnancy books. I should be looking at nursery furniture online and arguing with T about names. I'm not though. Instead, I'm looking at memorial jewelry online because I want something to remind me of my baby. A baby that most people think I shouldn't be greiving, but oh god am I. I never knew how much I could love until we lost Spawn. When we lost Spawn, my heart broke in a way I never thought it could. I'm not talking my boyfriend dumped me heartbroken. I'm talking a crippling pain that completely changes how you look at everything.

Spawn, I miss you so much my heart hurts. I hate that the entire world is still going like nothing happened. I hate that not everyone is wearing black, mourning a pecious soul that never got to live. I hate that I never even had the chance to protect you. I feel like I failed you as a mommy because my one job was to keep you safe and I couldn't. I hate that I have no where to go to visit you. I don't have a grave to cry at or put balloons on your birthday. I don't have an urn to hold close to my heart. The rest of the world acts like you never existed, but this huge hole in my heart reminds me with every beat that you did. I know I've said it a thousand times and I will continue to say it until my very last breath, I love you sweet baby, to the moon and back!