I didn't know I loved you so much...

Well, I FINALLY got my 3rd beta results back, a whopping 1592. Only a 16% increase. I think it's safe to say this pregnancy is not viable. :*-(

I wasn't actually able to speak with my doc, but I did speak with the medical assistant for a few. She gave me the low down on what my doc thought. Basically, she thinks it's possibly a blighted ovum, but only a u/s will confirm that. So on Monday I will have my 4th beta draw (not sure why) and then on Wednesday I will have my u/s to confirm the blighted ovum.

I'm relatively neutral at this point. I cry at the most random times over the most random stuff. Like today at work I broke into tears when I couldn't figure out why my numbers were off by just over $100. Then my boss called and mentioned he forgot to tell me about a journal entry he did, cue the tears. Luckily I don't think he caught my completely irrational breakdown. I know it had nothing to do with the situation, it had everything to do with the most important situation that I have absolutely NO control over.

I'm not sure if my doctor will want to do a D&C or if she will push naturally miscarrying, but I would prefer the D&C. I want to go to sleep and wake up knowing it's all over. I would like them to test the tissue to see if the baby had genetic defects. I think it would make me feel better to know there was something horribly wrong to give me peace of mind that my baby never had to suffer. Otherwise, I will just continue to hate my body that much more for failing to keep our baby safe.

I know my family is caught between a rock and a hard place over this. With my sister recently announcing her own pregnancy, it makes my losing this one that much more difficult. I'm happy for her, I genuinely am. I can't wait to be an Aunt! I can't wait to spoil the hell out of that kid, get him/her all whacked out on sugar and send them home. It's just hard watching someone go through a process with such a wonderful experience, when mine ended so horribly. I can't imagine what it's like for my mom & dad. Caught between being over the moon excited about their first grandchild, and horribly upset about the loss of another.

I will say, having become pregnant and sadly now going through a loss, I truly understand a mother's love. It's a love that is so intense and profound that there are very few words to describe it. I would have gone to hell and back to keep this little one safe and healthy. If I had the choice of ripping my eye out with a rusty spoon or losing this baby, I'd demand the spoon. I always wondered why women greived so much when they had a miscarriage. I was under the horrible misunderstanding that you really didn't know the child, they didn't really grow into a child persay, but that's all wrong. I knew this baby existed before a test told me so. I knew when something went wrong and I can honestly say that I have never loved another person as much as I loved Spawn.

I know my heart will heal. It will never be the same, but it will heal. Someday in the future we will try again for a child and hope that Spawn will watch over his/her little sibling and keep them safe. Spawn, I promise you there will not be a day when I won't think of you and miss you with my whole heart. I love you baby, to the moon and back!